I am reposting in this forum per the advice I receive when I first posted it (in the incorrect forum). Likely because I am not convinced she is having an affair - or perhaps because I am blinded by the hope that she is not....


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Hello everyone. I've been reading this site for the last couple of days, and have decided to post. My story goes as follows.

Wife and I are highschool sweethearts, we began dating 15 years ago. We've been married now for 7 years, we have 2 small children, both under 4. As far as marriages go, I would say we have had a fairly solid one. Sure, we've had our issues - but nothing I would consider major.

A few weeks ago, she began acting strange - distant. She started to talk about how she was board, and wanted to be out with friends etc....Being the supportive husband I am, I told her she was free to go out whenever she pleased. We recently moved to a new home, closer to the city and closer to friends. I just chalked this up to her hitting her 30's, and thought it may be hitting her a little bit. She's recently started smoking again.

Over the last couple of weeks, a few things have occurred. She began to go out occasionally with friends (mostly single ones....), which is completely fine with me. However, when she is at home with me - she seems depressed and distant. The first time I brought this up is when things rocked me. She proceeded to tell me that she is completely unhappy, and feels trapped in her life. Let me summarize some of what she's said:

- "Loves me, but is not in love with me - hasn't been for a long time."
- Unhappy, trapped and is worried that if she goes on any longer, it will be too late.
- 15 years of her life wasted with me
- Can't spend the rest of her life this way.
- She would be happier without me.
- Wants her own life, with her own things, making her own decisions.

Now, I love my wife more than life itself. Suffice to say, I did not take these things well. I think the biggest kick in the a$$, is that when I tried to begin probing into her feelings and talking about how we can work on some of these issues, she flat out told me she just did not want to try and work it out. Things are rather uncomfortable right now, for a few days we did not really talk much. She has no desire to hang out with me, talk with me, show affection or make love. I went through an initial period after this of feeling very angry and sad, and was not really helping to save the marriage. Then I found this site. I am still very disturbed, but at least when I go home from work - I am thinking very much about her emotional needs and stimulating conversation. Through this process, I've been able to self-identify what I think many of the reasons this is happening are, and trying to actively address them.

I've completly broken down a few times when I've tried to instigate a discussion around what is going on - where as she does not show even an ounce of emotion. This is where I feel that there is something wrong with all of it. She is not a cold or uncaring person, but she is acting like it now. 15 years with a person, marriage, 2 children - and not even so much as a tear when discussing leaving it all? Things before this were not bad, we made love regularly - and connected (although in hind site, I neglected many of her needs regularly..). I just can't bare to lose her, I love her too much. Is this really ending?

She did mention the other day, that she knew the way she was feeling was not right, and that she thought she may see someone for help. I asked if she wanted to go to marriage counseling, but she said no - the issues were her's to deal with. She has not made a decision if she wants us to split up or try to work it out - however IMO she leaning towards splitting up.

Lately, she has been spending more time with "newer" friends that she works with. These include 2 women, who both recently split up with their spouses - and 1 single guy that she really gets along with. I don't think these "friends" are helping my situation very much to say the least. I also have my suspicions about this guy. I've heard that they spend much time together at work, and whenever she goes out for a drink he is around... I was also forwarded an email from someone looking out for me - where she sent him early one morning "wishing him a wonderful day". Possible emotional affair? I brought it up, and she denied it - but with a large lack of effort in denying it. Give her current state of feelings towards me, she doesn't have much motivation to deny it.... I don't want to push it with her, it may be the push that goes over the edge. I guess all I have are supsicions at this point, nothing concreate.

I'm afraid, very afraid. I have not really slept properly in weeks now. I appreciate any support and guidance anyone may have.

Thanks.

Joel

I would check out her cell phone bill and see if she is constantly talking to this other man. Also put a keylogger on your computer and see if you can intercept emails. Sounds like an affair with HIM.

Almost a carbon copy of what I went through with my W...before, and during her EA/PA with POS OM.

I hope to Christ your marriage isn't going to end up like mine and my W's, but all the signs point to something either happening between your W and a possible OM, or she is well on her way to finding that certain OM. I hate to scare you, but I wish someone would have scared me a little before it got out of hand. It may not be too late for you to stop this thing before it gets out of control...so, you need to act NOW !!!

Allow me to put my hand up here as well.

Your W is having an A with that OM. Maybe it's just an EA at the moment. Maybe it's reached as far as a PA.

You need to investigate and find out the truth, and you're likely not going to get that from your WW.

Scope,

""I'm afraid, very afraid.""

It's good you are afraid. I believe you have every right to be.

Time to get very pro-active!!

Read up on plan A and DO IT. Be the best husband you can be, fill her love bank to over-flowing.

Don't be sad and mopey. Try to be upbeat and positive. No more breaking down. Try to lay off the constant relationship talk.

At the same time snoop, snoop, and snoop some more. I take it she is a stay at home mom? How is she able to go off with her friends to knock down a few? Two newly single friends and a single guy tag along are not the best folks for her to be hanging with. Can you not set a boundary there somehow?? Are these new friends or did she grow up with them?

You cannot be so accommodating. Tell her NO MORE partying with the single crowd! If she asks why, tell her the many obvious reasons!!

You be so busy that you can't baby sit the kids while she goes out to party!!

OR get a baby sitter and you two go out and enjoy the evening. How many dates have you two had lately? This is all part of a good plan A. Dr. Harley also says to spend a quality 15 hours a week together. And not just in front of the TV.

Does the timing of the move coincide with the revelation "that she is completely unhappy, and feels trapped in her life."?

New house, new neighbors, new set of chores fixing up the house like you want it? Was she all for finding a new house and the move? Could she be over-whelmed with all of this AND THE 2 KIDS UNDER 4? Sounds like alot to cope with. How long since the last baby?

To answer your question NO IT'S NOT REALLY OVER. Not even close.
Communication is probably high up on the EN list.

I asked if she wanted to go to marriage counseling, but she said no - the issues were her's to deal with.

Suggest that you both should do the EN questionnaire. This can be the start of a self-help program for you.

IMHO

kirk

Wow, what a dose of reality this is. Thanks everyone.

I woke up this morning thinking my wife just does not want me anymore, and now that's turned into a suspected affair. I am now in snoop mode.

Kirk, thanks for the advice. To answer some of your questions:

- She is not a stay at home mom, our youngest is 2. In fact the OM I referred to works with/for her.

- The frieds are new. Although she's known them for quite some time at work (couple years), it's only recently that she is beginning to see them outside of work. I'm a little afraid to attempt to set boundries with the type of friends she is seeing, as this would surely be interpreted by her as me trying to control her "trapped" life once again.

- The move was her idea, she wanted to be closer to the city, closer to shopping/friends/family etc....

- The 15 hours a week (and Plan A), and dates etc...will be tough. She does not even want to attempt to work on our marriage right now.

I'll be reading as much as I can on Plan A, and trying to fill the bank.

Thanks everyone.

That's really bad news. Basically, the OM is now spending MORE time than you probably are with your WW, that's not likely to change until one of them changes jobs.

I think you'll REALLY need to snoop now to find out if anything inappropriate is going on between them, and run interference if any out-of-office activities are planned.

I suspect BTW that the "seeing them outside work" thing is an excuse for her to see the OM outside of work. My FWW used that on me at least once - telling me that she was going to a restaurant with to have a few drinks with some "friends from the office": turned out that it was really just one "friend from the office" - the OM. She was actually brazen enough to get him to drop her off afterwards at another location where I was meeting a few friends at the time, I guess trying to get me to believe he was such a wonderful guy (puke) for giving her a lift. Well, I guess that was not as brazen as the time she was scr*wing him in the office while I waited for her outside, but I'm just telling you this to let you know that if your W truly is a WW, you shouldn't believe anything she tells you at the moment - she will offer up any lie or excuse in order to continue her A - it's that addictive.

BTW - as we're trying to recover our M, - meeting up with "friends from the office" after work is simply off limits unless we are both initially invited AND we are both comfortable with whatever decision we make regarding if we both go, if one of us goes and the other stays, etc..