So I just recently found out what my husband really is (repeat cheater/[censored])

And now that I'm actually looking for proof that he's cheating I'm finding all sorts of stuff and every little piece ticks me off.

I'm finding receipts from his credit card for dine-in restaurants. Bits and pieces of trash in his car from places he shouldn't be going to. Phone numbers and emails to others with things he just shouldn't be saying.

Some of it is innocent, sure, but I KNOW where it always leads, now, with him.

He's even got the # of his employees on his phone in all caps - he calls this person frequently and he even has the nerve to inform me of their non-personal conversational bits.
Only he's lied to me about this person is - I believe this is who he's seeing, now. He tells me this person's a man but I've called that number and this person's a freaking woman. I know it's her!

The hardest part, though, is that I can't say anything yet. I just have to sit through it until I get enough evidence to confront him - not just paranoia and assumptions.

GRR I'm ticked.
He's out of the house, now, and I know he's chatting away with her on the phone or even seeing her.

#%&!+#$%&$@$^!

Julie, I'm new here, so I cant give any advice, just support. I am going thru a similar discovery. I have discovered that my H is a serial cheater too. And like you, I am collecting evidence, but cannot confront him any further just yet. I feel very foolish and so hurt and used. I cannot understand or believe that my own husband can treat me this way. But the reality is that he has, and still is.

I will listen to you if you want me to. Thisn feels like such a loney position to be in. Take care, from Janey.

Yeah, apparently these kind of men think women are Lay's potato chips.

I bought a cheapo voice recorder from Walmart and it works great. I put it in his car and fully intend on finding out more. I've keylogged the computer with an awesome program that cost me a pretty penny but it's been worth it.

I don't know about your situation - but my husband is a repeat abuser and a recovering alcoholic, not just a cheater.
Only, this time he picked the wrong women. I'm not submissive and I don't take BS well so it's no surprise that all of this is coming around sooner than later in our marriage.
But I'm trying to be glossy and happy and sweet as always and not let him know that I know.

I want evidence and a ton of it so I can share it with the courts and maybe even the local police department - depending on what I gather up.

*hugs to you*
I hope your situation pans out with you on top and in control

Julie,

Remind us how long you have been married and if you have children with this man.

Also, I know you have done a terrific job of finding ways to gather more evidence. Have you thought beyond that and what you will do with that evidence, obviously expose. But then what are you going to do.

Will you work a Plan A? What will that look like? I know that you must be going absolutely crazy finding out all of this information and not telling him yet and feeling like you are bottled up. Perhaps walking through the steps and the game plan in your mind and even putting it out on paper will help you maintain the personal control that you deserve to have.

Have you sought out an IC, have you considered speaking to your doctor in case you need any anxiety medication? I'm just asking so that you work up a solid, detailed plan. I know how you must feel and I'm sure it's driving you crazy. Just want you to be prepared for the next step and then the next step and then the next step while you have time to put thought into those during this evidence gathering process that you are accomplishing.

At most importantly, what is your plan for self-recovery. What will you do to take care of yourself?

See the GPS thread for instructions on snooping.

I'm trying to balance these two conflicting emotions:

Sometimes I feel:
He's a repeat abuser and cheater and he'll never change. Getting married was a mistake and I should just get up and leave and never look back. Take all the kids, go to my parent's house, go to college and in 4 years I'll be completely independent and capable of caring for all of them.
It's right and understandable for me to be curious, not trust him and want to snoop - even the thoughts that are in his freaking head I have aright to demand to know about.
Whenever he says anything I doubt it, I feel that he's always lying and he's just a piece of crap on my shoe.

But most other times I feel:
He's fighting his temptations and winning. He truly does love me and our children (even the stepkids) and really wants to handle his problems and not run away from them.
He wants this to work out and he doesn't like throwing away everything he has every time things get difficult.
I feel like we're different than all of his other relationships gone to crap and that difference will keep us together.
We can work through this and be closer together for it in the end. Thick and thin, we're together and we always will be even when things are hard.
He's truthful and tries his best to be patient and understanding.
I feel I'm just being paranoid for NO reason at all and I should trust him 100%. Yes, eventhough he's given me quite a few reasons why I shouldn't.
I should be understanding and forgiving.
Of all the women he's been wrapped up with I'm *most* like him so why can't he just love me, damnit! I'm willing to accept all of his stupid jokes, his career and everything else that goes along with him. Even the little clicking noise he makes when he sleeps.
I'm "messed up" too - so we're perfect for eachother!


So what the hell - how on earth can I have 2 sets of completely conflicting thoughts on this entire thing? Like freaking day and night.

I haven't come up with any real defined plans, yet. It all depends on what he is doing, if he's doing anything. If I snoop for a good while and find nothing else of consequence then will that be enough for me to be able to move on a bit and work things out with him openly and honestly and us to stay together, truly and completed commited to eachother? Or is my trust for him shattered to the point tha I'll never get over it and I shouldn't even bother?

Should I club him over the head when he walks in the door after work or should I hug him?

How long is long enough? If he cheated on his wife and left her for another woman after being together for 9 years then what? I hang in for another 4 and then make a choice? I be suspicious of everything he says and does for endless years?
To me that's just agony and stupid. I'm not going to do that. I shouldn't have to do that!

Maybe I need to just keep a diary of my thoughts for a while since I just *have* to let it out somehow and I acn't be flooding the net with this stuff.

Thanks for reading and all the advice!

Oh, and I'm pissed that he's an alcoholic and I can't drink, anymore.
I have a lot of resentment related to all the many things I've had to give up in this marriage (my job, my freedom adn friends) only to give up more and more and more.

I need a dang cigarette and a stinking bottle of rum.

Well, it seems like this is the basic answer to your question.

Dr. Phil aptly says "...if they'll do it WITH you....they'll do it ON you...."

I think you have every good reason to kick him to the curb....I think the recent actions show that he is not repentant for even the first time.


Well, maybe the affair is God doing you a favor and giving you grounds to get out.

Just curious, were you that other woman?

Yeah, the answer is right there in the bottom of that bottle!

Julie,

I'm so sorry that you are in this mess. You're in the right place to find others that truly know how you feel.

I can relate to MANY of the things that you said, on both sides. I know it doesn't make much sense.

In hindsight, 6 years later, I can tell you that you need to get into counseling for yourself. You need to work on a self-recovery program independent of what he does. Because you need to become strong enough to either 1) fight this battle with him and be prepared for relapses or 2) leave him.

He appears to have an addiction (i.e. repeat/serial cheater). And if he's an alcoholic to boot, you are going through and will continue to go through alot!

Have you gone to ALANON?

Set some boundaries. Continue to monitor him, even when you think that you can "trust" him again. This addictive behavior he has is going to take alot of hard work on his part to make changes. Hold him accountable for making a decision to get help and make changes, but do the work on yourself as well or the resentment and obsession will EAT YOU UP!

Hang in there!

Things were much easier a month ago before all this started to happen. I was blissfully unaware and, thus, felt nothing.

Pariah - I must have bought a faulty bottle, there was nothing at the bottom of this one
Kidding. I haven't had a drink in a long time and I definately won't considering what became of it.

I am in therapy - off and on - and I have an appointment scheduled soon so that will be wonderful. I can update her on all sorts of things that have happened in recent months and she can help me sort out my feelings and thoughts a bit more.

Per a plan, though, I don't have one.
I have absolutely no idea what on earth I can or should do. I really don't know. If I find he's hooked up with another woman and I leave him and take all the kids then what? I'm a Sahm and I have no job and not much for education and I definately can't support all the kids on my own.
I've gone through this before with my ex husband - he was an abuser/cheater and after just 2 years he came home to an empty house. But that was much easier, I only had 2 kids, then, now I have 4 and 2 are special needs - a very stressful and time consuming dedication.
I would prefer to kick HIM out of the house - but according to the order of protection that his ex wife filed that wouldn't be a smart idea. He threatened to kill her and I doubt he's changed much.
I'll give him credit, here - I think he does WANT to change but I don't think he can or knows HOW to change and there's nothing much else I can do. I'm finding it a bit too hard to sit through all this. Even with everything I've learned and gone through with him - even if he isn't seeing another woman I doubt that I really want to stay. This is just too much and especially if at any moment things can change.

Am I the other woman?
He didn't leave his wife for me - but he left his wife for another woman, moved in with her family, actually. Then he left that person for me, apparently.
Or, I think...there might have been another women in there somewhere, I'm not too sure about that though. I'll probably find out and it will be no surprise.
Now - I didn't really know about how involved he was with the woman he was with when we met but I do know that we met "fell in love" and married very quickly. Obviously, way too freaking quickly. We were just pathetically desperate to not be alone. Well, I was, anyway. And I'm ticked at myself for that.
3 months - that's how fast it went with us. 3 months. Meet, date, marry = three months.

Well - I'm trying to monitor him. I bought 2 cheapo VR's from Walmart but one of them eats through the batteries when it's just idle so that's frustrating - perhaps the other one that i'm using for the first time today will do better.
I suppose getting the hang of this bit is the hard part.

Though *awe* (sarcasm) last night on his way home from work he called, hopped off the phone real quick...I called back later. And today I checked his phone records and it turns out he hopped off so he could chat her up on the phone.
Ok, this is where I'm unsure of myself. It could be that the lady who answered that number when I called was the guy's (his employee that he "talks to" all the time) wife, and not the person that H talks to all the time. I don't know. Though I am noticing, now that I'm keeping a log, that he only calls this number when he's coming home from work - he's never called this number in the morning or when he's off work and home.
I have other numbers related to this person, as well, from a directory - and I find it hard to believe that a husband and wife share the same rank and that she happened to have his phone while he was working a 12hr duty and happened to answered that one time that I called. It's a cell phone - how often does someone answer someone else's cell phone with just a "hello?" ... I'm puzzled.

Brings me to my next gripe...the battery eating VR - sucks. I'm never going to be able to get their evening convos with that dang thing! Perhaps I need to get a better one...It'll take soem time but I have no doubt that this will keep going with him. I won't really miss a thing.

Looking back there have been countless signs that should have tipped me off to what he really is/was. Countless. Little jokes and comments he'd make here and there just said "abuser" "cheater" "liar" "[censored]" ... and I remember, sometimes, going "ok, that comment just reminded me of my ex husband, that was uncomfortable....*but* maybe I'm just being paranoid" .. and i'd brush it off to my nerves and emotions.
But, no, see, they're JUST alike - my ex and my husband.
JUST alike.

Julie,

Why not start going to college now, regardless of whether you and WH recover? You should be able to support yourself and not have to feel stuck because you're dependent on someone to take care of you. Also, becoming capable of supporting yourself/your children independently may just help with your self-esteem issues. I have a niece going through the same thing. I understand you're a SAHM, most colleges have on-line classes you can take. How old are your children?

Well - I took my ACT just a few days ago. Hopefully I did well. I only made the decision to go into college about a month ago so I haven't had much time to study - but I did my best.

And I decided to start going to college - even if it's just a few basic classes online to begin with - because I was already having doubts about us and whether he's really capable of continuing working...that was before this started, of course. But what I was looking at then was his constant drinking and verbal attacks and I was slowly getting to the point where I had enough...and i was getting tired of having to constantly give up things that I wanted and enjoy just because of him.

Interesting, though, that when I finally start making some plans to improve myself and my life and become more "inedependent" he does something.
Like, I honestly think he planned this out a bit - wouldn't put it past him. He realized that I was getting out from underneath him so if he [censored] around a bit then he can distract me from my goal and it won't happen.

Well - I tried to keep that from happening, I really did. Even through all of this crap I've tried to study and so on. We'll see. If I didn't score well then I'll sign up for a study course for the test and retake it asap and postpone college plans until January.

One thing that gets me - he's said a few times "I'm just too fat and ugly [to find someone else]" ... So it seems to me that he feels "stuck" with me because he's not in his prime anymore and cheating's hard to do if you're not hot to trot.
LOL - that's a satisfying fact for me. I'm taking pleasure in that. Yep, old fat and grey.

And you know, the more I think about it the more I just want to up and leave right now and be done with the inevitable.
However, curiosity kills. I want to find out what he's really up to and what he's thinking. If I'm going to leave him over all of this I don't want to be forever falsly accusing some other woman of being his sidedish.

If I do leave, though, it will be while he's at work - I'll pack up and haul [censored] and I won't actually tell him where I'm going.

Well I just had a very interesting conversation with someone.

So it seems that everything he's said and done is in no way "new" different or a sign of change.
This is playing out exactly like it has every time in the past - and, yes, it's happened far more than what I thought I figured out.

I now know a hell of a lot and this just seals the end and takes away the last sliver of hope I had. I don't think he even truly wants things to work out, actually.
All in all - what he comes down to is that if attention isn't on him 100% of the time then he does [censored] in order to get attention.

He really will do anything - even has tried committing suicide in the past - to get what he wants.

Well. All it's getting him is a bunch of misery and loneliness. Nothing good.
I guess that's what he wants.

I'm making plans to move out, soon, and in with my parents. I'll go to college and get a really good job and never look back.

No need for me to even "find" the truth if he's seeing someone. I doesn't matter, anymore. Things are over because they never truely even began. He's never been honest or truly in love with anyone in his life and never will be.
He's incapable of caring for someone other than himself.

I see that you now fully "get it". May God bless you richly as you undertake the process of rebuilding your life.

I'm sorry it's come to that. But you have to take care of yourself.

Julie,

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, especially since you had a bad 1st M. Please take the time to work on yourself and be in Self-Recovery. You deserve to find out what it is that draws in these men who abuse you. You deserve so much better!!!!

We will be here for you through it all. As you can see on this site, there is a Divorced/Divorcing area as well.

I am pro-marriage. But I believe that when an addiction is involved, it is near impossible (not totally impossible), but very difficult for the M to survive.

I am dealing with an addict myself and we are working hard through it, but I'm not sure that my M can last yet another Relapse so I completely FEEL where you are coming from and this is my 2nd M as well.

Get strong girl! You deserve it!!!

Thanks, all, for your time and support.

I feel like I'm an emotional basket case and nothing makes any sense. I have my therapy appointment in a few days and after I talk with her I'll figure out what exactly I need to do and when I need to do it.

His ex fiance I just talked to did tell me something very encouraging - that things with him "came to a end at the right time" ... she stayed away from dating for a year and a half. Not that she didn't want to date or didn't have guys asking her out but because she was determined to get to know people as friends, first. She said it was very hard for her to do that - living on her own and getting her life back together - but she manage to do it.

I just need to stay focused on getting my life going in the right direction. I can't keep letting men and relationship and my own little piddly personal and emotional needs overcome everything else.
That is my problem - I'm a relationship junkie and a sex addict. I can't "do" without both of those things and that's why I'm so willing to stay with a guy even when he's horrid...I don't want to dare to be alone.

Well whether you are a R junkie and an SA or not at least you are starting to own your own "stuff" and put a plan in place to work on it.

Just think how wonderful it will be when you get to the other end.

Did I mention the Calling All Goddesses thread in GQII? There are some wonderful ladies on that thread that are in Self Recovery.

Good luck!