Believer-

You have to be one of the most compassionate BS of this site.

Thank you so much for your prayers. You are an amazing person!


Myrta

I think Stanley already knows he can do better than you, Myrta.

But, Myrta, when will you finally realize he does not want anyone else, better than you or not better than you? You are not seeing the forest for the trees here. He loves and wants you. Hasn’t he proven that already many times over? Appears obvious to me from way over here on the left coast even.

As for your actions making sense, no not really. Maybe about the same amount of sense as your adultery in the first place. So stop, now. Don’t let it escalate any further nor go on any longer.

Do you wish someone had told you to stay away from OM, way back when? Well, you are now hearing many people tell you to stop what you are doing this time. Listen to them!

I doubt you will lose everything you hold dear because of what you did. Stanley has already proven that will not happen. If you lose everything it will be because of what you are doing now.

One of the things that strikes me here is your Big Ugly Secret is eating away at you. The truth will always set you free, Myrta. Talk to your parents. Tell them what happened. I bet you will receive all the forgiveness you need. I bet you will begin to let these behaviors go.

With prayers,

Oh Myrta,

This really so easy. Have you really ever told Stanley what you just told me/(and a few thousand other people )? Seriously, have you.

With your indulgence and Stanely's let me answer your questions for him if you will.
You said



Ok, I don't want to let the cat out of the bag, but here goes. Stanley KNOWS he can do better than you. My W knows she can do better than me. You know you can do better than Stanley. Let's be realistic here. There are billions of people on this planet split about 50/50 male/female. There are many people that at any given time that could be better for us.

BUT, Stanley chose you. He bestowed his love on you, as you did him. You bonded, made vows, and have children together. Believe me he knows, but he also knows that you ARE PART OF HIM now and to give you up would be like losing an arm or a leg. A large part of him, and his life would be gone.

Myrta if he could not forgive you he would have had to leave. He has forgiven you. He will never forget, but his forgiveness is there for you accept it. It is his gift to himself and you. It is a gift because it may or may not be deserved, but it is something HE wanted to give you. His real gifts to you are more than you seem to realize, they are him saying over and over again, "I forgive you. I love you." and that is why your reactions hurt him so. No matter how little time, how stupid the wrapping, what you are getting is more than money, you are receiving notification that you are forgiven.

I doubt he will ever go back on his forgiveness of you. Your goal is to give him fewer things for him to forgive in the future. The sad thing is what he wants is for you to reach into his soul and love him, not be frustrated or worried, or even feel guilty.



No it does not make sense, but I do understand you. Myrta, I would bet good money, if he told your children they would be hurt, they would be surprised, and then they would love you. In fact, they may love you and Stanley even more than they do now. You want to know why? Because of what you two have overcome.

I'll tell you a story. When I was a kid, my Dad was my hero. He could do no wrong. When I got older, I figured out he was human. He did not get to the very top of his profession. He worried alot, he feared for us kids because he knew he could not save us from ourselves. He was not perfect in many ways and oddly he knew this better than anyone. We discussed these things in his later years.

But, an odd thing happened Myrta. Instead of being disappointed in my Dad, I found that I respected him even more. Because given all of his preceived weakness and failures, he had achieved so much in his life. He had affected people in very positive ways, he was a man people remembered and went to with tough problems. I learned to love my Dad more not because of his successes but because of all he overcame to acheive them.

I am firmly convinced if your daughters ever find out about your affair, this will happen. Further, it will offer them hope to work through tough times if they themselves ever failed their spouse or their spouse ever failed them. You don't know this but you and Stanley are a success story, one that your daughters might really benefit from hearing. Kids think in black and white. Most people come here thinking I will never accept or forgive an affair, and then see what happens. With effort, with honesty, with love, the marriages are rebuilt.

Frankly, Myrta what you worry about is something that could be a huge help not a big loss.


Yup you did. You failed him for the length of your affair and you were failing him during a good bit of your recovery. BUT, you are not failing him now. You are right to worry about your H, but not for the reason you think. My opinion: you might lose him when he decides he is NOT good enough for YOU. When he feels that you will not accept his forgiveness, his love, and yes even his pain. You see why I weighed in on this gift thing? It was not about gifts of the sort you were thinking. I was about your fear and HIS fear. Face your fear Myrta and you will be surprised how well you do.

You then asked
He will only leave if you drive him away. Don't drive him away and I am betting you could not get rid of that man with a fly swatter. I know this about him. He loves to see you smile. He loves to feel your touch. He loves it when you are happy. And he loves these things sooo much, he could forgive you and work on this marriage.

I must go now but I hope this helps you see a few things. If you have doubts about my words, ask Stanley when he gets home.

God Bless,

JL

See Myrta, AP, JL and I (and others) are all singing different verses of the same song. From the things that Stanley has said in his understated way, from what you have said, both over the years and now, we can see clearly what is within the fog of self interest for you and your husband.

Now stop a minute and read what I just said again. Take your time. It is hard to think clearly when the bullets are flying. Or, in another way of saying it, when self interest is tied up with the usual good and bad in a marriage, it is hard to get a grip on the real and I mean real, fundamentals.

Fundamentals like Stanley being in love with you because. . .

You being in love with Stanley because. . .

You are both so close to how you feel that while you can guess as to why, you probably will leave out something that is important. You love Stanley because he is your rock. Stanley loves you because you are all the things he envies. Oh, it is more than just that for both of you, but what I just said is a vital part of your caring for each other. I would bet solid money on what I just said.

I gotta go get some sleep. We are leaving for a week to 10 days and I probably won't take a look at this thread until I come back. Thank you for your compliment. You know I wish you and Stanley all the best.

Larry