AW3,

The reason I have suggested that you put your kids in counseling is due to the fallout of my own children in a really bad situation. I am seeing the suffering of thinking that they were going to be "ok" either because they were more mature than their age, smart, innocent, etc.

My counselors have suggested that it would have been better that the children were NOT involved in any of the mess and fallout of their father (as an abusive alcoholic), even if I was the one providing the Christian home and perhaps they had a right to be angry with him.

I'm just suggesting that you get counseling to avoid FUTURE problems. Personally, those future (now present) problems have caused a great deal of heartache to EVERYONE involved. They include drug and alcohol abuse from children that were otherwise healthy and happy until the mess occurred in my 1st M.

Also, I will add that having this fallout to deal with in my 2nd M with my current H has caused a probably unnecessary strain on my current M that perhaps could have been avoided had I done a better job at protecting them and paying attention to the fact that they may not really be "ok".

I'm only sharing because of living through it. You don't have to listen to what I say. Just another perspective.

JL, Please tell me what "THINGS it is that I appear to be doing?"

I can only assume from the accounts that BOTH of the children gave that she DID in fact physically and forcefully strike him. SHE even has admitted to grabbing my son by the throat!

If not for the fact that an adoption IS pending, I would have taken much legal action by now! Perhaps you missed the part about the tightrope that is to walk.

You are now judging my behavior relative to that of a woman who would walk away from all 3 of these children (one of which SHE fought the hardest to get adopted!) for a man she had only known at the time for 2 or 3 weeks! There certainly is something mental about that...or does it seem like rational behavior to you?

I have FULLY honored the visitation schedule SHE agreed to the first week she was gone. I have FORCED my children to go see her and have talked to them, at length, about how she will ALWAYS be their mother!

I am proud to say that my kids, ON THEIR OWN, have chosen to accept her (TRULY accept her)only in her proper Biblical role! She is as much responsible (maybe more) for their knowledge of the Bible as I. She has placed her job and her OM above her kids on her list of priorities. Remeber last Fri. and Sat.? I CONVINCED the children they should see her since their visit on Thurs. ended up being so short. SHE had other plans, only agreeing to the extra visits once M sternly lectured her on her lack of priorities.

I am still at home. I still spend PLENTY of time with these kids without mentioning this mess. They do know that I am their father first and can only really become their friends as adults (WE"VE always explained that to them).

Do not question my Biblical role as a father when the mother they have always knwon to be so Godly has abandoned EVERYTHING she once held dear. NO, they can't understand that! They don't have the advantage of knowing what it's like when you are deceived into thinking you are "in love!" They have to deal with her telling them that they will soon meet a man they already hate for taking away their mom (their words, not mine!).

I have been told OVER & OVER that in PLan B, I am to remain as dark as possible. I DID try to help her last week, ignoring the "Plan" and allowing myself to be drawn right back into her web! Both of my children have cell phones. Whom they choose to talk to is up to them. I will not have them resent me at this early stage for not only forcing them to see her, but also to talk to her against their wishes! I am the only stability they have left!

Believe me, I have considered your perspective! However, I can't FORCE them to feel differently about her right now. I have tacitly approved of nothing...these are just a few of the consequences for what she has done. For now, she HAS lost her children's respect and affection. It can and should be regained in time, but I'm afraid it may take a very long time indeed!

AS to the NPD. I only researched a topic someone on MB suggested I look into...just as I did bi-polar disorder and manic depression. I plainly stated that I WAS NOT diagnosing her, but the symptoms do fit and do in some part explain the lives we have BOTH led.

I am not opposed to differing opinions and Lord knows I have taken much constructive criticism here, but your comments are WAY off the mark and your delivery of them is as though you think you are MY father. I have one thanks, and so do my kids! We are ALL "Just Learning" here daily. My prayer is for wisdom and strength to not make too many foolish mistakes as I do!

Abandoned,

You say you talk with your son while he is with you, which is pretty much all of the time right now, and you don't think he needs counseling. I disagree for the reasons stated. You also said
Man I hate saying this, but I have to. You are going to allow your son to be abused so that you can adopt this little girl. That is really what you are saying isn't it? Remember I mentioning you needing the "wisdom of Soloman". Well in this case you truly do.

If you truly feel he was abused actions need to be taken. To say he is big enough to defend himself is to put him in a lose-lose situation. Defending himself against his mother will in fact harm him in ways that are hard to predict. It places a 12 year old BOY in a position of an adult. You are the adult.

You may not like what I am saying, but listen up carefully. He may be the very best 12 year old ever placed on this planet, but you are going to place him in some very very difficult places if you don't protect him. He sounds very much as if he is already trying to be an adult. Kids do that when they are uncertain of their situation. But, they don't know how.

Your W has done a terrible thing. You are trying to be "mother" and father to these poor kids. But, you have placed yourself on a tight rope of your own making. This little girl you are trying to adopt was part of a plan that included your W and you. You are trying to continue without your W and frankly you are putting your other children in bad places as you do this.

This "tightrope" as you express it, is one YOU strung yourself, it is one YOU climbed on yourself, and yes people are going to get hurt no matter what you do. Hence you need the wisdom of Soloman. I don't see evidence of other people speaking to you about this "tightrope" and what the potential for disaster it is.

Even if your son defends himself successfully against your W, he will lose. I mean lose big time. If you don't agree to your visitation agreement you might/will lose this poor baby. If you do agree to visitation at what cost will it be???

I don't understand the laws in your state or what the adoption agencies are doing, by saying your W cannot be around the baby, your W cannot contest anything, and you cannot contest anything. This prevents recovery, it prevents divorce, and frankly it seems to me to be a farce that is NOT in the best interest of the baby nor your other children. You apparently have no control over that.

But, you do have control over what happens to your other children. Your endeavor to have seemingly have it "all" with respect to the children is hard to watch Abandoned and I think it is harmful.

While I wish you the best, and I hope things work out well for you, I could not and cannot avoid a responsibility to express my opinion of this mess.

I am not your father. I am very likely older than he is. So as you can tell I am old school. I make no apologies for that, nor for stating my opinion.

AGain you really really need to spend some time in prayer and contemplation and then in deep discussions with as many people as you can trust to gather as many opinions are you can.

As you can tell I keep thinking of the story of Soloman and the women claiming a child as their own.

God Bless,

JL

JL, Please don't assume that I am just a young kid with no friends or spiritual influences in my life to "talk" to.

God is working things out in ways I can't even see. For instance, DSS called on Friday to say that WW was to have NC with the baby. I (ME) convinced them that she was capable of watching a two year old but that PERHAPS they would agree to her never having her alone. Guess what that means??? SUPERVISED VISITATION! WW agreed that she still wished to see this child and was willing to stay at her father's, sister's, or M's with her. I do realize she will tire of that quickly, but at least for now...there is progress in protecting my other kids.

I DID NOT create this tightrope!!! I DID NOT creat ANY of this mess. I spend seven weeks and hundreds of posts here trying to realize that I could not have changed what WW has done. I start Plan B and finally feel comfortable that my life is improving regardless of WHAT WW does. SHE created this entire mess, basically by turning to someone else for attention and deciding she would rather be with him than us.

I NEVER said my kids don't NEED counseling. I said I haven't found one who will see them in my area yet! I COMPLETELY agree that it would be beneficial. Know any where I live?

I'm not going to defend myself any further, but...believe me, I have spoken to DOZENS of people, whom I trust, about what is best for me to do at this time. MB is only a SMALL part of the equation. Basically, I came here to read the stories and outcomes of others who have gone through similar things. The "PLANS" just seem to make since if they are proven to be effective in the past here. Out of hundreds here and 20-30 in my personal life, you are the only one who now sees fit to blaim ME for the adoption mess. Trust me, if I do lose this child, IT WON'T BE MY FAULT!

BTW, "SOLOMON" does NOT have an A in it.

Ab, I don't hang out here much nowadays, but I've been watching your sitch unfold with increasing anxiety.

As far as I can see, no-one is questioning whether this adoption should be pursued. I have no doubt that you love this little girl very much, and desperately want to protect and look after her. But are your circumstances really in her best interests?

Yours is an unstable situation. Your biological children have been landed with an abandoning mother and apparently the threat of violence. Whether the adopted baby is allowed access to your WW or not, she is still going to be around her adopted siblings, who really can't help but be affected by what's happening to them. The shadow of all this will hang over the family for a long time.

This is not your fault, and you're doing the best you can. But it's not a question of whose fault it is - it's a question of what's best for the baby.

Removing her from a familiar household is far from ideal, and would doubtless cause emotional scars in the poor little girl's future life. But what kind of emotional scars will result from the current mess?

As it as - and as JL has pointed out - the desperate pursuit of the adoption has started you down a path of hiding information and forcing your son into threatening and unpleasant situations. This is a very dangerous route to start down, and I think you know that there will be fallout from this further down the line.

Please consider whether this adoption is really in the baby's interests.

TA

AW3,

Have you talked to a lawyer about all the adoption stuff? It just doesn't make sense that they would want to remove the child or prevent adoption because of something your WW is doing.

Just wondering if you have run it by them.

I encourage you not to get defensive, but to really listen to differing view points. You may not agree with the advice given, but it's sometimes hard to hear but necessary things to chew on.

Yes, it would be tragic for your 2 year old daughter to have to be moved to another home. I can't imagine the confusion for a poor child that age.

But I can't figure out how or why all this stuff would prevent you from adopting.

I'm sure you've looked into it, but I would encourage you to talk to lawyers who specialize in this area of law or get a second opinion.

Abandoned, it might be helpful for you to understand that when people give you advice here (even when it's not something you totally agree with) it is usually because they think they can HELP your situation.

Are you this defensive IRL when someone disagrees with you?

As far as I can tell, JL was voicing legitimate concerns. If you will look back through your thread, you will see that he's made many comments that you agree with, but now that he is not thinking 100% like you do, you appear to have instantly become angry. I realize you are under a lot of stress, but I believe you may be overreacting.

Even to the point of getting an attitude when you correct someone's spelling. FWIW, that comes across as a control issue.

I'm not trying to make matters worse, but the very nature of a discussion forum is one where people share differing opinions and ideas from their own experience. And in the case of MarriageBuilders it is not just for the fun of discussion, but to help save families.

You don't have to agree, and you obviously are not forced to take any advice whatsoever, but for your own sake, when someone comes to you in the spirit of Christian love, try to understand their motive is not to hurt you.

I agree with those about the adoption issues. Like I said in another post, take the baby out of the equasion and figure out then what you should do regarding your wife, and kids etc.

It is almost like you are in the middle of a war with a BABY as the prize you are fighting for. Well, the baby is not an OBJECT you can control.

What is the most important thing here, it is your other precious children. Also, the BABY does deserve a stable home with mother and father. You cannot ever give her that. Sadly.

Your wife has always been selfish, mentally unstable, and toxic to you and the kids and she will continue to be the way she is now and she has been in the past. She is not fit to raise her own kids much less a new baby.

You admitted you always wanted to divorce her due to her toxic personality but the timing was not right or something. Now is your chance, your opportunity to reevaluate the toxic wife's parenting and the quality of your marriage.

Looking back years at your wife's behaviors, I think you have been habitually and constantly hiding her problems from EVERYONE including the adoption agency just so you could function and look like a normal family to the world....and now so you can adopt this child. Your wife was not fit to be a good mother then...and she is not fit now!

How many people were you hiding the truth about your toxic wife from????

1. Your church?
2. Your relatives?
3. Her relatives?
4. Her friends?
5. Your friends?
6. The adoption agency?
7. Your self?
8. The kids?
9. Did you act as referee between her and the kids?
10. Who else did you hide the toxic wife from?
11. Everyone in the outside world?

The baby needs a stable two parent family as all kids do. Think of the best thing for the BABY, and your other CHILDREN.

I suspect your children already KNOW thier mother is selfish and toxic. That is why it is so easy for them to ignore her calls. They have known for years why thier family has always been stressed and dysfunctional.

Now that the toxic wife is finally and miraculously (sp?) out of the house, the kids are getting a much needed taste of normality. Finally! A breath of normal life without stress, yelling, swearing from toxic wife and mother, selfishness, walking on eggshells trying to please that impossible difficult mother, etc. The kids love their toxic mother but are... in a way..... happy...relieved that they have less stress....now that she is gone. They may not want her back on one level but want her back on another level. They love her though she is toxic and a damaging mother.

(I speak from personal experiance having had to grow up with a very toxic, damaging and mentally unstable mother myself)

The important question to ask yourself is NOT "How can I adopt this child whatever it takes ",.... but "Why did I subject myself and my precious children to this toxic wife all these years, the pain, the turmoil, the stress, the fear in the children having to walk on eggshells every day of thier lives...why did I do it to them! And why did I FOR YEARS hide the TRUTH about my unstable, selfish, and yes even the utterly toxic traits of my wife to the rest of the world!!!!"

KIR, I DO understand that and yes, JL has been helpful at times. However, I wasn't feeling the "spirit of Christian love" in his comments. I was feeling an uncalled for 2X4 where I was placed at blame for things I NEVER caused.

I have spoken with my attorney (A family law specialist) about the adoption mess. She says that she can definitely defend me in the even that WW does pull a custody dispute, but that adoptions does have the right to remove this child...even if only during the court activitities. They simply say they don't want to leave her in the midst of anything messy.? Based on what I can see, that could be MONTHS or even YEARS that she would be out of my home because of the slowness of our family courts! I also am not sure at present that I could afford the expense of a lengthy legal battle with both the state as well as WW. Sure, my family is MORE than willing to help in that regard, but I'm not really one to generally accept handouts.

JL, I do appreciate your opinions and the help you have offered in the past. But, my disagreeing with your differing opinion does not make me controling or angry. You differed with my actions, I differed with your opinion. That IS what a discussion is about, right.

I WILL continue to attempt to adopt this child. I will encourage my children to respect their mother, though it is very difficult given her behavior when she does have visits. Again, SHE is burning these bridges here, I'm just stuck trying to help repair them...and I will admit it is very difficult to feel as though I'm helping HER in any way now. I have to view it as helping my kids and their futures!

Let me add, I have very mixed feelings about what is best for the baby right now. I feel for all of you..what a tough situation! And of course ultimately, it IS your decision. All I am saying is try to be open to different persepctives as you make your decisions.

Stella, whoa...slow your roll! When have I ever said that I had always wanted to divorce my WW?

Yes, I have pointed out some of her flaws, as I'm sure she would mine if she were here. At no point have I HIDDEN anything or put up ANY fronts. Generally, WW has been well respected and a good mother. Any negatives just seem exagerated in my mind now to help explain this mess.

We all know people who have left a seemingly happy home to pursue greener pastures. I spoke with someone just yesterday that admitted they had once done the exact same thing as WW. While I do now see many things about BOTH WW and I that could be improved (and do see her narcissistic side), this is still simply a case of OM being allowed by her to take priority over anything and anyone else in her life.

It's not like SHE is fighting me to adopt this child. She is just vindictively threatening to fight for the other two thinking that will some way repair their relationship. In all likelihood, even if she does fight, she will get the same visitation schedule she has now! She will accomplish nothing but further causing their resentment and costing them their sister.

I have admitted that, ideally, this baby would have both a father AND mother. However, she has already had 2 mothers leave her now. I will not also abandon her and allow her to be placed somewhere that could be MUCH worse! Perhaps God has another woman planned for me to be with even now (though I AM NOT pursuing any!). Could it be that she, whoever SHE is, might want to adopt this child later in life? WW gave up on this adoption, I didn't. I have prayed about and counseled with many regarding her. I have an INCREDIBLE support system of family and church friends who help me constantly with her. She IS happy and at peace. Since I was ALWAYS her primary caregiver (baths, getting dressed, playing with, etc.), she really doesn't even see that much is different. She NEVER even asks for WW anymore!

I see the point of view, others have shared this, even saying how much easier it would be on me if I would let the state take her back voluntarily. In my mind, that makes me no better than WW! I WILL NOT turn my back on this child too!

I know you love the baby. The bottom line is are you ready and willing to sacrifice your marriage for the adoption of the baby?

You have to give up the marriage to adopt the child, that is what the agency is saying, right? They know your wife is unfit to raise the baby or any other kids....?

I don't know that you are walking a tightrope AW3 so much as being strung up and pulled in different directions.

I believe I understand the conflict (as much as anyone can) but I am not sure that you have really been able to step outside the emotional responses the conflict is generating within you to take a practical, unbiased view of your situation.

This adoption, you need to be willing to let the baby go if that is what the people who make the decision decide. You cannot and should not attempt to manipulate your situation to appear to be something other than what it is in order to decieve or mislead those that make these decisions. Doing this is having the exact opposite effect of what you intend on everyone involved.

You have a WW that has moved out. Recovery is not progressing, and it appears that it is at BEST a coin flip whether or not you end up divorced. Your WW's actions and statements regarding custody can not be trusted or predicted any more than her behavior regarding her marriage can be trusted or predicted. She is a wild card that simply cannot be accounted for right now. Attempting to appease, control, or manipulate her actions is not only impossible, it is irresponsible. It is highly unlikely that you will get through a divorce without a custody dispute, is it not? Delaying this dispute for the sake of the adoption might not be in your children's best interests, right? You already say that you are forcing them to spend time with a woman that emotionally and physically threatens them. That is not something a non-conflicted father in your situation WOULD DO if it were not for the adoption. By not acting on your responsibilities to protect your children from thier mother, by avoiding taking action that a reasonable parent would take, you are risking quite a bit I think. You are risking the custody of your children in an eventual divorce, and you are risking the adoption process as it will presumably be viewed very negatively should the adoption authorities discover or percieve deception on your part. Right?

You have two biological children that are legally your responsibility. You may FEEL the same way about your potential adoptive daughter as you do your other children. FEELING that way does not make thier status in your life the same. They are NOT the same because THEY ARE NOT THE SAME. You have a responsibility toward your children that you do NOT have, CAN NOT HAVE toward your adoptive daughter. You WANT that same responsibility for her that you have for them. WANTING it is not having it. Your priorities, from the outside looking in, are very very clear.

You should not allow your desired responsibilities towards your adoptive daughter conflict with your ACTUAL responsibilities toward your biological children. Doing so will in the end only harm all three children. IF protecting your legal children to the best of your ability risks the status of your adoption, that is the price you have to be willing to pay. You OWE your children that. One thing I believe, although I recognize it does not always bring about the results we WANT, is that acting from the truth, acting from integrity, will bring about the best results. As you quibble with yourself, as you try to walk this tight rope, what you are really doing is compromising yourself because you are trying to achieve two POSSIBLY conflicting goals. You do NOT KNOW what is going to happen, with your marriage, with your wife, with your children, with the adoption. There are so many variables in play that the ONLY thing you can do is your best. You have to be honest, with yourself, with your children, and with those that get to make decisions outside your control. That is the ONLY way you will get to look back on this and know that no matter what happens, you did YOUR best to achieve the best outcome.

I wish you luck AW3. Your situation is NOT the norm, but it is also NOT unique. Your complications with the adoption are preventing you from acting in your own and your children's best interests at the time when they need you the most. You have to let go of what you cannot control and be most effective in those things that you can.

Good for you. The ideal solution to this whole ordeal is that your wife falls on her knees in repentence (and turns from her ways) to God and then to you and her kids. But even if she does this, what she has done will be remembered and judged by her children for the rest of her life. There can be forgiveness and healing but it's a very hard road. I know, I'm living it now.

As for your situation RIGHT NOW TODAY... when do you start trusting God to take care of this situation? Protecting your WS to the detriment of your children in order to facilitate the adoption is playing with fire. Tell the truth. Do what you would do normally in a situation of suspected abuse. Let God take care of the rest. You do trust Him, right?

I don't think being a single dad is a bad thing. Apparently adoptions agrees and THEY are the professionals when it comes to these matters. And you're right, if things don't work out with their mom, who IS to say that God won't send you someone who WILL be a good mother to ALL of your children?

ab,

What makes MB great are the people here. Almost all of who want to help others.

The folks who do the best here spend more time asking questions than they do defending themselves.

Plan B is a great time to re-evaluate things about your life and about yourself.

B/c you have removed your WW as the main focus in your life there is an empty void just waiting to be filled.

Fill it w/ you.

Instead of wondering about what makes WW tick, wonder about what makes you tick.

What was it about JL's posts that struck such a nerve w/ you?

Sometimes Christians can lose their perspective. They put their trust too much in their own works rather than the works of Christ. Often this will show itself as defensiveness. It is easier to be open to criticism when you have your trust in the proper place.

I have no idea if this is true for you. I am just throwing it out there for you to consider.

W/ regards to your children and their mother. Think about what Christ would consider is a respectful way for a child to treat a parent. And insist that your children do that.

I'm sure it wouldn't include their giving approval for their mother's wrong doing, but I do think it would include replying to their mother's non-abusive communications.

Great post, Tyk.

Haven't been around much, but wanted to put in a few thoughts.

Having your children not answer their mother's calls and texts is teaching them to be manipulative, no matter what the reason. It will profoundly affect who they become and what their core beliefs are. I realize you're in Plan B - but they are not. No matter how mad or hurt they are, teaching them to avoid the situation, or control it to their benefit, is disrespectful to everyone - themselves, you, their mother. A child needs to learn that he will face unpleasant events; what builds his character is how he learns to deal with unpleasantness. Punishing her for hurting them will teach them to do the same to others when they grow up, instead of facing the person and dealing with them honestly. If you have to, find a family member or friend who can help your kids negotiate with their mother so you can stay in Plan B. It will teach them to have character.

I think you're doing a great job with them otherwise. Are you having them write in a journal or draw art? It would help. It's what therapists do.

I do think that you need to be careful not to parentify them, especially your son. Boys tend to need to prove themselves at that age, and may be making decisions more to that than true feelings. And they do not need to know adult goings on and decisions. If you give them only the basic facts, they will be satisfied, and probably relieved. Don't turn to them for your needs, but continue to be the steadfast father; don't make them grow up too early. Hope that makes sense.

Finally, I completely understand you wanting to adopt your little girl. You love her. You all do. However, if you truly do love her, you will make decisions for her benefit that may not give YOU what you want. If it turns out that your W will be staying in your life without seeking serious mental help, or that your family will be in any way dysfunctional (anger, threats, manipulation, etc.), I hope you will distance yourself enough from the equation to be able to make a hard decision that will be in the baby's best interests but not necessarily yours. In other words, if you love her, it is always possible that HER life will be better in a different family with two parents, a family that can't have kids and desperately wants a beautiful little girl to raise as their own daughter. I understand that's hard to see from where you are, but true love - not selfish love - should enable you to be objective and honest with yourself.

Think of a teenage girl who gets pregnant. She says she 'loves' her baby. But if she truly did love that baby, she'd consider letting it be adopted into a fabulous family who want nothing more in life than to be there for a child, rather than growing up with a 15 year old mom who drops out of school and lives in a dump the rest of her life and becomes angry about the life she planned but lost, all because of that baby she's stuck raising. I'm not saying you won't be a great father. I'm saying that only you can know the truth about your situation and whether her growing up in your family might be stressful and dysfunctional for her. Just something to think about.

NOT being defensive here, just explaining a few of your misconceptions...

At the local level, DSS and the child's Guardian-ad-litem are FULLY aware of the powder keg that is WW. In fact they are the one's advising me now on how to best achieve this adoption. It is the State agency, which is much more distant and difficult to communicate with, that is setting the ground rules here. I do have a face to face meeting scheduled with two state officials in my home next Thursady. I DO NOT plan to be dishonest. I will tell them of WW's threats to ruin this adoption out of spite because she has lost the admiration of her other two children. These two officials have worked with WW on this adoption for over a year...they are just as shocked that she has done this as anyone! But, they also know that this is the child's home and have seen the two of us together during previous visits (WW was always at work). They know the bond between us and know I can care for her.

I get the impression you guys think I'm trying to manipulate this agency. I am not. I pray the adoption will go through, but I realize it is at risk and that I will have to accept if she is removed. I just know her older brother and sister will not accept it and will blame WW...causing them hate for her where now they just don't respect her anymore. I am thinking of them too in all of this. They will possibly be more devestated than me if she is no longer here!

My attorney knows WW. The Guardian-ad-litem knows WW. WW's attorney knows us all and eats lunch with the other two parties regularly. Even WW's attorney knows what is at stake and has said she will discourage WW from doing anything to jeopardize this adoption. It's a small town, we ALL know each other. I think that they are so shocked at what she has done that they still expect her to become repentent and wish for R. Maybe that's why they haven't pushed me to file anything!

R right now is a coin-toss. I still believe in my heart that WW cannot continue as she has been. I could be wrong, she may be so deceived in her A and its fog that she never wakes up. I'm not here pining away for her. I am improving myself and my own life. I am preparing for life without her. I would rather be surprised if she wishes for R than disappointed that she doesn't!

I'll cross the bridge with Adoptions if I come to it regarding any R. I could even see where her living elsewhere, without the A, could possibly be beneficial. The Guardian agrees that WW should not be prevented from returning home due to this adoption. She even advised me to just wait for finalization before allowing her to return if she ever wishes and I choose to do that. Right now, that's not my concern. There is no progress towards R, so I will assume I will be a single father and not worry about possibilities!

We base our perceptions on your posts AW3, they are all we know of you.

I would be curious to know how your attorney would answer this question, should you be willing to ask it:

"If I were not involved in this adoption, and all other things were the same, what would you be advising me to do?"

Yeah TYK, I actually did ask that.

She feels that we couldn't prove the physical attacks unless they become more obvious or she actually leaves a mark.

Her advice has been to keep my money (she hasn't accepted a dime from me) and wait on WW to file first. Then, we can see what she is asking for and counter it. No sense in us asking for the world only to casue her to counter that out of spite!

Again, remember, the lawyer does know WW, she cannot believe this is happening to us of all people! The first question she asks me every time we speak is, "Does she want to come home yet? Has she woken up?"

Coincidentally, my attorney is also representing DSS in the Termination of Parental Rights case for the baby's birth mother. This allows me deeper insight into that side of this.

EVERYONE knows that this is NOT the woman WW has been. Maybe this is who she really is....maybe the past has ALL been a huge front from her, but not from me! The entire town and our 700+ member church are all just waiting for her to repent and turn from her sin. She may never, but that's what everyone (including my attorney) is expecting. Actually, I think WW knows this and is refusing to do that which she knows is right only out of rebellion.