She is not saying that at all. She has actually stated the opposite that she doesn't feel like she deserves me. When we have argued she tells me she is so afraid that I am going to decide I can't forgive her and I will just leave her.

She said the thing about other guys she could have dated after I asked if I was her choice or just her only option. Her reply was that there were other options but she chose me because none of them were me.

Yes we have had a short marriage so far but we practically lived as a married couple for 5 years prior to the marriage and there were no signs of infidelity until this other guy came along.

She has offered to give me her email passwords etc. I don't think she is hiding anything. I can account for 99% of her time and the only time she is not with me is when she is at work where her dad is her boss and he throws a fit if she does anything non work related. She cut things off with OM on her own and from what I can tell, she really dislikes the OM now that she realizes what kind of person he is. She knows she made bad decisions and trusted a scumbag. On top of that she is a terrible liar. I think if she was going to have an A she would ask for another D so that she doesn't have to feel the guilt of having an A.

Some of you seem to want me to just throw in the towel. I thought this sight was about saving marriages. Believe me, I have a backbone and if I see or find something that even looks remotely like contact with the OM I will walk away on my own. Actually, she will be walking away because I am not moving out again.

I posted this topic to vent basically because I was horny and didn't get sex. I have been known to be a bit immature at times and this was one of those times. I don't mean to sound so defensive and I am thankful for your replies. I am sure you all have nothing but good intentions but sometimes, the people on this board kind of contradict everything in Dr. Harley's books.

I believe SH himself says that when a spouse cheats and there are no kids involved that opting to get out of the marriage is ok.

I could be wrong and someone could correct me.

I'm only offering my perspective as a dad of 3 kids. I would not have thought of reconciliation at all if it wasn't for my kids.

I've seen now that I'm single is that there are many good women out there and a lot with morals who value marriage and don't have a problem keeping thier pants zipped.

THAT is why I say you should think about it. If you D it's really no worse than a breakup since you have no reason to ever stay in contact with that other person ever again.

Kids change everything. With kids there is a family to save and the security of other little people to consider and take into account. There incentive to forgive.

I'm not telling you what to do. I'm simply offering you ideas to chew on.

l to w,,, sorry if you thought i was attacking your w. i was just offering my opinion from the info you supplied as you supplied it.

i am not telling you to D your w. but from your discriptions it sounds an awful lot like someone that was not FULLY committed to rebuilding their marriage.

sorry if i misunderstood that. from your last post it sounds like you need to work on you.

>>>>>>>>>>>I posted this topic to vent basically because I was horny and didn't get sex. I have been known to be a bit immature at times and this was one of those times.<<<<<<<<<<<<<

all i can say is that you probably need a good IC to help you get your LB'ing under control.

then you won't have to go a whole "week" with blue balls.

L2W: I am in a very similar boat, its funny the amount of similarities I see in the things you have said and the ages / time together. We were also together 5 years before we got married and lived together for most of them.

At first, after D-Day that is, my wife was really giving with the sex, in fact it was the best I can remember. I am not saying it was for her, I am fairly sure she was just trying to please me, but anyway it was good. But as time has gone by and I have shown how upset I am about the affair, or blown up a couple times, that has faded. It seems like me being upset makes her feel we arent going to make it, and that makes her not want to be sexual. So when you say your wife is afraid you are going to leave her, that reminds me a lot of things my wife says. Do you feel like you have committed to staying with her for the long run? Does she know where you stand on that? Are you venting just to get through this time, or are you guys arguing because you arent sure what you want to do?

I envy you that your WW has a bad image of OM, my wife still defends her OM and if anything feels bad for him because she dropped him even tho they were "in love". I guess he was hoping she would leave me, and he was all ready to move down her to be with her, so my situation might be different there. At least you dont have to compete with OM at this point.

The sex thing is super frustrating for me too, but I think I know deep down that its much better to wait it out and hope she comes around rather than pressure her into fulfilling my needs right now. It seems that she "should" fulfill my needs, since I am doing everything I can right now to fulfill hers, but I just dont see that getting things where I want them to be. I got her a boatload of lingerie (never bought her any before) and she likes to try it on for me. Its been a good first step in doing something sex-related that we both enjoy and doesnt make her feel pressured. Of course, I have to be very restrained to be hands off, but its doable.

Anyway, I know its super hard, but dont let everything turn on the sex situation, work on the other stuff and the sex might come with time. And if you feel you have done everything you can and she isnt responding, then you can do what you gotta do. But you guys been together 10 years, you can handle a few months of insufficient sex to figure things out.

Hiato,

I responded to your thread and the similarities are more startling than you think. I did come here just to vent, she said things in the heat of the moment that got to me and rather than duke it out with her I came here to vent.

The OM wanted to move here too, he wanted to jump in to take my place full time and my WW didn't want that. He apparently wouldn't leave her alone to think and that was what drove her away from him. In her eyes, she didn't cheat because she was positive she was getting a divorce. She saw herself as being single. She doesn't think that what she did was ok or anything like that, she knows she eff'd up big time. So I guess I am "lucky" in that regard.

As far as the sex thing, I feel the same as you do, it's frustrating as heck but there are things that are more important. She will come around eventually I just have to make her feel comfortable and Dr. Harley says that can take time.

Pops,

I took no offense from your comments. I do appreciate your input. Thank you.

I guess my WW's OM was better about it, he would make comments to her over the internet like "I should just move there" or "Some people just need to get divorced" but my WW swears she responded to that kinda thing with silence or frowns. Swears she never took her ring off too, which I think is odd considering they stayed at hotels. But he didnt make a full out assault, I guess he mustve been taking it slowly hoping he could convince her before we moved back together in August. This guy did it like a pro, on the first visit (he was here for work apparently) he got her to sleep in the bed but they didnt do anything. Of course, the visits after that they did it all. Good thing your OM was less patient and pushed your WW away.

Its funny what you said about your wife thinking she was single. Last summer, I took a job in my wife's town to be with her, but all she wanted to do was play on the internet. So after I left, I was real cold to her for a while, because I was hurt and thinking "hey is this what its gonna be like when we move back together". I think I may have asked her if she wanted to end it, and she said no. Anyway, she now tells me that because of this down period, she wasnt sure we were going to make it, and that opened her up to the OM. But we hadnt taken any affirmative steps toward ending anything when this happened, I fully expected us to move together, so she was still way out of bounds.

It seems sorta ridiculous to be married if people just start lookin around when they arent sure whether things are gonna last long term. But I guess thats the way it is sometimes, and thats why maybe its best to make WW feel secure that you are gonna be there for the long run.

""Some of you seem to want me to just throw in the towel. I thought this sight was about saving marriages. Believe me, I have a backbone""

Lefty and Hiato!!

DUDES, my post from above (which I copied just below) IS the get more sex initiative! The 180 is a real plan. Bob Pure brought this plan to focus and he not only saved his marriage, but is opening an MB ministry in the UK at his church!!

I give you books and give you books.....anyway, this is no joke!!

YOU DON'T LET HER SEE YOU SAD!!

""There is a variation of plan A called "the 180". Or it's another option available to you that has worked well for some BHs here, like Mr. Bob Pure, who is much more articulate than I and can explain it to you if he is listening/reading.

In a nutshell;

No weepy wimpy woosy behavior. No relationship talk, no tender eye gazing, hugs and mushyness. Not even "I love you"s. Your actions are like you could give a cr@p if she is there or not. You care about her but your freaking life does not REVOLVE around her. YOUR life takes center stage. If she wants to be a part of it, that's cool. If not, you will get back to her.

You still plan A, being the best H you can be, but a little more detached. Like tough love. The ladies, it seems, do not hanker for a weepy, clingy, relationship talking, broken shell of a man...even if they are the cause of it.

She is the one that came running and sobbing to you when it was evident you could live with out her and were going to, correct?

You were standing up for yourself at that point. So now you are different? You can plan A and still keep your backbone.

Plus, I do not think she is intentionally withholding SF from you, but the W W W behavior (see above) is not tripping her trigger.""

IMHO

kirk

Thanks krusht,

I will take your advice as it is the advice I have already given myself so many times. Not just in an attempt to get sex as the more I read my own post the more immature I feel about it but because it is what is right for me. I am tired of carrying this burden and I think I just need to let go, If she wants to help me great but I have never been able to (apparently) nor should I now depend on her for it. I won't let her see me sad. Thank you. Also thank you for your reply in my other thread.

I wonder if she has so much guilt about it that it's too hard for her to have SF with you. Maybe that was her way of saving herself from the pain. It's another spin on it.

Also, if that is the case...I think the 180 plan that was suggested could really be a catalyst to a wonderful new recovered M full of all kinds of fulfilling SF.

That sounds like it could be a real positive outcome for you LTW.

Put it to the test!!! Be the man she first was attracted to and you'll be taking care of your own emotional health as well.


Good luck!!