This is my first post on Marriage Builders. I have been a frequet visitor since D-Day2 last November. I have been in individual counseling, marriage counseling, even marriage coaching through MB. WH continued affair(s), and I couldn't take it anymore. He had 2 girlfriends during the past 2 years, both at the same time during last fall. I threw him out shortly after Christmas, and we attempted to reconcile in Feb.

We have been married almost 26 years, and dated for 10 years prior to that (high school sweethearts for pete's sake). We have both been guilty of not meeting each other's needs and many love busters.

When I last discovered his affair had started again in April, I told him to leave. After much heated arguments for weeks, he finally agreed to leave. He moved into temporary housing, and I discovered he has rented a townhouse. He is moving there in mid July. Most of his personal belongings are still at our house. He continues to pick up our DS for dinner once a week. I'm disgusted with everything about him right now. This is not the man I have known and loved for 36 years.

Tomorrow our son graduates and I will have to see him. It hurts every time I see him. It is so hard to not be so full of rage. I am taking this harder now than I did for the past several months. I am so afraid of being divorced. I know there is no easy fix for all of this, but I want us to be together and more importantly, I want us to be happy together.

One of my struggles is what do I do with his clothes, etc. that is still at our house. Do I pack them up and tell him to take them to his new townhouse? If I do this, I am trying to decide if I am doing it out of anger, or if I am doing it to help me to move on. The hurt and anger is eating away at me. I would also prefer that he not pick our DS up at our house. DS is old enough to drive, and I would prefer they meet somewhere else. Is this a reasonable request?

POM,

I hear you saying that you want to have a good marriage with your H, is that right? Have you read up on Plan A/B? Not wanting H to meet DS at your house is more of a plan B...you must to Plan A first. Please hang in there. The vets will probably come out during the week day. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

So, you have been applying MB concepts to your marriage, I presume.

You can do a Plan A of sorts while he is out of the house, but ONLY if you can contain that rage. IF you cannot, I would suggest Plan B. If you choose Plan B, make it structured; write the letter, post it here, get help with it. Get an intermediary for non-emergent issues. Since your children are older, they can choose how they will meet with their father. Even if he comes to the house, he does not need to enter.

If you do a Plan B, his clothes and things all go to his new place. Change the locks on all of your doors (using the excuse you don't feel safe, if you must), get a legal separation agreement, if possible in your state. DEfinitely seek legal counsel no matter what, to know what your options are. Treat him as if he does not exist, or is of miniscule importance to you (even if you don't believe it).

If you haven't read it, pick up a copy of Surviving an Affair (SAA).

The anger is a normal reaction to the lying and cheating. If you do a Plan B, and get really dark, it will abate to some extent. AS with most things, TIME away from the situation will help.

POM, has the affair been exposed? Have your children been told? Who is this OW and what were the problems in the marriage before his affairs?

Well....I made it through DS's graduation today. A very stressful day.

I guess I should give some more details on our path thus far. Yes, I have read several of Dr. Haryley's books, as well as about 17-20 other books on the topic of infidelity, divorce, anger management, passive agressive behavior, etc. I have been trying to arm myself with as much information as possible.

Between Sept-Dec 07, I did work with a detailed plan A. It just became excruitiatingly painful and degrading. My self esteem was as low as it has ever been. We lived in the same house, I tried hard to be a good wife and meet his needs. He was just "there". He continued to sneak around and see his other 2 women.

When I threw him out at the end of Dec, I implemented plan B. All of his stuff did not come out of the house at that time. We tried to reconcile....or I should say I did. He again was just there. When I discovered he had contact with her again, it helped to explain his non-committal behavior.

We agreed to a "trial separation" for 3 months, but it threw me for a loop when I discovered he signed a lease. He says he still has not made up his mind. Signing a lease sounds more than temporary to me. Our 3 month trial ends in mid August, and he doesn't even move into his new place until mid July.

Our children are fully aware of his behavior. They don't take sides. So far, they just seem to accept what is happening. I have not done a full blown exposure to his employer or co-workers. I truly feel this would be a very dangerous move, and would backfire.

I did write a no contact letter the first time he left. I have not written one this time. He pretty much knows all that would be said in this letter....I have written it and verbalized it many times. He too has read the books (not that he learned anything from them).

For the most part, we have had a good marriage. Minor difficulties faced in most marriages. Struggles over where to spend our money, who is to do what chores, etc. The biggest issue we have had is a brief infidelity I had 6 years ago. He found out about it 3 years ago, and I think that is when he began his WS behavior.

He blames me for everything....my infidelity and his infidelity. I know that my behavior and choices are my fault. I didn't seek for it to happen, but I let my guard down, and it happened. I know I did a terrible thing and that it hurt him badly. I am remorseful for my behavior and have worked very hard to ensure it would never happen again.

We had a brief phone call the other day, and he said that "I started this". I wanted to scream at him "well, do you think you've gotten even yet"? What I did say is that his behavior is his choice and not my fault. It is 100% his responsibility and something he needs to be accountible for. Just as my behavior was my responsibility and not his fault. Yes, there were needs not being met which led to problems in the marriage, but I totally mishandled dealing with them....just as he is totally mishandling dealing with our current problems.

He began to advertise on some internet dating sites and met several women. One he became intimate with for several months. While involved with her, he contacted the current OW on Classmates.Com. She had gone to HS with us. Since first contacting her, she has now filed for divorce. When he moved back home in Feb, he broke contact with her and called her in front of me to do so. She made contact with him a month later because she missed him so much. They continued contact in secret for another month until I found out in April. I knew one of us had to leave the house....and insisted it be him.

So here we are. I believe he feels that I will take him back at any time. That is not true. I love him, and I want him back but it has to be the right way. It will take a lot of work from both of us. I need for him to completely break ties with OW, and for him to come up with a plan as to how he will help me to believe he is really having no contact this time. I need him to make me believe he is truly remorseful. I need for both of us to avoid love busters, and to rebuild our love and relationship. Only then can we even begin to work on rebuilding trust.

In the meantime, I need some more pointers to help send the message to him that I do want us to make it, but I won't tolerate his behavior any longer. If that means packing up his belongings and getting them out of the house, then I will do it.

One question I have is what does it mean to "go dark"? Thank you all for your thoughts and advice thus far.