Hope it wasn't so hard that she went home and fell asleep!

Or maybe it was so GREAT that she is happy-tired and will sleep REALLY well and not worry about things.

See, KLD. We are all thinking about you here.

WH2LE

KLD,

How are you? How's the new job?

Just wanted to bump this up so you would see us looking for you!!

Praying,
WH2LE

Hey guys - thanks for checking on me and sorry for not being around for a few days. Things with the new job have gone very well. I've walked into a situation where corporate is moving to Atlanta and most of the people in our group didn't relocate (that's why they had the open position I took). What that means is that we're very short staffed and getting things done is a frantic thing. One of the first things I'll have to do is hire my team. That's good and bad - good that I get to choose my team and bad that I won't have any inherited knowledge on my team. So, things are good in my work world for now.

I'm so glad to have something to focus my energy on besides my shakey M and moody H. Speaking of the moody H, he's been great this week about my new job. Monday when I was driving home, he called to tell me to meet him at a restaurant to celebrate my first day with dinner out. That was so nice and thoughtful of him and I told him how much I loved it that he was so thoughtful. Then, I had to work late on Tuesday night because my boss is here from out of town and we had to get some stuff done before she left today. I called H and he said we should just meet for dinner again to keep from being so late getting out of the kitchen.

When we got home on Monday night he started going through what we need to do to redo the kitchen. We picked some possible paint colors and plan to look at tile for a backsplash this weekend. Working together on the house has always been something we've enjoyed and done well together. Maybe this will be a good thing.

All in all, it's been a good week so far. I haven't forgotten about our issues and that I need to work towards facilitating more open communication, but I'm trying to just let things be good when they're good. I do have to go out of town next week and I'm going to put my PI on alert and get her input on ways to monitor that won't be too costly. H did tell me last night that he plans to work on the kitchen at night next week while I'm gone. We'll see if that really happens.

So, things are good this week. Having financial stability gives me more of a safety net than I realized. When I was working before and had just found out about the A, I was so much in a tailspin that I couldn't really think very far ahead. Then 10 days after confrontation day, I lost my job. My financial stability dropped away. Now that I feel financially able to do very well on my own, I don't feel so "desperate" to force some kind of definite outcome. I'm more content to be patient even though it's a little maddening sometimes. I also won't be so hesitant and/or afraid to Plan B.

KLD,

How's it going?? The job sounds good and things with H sounded good. Catch us up when you have a chance. Oh, I just remembered that this is your traveling week. Well, praying for safety and a HUGE hedge of protection around your H.

Praying,
WH2LE

I am traveling this week and have been uneasy about being away. So far, everything seems okay at home, though.

We bought paint and backsplash tile for the kitchen over the weekend and H says he will do some work on that while I'm gone. We'll see how that goes.... sometimes he's more ambitious than effective.

H was home last night on time and things seemed fine when we spoke. I was so tempted to call more than once, but I don't want to be clingy, needy, or sound terribly suspicious. He told me he would be home every night and that he would be at work early every day as usual. No reason to believe otherwise at this time.

Also, his office was broken into on Friday night. On Saturday we went over there on our way to pick out the tile to see the damage. I had a chance to look in his desk drawers when he wasn't right there and there was no sign of a spare cell phone. Not to say that it doesn't exist, but I haven't been able to find one. I think that's encouraging.

He's still sleeping in the guest room. I don't know what to do about that. This is limiting our ability to re-develop that intimate connection (not necessarily just SF) that I so crave. I find that when I bring this up, the conversation doesn't go as loving and productive as I'd like, so I just don't say anything. I don't know the best thing to do regarding this issue. I guess I'll wait it out a little longer and try to build that connection in as many other ways as I can.

seduction works ya know

buy all new girlie things
leave a few items laying about

get a short silky robe
wear it about in the morning just slightly agape

smell delicious

sing
hum
dance
smile a LOT

let him "catch" you looking at him

touch his ears (this drives my H wild for some reason - I use this carefully and only when I "mean business")

just some idol ramblings from the peanut gallery

Pep

Great ideas and thanks for the encouragement.

I'm still so unsure of myself in this area. So much rejection from him makes it really difficult to set myself up for more. My self esteem has been totally wrecked and I'm not sure I even know how to seduce any more...

Guess I need to work it out and take the risk. I know the potential rewards are there. I also know that if nobody gives it a shot, it doesn't have a chance.

Don't assume it's "you"

He may be worried about "performance" or something else entirely unrelated to your attractiveness...

I am 58 years old. I won't be attractive to any 30 or even 40 year old guys - but hunnybunny - I can make my husband "sit up" - and all it takes is effort and enthusiasm

experiment with this & see what happens - the worst thing is you end up with frilly undies

Pep

Hi KLD!!!

Has your H EVER been responsive to you taking the initiative?

Are you having your PI do any "watching" while you're gone?

That's terrible about your H's office!!! Do they have any idea who the culprit(s) were?

Thinking about you.

Praying too,
WH2LE

I bought my H a book called 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex. In it are 52 separate invitations - 26 for the man and 26 for the woman. Each one gives you instructions to set up an intimate opportunity. If you have one you give your H, you prepare the materials you need ahead of time, you fill out the invitation with time, date, and location, and what he needs to bring (if anything). You give him the invitation, and then set up the event and be prepared for him. An example is (if you're squeamish about public discussion of sex, don't continue):
The invitation:
An Evening of Sensual Pleasure Awaits
You will find yourself consumed by love (and consumed by your lover) if you can attend an evening of Dinner, Dancing and extremely sensual romancing this _______ evening at ____ o'clock. To make the evening complete, you are asked to bring the music, in the form of a new recording of your choice.
Come hungry. Come on time. Come. (in that order)
The (condensed) instructions for you (the giver of the invitation):
Start with a cozy dinner for two. Don't put the music on yet. Keep him in suspense. Before dessert, give him his instructions - stay in the kitchen exactly five minutes, then go to the bedroom and start the music. Sit on the edge of the bed - and wait. In the meantime, you light the candles in the bedroom, go to the bathroom where you dress in a bathrobe. Come out and start to dance to the music. Lean over and let him see the grapes dangling in a necklace around your neck. Encourage him to take a bite. Let your robe fall open and let him see the 3 strawberries on a thread dangling on your hips. Grab a can of whipped cream by the bed and squirt some on each strawberry, some below that, some below that, let him nibble at the strawberries...

You get the idea. It goes on, but the basic idea is the suspense and the novelty of the situation. Make the situation an exciting one for both of you, and it might help get you past your roadblock and into a new stage of your relationship. I've never seen my husband more excited and happy than when we use that book.

Not much time to post lately and not really all that much to say, anyway...

I got home very late on Friday night last week from my week out of town. My flight was delayed and traffic through the city was terrible - I got home at 1:15AM on Saturday which was about 2 hours later than I expected. H was asleep on the couch "waiting up" for me.

When I got in, he woke up, gave me a peck on the cheek, and went to the guest room to bed. I was tired and a little hurt that after a week of being apart this was the best he could do. I realize it was very late, but I've gotten so tired of his ambivalence toward rebuilding our M.

So, I slammed things around for a minute or two and then went into the guest room and told him that I'm tired of dealing with this. I told him that I want to actually start working on our M together rather than just existing together in the same house peacefully. He didn't really want to "talk" about it then because he was really almost asleep, but I told him that things need to change. If we need to discuss it further when he's awake, then that's fine.

He had done a little towards the kitchen re-decorating and we worked on that together on Saturday and Sunday. It was a good time and doing things like this together is always a good thing for us. Saturday he was more affectionate than he has been in a while and Sunday night he slept in our bed. He's been there every night this week since. He is behaving like he actually loves me - at least this week. I'm cautiously encouraged.

My new job on the other hand, is not all that great. It seems that I've lucked into a company who is having financial difficulties and the department is dysfunctional. I found out that the reason I have 3 positions open that I need to hire for is because the people who were doing those jobs got mad and quit before I ever got there. So, I've decided to continue sending resumes and deal with it until something else pops. I was so angry when I realized what was going on. I specifically asked certain questions in the interview process and was lied to. There's no way to verify some of those things until you actually start a job, so I don't know how I could have known unless I had an inside source.

On a positive note, though, H has been very supportive about my job thing. He has listened to me and even offered some suggestions. So odd for him - even before the A.

Two steps forward, one step back?

Thanks for letting us know.

KLD, thanks for coming back and updating us ((((KLD))))

I'm wondering, isn't one of the extraordinary precautions of recovery to not be separated overnights? To really get that UA time in and meet ENs. To help the FWS avoid the temptation to cheat and help the BS not get back to that, "Oh, I'm worried about nothing." thinking.

I tihnk it's really cool that your H responded when you asked for more closeness. From how you described it, though, it didn't sound like you were approaching him as your ally but as your adversary. Did I get that right, or did I minunderstand? This is your FWS, not your WS. That guy is gone, right?

I'm sorry to hear about the job situation. Better days are ahead with that

EO - yes, Dr. Harley's recovery process does recommend no overnights apart. It wasn't possible in our situation for this one week. I need the job and had no other good options when this one came along. It required me to travel to where my boss is at this time for a week with her. I understand Dr. Harley's recommendations and the reasons for them. I just don't believe it's a one size fits all schedule. I know many will disagree with that statement and that if my M is truly that important to me then I'll do anything at all costs to follow the MB recovery plan. I went into the travel with a plan to keep up with what was going on at home and I'm okay with what I did and how it turned out.

We have been spending our weekly UA time together for some time and have been enjoying each other's company alot. There are other things that have been missing that just being together wasn't really addressing.

I think you definitely did get it right about how I addressed my H about my need for closeness and a desire for him to get off the fence about our M. I don't believe it was completely adversarial, but it wasn't a loving and caring conversation. My H hasn't responded well at all to the loving and caring conversations we've had - and we've had quite a few where I've laid my feelings out there with no response from him. I didn't scream at him or call him names or threaten consequences. I just told him how I felt - in about a paragraph or two with no mincing of words or holding back. It was very cool that he responded. I'm very thankful that he did. I told him so, too.

I wish he did respond better to my feelings when shared in a more loving way, but he doesn't at this point. I will continue to try that method and hope for improvement there, but I won't hold back my frustration and hurt for as long as I've been doing. For some time now, any discussion about what I need from him has been a LB and that's not okay with me anymore. I've bent over backwards to allow him time to decide what he wants and wait on him to figure things out. I put up with all kinds of crap out of him last year not knowing he was deep in an A thinking he was having a mental breakdown because of stress due to his career situation. My needs were totally disregarded and unmet and have been for well over a year. Since the discovery of his A, I've been waiting on him to decide what he wants. I'm ready to move forward and trying to resolve things in a totally loving manner has gotten me nowhere.

Hi K.
This opening is a later edit.
I suspect this post is way too long. If I know you - once you start, you will want to get through the whole thing. If you don't have time now, perhaps come back later. Nothing I say will do you as much good as spending time with your H.


Not much time to post lately and not really all that much to say, anyway...

You shocked me with that one. It just doesn't sound like you at all. Does your H know there are times when you don't have that much to say?
(You can take a joke, right?)

I suspect you are probably worn out too. It's hard to post when you just want to sit, or sleep.


I got home at 1:15AM on Saturday which was about 2 hours later than I expected. H was asleep on the couch "waiting up" for me.

Please give him credit. This doesn't sound like the H of a few months ago that didn't care.

When I got in, he woke up, gave me a peck on the cheek, and went to the guest room to bed. I was tired and a little hurt that after a week of being apart this was the best he could do. I realize it was very late, but I've gotten so tired of his ambivalence toward rebuilding our M.

We often expect others to feel as we feel, and we hold it against them when they don't. I doubt I would be full of vim and vigar at one in the morning if someone has just woken me up. When I came to MB, and started learning, I used many outside sources of info besides what Harley wrote. Mars/Venus covers a lot of the differences between you and your H. There is no way to cover all the possibilities here, but keep reading, and learning. Remember this is a process. It will take 1 1/2 to two years.


So, I slammed things around for a minute or two and then went into the guest room and told him that I'm tired of dealing with this. I told him that I want to actually start working on our M together rather than just existing together in the same house peacefully. He didn't really want to "talk" about it then because he was really almost asleep, but I told him that things need to change. If we need to discuss it further when he's awake, then that's fine.

The rules of care and protection go both ways. He didn't care for you and protect you when he had an A. You are not caring for, and protecting when you slam things around.
It's always hard to have this kind of discussion through a keyboard. If we were conversing in person, there would be feed back. You would see that I am not condemning you. I could see how you were reacting to my words, and could reassure you, and give additional assurance if needed.

There is a difference between care and protection, and being a doormat. You don't have to be nice to him. You do have to avoid angry outbursts, and disrespectful judgments.
Nice often = no consequences. There should be consequences, and they should fit what he is doing, or not doing.

Again, I am not condemning you. I hope this feels like teaching/learning/discussion. I Believe you understand, but if you are like me, it takes a while to make changes. I hope you have read Dr Harleys's "LOVE BUSTERS, OVERCOMING HABITS THAT DESTROY ROMANTIC LOVE."

I agree that he needs to make changes. Remember though, that you are here, and you have the background, but he does not. He has had some exposure to these materials, and is learning, but he doesn't know all that you know, and it hasn't been re-enforced in his mind like it has been in yours. I have a lot more to say ON THIS TOPIC (LOL) but I should go on. I have read back over this, and it is much too short to communicate all that I would like to say. Please tell me your feelings on what you are reading.

Oh shoot, one more thing.

There is almost never a time when 1:30 am discussions are useful. Much better when both parties are rested.

Unless.......

Unless it's pillow talk. That works 24/7


He had done a little towards the kitchen re-decorating and we worked on that together on Saturday and Sunday. It was a good time and doing things like this together is always a good thing for us. Saturday he was more affectionate than he has been in a while and Sunday night he slept in our bed. He's been there every night this week since. He is behaving like he actually loves me - at least this week. I'm cautiously encouraged.

Again, this doesn't sound like the H who wants out. It is encouraging, but be careful with your requests. Remember that using the POJA will keep both of you much happier than if one sacrifices for the other.
Again this is difficult over the fiber optic lines. If it feels wrong when you read it, read it again or please talk to me.
When I first read about POJA, it sounded like a way for one party to hold the other back.
However, it really works well when you approach it like this - "What would it take for you to be enthusiastic about this?"
You should use it when discussing things he wants from you, and every thing you want from him, including sleeping in your bed.

My new job on the other hand, is not all that great. It seems that I've lucked into a company who is having financial difficulties and the department is dysfunctional. I found out that the reason I have 3 positions open that I need to hire for is because the people who were doing those jobs got mad and quit before I ever got there. So, I've decided to continue sending resumes and deal with it until something else pops. I was so angry when I realized what was going on. I specifically asked certain questions in the interview process and was lied to. There's no way to verify some of those things until you actually start a job, so I don't know how I could have known unless I had an inside source.

No one likes to be lied too.
Life is hard enough, without this too. How are you feeling now? Are you getting enough sleep, and do you spend time each evening doing something that takes your mind off your troubles, and that relaxes you?

On a positive note, though, H has been very supportive about my job thing. He has listened to me and even offered some suggestions. So odd for him - even before the A.

From my end, it really looks like he is trying.
Trying is good.
Perfection is better, but don't expect it. Expecting perfection from imperfect people often leads to disappointment. Learn to laugh about it, instead of getting angry.
SS smiles.

On Travel -
...........I understand Dr. Harley's recommendations and the reasons for them. I just don't believe it's a one size fits all schedule. I know many will disagree with that statement and that if my M is truly that important to me then I'll do anything at all costs to follow the MB recovery plan. I went into the travel with a plan to keep up with what was going on at home and I'm okay with what I did and how it turned out.

I personally don't think your situation requires such drastic measures. I believe the two of you will make it into full recovery, and a wonderful marriage. I have a lot of faith in YOU.

We have been spending our weekly UA time together for some time and have been enjoying each other's company alot. There are other things that have been missing that just being together wasn't really addressing.

After I found MB, and we started working on our marriage, it took about 2 1/2 years before we felt we had "arrived." It has gotten better each year since, but it took that long for me to realize it was actually working, and that I could relax a little bit about our marriage. Have faith that things will come in time. Take joy in what you DO have.
Note, I am not saying you ought to lower your expectations. Keep them high. Just be willing to give it time to come about.

I think you definitely did get it right about how I addressed my H about my need for closeness and a desire for him to get off the fence about our M. I don't believe it was completely adversarial, but it wasn't a loving and caring conversation. My H hasn't responded well at all to the loving and caring conversations we've had - and we've had quite a few where I've laid my feelings out there with no response from him.

You don't have to be all lovey dovey, and gushing. Just keep in mind that someone who does not feel cared for and protected does not feel loved. Four Rules

I didn't scream at him or call him names or threaten consequences. I just told him how I felt - in about a paragraph or two with no mincing of words or holding back. It was very cool that he responded. I'm very thankful that he did. I told him so, too.

Telling him what you feel is good. I am really glad he responded as he did.......... knowing the other factors involved. (time of day etc.) It was fun reading this......... you should have heard me comment as I read. "I can't believe she is doing this at 1:30 in the morning." (SS laughs as he types.)

I wish he did respond better to my feelings when shared in a more loving way, but he doesn't at this point. I will continue to try that method and hope for improvement there, but I won't hold back my frustration and hurt for as long as I've been doing.

You are not supposed to hold back your hurt and frustration. That means you are not being honest. Not using radical honesty is an LB.

It's all in the way you do it. Let's see if I can find that email from Steve Harley with comments about honesty......


The Policy of Radical Honesty: It’s not a Hammer!
By Steven W. Harley, M.S.
============================================

It’s a sad commentary about our society when we have to have a
rule called “The Policy of Radical Honesty.” It is difficult
to pinpoint, but somewhere along the line being honest became
radical.

I believe that the trend toward dishonesty got its foothold
when experts or advice-givers began selling the idea that what
your spouse doesn’t know won’t hurt them. (In other words,
sometimes it’s acceptable to lie and deceive.) Following with
the added punch that being completely honest will just hurt
your spouse, which should be avoided at any cost. (Again,
meaning that sometimes it’s acceptable to lie and deceive.)
Unfortunately, those ideas were bought lock, stock, and barrel
by most people, leading to the creation of secret second lives
and untold secrets between husbands and wives all in the name
of “protecting my spouse’s feelings.” All of which allow
cancers to form in the marriage.

On the bright side, when couples are introduced to the idea
of radical honesty, most tend to see its value and importance
within the process of creating a mutually enjoyable marriage.
Couples understand that if true connectedness and emotional
intimacy is ever going to be achieved, nothing short of
complete honesty will work. What most couples also understand
is that there is some work involved in getting used to the
true intent behind Radical Honesty.

Contrary to common belief, Radical Honesty does not include
bludgeoning your spouse with your unprocessed thoughts and
feelings. One of the most common misinterpretations of this
policy is believing that it is a license to dump raw opinions
about, then say “Hey, I was just being honest with you.” This
response is the product of a misguided belief that the Policy
of Radical Honesty trumps all other Marriage Builders® concepts
(i.e. Love Busters). There is no policy that truly trumps the
most important tenant of Marriage Builders®: you must protect
your spouse, which includes protection from yourself. All
policies are meant to help you more effectively and
successfully achieve that primary goal.

So, what about being truly honest about your thoughts and
feelings? It almost sounds like I’m contradicting myself by
saying that on one hand you must be completely honest with
your spouse yet on the other hand I’m saying don’t hurt your
spouse. I am a firm believer that you can do both. For
example, if your husband is showing you a tie that he picked
out himself and wanted to know if it matched his suit, what
would you say if you were thinking that it was the most
ridiculous idea to think that the tie he picked out would
even come close to matching not only that suit, but any suit
in his closet? I would suggest that you use a processed
response such as “Honey, I believe that you would look much
better in the tie that the kids gave to you for Father’s Day
because a solid color goes better with that suit and will
make a much better impression in your meeting today.”

Notice that the response I suggested did convey a dislike for
the tie he chose, but was done in a thoughtful and sensitive
way instead of a cruel and insensitive way.

Even in situations when your spouse tells you to be brutally
honest with them instead of candy-coating your thoughts, your
marriage is far better served by understanding the Marriage
Builders® mandate to protect each other and agreeing to never
be brutal about anything.

I’m not necessarily telling you to disregard your spouse’s
request, but I do recommend that a discussion take place
regarding how you want to make every effort not to do anything
that will potentially harm the safety of your marriage.

The bottom line is that it is not ok to commit a Love Buster
under the guise of any of the supporting policies or concepts,
which includes Radical Honesty. Again, this does not mean
that you are not to be completely honest with your spouse, it
means that you must honestly convey your thoughts and feelings
in a controlled, thoughtful, and sensitive way.

Read more about this topic through the following links:

The Policy of Radical Honesty
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=mbradhonest

The Love Buster Dishonesty
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=mbdishonesty

The Emotional Need Honesty and Openness
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=mbhonestopen


Here's another one you can file for future reference. For the record, I don't think you were fighting. I ran across this searching for the one on Honesty, and thought you would find it interesting in light of the discussion above.



4. Straight to the Point: Don’t Fight Fair, Just Don’t Fight!
============================================

I keep seeing it - rules, guidelines, and steps on how a husband and
wife are supposed to hurt each other. “Experts” are actually
prescribing ways for couples to create guardedness and walls between
them within their marriage.

What am I referring to? Fighting!

Why in the world would anyone think that fighting should be tolerated
in the most precious relationship we have with another person and,
worse yet, go a step further by giving you rules on how to do it?
Isn’t the connectedness between husband and wife supposed to be
something that is protected? Isn’t the feeling of safety lost when
you think that a person is going to fight with you? Even with rules,
don’t you put up your guard just before and during a fight?

I wrote a comment about this idea several months back and I received
email after email about how they couldn’t agree with me more. What
was even more confirming was that no one wrote against it. I’m sure
the representatives from the “fighting is ok in a marriage as long
as it’s fair” camp are out there somewhere. I just haven’t heard
from them yet.

As I mentioned last time, fighting equals hurting. Making rules on
how to hurt each other doesn’t make it alright because you still end
up hurting each other. If you say that the rules make it so that
you’re not hurting each other, and that were true, then I wouldn’t
call it fighting. I’d call it discussing with care or respectful
negotiation.

To me the issue is very straight forward. Think of it like your
doctor giving you rules on how to smoke cigarettes. Sounds pretty
ridiculous, right?

And still another.



5. Quick Thought...Protection
============================================

You are the most dangerous person on earth to your spouse. It
is your responsibility to protect your spouse from yourself in
all that you do. Because everything you do, whether in the
presence of your spouse or not, carries with it the potential
to adversely affect him or her.

Even if you truly believe that you are already skilled at
successfully protecting your spouse from yourself, you are
strongly encouraged to read the following concepts which will
surely add to your knowledge base:


Love Busters
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=mblovebust

The Policy of Joint Agreement
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=mbpja

The Policy of Radical Honesty
http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=mbradhonest



For some time now, any discussion about what I need from him has been a LB and that's not okay with me anymore. I've bent over backwards to allow him time to decide what he wants and wait on him to figure things out. I put up with all kinds of crap out of him last year not knowing he was deep in an A thinking he was having a mental breakdown because of stress due to his career situation. My needs were totally disregarded and unmet and have been for well over a year. Since the discovery of his A, I've been waiting on him to decide what he wants. I'm ready to move forward and trying to resolve things in a totally loving manner has gotten me nowhere.

Your feelings are valid. You have put up with far, far, too much.
Question is, what is the best way to get what you want? I wish you were still talking to Jen a couple of times a month. They are good at giving us perspective.

However, I still think you are doing well overall, and that you will make it.

Sorry this was so long. I hope the information is useful.

SS
_________________________

KLD,

I am so thrilled to hear from you! I figured you were busy with the job. And what a bummer that has turned out to be!!!! But KLD, praise God in all things!! One thing leads to another and I have a feeling that this is going to lead to something wonderful. God has not gifted me with "word of knowledge", but I just have a feeling. Either way, THEY are lucky to have YOU!!!!!

Personally, I am glad that you approached your H that way. Up till now, I think he has taken advantage of your kindness and your patience. You seem to have made it clear that you expect him to do his part of the "pulling" here. Maybe, as time goes on and your M begins to recover, it won't be necessary to "shock" him into reacting.

That said, I do like StillSeeking"s post. It was certainly helpful to ME. Thank you SS.

Not much reading or posting time lately, but PLENTY of praying time, so I am,

Praying,
WH2LE

WH2LE - I felt I had just lived with how things were and tried to be loving and kind in accepting where we were. I decided in a split second that I wasn't going to stay there (even if it was 1:30AM, SS!!! :-)) and he had to know it. I know there are better ways to show care for my H, but I had to take action for myself in that moment. I've not been sorry.

SS - I did read your post and it helped me so much. I appreciate more than I can say how you took the time to post your thoughts and reactions. When I have time today, I have a few things I'd like to respond to.

As for the praying WH2LE is doing for me - I've been inspired, shamed, led, whatever to be in more prayer myself. I've always prayed, but I don't think I've been the kind to pour my heart out in most cases. Two weeks ago, I was laying in bed alone and thinking how lonely I am and how tired I am of the state of my M. I'd read several chapters of "The Power of a Praying Wife" that night and had incorporated some of that into my nightly devotional and prayer time. As I lay there, I realized I needed to tell someone how I felt. So, I poured it all out to God. How I hate OW and want her to be gone. How I feel so bad about my hatred of her, but am not willing at this point to work on that. How I just want her to go away and never, ever enter our lives again and find her way without my H in her line of sight. How I want him to take a stand for our M and banish her from his mind, heart, soul, and life. How I wish him peace and contentment in his work, life, and in our M. How I feel so lonely, unattractive, unloved, and sad. I didn't hold anything back. I realized that all the bad things I feel about OW isn't something that I can hide from God - he knows my thoughts and everything about me. So, why not verbalize it and ask for some help.

I'm still struggling with the OW hatred stuff, but I do feel more secure that one day she truly may be out of our lives. I believe that continuing to pray honestly and allowing God to show me a better way is helping. I'm more confident (not alot, but at least some) and hopeful. It's a process and I feel I'm moving forward and so is my M.

Dear KLD,


HOW ARE YOU????? I know there is a lot on your plate and have been not wanting to bug you, but do you want you to know that you and H are being thought of.

Update if you can.

Praying,
WH2LE

WH2LE - thank you so much for checking on us. For now, we are doing very well.

H has been extremely supportive as I've been unhappy with my new job. He has given good advice when he rarely would do so in the past. Not that his advice was bad, he just never gave any at all. He seems to be so much more interested in what I'm doing than in a very, very long time.

He is more open and honest, though there is still room for improvement on the open part. He doesn't hide things that I can see, just doesn't volunteer some things that I would like for him to volunteer. If I ask for anything, he supplies it. I'm trying to not get too hung up on this for the moment since it took us so long to get to this point. Maybe more time will take us further.

He is talking about a vacation this summer and many other "future" things. He is being fun and laughing alot. He's even laughing at my jokes - something that hasn't happened in a very long time!! He says ILY first often now instead of just when I say it to him.

I had an incident on Saturday night where he was the perfect partner. Terrible pain in my side and constant throwing up. Came on so suddenly. After about an hour with no improvement he instisted on taking me to the ER. We got there just before 11PM and didn't get home until 4AM on Sunday. He was absolutely wonderful and caring. I have a kidney stone. He has been the concerned and loving H I remember from a long time ago.

I have no idea what might turn things the other way again, but for now I'm enjoying having a H who shows me his love and who is fun to be around. He has been a little moody a few times in the last month, but in each case it turned out that he has had stomach aches. He's having some tests run next week and is taking a prescription he got last week from the doctor. That has helped. The last time he was cranky, he was up front about how he felt so I didn't worry that he was back in withdrawal again.

He has also stopped smoking and has managed to stay non-stinky for a month. I'm very proud of him.

So, for now we're happy. I hope with all my heart that it will last. One of our next hurdles will be figuring out how to get him to face my family again. He's said he will never see them again. I hope he will change his mind about that. For now, I'm letting this one lie for a while hoping that maybe his embarrassment and shame will dim enough for him to add them back into his life.