One thing I have noticed in a more than a few A's here is the influence of single friends on the WS.

In general, it seems that they will encourage the WS to do things to "become" single. Yet, much of the time, the single friend's seem to be trying very hard to get themselves into a committed relationship.

As an example, I have seen situations where the single friend complains about how unhappy they are at not having a steady relationship, yet encourages the WS to jump right in to the same plight and divorce their BH.

I don't really understand why WS's seem to listen to much of what the friends say, rather than observe what they are doing. I also don't understand why the friends seem so compelled to praise the virtues of single life, while knowing full well it is not making them happy.

Anybody else seen this dynamic. Any thoughts on why it is?

The grass is greener on the other side???

I don't really know. The OW in my sitch was also married. Neither she nor WstbxH hung out with single friends. WstbxH never had any of his own friends - all mine or couples. Interestingly, the couple OW and OWH used to hang around with now hang around with me, even though they knew WstbxH beforehand. Also, all of OW's family except one sister still hangs around with OWH. They are all married as well.

IMHO that is why once you are married you should not have "single" friends.

Probably too late for you to tell that to my W, eh? Where was this site 5 months ago lol.

As best as I can figure

1 - Misery loves company (I don't have anybody so I don't want you to have anybody so you can pre-occupy me.)

2 - The AP is in the friend's click (If you are with the AP then we can still party together and you can still pre-occupy me because WS becomes the free babysitter)

This is pretty much what happened to me

OM was part of a party click at EXWW's school, yes I said school, teachers can be some pretty ferocious party animals. OM was the draw to get EXWW to party with the click. She was the only one married.

I guess because i have ALWAYS had such strong personal boudaries regarding protecting my M, i just find it strange that people still go out with their "single" friends once they are married.

IMHO that should be a boundary put into place in all marriages from the beginning.

Me and my H have always just hung out with couples (until the A of course, the OW was single but she was the one who befriended him, he just took the bait).

Man, it's so strange how every story here is so friggin' familiar, isn't it?

I don't think this is quite fair in all situations. When you are young, you have your friends and you are all single. One or another of you will get married first - does that mean you drop all of your lifelong friends until they also get married? What if they never do?

I think where it is different is when you make new friends after being married. It's not necessarily that hard to do - could be a new job or new hobby or something. I once played women's soccer and made all kinds of friends. We used to go for beer after the game every Friday. This would last about an hour and the married women would go home and the singles would go out dancing or something. I never felt it was wrong to have a beer with these single girls after the game, but I would have felt wrong to go dancing with them later.

I think it works the same way in reverse too. Married people, even, or perhaps even most especially unhappily married people, often encourage thier single friends to "settle down". Asking after each date "so when's the big day" etc. etc.

I think its somewhat of a tendency for people to assume that whatever particular state they are in is "superior". In some way they have to because that feeling justifies them being in that state.

Well that is what i did. When my H and i first started dating we spent all of our time together so i did not have time for my "single" friends anyway because i wanted to spend my time with him not them.

And i do not hang out with my co-workers outside of work. And my H played on a softball team for as long as i can remember, but i always went to his games and we ALL would go out and have a beer (i did not have a beer because i do not drink but i joined them) after the game.

But to hang out and do things it has always been couples ONLY or just us and our kids.

Thanks for the responses. I agree with much of what was posted, but still personally find it troubling.

I don't necessarily agree with this...My closest friend here is single...She is a recovering alcoholic, so she and I would NEVER be going out to bars together...(Married people have no business in bars without their spouses, imo)...We do go shopping together occasionally...We go to a Women's Bible Study together and sometimes lunch afterwards...We are very positive influences on each other...She knows about my affair and knows how sorry that I am and just what my marriage means to me...She respects our marriage very much...

During the affair, my "best friend" from childhood was also married...She encouraged my affair...Had one of her own too...We are no longer friends...

Mrs. W

Well i do see your point here.

I just really am an odd person, i do not have any friends really except my H that i hang out with. We have always just done things together.

Like we used to be in a card club together with 3 other couples, and on weekends we would do things with those same couples, all of us with all of our children.

Since our kids have gotten older we have done a lot with them, so i am busy all the time but it is just always with my family.

Me and my daughters do the shopping trips and lunch and things like that. My H and our son do the guy stuff together (even though i join them for a lot of that too because i like it).

We are different i know, we certainly have always been able to do the 15 hours a week thing. If it was not for work we probably would not spend 15 hours a week apart from one another.

LOL Tabby!
That was exactly what I thought when I read the original post.

Yeah from all of the "fertilizer!!!"

Charlotte

LOL, DM...

Rprynne...

Misery loves company- yes, absolutely! I went through the same thing with my XBF of 10 years. She had been married a couple times off and on throughout our friendship, and she was a "friend" to my DH as well....or so we thought. She couldn't keep a relationship to save her life and she was a loon. But she was my smokin' buddy and was always at my house. I rarely went over to her place or out to bars with her- until after the A. Then I was over there all the time so that I could discuss everything without W2S hearing me. It was one of the things that clued him in that something was very wrong. She also started acting weird towards him. When we would go out, she would drink too much and her mantra of "I am woman, hear me roar...I don't need no MAN...your husband is trying to control you...this is about his ego"...and on and on, was replaced with (crying) "You should be happy you have someone to go home to that loves you" and all of that.

Misery loves company...they want the WS to be single because it is RARE to find someone who can be TRULY happy for you for having something that they wish they had themselves. Sad, but true.

On another note, I just wanted to tell you that your posts are fantastic! I mean, I have always read your posts, but the last few weeks they have been phenomenal. Especially on the "Calling all BH's" thread, TrytoHard's thread, and then the one I read last night about "The one who loves the least has the most control." WOW! Just W-O-W!!

I see a different dynamic. I don’t think the issue is whether the "friend" is single or married, as others have demonstrated it can be either. But I do see a trend of WW's being influenced, or perhaps just being perceived to be influenced by a "friend".

I don’t see that with the WH's. They act alone and rarely do I see a BW on here complaining about a friend influencing the WH in his adultery.

So what is really happening here? Are woman more susceptible to the influence of others? Or could it be that women, more so than men, need someone to validate their behavior and find the most reprehensible of their friends, whether married or unmarried, to provide that support.

More importantly, how does understanding this dynamic help anyone? Here's how IMO, I see a lot of BH's on here trying to figure out how to get their WW away from the toxic influence of their A-cheeleading friends. I think this is pretty much a waste of energy while an A is ongoing. The WW will not give up thier toxic friends or will find new toxic friends to support their filth.

The best a BH can do is find a more productive use for his energy.

May I ask what you think about this friend now? Do you feel she was someone you should not have ever been friends with?


This is what I was talking about. I sort of had some answers (misery loves company, etc.) as to why the friend may advise this way, I just am still perplexed on why it has so much influence. Didn't this seem like mixed messages from your friend?


Thank you, this is very kind. I have followed your Inside a Wayward Mind thread and think you are doing a great thing. Both you and Mrs W are posting about things that I would guess is very hard to post about. That is extremely rare and highly admirable.

I hope you guys get as much as I do from trying to give a little help.


This is an insight I had missed. I will have to ponder that a little.


I agree it is a different dynamic with an ongoing A. But for me it also has some other important reasons. I have found that after going through this, I have sort of reconciled why my FWW did what she did and how I feel about that. Lately my thoughts have been turning to other people who played a role in what happened. How do I feel about my FWW's friends? Were they just the wrong kind of people or are all people like this? How does that impact how I feel about her friends going forward? I also have similar questions about my in laws.

Yes, it did. And less than a week later, I broke off the friendship. I remember thinking to myself (when she started crying and saying the exact OPPOSITE of what she usually spouted) "What am I doing here with YOU on a Saturday night at 1:30am...I should be home with my husband!" It was a BIG turning point for me. It was like once she was drunk and vulnerable, she admitted how lonely she was...not nearly as tough as she acted, and envious of my M. I also remember in the midst of the A, her saying something to the extent of "Wow, I never thought you and DH would go through something like this. I guess that shows that even the perfect M can be hard!"

She had very few friends, and was always broke, so I was someone she almost HAD to appease to ensure I stayed in her life. She depended on me for money, friendship, etc...Maybe that's why she spent so much time validating my ignorance?? Dunno.

She recently called me after not having spoken to her in over 8 months...she has lost her job, lost her little boy to her XH, declared bankruptcy, was about to have her utilities shut off and her house taken away. She cried almost the entire conversation and kept saying "What did I do so wrong in my life to deserve all of this??" I could go on for hours answering that question. She was downright psycho to her XH, her kids (she has one older daughter who got pregnant at 16 and just had the baby 4 weeks pre-mature--none of which I knew about until this convo), and her family. She would smart off to everyone including her bosses at work and was fired for insubordination after they put up with it for over 8 years, and on and on...

And she wondered WHY!!!!!!

Seriously???

All I could think of is- Gee, so sorry I missed all THAT drama! SHEESH!!

I haven't spoken to her since.

Entitlement and denial are a B!TCH!!!!

I think many single people act the way they do because they are ignorant when it comes to infidelity, just like the rest of society.

They think things like, "It's just a one-night stand. Casual sex never hurt anyone...live a little!"

They either have no clue what they are talking about, or they are completely devoid of any character, integrity, or empathy.

Either way, they really have no business "partying" with married people.

Even before an A, letting your spouse party with singles is like letting your teenage child hang out with crackheads.

In most cases, it's only a matter of time...