Hello, all, first-time poster here. I'll try to give some background as succinctly as possible. My wife and I have been married 17 years, with two teenage kids, 13 and 15. Over the past several years things have been growing more distant between us. Partly because of financial difficulties, and lots of other stuff on our plates, I've become more and more cut off from her during this time. My bad, I get it.

Half a year ago, my wife told me that she was bottoming out emotionally, and if I couldn't figure out how to reconnect with her, she would become open to someone else doing so. We should have run straight to counseling right then and there, but again, my bad, unfortunately I just procrastinated thinking she was just being "moody." Dumb.

Around the first of the year, I found a new, unknown (to me) cell phone in my wife's jacket pocket; in reality this phone was my entry ticket to He11. Since that time, I've become aware that she's involved with another man romantically, if not physically, and that at this point, the only thing keeping us together is our kids. We did start counseling almost immediately back in January once I woke up to what was happening.

Since we started counseling, I've been trying to figure out whether she's there because she truly believes we have a chance, or whether she's perhaps "following a process" that will let her exit the marriage being able to assure herself that she did everything possible to save it. Or, maybe she's already decided to stay with me, but needs to make the process work as well as it can to help me reconnect with her.

I, on the other hand, am of two minds about what to do now. On the one hand, I'm thinking about Bowen family dynamics theory which says that you can't interfere with another's relationship with a third party, and that doing so will only drive the one you care about farther away. On the other hand, is the Plan A/Plan B approach of this forum (and many others) that essentially takes a zero tolerance approach.

I've tried to communicate my hurt and shame to my wife, and suggested that her relationship with the other guy needs to end if we're to have any real chance in counseling. Her response is that I need to focus on the things that caused her to move away from me in the first place, work on fixing them, and hope that she'll once again gravitate back to our home and to me.

So, the question is, is it time for a firm Plan A/Plan B approach? Or should I try to keep going, knowing that her love for the other guy is continuing? How do you all feel about drawing this line in the sand? Will it blow things up, or set things right?

And for any marathoners out there, this is feeling just like mile 22. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So she's telling you 'if you just try harder, give me more, be...better, I MAY start liking you again'? Yeah, I don't see how that's gonna work. Where is her hand in all of this? You're making it sound like you put her hand in his and said 'go ahead.' That's BS. She's cake eating; why should she change?

I've seen too many cases here of Plan A/Plan B working to think it won't work for you. Expose the affair. She'll be mad; so what? She's doing the ultimate wrong and needs to step up and make up for it. But she won't, as long as you let her eat cake. JMO.

Your marriage doesn't have a chance while she is still in contact with OM RunFYL.

Your goal needs to be busting up this A while implementing Plan A. Have you exposed the A to anyone? What do you know about OM?

You may want to copy and paste your post into a new thread in General Questions II, it will get more views there.

Tyk,

I know exactly who the OM is. In fact, something pretty amazing happened two days ago. I ran into them parked behind a car wash in our area! My immediate reaction was to drive off, fume, and think what I should do with this info? Conceal it for a later confrontation? Take it in stride?

Then, I turned around, drove right back, parked, and walked up to the two of them. The OM is actually a nice guy that I already know, and I came up to the two of them and said, we should all go somewhere for a cup of coffee.

They agreed, so we sat down for a short bit and talked. Basically I was in a listening mode, and most of what I got was "tell 'em what they want to hear" and gaslighting. I've asked my WW to contact him and set up another meeting at which I'll tell them that their A is officially not secret anymore, to me or the world. Stuff like that. They need to stop lying about this and feel shame for their actions.

NOT quite plan A, but kind of a pre-Plan A alignment.

Make sense?

Did your wife actually admit to an A? What was their reaction to you finding them together?

I think buddying up to OM is a mistake. It is time to cut his legs out from under him. OM is NOT a "nice guy", he is a mortal enemy and I think you would do good to realize that, pronto.

There is no reason to meet to negotiate with this POS. He has already shown he does not have integrity or honor, so you cannot trust anything he might say anyhow. Conversing with him is validating to him and your WW, there's no reason to subject yourself to him. Don't "tell them" thier A isn't a secret. SHOW them that it isn't a secret and force them to function in reality. That is done through exposure.

Is he married? How does he know your WW? Do they work together? Read up about exposure, make a list of everyone you think might be able to apply pressure on the A. Your family, WW's family, employers, and ESPECIALLY OM's family. Many here advocate a "scorched earth" exposure, I don't necessarily. I think you should develop a plan and selectively expose to those you think will be most effective in bringing about an end to the A.

Do NOT tell your WW anything about exposure. Do not threaten her with it or give any indication that you intend to do this. This just gives WSs a chance to paint you as crazy, jealous, overreacting spouse.

WW's still on the fence about admitting. One night last week, she did admit it, but two days later took a harsher denial approach. Seems to me like she's really grappling with the guilt of it all.

When I approached the two of them, the OM actually smiled kind of sadly and simply said "sorry, Steve." His response was more honest than my WW's - she tried to concoct a story about how she needed a jump start, had battery cables out, LOL! I'm glad to say that I've retained my sanity amidst this painful situation by increasing my emotional distance from it - something I understand we must do to effectively implement Plan A. Seeing the comical nature of their efforts to cover things up has actually led me to feel like the stronger, rather than weaker, between us.

Tyk,

All points well taken. My only goal in seeing him is to look him in the eye, and let him know that the secrecy is over. Personally I feel that it has been demeaning to have the conspiracy aspect so much a part of their relationship. I'm taking that away from them.

There's a great line from the movie Barry Lyndon: "Come, sir...I'm a man who would rather be known as a cuckold than a fool!" There's no negotiation here, no buddying-up. This is about redefining my role, letting them both know that the lying is overwith, and setting the stage for what's going to happen next.

Can Someone Help Me?

I have been married for 11 years. The problem that I am having with my husband is that he talks and texts other ladies on his phone. Now I know the type of person he is. He loves people and communicates all the time to family and friends. I have told him that it bothers me and he said that he would deal with it. Here is my bigger problem. I have access to his personal email account, and I have seen some of the things that he has written to other women. Should I approach him with this or what? If I do I feel that it will be a BIG problem. But I can't stand the fact that he is trying to hook up with other women.