My wife's 2 year affair ( W says emotinal only?) led to me telling her to leave and I changed the locks. This (of course) was before I found this site) She has called me EVERY day but is living with OM in a furnished apt. He left his 9 yr girlfriend the same night. We have been to our son's wedding and all was fine. W called my mother and told her we would work it out but it would take time. W has said to me "I've made a big mistake but you have NO IDEA the hole I've dug myself. (OM leaving after 9 yrs?) She talks about "When" we get back together she wants to move closer to our families. She said she needs space and time to work on her emotional problems (W has been in therapy off and on for 20 yrs) W wants ME to get therapy because I've been verbally abusive in the last 2 yrs (mostly about OM it hurt so I tried to hurt her! She wouldn't stop seeing her "friend") OM reminds her of her Father and is 60 yrs old W is 47 (Father now has cancer and W has had bad relationship with father) <BR> Here's my question. I've tried to deposit LT by not asking about OM. She has been lieing to me that she is alone and not living with OM. She says I've come a long way but dosen't trust that I've changed so I told her I knew she was living with OM. She cried softly and tried to denie it. I told her NOTHING was more important than our marriage and that this would (in the long run) make it stronger. Then I waited for her to stop calling. She STILL called today and even apoligised for calling later than usual. I'm confused by this. They were trying to buy a mobile home together but it keeps getting held up (thank God) They can stay where they are till end of Nov. Is she just stalling me or what? <BR>

Hello, Please Help,<P>First of all, yes, your W sounds like she's in the middle of a whopper mid-life crisis, and just YUK! about the age of the OM. I knew someone who did that too. She had been sexually abused by her father. Is this the case with your W? <P>Also, it's good you found this site, and that you realize that asking her to leave might have been unwise at the time. When the betrayer leaves, for whatever reason, it's usually to be closer to the OP, NOT to find themselves. You nearly pushed her into his arms, and I bet you could kick yourself for that. Have you asked her to return? Maybe that would be a first step if you plan to try and win her back. She does sound confused. This might be a good time to "kill her with love and kindness".<P>You need to know about the OM, and it is your right to ask, especially since she's living with the guy. I don't see it as a LB, per se. I also want to know about the emotional/verbal abuse you spoke about. What did you say/do??<P>You are on the right track being here. Best wishes as you work to repair your marriage.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I'm new here and new to this situation but my advice is not to have anything to do w/ her until she leaves the OM. That may sound harsh and maybe I'm wrong but .... I think she must be willing to give him up to have you back. <P>

I have take the advise of new_beginning an dsome others in her and it has seemed to help. we are not back together yet but we have started takling a lot nicer and more to each other. Hang in there Iknow how you feel

I'm with Ann on this one, but I know that most on this site, will opt otherwise. A 2 year affair is a long one and she is still with him. Bad enough, she is living with him! I would want her to choose. 2 years is long enough! If she chooses you, then the OM has to be out of the picture completely before marital recovery could even begin. But, this is my opinion only. I don't think that I could hang around waiting for my H while he lives with his mistress. I would probably be in Plan B. For me, it would be like being a doormat. I wouldn't allow my H to have the best of both worlds. Again, this is only what I would do. I know that everyone's situation is different. Most here won't agree with me.

I'm thankful for your replies. God bless you all. To NB YES YES!! she was abused (maybe sexually) by her father. She says the OM "Listens to her and dosen't want sex". She said this the day I asked her to leave and I yelled "What does he have that I don't?" My verbal abuse was because I took her PMS or whatever personally and would counter punch. She was VERY up and down and abusive at times to me. Sometimes I think I'm better off. But I realised (after reading) how much I hurt her although not intentinally. I just REALLY love her and want her back. This guy couldn't compete with me on a level playing field!! When I first caught her she said "OH my God I've hurt you, I didn't think you loved me anymore" That was 2 yrs ago. I guess I didn't believe she could pick him!! Missing teeth Fat and hardley says a word!!

Egad!! I'm sorry, but I chuckled at the missing teeth thing... but it isn't in the least bit funny... just a nervous habit because I can't imagine what she's thinking, exactly. That's gotta be bad for you!<P>She's in fantasyland, as so many of us have been while in the midst of an affair. Who knows WHAT she sees in him, but I'll tell ya... the woman I'm talking about, she is SO UNHAPPY with the OM (whom she married ) and it turns out (BIG surprise) he abuses her. <P>I stick by my original post: you love her, you want her back... maybe suggest counseling together, and/or apart for her abuse issues. <P>You poor guy. This is really icky, and I feel for you!<P>Keep hangin' here... we're here for you!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Thanks Sheryl. Ya she's in la la land alright! It's been 7 weeks since d-day. She has already said "He's nothing" "I asked him to just be my friend" But she LIES so much lately!! I forgot, she's gotten 3 tattoos in the last year and has already talked about having them removed. She just keeps saying, "You have NO IDEA the hole I dug" "Why didn't you act like this before?" Well, or WA is on Oct 20th and we have our first grandchild coming in March (this is big for us we've been waiting since we never had our own kids raised her 2) Anyway, thanks again. Frank<P>------------------<BR>desperate