I feel like such a sad and pathetic person sometimes. My H wants to work on our marriage and a lot of the time I do too. Sometimes I just don't know how I am going to get past this. I think about the OM a lot. He met all my emotional needs where H (he agrees with this) met very few. We think with all this info we will be able to build a better relationship but I am still in so much pain. How long does it take to get the OM out of your system. I just saw a show on the travel channel about a place OM and I went on a short trip and it just brought back so many memories. Is this all normal does it fade over time. The OM and I were friends for many years before all this happened and I still care about him and how he is doing. I tend to be a care taking kind of person. Sorry for rambling. I decided to post here instead of picking up the phone to call the OM.

Thanks

Harley suggests seeing a medical professional and getting on ADs for awhile.

I ditto that suggestion.

Pep

That's your role in your marriage.

Care take your spouse.

Pep

My counselor also suggest AD's but I tried 2 and they both made me really anxious and I felt a lot worse. I am afraid to try again. Part of my problem is that I stay home with the two youngest 9 and 6 and work part time cleaning our church, I take the kids with me. I don't have much mental stimulation or anything to take my mind off of this whole situation. I just constantly think and it is driving me crazy.

I have to learn a balance when it comes to taking care of my husband. He doesn't like the fact that I am like that and it has always caused issues in our relationship.

Hi Zen,

I admire your courage for posting. You will find much help here from other courageous FWWs. Resonance comes to mind.

Are you making an effort to spend 15 hours a week with your husband? I know that is hard when you have small children but it is essential. Not doing it is what happened to most of the troubled marriages you will read about on these forums.

You fell in love with your BH once, you can do it again. Is he willing to try now to meet your ENs? Have you filled out the EN andd LB questionaires?

Congratulations on posting here instead of calling OM. Keep doing that. Read the Word, listen to uplifting music and pray for God to restore your love for your H and help you to be the best wife that you can possibly be. You can do it.

God's Blessings,

Say

Here's a word on what can happen if you keep dwelling on OM.

My now ex-wife decided that divorce was a much EASIER solution to counseling. She thought it would save her the embarassment of the exposure in church, to her family and friends.

Well, NOTHING turned out the way she planned it.

First, OM dumped her the moment I exposed to his wife. His offers of financial help was a complete lie.

Second, the judge REFUSED to give her ANY financial support because I produced proof of the affair and her throwing me out.

Third, she didn't count on losing her job and everything that comes along with unemployment.

Fourth, she didn't count on me moving on and thriving financially in another city hundreds of miles away.

The OM is a poision to your life, a counterfit deception. Being a christian, you should be able to discern this immediately without question. No matter how much christian language you try to justify the affair with, it's still an abamination that you must absolutely turn away from or you could very well end up like my ex-wife.

My H moved out a couple months ago. At the beginning he was dating also, going on matching websites, drinking and emailing girls. For some reason he has picked July for us to make a committment to each other to work on this. He is going to chaperone kids camp and will be back the second week in July. He says he is giving me the time to write a letter to end things with OM but part of me thinks he as something he is trying to end also. We have been talking a few times a day, he spent fathers day here with me and the kids. He said he has been told he should not move back in for 6 months to a year. I don't like that idea so I am hoping for something sooner.

I am hurting pretty badly right now because I don't think our church handled this whole situation the best way they could. I know what I did was totally wrong but not once has anyone called me to see how me and the kids are doing. At least in my case it would be a lot easier not to talk to OM if others were reaching out to me. They have reached out to H which I totally understand. They have reached out to OM's wife even though she has never attended and neve liked the church. I even semi understand that. But they have not tried to help OM and I. Maybe when I get through all this I will be able to help people who have made the same mistake as me. It feels like people just think "Just let go of the relationship". In theory that sounds great but in reality (at least for me) it is not that easy. It seems that H is the only one who understands that. Lately, he seems to get that this is not easy for me either. I am not a person who can have casual relationships I feel deeply which makes all this so hard.

Thanks for listening and understanding.

W/drawals are very painful.

I know how much it hurts.

It will take time and strict NC to get through it.

Just take one day at a time, and try to keep bringing your mind back to present day. Don't allow yourself to think of OM for more than a second.

Eventually you'll train your brain to stop thinking of him.

It's a tough time for you right now.

But, you will get through this.

When you compare the pain both you and your BH have to survive as result of your A.

Your pain will be very short lived in comparision to your BH's.

Maybe it's best you overcome this addiction the same way you became addicted...

Without consideration of family or friends.

-JKT

I'd drop this for now.

Saying this makes it seem that you think (assume?) that your feelings are stronger (deeper) than the other adults/children/friends who are also suffering painful feelings as a result of your choices.

Just think about this - your feelings are not more special than any one else's feelings.

Feelings are not facts. Feelings are ever changing.
Study the facts about adultery and the plans to recover from adultery.
Your feelings you feel- without judgement or comparrison to the feelings of others.

Hang in there

Pep

Call Dr. Harley and set up an appointment.

He does phone counseling.

zen

I am also a WW.I noticed that you said OM meet your emotional needs.At the time I also thought this as well.HE IS SAYING WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR!!!Remember that.You are vulnerable.There is no time limit on when the feelings go away,take it one day at a time and YOU CAN DO IT!

I did last week a phone appointment and found it very helpful.I
would recommend it strongly,they are to the point and will give you a path to follow.

He says he is giving me the time to write a letter to end things with OM but

there is no 'but' with this process

YOU write a no contact letter today
not on your husbands time

for you
for your children
for his wife
for your soul
and your husband

you write a no contact letter today

clearly ending ALL contact with OM
with clear concise instructions that any contact attempts on his part will immediately be reported to his wife...

and contact attempts have the potential to be gathered as evidence in charges againsts stalking against him...

as cruel and cold as that may sound it is not a fraction as cruel and cold your actions and damage of an active affair are and were..

the financial and emotionally jeopardy that you are willing to put your children in is mind-numbing...

and YOU who brought them in to this world have a role to protect them from that that is avoidable....

making their father a visitor in their own home...

exposing your children to great pain and failed future relationships in their lives......

there is nothing good or caretaking in placing this OM above your own children and husband....

and though harsh as it may sound the good news is that it is completely within in your control to stop...

your church is foul and wrong to turn their backs on you...and you should meet with them and speak to them of this,..

churches aren't full of the holy.,..they are full of you and me the sinners and those in most need of God's mercy

I would think that if you are serious about this that you can post a no contact letter here very soon.....

you can not teach and expect your children to be
honest
trust worthy persons
if you do not value those things yourself....

there is much much more at stake here than your feelings...

ARK

zen,

when was the last time you had ANY contact with OM?

Very good advice...

Something that may surprize you (I know it surprized lil' ol' "follow you heart" ME) is that FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS!! Not the other way around. That is what makes MB teachings different than most. Dr. Harley realized that feelings can change on a dime, and that what you are doing in your life is what changes them. So, while it now seems impossible to you that there will ever come a time when feelings of the OM will go away, they will...TRUST ME!! Time will help...but you MUST take an active role in replacing the memory of OM with love for your husband. You do this through ACTIONS...fake-it-till-you-make-it type stuff. Soon, you will realize that the feelings you had for the OM were really just FANTASIES and that eventually, real life would have crept in and bit you in the butt!

Do you realize that 97% of all affairs end within two years...and that the tiny percent that do end up in M almost all end in D??!! Do you think yours would have been different?? Well, you may think so, but you would have most definitely been WRONG! Those facts helped me A LOT in recovery, because I realized my sitch was NOT unique and that I would have ended up alone and miserable... and with the additional burden of knowing I had destroyed my children and my husband for pure selfishness.

Your DH needs to move back home as soon as possible. Do anything in your power to make that happen!! Even though you are hurting, your hurt must be put on the back-burner for now. You need to stop lamenting over the OM (believe me--YOUR BH CAN FEEL THAT!!) and start telling your husband that you are sorry for the horrible mistakes you have made. Tell him that you will do anything he asks to help him heal. Tell him that you have a plan for recovery, and that you realize that HE is the only person that you want to be with...

The next thing you need to do is go to your church, gather the people who know of the A, and let them know that you have made a terrible mistake and ask their forgiveness. A humble heart goes a LONG, LONG way towards softening others' hearts to you. You DO need their help and support, because you are hurting, too. And listen to me when I say this...THEY HAVE PROVEN THEIR WORTHINESS AS A GOOD, SUPPORTIVE, AND HONORABLE GROUP BY SUPPORTING YOUR HUSBAND THROUGH THIS TRIAL (and the OMW)!!!!!!!! So many (ask Pariah!) have shunned the BS and actually ACCEPTED the WS and OP into the congregagtion with open arms....which is SICKENING!! So, this is the support group you NEED...ask them for their forgiveness and start living your life the RIGHT way, and you will be amazed at how much this makes you feel better.

The bottom line is this-- you cannot expect things to change as you sit around and lament and romanticize your disgusting and degradating romp with another man. Sorry if this makes you mad, but IT IS THE TRUTH... Someday soon (hopefully) you will realize that. You must take the lead in recovery, prove your worth and sorrow and REMORSE over the HORRIBLY PAINFUL choices you have made in your M.

GET BUSY!! SEEK FORGIVENESS!! SURROUND YOURSELF WITH THIS CONGREGATION AND BRING YOUR HUSBAND HOME!!

PS...please do not make the mistake of thinking your husband talking to other girls, dating sites, etc, AFTER YOUR A gets you a free pass... Revenge affairs are very common-- remember that he didn't ask to be devastated in this way. That's why you need to get him home...so you can start to prove YOUR CHANGES.

PSS...and CALL THE HARLEYS!!!!!!!

Good luck to you!

I missed the part where you said you haven't written a NC letter yet.

Why haven't you?

Are you still in contact?

ZEN07,

This is going to sound sort of harsh because it is going to be sooooo against how you view yourself and your actions.

You are not a kind and caring person. That persona is a crutch that you rely on to get what YOU WANT. You are using it as a crutch right now to continue to focus on your OM. Don't believe me???

Have a look at just a few things you have said.
Did you expect them to support your affair? Did you expect them to support OM's affair?



See here is that "kind and caring" part coming out. You would call to see how an a woman in an affair is doing? Why? To make yourself look good? Because affairs are alright in your mind? Because you feel affairs should be supported?

If you were on the outside who would you reach out to?? The person in the euphoria of an affair, or the people devastated by the affair? You say you understand the church's choice to reach out to your H, but you don't understand why they do not support you.

They KNOW what we KNOW, until the affair is over and you have established no contact with the OM, there is little they can do. When you finally decide help yourself (ending the affair and establishing NC) you will receive help from your church.

Right now you are in what is referred to here as "THe Fog". Your reasoning is not very good.

You also said
I hate to break the news to you, ending an affair is NOT easy for anyone and it hurts because you are addicted to the high of the affair. It was not hard for you to dump your H for this man though was it??? Remind me about the kind and caring part again?

My point, you are not special. Read here, ask lots of questions, and you will learn how common your feelings are, how unspecial you are with regard to what you are going through now, and why the information on this site will help you understand many things in your marriage. Most of this is soooo very predictable, which is why a proven method with a good track record works, time after time after time.




your H seems to understand you better than you do yourself, but make no mistake there is work to be done, and the "kind and caring excuse" for an affair is not going to help you much if at all.


Seems odd to read this given that you casually walked away from your H and the marriage vows YOU made. See what I mean about the FOG???

Zen, could you give us a timeline for all of this. You stated you have known OM for a long time. When did you two start this affair, how did your H find out about it, what has your H done to try and save the marriage (if anything), and what are YOUR goals in your life. Finally, you mentioned two young children with the implication that there were more, how many children do you have and what is their age?

The more info we have the better people will be able to offer you insight and help. There is a pattern to all of this and once we know where you are, it will be easier to figure out what is next.

You do have to start seeing yourself and those around you more clearly. You have done a lot of damage to those around you. No matter the state of your marriage you could have handled things in a more productive manner. It is time to adopt more productive approaches to things now.

God Bless,

JL

Because you hurt them too. Affairs don't hurt ONLY the person being cheated on and immediate family, but pretty darn near everyone connected to you and your family. You have betrayed them as well. If you can't see this, you are still in the fog. Perhaps you have shown remorse to your BH. You need to show remorse to everyone who you have affected with your selfish actions. I'm sure they are good people but how do you expect them to behave towards you after you stab them in the back?

ditto