Hi.. I'm new here. Have been lurking for a few months but never registered or posted before. I have a question for those women whose WH have fathered OC and have NC.. If there is NC does that mean there is no support (financial) either for that OC? Or are there WH out there who support but have NC? If so, how does that work out for you both?

A little background on myself. I am pregnant with OMC. Divorced, have three of my own children (was married during affair) and keeping the baby (little girl). I'm trying to make the best decision for all parties involved. I don't want to purposely keep this child from OM but also realize the value in NC, not only for he and his family but for mine as well (trying to work things out with x) X says I need to go for child support as to do this single handly is not impossible but close. This is NOT about money nor has it ever been. I want to make that clear. I read the discussion on if the OW got pregnant on purpose and that is not the case. Mine is just a case of pure stupidty on both our parts, plain and simple. Major stupidty!!! And MY fault... not x's...

I think it's best to not have any contact but will be honest and say I'm not sure that is entirely possible. I do struggle financialy right now with just my income and my three children but am surviving (God is good!!!) I also realize that I have no right to keep this child from OM (legally). A paternity test will be done when she is born (OM wife insisting, I don't blame her but know it's his.. x had v done two years prior). I just don't know what the outcome will be as far as support goes. I would be fine with him supporting financially and making that choice to have NC.

I really do feel NC is best for ALL parties involved. I'm just curious if those who do have NC support finanically and how that works out for you all, or if there is NC and no financial support and how that also works out for you all? What are your WH's thoughts and feelings on the matter.

I do appreciate your time.

MM~

MM,

I was just reading through and thought I would at least let you know that someone has read your post. I am sure others will be along at some point.

AS I understand it, the OM has the right to see his child, if the child if he has been declared the father. Since you are divorced, and if the DNA test indicates the OM is the father I believe from all I have read the OM has the right to see the child. IF you go for CS he still has the right and if he is made to pay it he may want to have a part in the child's life. I doubt you can avoid that.

A lot depends on the state you reside in, but I would say if OM wants contact he will get it. OM's W may have something to say about contact and how it will be done as might your ex if you two do get back together.

If you and your Ex do not get back together do you plan on having no contact between your children with ex and ex??? If not why not? Wouldn't the same reasons apply to this child you are carrying???

Just thoughts. Have never been in your situation, but have been around here awhile and read a lot about these situations.

If I see a few of the people that actually have experience posting I will send them this way.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I might be helpful to people if you posted your story with regard to ages of other children, timeline of A, when your marriage ended, that sort of thing. Timelines can be very useful when offering advice.

hishandholdsmine,

"I don't want to purposely keep this child from OM but also realize the value in NC, not only for he and his family but for mine as well" "X says I need to go for child support as to do this single handily is not impossible but close"

You have decided to keep this OC. Good for you.

NC is best for you and the OC.

The OMW does not want you to have contact with the OM for fear and rightly so, that the affair can resume with continued contact.

You need NC to go through withdrawal from the OM and NC to keep you from relapsing.

The OC is better served by not having to be torn between 2 households for shared custody. Many a OM when forced to pay CS use the threat of wanting their share of custody to get their OW to back off asking for CS. Threat or not do you really need the OM involved in your life any more?

"I think it's best to not have any contact but will be honest and say I'm not sure that is entirely possible."

Why?

"I do struggle financially" "I also realize that I have no right to keep this child from OM (legally)"

Most likely the OM and the OMW will not want any interaction with the OC.
Only a lawyer can guide you through the legal aspects.

"A paternity test will be done when she is born (OM wife insisting, I don't blame her but know it's his.. x had v done two years prior)."

Vasectomy's have known to reverse themselves. Did you have SF with BH at the time of conception? So BH should be tested to rule him out.

"I just don't know what the outcome will be as far as support goes."
Only the court can decide. What you want and OM want factor in the decision some what.

If your BH wants to recover the marriage with you then need to tell him that there is no room in a marriage for three people. Does BH want you having contact with the OM?
If not, is BH willing to handle the communications with the OM concerning the OC?

For your marriage to heal there has to be NC with the OM.
Is your BH pushing for CS as revenge from the OM?
Point out to your BH that having to keep the OM involved with your marriage with the OC for the rest of the pregnancy and then 18 years is not worth the money.

BH may feel that it is not fair to take you back and have to pay, but life hands one many things that are not fair.

Where you pregnant before or after the divorce?

If you were pregnant before the divorce, most likely your BH would be considered to be the dad. Thus the OM could be kept away. Consult with a lawyer. Laws vary by state.

Is your BH paying CS for his 3 COM, children of the marriage?

In the long run if you want to recover your marriage it's best to keep OM out of it.

If your BH will not recover then you must take OM to court for CS. The OC deserves to be financially tsken care of.

JL:

Thanks for your response. Yes, you are correct... OM does have a right to this child, regardless if support is paid or not; thus my statement that I know that legally I cannot keep this child from him (nor would I ever do so to be spiteful or vindictive. I am not that kind of person)

I'm sorry, I don't understand your question of "If you and your Ex do not get back together do you plan on having no contact between your children with ex and ex??? " The ex and I currently share split custody of our three children. One week on and one week off. Is that what you mean?


I will share my story.. just need a little bit more time at work here to be able to do so. I don't have internet at home so work is the only time I am able to access the net and a 20 min break doesn't usually give enough time.

Thanks again!

MM~

Welcome to MB. Please familiarize yourself with Dr. Harley's concepts if you are considering getting back with your X. Hopefully you will both agree to do it the MB way.

We are NC with OC. We pay monthly CS. Here is what generally happens.

After you give birth either YOU open a CS case or OM requests DNA. Either way, someone has to do so. Either way DNA will be done because OMW rightfully is requesting this. After DNA you will go to court or mediation to determine CS. Hopefully OMW has been smart enough to get her COM (if there are any) included so they don't give your OC more than COM would get if they D later. You can also in some states agree to less than is state mandated. Next is visitation. That is upon xOM and his W to decide if they want C. Most BW's will not or will want C only with you and OM have NO DIRECT C between each other. This is to protect the BW from worrying about the A reigniting over C. Makes sense?

Most everything depends on your attitude. To be honest, most OW I have knowledge of (not the ones that post here) want the OM more than just a part-time dad. They want the OM to leave the W and be a family. This is the reason your attitude is so important. What ever you do, be respectful of the feelings of the BW.

TheRoad:

I agree with everything you are saying.. 100%...



I agree as well.. Of course the OMW doesn't want any further contact and that is for the best. I want for their marriage/family to succeed as much as I want mine to. I have gone through my w/drawls and certainly DO NOT want to relapse. There has been NC for almost three months now. And I plan on keeping it that way. I believe it has been the choice of both of us to do NC. I know he is working on his marriage in counseling and good for them...


I only think it may not be entirely possible IF he goes after me for visitation, etc. I can't fight him on that.

OM is not saying he doesn't want involvement with child. He does. However, he too is looking at all parties involved.. his family, my family etc. He wants healing from this as much as I do. We both realize this is just a mess.. a horrible mess.. but we are taking ownership of our mess. Or at least I am. I can't speak for him.



I was supposed to ovulate on 1/8 but am generally a few days late with that. Had sex with OM on 1/10 (generally we were careful but ooopps.. stupid stupid me.. I vividly recall hitting myself on the head and saying that... stupid stupid me). I felt the baby implant 6-7 days later (I know my body.. I suffer no menstural cramps so when I felt cramping I knew something was up and felt it was probably the implantation of the embryo..... I googled it as well and sure enough). I believe ex and I had sex the previous week but not near the ovulation period.



I get conflicting messages from BH regarding this child. First it was him saying he would take baby and raise it as his own to "no, OM should have involvement with this child, go after him for support" etc... Of course he deep down inside I'm sure would prefer NC ever again.... And I don't blame him. Nor does he want to be financially responsible for this child (which I will add in my story when I can post it) He is on a roller coaster right now and will be for a while.. I do not feel as though he is pushing the child support as revenge. We are already divorced and he knows that on my income with three children plus this one that financially I can't do it. I feel that if we had not jumped so suddenly into divorce that perhaps he would be viewing the financial aspect of it differently. He is geuninely concerned for me and the child and our survival. That is why he is pushing for support. He is pretty ticked at the guy, again understandably, for not helping me at all during this pregnancy, but really OM has no obligation to help. I understand why BH is mad... I've had my bouts of anger and bitterness but it does me no good to hold grudges over something I had a hand in creating...

I was pregnant before the divorce.. Baby conceived 1/10, revealed to BH 1/22, divorce effective 3/11.... rather quick... sadly...

I did consult with an atty already and he stated that BH is not viewed as the father; even considering that baby was conceived while still married. He did state that new paternity laws just went into effect and he was going to research them and let me know what he found..

Yes, BH pays CS for our 3 COM... $96 per month (no, not each child.. that's a total) and that is because we share the children 50/50.

At this point I don't know that BH can recover. or maybe it's that he is not willing to try to recover/heal. I do know he has many emotions running through him right now. It's only been 6 months.... I need to give him the time and space he needs.. I cannot push this on him.


MM~

MM,

My question was really about denying children seeing their father. You later posts clarified some things for me. One thing you should know and probably do know is that with regard to the child many states will not allow you to "take less" because the money for support is really for the child and you cannot aborgate (sp) that right of the child for support.

As for your exH, send him here. There are more father's here than you think that are indeed rearing the OC from their W's affair. It is tough stuff, but I really think the toughest part is the affair itself. You choosing to have an affair, whether resulting in pregnancy or not, is what he is really struggling with and then he has to decide if he can swallow his pride enough to rear another man's child.

I doubt that this will settle out until the baby is born and many of the details you are worrying about are settled with regard to contact, support, and other issues.

I hope you have read the articles on this site. They could really benefit you in recovering your marriage.

I'll see if Pops, and a few other Dad's are posting if you see them posting post a request for them to look at this thread.

God Bless,

JL

hhhm,,,,, sorry for this nightmare you are dealing with. you said it best with stupid, stupid, stupid. to ti sday i wonder how my w, birth mother to 6 was so stupid.

anyway i am not here to beat you up.

jl is right that many of the things that need to be dealt with in regards to your ex's feelings will not happen until after the birth. so until then you need to work on the reconciliation if possible.

om and omw will have there own issues and they wil determine whether c is right for them. i will say that i believe most times when cs becomes an issue bio fathers use the cs as a way of trying to force either no cs or lower payments. trouble is that once they take that 1st visitation the become attached and then it is hard for them to back away.

why does your h want om to pay cs if money is not the question?

most courts figure cs by just plugging #'s (wages, health care, etc) into a disso master and it spits out the cs amount.

depending on the state you live in, if you were married at time of conception om may have no claim to oc.

No worries there. I've beat myself up enough to last a lifetime.



I think that BH is looking ahead as if we will not be reconciling our relationship and does not want me left without support from OM. So I guess in reality money is a question to him.

Sigh.. it's just a mess.. getting messier..

ok then here are my thoughts. take them or leave them

has ex said anything or even hinted that he is open to reconciliation?

if so then your 1st obligation is to find out what HE needs from you to be able to move forward

if not then YOU need to decide how YOU want to live the rest of your life like.

now let's take cs out for the time being.

you said om is interested in being part of oc's life. are you ok with that? can you deal with oc crying, hiding, and sometimes clinging to your neck begging you not to let om take her for the weekend for about 5 yrs. or will this break your heart and keep you a neurotic wreck?

this is quite possibly the case for young toddlers because they don't feel secure with the every other weekend deal.

and let's switch it around. if om and his w decide not to have c can you walk that path without feeling that your child has been slighted? or would you continue to try and force his participation?

here's another concern you should be aware of. the courts are becoming more leanient all the time as to fathers rights. they may actually order joint physical custody of the oc with the bio father. which could give you and him a 50/50 time share with the child. 1 week at your house and 1 week at his.

also the courts are going to want someone to be financially supportive of tis child. if not your ex then the om nless you can manage it on your own

my thoughts on your h's wish for you seeking cs is that he is probably thinking he is paying his so om needs to pay his share also. and by the way at $96 a month even with shared custody your h is getting off way cheap.

Hi hishandholdsme and welcome.

I am a fow w/oc. Single fow/oc. I was legally seperated with my then husband when affair started and I as you were stupid stupid stupid and got pregnant. I too choose my baby and it was with or without xmm in her life. he is nc but does pay cs.

Pops and the others asked you some good questions and food for thought.

I can tell you from my experience it was not a walk in the park after oc was born and going to court. it ended up costing a lot of money just to stay one step ahead of xmm. In the end I did settle (after 1 1/2 years) and to my satisfaction.

8 times out of 10 the xmm will run the other way. I think you are prepared for that though if it happens. You need to be to have some peace in your life. Accept it and go on. But as well I've seen quite a few xmm who do have contact along with there families. That too you need to be prepared for. If he pays cs (heck even if he does not they are two seperate issues) he is entitlted to have a relationship with his child. It's his right as the child's father just as your right as the mother.

Because the two of you got yourself's in this, you can't just say to him he has no rights to this child or put limations on him in regards to this child. He equally has rights. Sadly as well though he can walk in and out as he pleases.

I would not however allow him visation behind his wife's back. That would be allowing him to have an affair with your child and you know how well that went right? It hurt everyone....put a child into the mix and it will hurt your child even worse.

Since I was legally still married I did go to court and told the judge I was pregnant and it was not my husband's child. I was not going to put him in that position. I had hired an attorney and along with his attorney we went to court. So the court was made aware of this from the beginning. I was not going to make my husband accountable for a child that was not his.

All states are different in the laws but I'm pretty sure if your husband demanded a dna test that he would be granted that and not be held accountable for this child if proven not to be his. Just for a fyi.

As flower stated most bw will do what it takes to protect there children first and that is fine, but at the same time you need to protect this one too. it's your obligation to do so as the child's mother. cs is not for you, but for your child.

I don't blame your husband one bit for wanting to make sure he is not liable for a child that is not his.

If i were you.......if you are trying to salvage your marriage I'd hire an attorny now to have things in place for when the child is born, then use this time to do what it takes to re-build your marriage and not even think about what xmm is going to do. He can't even give you an answer now anyways as he is trying to salvage his marriage more than likely. When your baby is born let your attorney know and sign the final paperwork then your attorney will handle the rest. Xmm will be served to have dna test done then after those results come in you guys can deal with c or nc and the support through the courts. I highly suggest that everything and i mean everything goes through the courts. From cs to visation to rules and regulations for both parties.

If xmm chooses nc then make sure it is stated on the cs paperwork and if he changes his mind later he has to go through the court to ask permission. So then again everything is a judgement and there is no mistakes of who what when and where. That is how ours is set up. In fact the judge told xmm himself that if he later chose to have contact he would have to go through the him (the judge) in order to have it. In other words even though xmm is paying cs if he knocked on my door or called to see oc, legally I can say no to him until we go to court to have it set in stone again.

Pops also was right about your xh in the cs for your other children as well. He got off cheap even with 50/50 joint.

If you have any other questions feel free to ask. If you want to talk to me let me know and justus (mod) can send you my email address.

I strongly suggest that if you are trying to re-build your marriage that you consentrate on that right now though. I'm not sure how far along you are, but alot can happen in a few months