Hi All,

I guess the subject line sort of sums up how I am feeling. I just can't shake this sense of utter despair. I have made so many mistakes in my marriage and I feel like I have almost no chance of a reconciliation. This is killing me. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without my husband by my side. I always thought we would grow old together....watch our children get married together....play with our grandchildren together.

I feel defeated, devisated, crushed. Tried plan A. That didn't work. After 4 months and conintued betrayal, threw him out and went to plan B. He said he didn't want a divorce. Tried reconciliation (well....I tried). That didn't work because she contacted him again and he began to secretly meet her again. We argued and I told him give her up or move out. He said he didn't want to leave because this was his home. I said he didn't have to leave....just give her up. After 3 agonizing weeks, and me bribing him to leave, he left.

The logical side of me knows that crying, pleading, begging, screaming, threatening, etc. won't work. The emotional side of me wants to make a deal with the devil to get him back (metaphorically speaking of course).

There is still a teenie tiny part of me that has hope. I am in a plan B. Very little contact....just financial stuff and family stuff. What does it mean to go dark?

I remember that movie with Jim Carey where he got brainwashed to forget his girlfriend ever existed. I wish I could do that because it is feeling like this pain will never end. I feel like I need answers and explanations as to what is going on with him. I just don't understand and I feel like I am in the Twilight zone. If anyone knows of the magic pill to help me, please, please let me know where I can get it.

It's just so hard to pick up the pieces when they are so shattered and scattered to the wind.

((((((((((peaceomind))))))))))

I don't know any words to help you but I know how you are feeling. Hang in there.

Charlotte

There are several people on the site right now that are doing a dark Plan B. It is where you have NO CONTACT whatsoever and you have a mediator.

Did you do a Plan B letter or just "bribing" him to move out?

Maybe there is still hope. Sounds like he didn't want the divorce the first time around, but he was still in withdrawal and sucked back into the fog.

Is he living with her?

I'm sorry peace, I should have told you. I've been in a dark Plan B since December 15th and it's been the best thing that happened in the whole sorry affair!! (Pun intended!)

It gives you your power back so you don't feel so untethered.

I only saw Mr. Gray at the hearing last month on the 13th. That's since December. And absolutely NO direct contact. All through my Shiny Attorney and my intermediary.

Now Gray is trying to "Plan B" me by trying to get me to agree to let him come over to my home alone to work on inventory and to give him a key!

But yeah, DARK is FANTASTIC!!

Hi Only,

I did not do a plan B letter this time. I did one the first time and nothing has changed, so I kind of think he knows where I stand. The "bribing" was me giving him a short term financial benefit so he could afford to move out for our 3 month "trial separation". He had a place he could live for free for the 3 months. Now he has choosen to rent a townhouse beginning mid July, when our agreement ends mid Aug. Sounds to me like he has already made up his mind. Part of me is saying why should I have ANY hope of our marriage working out.

He is not living with her and says that they won't be "living" together once he moves into the townhouse. But....she spends a lot of time with him, including overnight. It makes me sick to think that I am so sad and depressed and he is happy and playing house with her.

I still have a lot of anger towards him. I don't want his clothes, books, etc., still in our house if he has signed a lease for another place. I just don't know if it is better to pack his stuff up now and move it to the garage, or wait until our 3 month "trial" separation is up. I don't know if I want his stuff gone due to my anger, or spite. I know I am supposed to do things for me right now. I just don't know what is best for me.

Hi Batman,

Thanks for explaining the dark Plan B. One of the difficult situations I just faced was our DS's High School graduation. That is over now and I have survived. I hopefully won't have to see him for a while now.

We are not using an intermediay, but our very limited communication is through email. I keep it totally business, and from here on out, plan to keep those to as few as possible.

Thank you for your support and best of luck to you.

During my seperation (as we speak) from my W, I learned a few things from a book that I read as far as what to do sround the house. It said that the first thing you need to do to make the house "yours" is move around some funiture...hang a new picture...little things like that make the house seem like it has "your" stamp on it. Don't know about you, but when I was alone in my house I got the feeling that the walls are closing in on me, and everywhere I turned I saw W and OM. Doing little things like I just mentioned helped me...it may help you.

Hi Introvert,

I didn't read it in a book, but I think I have been doing things like that. I bought some new deck furniture and some beautiful plants thinking that they will help beautify "my" home!

Did you change the locks? Move all of her clothes out?

This is so odd, I was just thinking about that movie yesterday! I was wondering, if I could erase the whole marriage and the pain of the divorce, would I? I tried to think of what good memories I would hate to lose, hmmm turned out there weren't that many. Yes, I would erase the past 17 years.

Ok, that was depressing. So, I would need to make some notes about who was who, so when my memory was erased, I could read notes about who was in my life and what role they played. My note about ex was "he is a guy that loves your kids, he picks them up on weekends, expect nothing from him". I start thinking about all my relationships and the notes I would make about them. Turns out, I have a great group of friends and family. Then I thought, should I make notes about who I am? Let's pretend I am going to have total amnesia. What do I need to know about myself.

You know that new sitcom "Samantha Who?", chick with total amnesia has to figure out who she is. Play along, what would I write about myself to teach the "blank" me about myself. Hey, I can say anything! "Blank" me doesn't know any better! I could say I am organized, love to work out, a real people person, etc.

Hey! How about I just become all those things without the brain trauma!

Hee hee, good in theory, maybe I'll stop my own pity party and become that person.


(((((peaceomind))))))

I completely understand your feelings. It is so uncanny you mentioned that movie. Work the program offered here and believe that you can make the best with whatever ends up happening. Marital recovery or personal recovery both involve a lot of work. I have wasted too much time whining because I didn't want anything to change.

Her clothes were (regretfully) thrown out the front door on DDay #1...I say "regretfully", because she and OM picked up her stuff and my actions just opened the door for OM to "nail" (as he calls it) my wife some more in the days following DDay #1 (which she admitted they did). Then we tried to recover for 2 months...had DDay #2, and her clothes were packed again (this time with a little more grace from myself...can't say the same for her though). I have not changed the locks, and I'm hoping she sticks with NC this time around, so when we hit the stage that we can co-habitate as a married couple (instead of a married man, a morally corupt wife, and her boyfriend) we can "try" to recover.


edit:

The book is called...


How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship by Paul Mckenna and Hugh Willbourn

Hi Peace,

I've been where you are. My sitch was very similar in that my WH kept saying he wanted the M but then would still keep sneaking around, lying, etc. After 9 months, I realized that he was going to try to keep both until forever if I let him. I read Dobson's LOVE MUST BE TOUGH and realized that he had no respect for me. During the 9 months, I Plan A'd, and had a few Plan B's too. They WILL cake-eat forever if you let them. It's just that I wanted the M to work so badly that I kept breaking my Plan B's when he said that he wanted to work on it. My mistake - didn't enforce the boundaries (NC letter, counceling with Jennifer etc).

My final Plan B has been the beginning of the healing process. In my case, our house sold immediately after the Plan B so I moved to my own condo, which basically has nothing of his in it except some furniture that we once shared. I can live with that though because I looked at it basically as mine anyway since I picked it out. My new surroundings have helped so much.

Plan B may not bring him back, but it made all the difference for me. Did it force him to be with OP? Yes, probably, but it's better than having all three of us in the M. I'm hoping that OP will meet all of his needs (saying sarcastically of course).

If he won't give up the OP, and you did a good Plan A, there really isn't much more that you can do other than Plan B for your own sanity. Trust those of us in Plan B - after a few weeks/months, you will begin to be more at peace and gain your self respect back in spades.

But you aren't doing this anymore right? Giving him money?

Charlotte

Oh Charlotte....no, no, no, no, no! I am not giving him more money. The only reason I did at the time was to get him out of the house. He kept coming up with one reason or another for not leaving and absolutely refused to go no contact with her. He told me he has kicked her to the curb once before and wasn't going to do that again. So I guess I am the one who is kicked to the curb after almost 36 years together.

I just knew I could no longer stay in the house with him. If he didn't agree to leave after my "bribe" (I am sarcastically using this term because that is how it felt), then I was leaving.

So he finally agreed to the "trial" separation. We'll see where we go from here.

Oh good. Whew! You had me worried, there!

36 years...wow!!

Isn't it funny how they can just rewrite history and walk away from that? We made it to 15 just barely. I know the EA was already going on by then. The PA started sometime in July. (Thanks to keylogger, I knew everything, unfortunately. I just don't know the exact date they did "it.")

Anyway, I don't blame you for wanting him out. It really takes a toll on you emotionally and physically.

Charlotte