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I want to know specifically what your FWW's did to help toward recovery. What meant the most to you and helped you during those times when your emotions were overwhelming. I am trying to find other ways and also to improve what I have been doing so that my husband feel safe with me. I know I need to improve in the area of empathy, not that I don't have any, I just need to improve my method of delivery. I need to improve my re-explaining things back to TTH so he knows that I know how he feels. I have never done this my entire life so it feel a bit unnatural, but I am committed to making it a part of my reaction to his hurt.
I want him to know without a doubt that he is exclusive and special and loved. I think he knows that I am remorseful and feel so ashamed of what I did.
I just need any advice in this matter...
Any help would be much appreciated
FWW-28
BH-41(still claiming 34 LOL!)
DS-3
D-DAY 05/08
EA 07/07-10/07
PA 10/07-12/07
MARRIED 08/19/2001
ON OUR WAY TO RECOVERY
ON MY WAY TO BECOMING A BETTER WIFE
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Be Consistent..
I know that is usually what sets me off, if she is inconsistent with her behavior, attitude or what she does it usually is a HUGE trigger for me.
Communicate when you are going to make a change.. in grooming habbits, in the way you wear your hair. No suprises for a while. Transparency is the key.
Your BH needs time to process what he has gone through, and being consistent will allow him to feel safe while he does.
Encourage him when he does something you like too. When he cry's hold him and let him know you are there. Ask if there are things you can change that will make him feel more comfortable.. show him you are invested in your relationship..
BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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Ditto. Everything he said. Patience is the key. Patience and a constant amount of reassurance that you have learned from the mistake and will not do that to him again.
He's insecure and is going to feel insecure until he sees the changes in you.
He may be too hurt to see it, but he will with time and consistency on your part.
You are a rare breed of WW. You're very hard at work at earning that F and it is nice to see.
He will come to see, hopefully, that this event in your marriage presents an opportunity for him to meet your ENs and you to do the same to him.
You can emerge from this with a marriage others could envy. All you have to do is ride out the storm. Steel is strong because it is forged in fire.
You are enduring the fire right now. But if you can do so, you'll emerge with a good marriage.
You can't punish yourself forever. He can't punish you forever. You've taken the first big step and that is to apologize to him with no "buts". (I'm sorry, but....)
That is a big step, regardless of whether or not you stay together or divorce. That need to hear an apology never goes away, regardless of what is happening.
So be patient and be consistent.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Not to sound like a typical "thinking with my d___" type of guy, but initiating SF is a big one. Even if he doesn't feel like it, the effort will likely be appreciated.
Divorced
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Not to sound like a typical "thinking with my d___" type of guy, but initiating SF is a big one. Even if he doesn't feel like it, the effort will likely be appreciated. Ditto Krazy.
BS ME 35, XWW 37, DS 7, DD 5, DS 5, D-day1 12-20-2007.Multiple Ddays
Divorce 1/29/2009
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Have you yet taken the time to find out what his top 5 EN's are?
Find out.. then make it your mission in life to fill those every day.
Transparency and patience are the key elements though. If he's still in this with you, then he obviously loves you, and understands that there's something about you and your marriage worth fighting for.
Feed love, and it will grow.
I know that for me, the biggest hurdle to overcome isn't that my WW had sex with another man.. moved out and initiated a divorce to be with him. The biggest hurdle to me is that her vows and promises to me meant so little to her, that my trust and my love weren't worth anything to her.
Now those things -may- not be true entirely.. but that's how I -feel-.. and while we're taught not to act on our 'feelings'.. when the one person in the world who I didn't worry about, sticks the knife in my back.. I'd get a little jittery about her being in the kitchen if you catch the allegory.
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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Thank you all so much. Everything that has been said is great and much appreciated. TTH deserves to be loved and going through the fire is worth it to save our marriage. I think most of those things said are being implemented (and the ones that aren't will be) and I know that sometimes I fail in them and it makes me feel awful that I can't be that perfect, always able to push down me emotions, kind of person. I tend to internalize so many things and that is what got us into trouble in the first place. I really hope TTH can see that I am trying though and that there is nothing I want more than to see the wound healing and the recovery process going well.
Thanks again,
ILMH
FWW-28
BH-41(still claiming 34 LOL!)
DS-3
D-DAY 05/08
EA 07/07-10/07
PA 10/07-12/07
MARRIED 08/19/2001
ON OUR WAY TO RECOVERY
ON MY WAY TO BECOMING A BETTER WIFE
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Ilmh, I don't know if this will help or not. I posted it over the weekend on my Musings thread linked in my sig line. I also posted a couple things TTH might want to check out. Ten Steps to Recovery:
1) “You have to stop the affair,” says Jamie Turndorf, PhD, a couple’s therapist in New York. “You can’t reinvest in the marriage if you have one foot out the door.”
2) Remember that there will be ups and downs after an affair. “The road to recovery after an affair is jagged, and that is completely normal,” says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting, The Divorce Remedy and The Sex Starved Marriage.
3) “The person who had the affair needs to be willing to discuss what happened openly if the betrayed spouse wants to do that.” (Weiner-Davis)
4) “The person who had the affair has to be willing to be accountable for his or her whereabouts, even though he or she thinks that may be unfair.” (Weiner-Davis)
5) “There needs to be a willingness to make promises and commitments about the future, that an affair will not happen again.” (Weiner-Davis)
6) The betrayed person should set the timetable for recovery. “So often the person who cheated is eager to put the past in the past, but he or she really has to honor the other person’s timetable.” (Weiner-Davis)
7) “The person who had the affair should examine the personal reasons for straying and what needs to change to avoid temptation in the future.” (Weiner-Davis)
8) As for moving forward, both people in the relationship should take responsibility for building a new foundation. “Both people in the relationship should ask the other what he or she can do to rebuild the connection and what actions should be avoided because they are breaking it,” says Turndorf. “Even the person who was cheated on should say to him or herself, ‘What role did I play in driving you away and what can I do to make you more connected to me in the future?”
9) Try marriage therapy or take a marriage education class. “You really need to find a counselor or therapist who is pro-marriage, and can help get your relationship back on track,” says Weiner-Davis. “Steer clear of therapists who see infidelity as a marital death-sentence – it isn’t.”
The original article had the above nine steps to recovery listed. I add this one:
10) Both partners in the marriage need to commit to following Marriage Builders methods for building a healthy, happy and fulfilling marriage. It will be what happens from now on rather than what you do with the past that will matter most. You can’t fix what happened, but you can fix the relationship so it doesn’t happen again. Mark
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HiILMH!
My wife....
was transparent
was honest
answered every question immediately
comforted me
enthusiastically engaged in MB
read the Infidelity FAQ's
read SAA
established and maintained NC with OM
phoned me immediately when OM tried to break NC
built a wonderful marriage for us both
She could not have done any more.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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you have been given great advice. the only thing i would lik eto add is be very very patient. you may get to a time that YOU feel has been long enough. yet it may not have been long enough for your h to completely bury the thoughts. be patient with him
part of what you will have to do is help rebuild your h's confidence and self esteem in himself. i am sure it works both ways but it seems to a huge slap to his ego when a mans w has an A.
me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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part of what you will have to do is help rebuild your h's confidence and self esteem in himself. i am sure it works both ways but it seems to a huge slap to his ego when a mans w has an A. AGREED!! This is HUGE! My Ego took a HUGE hit. Especially if the A was Physical.
BH - me - 29
WW - 28
Married 07/2001
D-Day #2 - 03/01/2008
03/22/2008 - NC Established
05/??/2008 - NC Broken (I think)
07/01/2008 - WW 'Unsure of what she wants to do'
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part of what you will have to do is help rebuild your h's confidence and self esteem in himself. i am sure it works both ways but it seems to a huge slap to his ego when a mans w has an A. AGREED!! This is HUGE! My Ego took a HUGE hit. Especially if the A was Physical. Add another ego losing guy to the list   . Sorry [censored] list is is too. 
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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ILMH,
Ya know. The one thing all good marriages have is humor and a couple that ENJOYS one another, particularly the parts that are NOT perfect. ILMH, if you want to know how to treat your H, go watch an old married couple. You will humor, you will see jibs, you will see smiles, and mock frustration coupled with a smirk or two. You will two people that know one another and know that neither of them are perfect, but what they have is a life partner.
I know your H appreciates your efforts and I think you have been given great advice, but I think you need to learn how to be "married" and that means accepting him as he is, and he accepting you as you are. And who are you??? You are a woman who will find something very interesting, if you give love you will find that you do love. He will feel it, and I would bet with time the healing will be complete.
ENJOY your H and I think you will find he will begin to heal even better.
God Bless,
JL
PS: In many ways working on a marriage is NOT work. It is simply focus and taking joy out of things that we previously did not pay attention to.
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Thanks everyone we are really working on spending more time with each other and doing stuff that isn't affair related. Usually the half days we have on Saturdays are okay and Sundays are our family days.
I think Friday nights are our only night alone where the affair is supposed to be off limits. Last friday TTH got so overwhelmed with his emotions on the way home from work that we didn't even get that. I look back at this last week and realize that just about everything that has been said when we are alone together has been about the affair. It hasn't all been bad, but nevertheless still affair talk. We really don't have much more than 15 hours alone together total a week right now so the affair talk takes most of those hours up.
Sometimes my love bank feels so drained! I feel that because the affair takes up 90% of our talks that there is no reserve left. I feel like I am trying so hard to meet his needs because i realize he must feel depleted too. We are both running on empty I think.
FWW-28
BH-41(still claiming 34 LOL!)
DS-3
D-DAY 05/08
EA 07/07-10/07
PA 10/07-12/07
MARRIED 08/19/2001
ON OUR WAY TO RECOVERY
ON MY WAY TO BECOMING A BETTER WIFE
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Its difficult for a BS to get through the rawness that comes with "just finding out", which is what happened to TTH because you did not tell him the truth initially. So you reset the clock, and your reset it worse than before.
I would guess that it took me 2-3 months before I really started to gain some clarity, to be able to NOT be completely consumed by the A. However, it is important that you both establish some rules about "relationship talk". He might NEED to talk every day. I don't think that's best, but IF he feels he needs to, then you need to set a time limit on it. IF its every day, then make it for 30 minutes. Set a timer if you have to. Agree that when that timer goes off, the conversation is simply tabled until the next session. I would recommend only doing these sessions perhaps twice a week or so though.
I think it important that the BS know that there is a set time coming where they can and are expected to talk about issues and bring up questions. For me, just knowing that there was a time scheduled between my W and I where we were going to talk allowed me to not need to bring it up all the time. It also allowed me to sort through things and figure out what was actually important to talk about. If its "every day, all the time" that is draining and unhealthy, imo. But I am pretty confident that if you commit to a schedule and keep it, that in time TTH's need to talk and revisit the issues will decrease.
YOU have to be willing to go through this with him. I sense that your endurance is failing. Perhaps its time for a weekend of fun away together or something?
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My FWW's A completely consumed me for a year and a half. The first 6 months after d-day are a blur. Literally. I don't suppose I'll ever get that time back...not that I'd want it, anyway.
I had a new job title and more responsibility forced upon me at work. Schedules, deadlines, etc. I have almost no memory of working on or completing my first project. When I'm asked about that project now, I have to look it up the info.
Only now, with my 2 year d-day anniversary coming up in 3 weeks, am I able to maintain a stable exterior on a day-to-day basis. I never go more than an hour or so without thinking about the A.
All this, and my W never lied to me. I had no idea who OM was, but she gave me his name, employer, cell phone number, etc., when she could've refused to and left me hanging in the wind.
Divorced
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The timer is something we have talked about and even tried. TTH gets home at about 9pm most nights and two of those nights I get home after him because of my classes, so a half an hour is about all I can take before sleepiness sets in and I think that is frustrating for TTH.
He is extremely long winded and we usually end up talking for more like an hour and a half to two hours. There is almost always a need for SF afterwards, but I feel I can't even give that my best try because by then it's midnight. We have agreed to try to get up an hour earlier to have time to just sit together and have coffee, but if we go to bed at midnight or later it seems neither one of us can physically manage that..(neither one of us are really morning people) Not that it is an excuse. I would love to get up earlier and start my day at a slower pace.
I am not losing my determination to help my husband recover, I just need some advice on how to physically manage those sorts of time frames that we have. Sometimes I think that talking about anything serious after 9pm is a bad idea. Neither one of us is thinking straight at that point because of the demands of the day, and probably say things that don't make any sense.
On Saturday I go to work in the afternoon, but our DS is always there and Sunday is designated as family day so we can do something fun with DS.
We talk and text all day long which is nice, but having that face to face time is desperately needed right now. I really wish we had the funds to take a weekend away from everyone! We could really use that.
FWW-28
BH-41(still claiming 34 LOL!)
DS-3
D-DAY 05/08
EA 07/07-10/07
PA 10/07-12/07
MARRIED 08/19/2001
ON OUR WAY TO RECOVERY
ON MY WAY TO BECOMING A BETTER WIFE
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You know ... you see it here all of the time. Excuses after excuses for why someone can't do what needs to be done, but they still find time to post here, and you sure found time to be with OM, cover your tracks and gaslight your BH ... and now you are wondering why HE'S still struggling???
I'm sorry for being blunt, but I've kept up with your stories for some time, and from my perspective, you're saying all of the right "words" to these fine people here, but your "actions" towards your BH just don't match up to those "words".
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I am not making excuses. we are spending every waking moment we have, to be together not to mention talking and texting all day. I would love nothing better than for my husband to come home in the middle of the day and spend time here.
I am posting to get help, not say the right things to get anyone's approval. By my posting my husband sees that I am seeking out help and applying where necessary.
I do not have all the right answers or always know the right things to do, but I keep trying and that's all I can do. As long as we are making progress (and we are) I have faith that we will make it.
FWW-28
BH-41(still claiming 34 LOL!)
DS-3
D-DAY 05/08
EA 07/07-10/07
PA 10/07-12/07
MARRIED 08/19/2001
ON OUR WAY TO RECOVERY
ON MY WAY TO BECOMING A BETTER WIFE
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I want to know specifically what your FWW's did to help toward recovery. What meant the most to you and helped you during those times when your emotions were overwhelming. I am trying to find other ways and also to improve what I have been doing so that my husband feel safe with me. I know I need to improve in the area of empathy, not that I don't have any, I just need to improve my method of delivery. I need to improve my re-explaining things back to TTH so he knows that I know how he feels. I have never done this my entire life so it feel a bit unnatural, but I am committed to making it a part of my reaction to his hurt.
I want him to know without a doubt that he is exclusive and special and loved. I think he knows that I am remorseful and feel so ashamed of what I did.
I just need any advice in this matter...
Any help would be much appreciated She divorced me! So do the opposite of what she did, and you'll have a good chance. (So my XW was never a FWW, just to be clear.) She justified her affair, instead of saying her actions were wrong and hurtful. She kept information from me, prior to the affair, and during the affair. She put all the blame for the broken marriage on me, treating me as the problem, instead of looking at her own behaviors. She listened to her feelings more than looking at facts. She "felt" our marriage was a mistake, she "felt" alive with the OM, she "felt" that God would forgive her of her sins, she "felt" better when she was not around me, etc. It was all about her feelings, and very little about the feelings of others around her. By the end, I was pretty happy to have her gone. So don't do what she did. Own your actions, think of his feelings more than yours, and be totally open and honest with him.
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