I have come to the point where I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't give anymore without getting anything back. My WH doesn't want to be married anymore and I see no chance in getting him back any longer. He maintains that he wants to remain friends. He is addament that we were not a good couple and never worked.

At this point, my desire to recover the M is killing me. I can't do it anymore and I think I need to let go and move on. But I'm having a hard time with this. Can anyone offer me advice on what I can do to stop wanting to fix the M and let go.

The best advice I can give is to step back and look at your life as a whole. Create a spreadsheet if you need to, but categorize your life a little bit. You have (I assume):
being alive
being healthy
having a family who loves you
friends who like being with you
a job you like, or the chance to work toward getting a job you like
living in a country that allows you to talk on an internet site and have things like a computer
food, housing, clothes, warmth, transportation
opportunities to move anywhere you want
being a person who can meet new people and possibly a new partner, if you choose
even the possibility of getting back together with your H if you both so choose later down the line (it does happen)

Stuff like that. Basically, I've been telling a lot of people lately that death is the only finality; anything else is a gift.

That, and start taking yoga. I'm serious! The best thing you can do for yourself at this point.

I think "letting go" is a process.

There were several points in my life that helped me get to "letting go". My course was different since my marriage had only about 3 good months.

1. Admitting I made a mistake in the man I married.
2. Accepting that I didn't create all the problems and therefore, I couldn't fix them all.
3. Accepting that my X had given me his answer over and over again as he refused to make any changes, go to MC, honor his agreements or stop causing me distress.
4. Deciding that a life on Anti-depressents wasn't what I wanted
5. Realizing that if I stayed with the man any longer one of us would end up dead, incarcerated or insane. None of these were good options for the children.
6. The day I felt an urge to bash my x's head in with the frying pan I was putting away. No kidding, and I'm not a violent person. I left within a week.

Oh, and then, there was the realization that my value didn't come from whether or not my husband felt I was worth the effort to change his behavior. My value didn't even come from whether I thought I was worthy or not. My value came from God. He created me, and God wouldn't create something that was without value. Therefore, I was valuable, and I needed to start treating myself as if I were a valued creation of God.

So, if you look at my registration date, I was here for about 3 years before I left. It took another two years to get divorced.

Give yourself time. Also, it gets easier when they're not in your face. Finally, unless you have children, I wouldn't even try to be friends with your ex. It will just prolong your hurt.

Right now he is still in my face because of our house situation. We are living in it trying to sell it. I'm hoping it sells soon so that I don't have to deal with him everyday. It's hard to live with someone who doesn't want to be there.

I do agree that trying to be friends with him is the worst thing I could do right now. Because I would read into anything he does as a sign he wants to fix the M. And that is just not the case. We have no children, only 2 dogs we equally share.

Right now I am taking yoga, doing therapy, trying meditation. Anything that will help me get right. I haven't been right for many years and sort of lost myself with this man. Deep down I still wish it would work out, but at this point I feel like I've tried the best I could for the last year and I'm tired of being hurt.

Once we move out I am thinking the best thing for me to do is have no contact.

I feel for you and your pain. I too wanted very badly to fix my M. My W did not feel the same. It's been almost 18 months since I moved out, but I still feel a connection to her and it's tough some days.

I love what GG said, it takes 2 to make the problems and 2 to fix it. If one isn't willing, there's nothing you can do but decide to take good care of yourself.

I would second the 'not being friends' thing. Once you are apart, go completely dark. Don't contact him in any way. This is likely to be hard to do, is for me, but it does get easier, and it won't take as long as you might think.

The psychology behind wanting to 'remain friends' I believe is really so the other person can use you as an emotional 'safety net' in case their plans of leaving don't work out. You'll be there for them. Don't give them this. It's not healthy for you, and like the others have said, won't help you in the healing process.

I've gone dark with my soon to be ex, and it's been really good for me. Hard at first, but much better than the other options I've tried.

Good luck, and keep posting here, you'll find lots of love and support on this board.

- TTM

I agree with TTM about "Just being friends" means "let me use you for back up in case something goes wrong. I also may want to call you up and ask for advice on my girl-troubles"

How are you doing over the weekend? I know they can be hard at first.

Everyday is really hard. He is still right here. I really hope the house sells soon. I don't want to be here anymore. It hurts too much.

I try to keep myself busy everyday. I had a party on saturday and I went to visit my parents for mothers day. Trying to avoid the whole situation.

Don't you have some friend you can rent a room from for the next few months? A family member? When my father moved here for a job, my mother and we kids stayed in our friend's basement til school was over.

I have an open invitation to stay in my friends spare bedroom. So sometimes, when I just need to get out, that is what I do. She went through the exact same situation and totally understands.

I have my ups and downs with this. And I think my WH does too. Some days I am just fine and think how great my news life will be. At least I don't have to stay up late worrying about when my WH will show up. Other times I think about being alone for the rest of my lfe, losing everything we'e built and not seeing my 2 dogs again. And it makes me so upset.

But I'm doing much better than I was a year ago. I know I'll make it. I'm a little sick about what the future has in store, but it has to better than the past.

You sound like a really nice person. You won't likely be alone for the rest of your life. Unless you want to, of course.

Someone out there is going to realize what a catch you are and be thrilled at the chance to be with you. H just doesn't know what he's losing.

Can you set up visitation with your dogs?

Thanks catperson for the kind words. I know I've done some rotten things in my life, even to my WH, but I know I'm a good person. I have come to the conclusion that he just brings out the worst in me.

We have talked about each of us taking a dog and then swapping every few weeks so that we each would have visitation. I am just worried about the contact with my WH. I'm thinking of setting it up in a way that I would not have to see him the exchange the dogs. Not sure how that will work, maybe giving him a key or vice versa, so that he could, or I could just let the dogs in and out.

Well, my house goes up on the market today. A sign that things are finally moving forward. However, I still find the actions of my WH very questionable.

He still is very attached to me even though he is the one who wants out. I went away for the weekend. I had mentioned that my parents called and gave me all kinds of crap for going to visit my friend in NJ for the holiday weekend. (My mom always makes me feel gulty about living my own life and not telling her about it - I'm 33).

Anyway, he tried to cheer my up and tell me that I shouldn't let my mother get to me. This went on for like an hour. Very odd.

Then he called back and told me that the realtor had called. Said the house was going up and we are getting the street sign today. Then he talked about how sad it was. I'm thinking to myself..... why is this sad for you.... you should be happy..... you finally get what you want..... anyway, I try not to act one way or the other and just asked about the details of the realtor call.

Why do they do this? Why do they not want to be married and then act all sad that things are coming to an end? I just don't get the mentality of the WW spouse. They are all high and mighty one minute that they are sure that the M was never supposed to be, then they act all sad that it's ending....

I thought I was crazy once, so I started seeing a shrink... now I know why....

"I thought I was crazy... now I know why" LMAO.

Why do you let him talk to you for that long? It must be really hard.

I guess the reason I still talk to him so miuch is because I keep holding out hoping that he will change his mind.... but no luck. Once we both move, I have been contemplating going to plan B for my own sanity....

Ahh, I remember those days all too well.

My STBXWH accused me of all sorts of nasty things in the months following D Day. He told people I was stalking him, mean, abusive, trying to poison/kill him. The ones that decided to believe him (his family and friends) let him continue with his lies. Probably still do.

After a temporary stint living with my sister, I found a place of my own. It was about a month by myself, when it finally hit me.

Why am I bothering with a controlling, lying, self absorbed loser? I had no children, only our cats (which I had kept when I packed up the house after he left) I took off my wedding rings that morning, and they have not touched my finger since.

After 10 years as a couple, I realized something. I didn't deserve to be abused in such a disgusting way. I deserved better. He was not the type of person I would let into my life, let alone be in a relationship with.

So, days turned into weeks, then months. I did not call my WH ever! He, called me, but I never answered the phone. The last time I spoke with him, he had called me at work in late July. Asked me if he could remain on our car insurance one more month (I was feeling generous that day, so I said yes) and he asked me if he could come by with the cheque. I told him to go for it. Would you believe this? I got an email from him later that day telling me to leave him alone once and for all! He told me that if I did not stop contacting him, he was going to be forced to call the police!!!

Bahahahah!!!

I guess he had to make me look really bad, so it was a good show for the girlfriend. I of course, did not respond. I have better things to do.

Anyway, I had grieved for a good five months. I had not seen my WH since March last year, and just realized that I had spent too much time grieving, and not enough time living.

Some may say it was too soon, but I met someone in August. Someone that treats me with respect, takes care of me, loves me, and is completely and totally honest with me. Comparing him to my STBX is completely and totally disrespectful, because honestly, those two men are NOT in the same class.

Time DOES heal all wounds. And, once your STBX is gone from your life permanently, you will find it too. I STRONGLY recommend this. Life became easier for me when I realized I didn't have to deal with his [censored] anymore.

Count yourself lucky... you do not have any children in this marriage. I thank God everyday for this.

(and, insist you keep both dogs. Let WH have something else if he wants. After all, if he is in Wayward mode, he won't care as long as he does not have to deal with you. I kept everything in our home, two of our vehicles, and left him with his tools and clothes)

Tools for the tool? I like that...

Pretty much.

Kinda regretting that though... sometimes you just need a hammer around the house. :P

I first want to say that I do not have the hope or desire to save this M at all any longer. I needed to see myself write that to make sure :P

Today it was our 6 year anniversary. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to ignore the whole thing.

My WS actually gave me a gift! I couldn't believe. I did not expect it. It was a book, which was a thoughtful gift, since I love to read.

I appreciated it, but I don't trust a thing he does anymore. I think he was trying to kiss my butt for something or other.

Earlier in the week he had asked me to go to the movies today since there was something we both wanted to see. I said sure. We both planned to either go to the movie or play the online game we both play for a few hours.

Well he ended up going to some benefit for I forget what. He disappeared for 7 hours. Come to find out he was out with OW1 and OW2. His biches... As I like to call em.

Anywho. He finally shows up... drunk.... saying he's not drunk. HAH. I really should film him when he is like this. A totaly different person then when he is sober.

Anyway, he terrorizes MY dogs and passes out on the couch after spilling sweet tea all over the floor. Needless to say I didn't clean it up. He will have to do that tomorrow when he rises from his drunken stooper er i mean slumber.

He always always always always complained to me that we never had sex.... Well who wants to have sex with that . I realize now after all those years, I didn't like to have sex with him anymore because he was always drunk and smelled like that pretty much everyday and it disgusted me. Even when he was sober I wasn't attracted to him for this very reason. I don't feel so bad about it anymore looking back. Before I met him I never had a problem with sex.

Because now I am able to step back from the situation, I'm understanding why I fell out of love with this man a few years ago and I got depressed.

I was actually very sad when he went out today and disappeared, but when he came home it reminded me of why I was soooo unhappy with him before.

I'm actually relieved that things are moving in the direction of the D. I think I will have a better life, not worrying if my WH will show up at home alive today. I thank god every day I did not have children with this man.

Still trying to sell the house in this market. We have had one offer that was just not good enough. Still hoping for the right buyer to come along to buy our house.

Now it seems like you're really letting go.

It's really tough when your STBX is living in the house with you. Set up clear boundaries. Has he filed? If not, why don't you?

Sometimes, a WS has said "I want a divorce, but I'm not moving out." The BS eventually decides divorce may be the best option, and the BS stops giving a darn what the WS does.

Suddenly the WS is in a peachy situation. Come and go without facing remonstration, yet have peace in the home and many of the perqs of being married. So, the impetus to get divorced dries up for the WS.

Leaving the BS to file, something the BS never really wanted to do.

And I totally agree. Drunk people are terrible in bed and really unattractive.