You present a very tough case, Merlin.
A little advice - break your posts into smaller paragraphs, makes it easier to read. Thanks.
Two affairs, and possible OC.
You do need to solve the possibility of the paternity of the OC, to be sure of who the father is. If it were me, I think that would be step one.
Either way, both of you need to have clarity on that issue, don't you think?
It sounds like the marriage had problems for a long time. She has had an affair, and so have you. I'm not so sure there has been a meeting of the minds for awhile on what the two of you want and need from the marriage. You two obviously do not go out of your way to meet the needs of one another. Affairs are pretty selfish in nature - they are about the self, getting one's own needs met, stroking the ego, filling one's own fantasies, etc.
So, with that in mind, both of you seek to have these needs filled outside the marriage, rather than discuss the problems of the marriage with the spouse.
I'm curious about why that is. Why the two of you don't work with one another to meet each other's needs, and why you don't work together to solve the problems within the marriage - why you both seek outside support?
Was there a time when the two of you worked as a team, had common goals, had a relationship close enough to discuss problems and meet one another's needs?
Was there a time when honesty was the basis of this relationship?
Because for quite awhile now, that honesty thing, well, it's been gone. I'm wondering why, and what happened.
It's a question that both of you need to address - if the marriage is to remain intact, and if the kids are to have a two-parent home that is free from future affairs.
I guess I'm looking at this as a marriage that could recover, yes. But both of you will need to work. Very hard.
And the honesty thing will have to begin right away if there is to be a snowball's chance.
SB
