hey everyone! i just discovered this forum tonight but have been reading on the website off and on for a couple of days. I just had another round with my husband and finally decided it was time to break down and write about what i was feeling to try to figure out what the heck to do. My husband and i have been together for about 5 years. I have a young child from my previous marriage. He and my son get along really well, that is not the problem. He has become increasingly more controlling ever since i quit my job (bad situation) and he basically insisted i just stay home with my child. He hasn't wanted me to return to work, even when i've told him i've wanted to. I was so grateful to get to stay home with him and develop that bond that i missed out on by working the hours i used to work. But that has come with a price.
To hear him talk to others about us, he's the best, most appreciative husband in the world. But i feel as though he wont be happy until i've cut everyone out of my life, including my family, except for a few people that he chooses. the moment i'm doing something that isn't absolutely strictly for his benefit, i get the guilt trip about "all he's done for me". I have not been perfect in this marriage by any means, there have been times when i know i've taken him for granted and that was wrong, times when i've spent more time with family than i should. (he and his family aren't especially close) It just seems to be getting worse and worse. Now we are preparing for a job related move, and what is scaring the heck out of me that we are going somewhere we wont know hardly anyone, and that this controlling crap will continue.
He absolutely won't go to counseling, because he doesn't have a problem, i tried to talk to him about it tonight. Everything that ever happens in his life is ALWAYS someone else's fault. It just turned into the same standstill conversation, and i end up sometimes apologizing when in my mind i'm thinking i resent him so much, and that he shows the exact same tendancies that he claims to be mad at my family and other people for. (our circle just gets smaller and smaller all the time it seems) I don't give up real easy on people, i tend to be of the mindset if you never speak to anyone again that you have words with, that eventually you'll have no one to talk to. he gives up on them too easy, i think, if they don't agree with him.
Anyway, i know i got a little longwinded there, i tried not to get too caught up in details, yet get my situation across. I feel alot better just knowing i vented! I have confided recently in a friend about how it's been, but somehow it's different when you write it all down. I'm trying to figure out if i'm the problem, or if it's him, or if just neither of us is using our heads. I want to save my marriage, i want to grow old with my husband whom i love, and insight from you folks would be greatly apreciated, and i will continue to read the articles on this sight! thanks in advance

First off, stop apologizing to him. That is the path to being an abuse victim. Assuming you are telling the truth - as we don't have his side of the story - you are already on that path. I have highlighted all the 'abuse signals' in your post. Please read the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Bancroft. Please read it to determine if you are indeed in an abusive, or potentially abusive situation. No matter what, stop apologizing and DON'T agree to anything that you are not comfortable with. It's a slippery slope and once you start thinking it may be YOU that's the problem - which is the abuser's intention - you may never climb out of it.

You can make it work, but only if you stop giving up what you want to please him. That is exactly what controlling people want - for you to give in cos it's easier. Find some threads over on Emotional Needs by youngandlearning to see what someone who has lost all their faith in themself goes through to try to get away from an abuser.

Again, he may not be; you may indeed be causing problems. But is sure sounds like heis; only you will know. But please read the book, look for the signals I've highlighted in your post in the book. And start standing up for what you need. And get a job so you can start saving money in a separate account for an emergency.

New here,

I have been married nearly 14 years and am just learning the verbal signals of a controlling person. I blamed myself or struck out in anger when the resentment got too much, feeling very much the victim. But yesterday on a different site I read of the same book that the previous poster mentioned and ordered thru the library. So really just wanted to let you know it appears to be a solid reference for what we are experiencing.

Realize I'm no expert and I have major issues myself and not knowing your full situation or his side it seems he was something like me. I learned how to control and manipulate my wife all the while thinking she was happy and we were just going thru phases. I don't know if he truly realizes what hes doing (I somehow didn't see the light till a few months ago and then it was too late to save my marriage) but first off I would put a stop to it in a loving way. This might take time to get thru to him and he could either get more or he could get less controlling it depends on everything that has and is going on. You have to firmly let him know that if it continues then your marriage is in jeopardy. I only wish I was still at the point he is and knew at that time what I know now.