Okay, well, to make a long story short....

Married 13 1/2. 2 sons, 12 and 8. Share custody and swap 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off.

So, tell me, am I crazy to think that it is NOT RIGHT to go and get a sitter to go out and party??????? It was my X's weeks to have the kids, he chose to get a sitter instead of call me. I didn't have plans...but my big thing is, why dind't he do this when he didn't have the kids???? AND....What is to happen if say, He and I both are out drinking...and something happens to the kids? They are to be staying with him, but he gets a sitter to watch them. I have no idea what his plans are, and I too go out...We get a call that one of them is hurt and needs to go to the hospital...we both can't because we have been consuming...(This is just a worst case scenero.) Anyway, I hope you know what I am getting at.

XH says it is no big deal, that we did it when we were married, and is no differnt. I told him there was a big differnece...they could be spending time with ME instead of a sitter. He said to me, "When they are with me, it is my business where they go." I feel like he is not taking them into consideration. I just don' know. This is so hard, and frustrating. Unlike him, I VALUE every minute I get with my kids.

I am calling my lawyer...am I over reacting??????

Did this happen once or every night?

If he went to a party or got together with friends, I don't think it's a big deal unless you two have a "right of first refusal" written into the custody agreement.

Mine says that if the children are going to be out of my care for more than 4 hours, I need to give B the chance to care for them.

As for the emergency scenario, I'm not sure what you mean by drinking. If you are both out and have had 2 drinks, you could take cabs to the hospital or get your designated drivers to drive you. The sitter can drive or call an ambulence. If you mean that you are both inebriated to the point you couldn't make medical decisions once at the hospital, I suggest you call AA immediately.

In other words, this is all about degree and frequency.

Your XH is correct ... you don't have to like it, but its part of the territory when you divorce. I used to get upset that my XW squandered the CS I sent on things for herself, but the reality of the situation was that it was her perogative on how she spent the money, same as its your XH perogative about how he chooses to spend HIS time with HIS children.

It's not pretty, but each of us has to accept a certain amount of responsibility for reproducing with our respective XS, because once we did that, then we GAVE them places in our futures.

I can understand that. I guess I was just hurt because yes, I want to be able to see my boys whenever I can. I don't like that he leavse them with a sitter. That isn't what I want for my boys.

What I mean by drinking, is, say for example, he has them in his care. He gets a sitter to go out and party or hang out...whatever. I do not have the children that week, and I go out with the girls for dinner and a few drinks afterward. Something happens to my boys. So, it's okay to ask the sitter to take him the the hospital??? To me, this would just make things more difficult. If roles were reversed, I would NEVER live it down.

I just get so angry, My XH has issues with drinking...always has. I don't like my kids to be pawned off to anyone else and feel that ultimatly, they are both our responsibility. I guess I just want them with me, because when they are gone, I hate it, and love spending as much time with them as I can!

As far as drinking, NO, I do not need to go to AA. I was just using the worst case scenero. I don't believe in exposing my kids to me drinking, so I won't even have 1 when they are in my care. They hate it when their dad drinks. I don't even drink often, maybe a glass of wine every now and again, but if I have even had 1, I do not drive....

I just hate all of this, it is just so hard sometimes.

So, would you not do that because you would never live it down?

Or because you shouldn't be drinking when you are responsible for 2 children?

It might be a good idea to not drink while you are still the mother of small children....whether they are at your house or not is a moot point, imo.


Your X has a problem with the spirits...your kids need to have one sober parent AT ALL TIMES. It's gonna have to be you.

committed

I really need to spell check. HE would never let me live it down...

I do not drink because I am a responsible parent. I am 35 years old, the mother of 2 boys, and feel that drinking with children present is a no no.

I have ROFR (Right of First Refusal) too for 2 hours, but X refuses to recognize it. There are many who believe they can do whatever they want with the kids on "their" time. That can mean leaving them with sitters or grandparents. ROFR is virtually unenforceable.

Now, I'd be more concerned that he's leave your 12 YO and 8 YO at home without a sitter (as I expect my X to do as my kids get older).

I know what you mean about wanting to see them yourself, but sadly, these are things we need to let go. They see it as us trying to "control" their lives, when we really just want to maximize our time with our children.

Be thankful he hires a sitter rather than leaving them alone. A 12 YO is typically more than capable of watching an 8 YO sibling. (I want mine to take a babysitting class first though).

I'd never really heard of the 2 week on/2 week off model. Do you get to see the kids anytime during that time? If not, that would be too hard on everyone.

Yeah, we do the 2 weeks on, two weeks off....Luckily, where I work, I see them every single day!!!!

I am looking back and thinking that I am really trying to control the situation. I want to really work on that. For the sake of my kids.

I emailed XH today and told him that I do trust him and know he isn't going to do anything stupid to hurt our kids, or put them in danger.

I am trying, this is just all really hard.

Momma, I've always had a sitter who can drive because I want her to be able to take the kids to the hospital without waiting for me. This was true even when we were married. Theater is at least 45 minutes away. Movies are half an hour and in both cases you have to turn off the cell. Naturally, we'd meet the sitter at the movies.

Hmm. I guess what I'm trying to do is ease your fear. Bad things can happen any time, but usually they don't. A responsible sitter is insurance in case something happens.

2 weeks is a really long time. It's also hard to get the adequate balance of adult time and children time. Maybe, your ex would be willing to go every other week. That would mean he'd have every other weekend free, and may make it less likely he'd go out without the children.