How do you get through the pain of your loved ones infidelity? It seems no matter what I do I can't stop obsessing over it, and I'm fearful that I'll never be able to. I', scared that I'm not ever going to be able to live up to her fantasy she has had with the other man, and constantly compare myself to him. I rack my brain with wither or not I compare in bed especially. Obviously it has to be so much better with him or she would stop going back. Even if everything comes around and we get past this, I don't know if I can live in second place with her.

I too, would like to know the answer to this. Sorry I couldn't be of service. I feel your pain bro.

think about what you are saying...

you are comparing yourself with a soul-less man...

who uses himself and people and most importantly God's gift of love and human sexuality to only fullfill needs of gluttony, avarice and pain...

all in the name of falseness

they take all that is, can, and should be good in this world...and twist it...

they change the definition of love
they change the definition of nobility
of honor
or faithfulness...

all to meet their agenda of using eachother up...

do you see what I am saying....

a lot of murderers are described as charmers
charismatic....
etc...
do you envy these characteristics....also ...
ofcourse not...

their twisting is vile and they are lost and blocked from the light of God..
all they touch and do is tainted...

do you see it....

there is nothing to be compared to ..
the fact they can get hard-ons while they lay on a house and bed built of lies is laughable and creepy...
houses of pain that devastate childrens very lives on many levels financially and emotionally....

YOU men of HONOR
YOU men of quiet faithfulness..

hold your heads up to the heaven and feel the light shining down...

be proud
be strong
be so very very happy and believe in yourselves enough in your ability to NOT ever go down such a path...of unworthiness to yourselves and others...
and to God...

do you see it....
they bring great disrespect to all they touch..

in the end you come out of this strong noble men...and if your wives never are able to see and understand the long lasting value in that...then that is not of your doing nor is it your fault and nor should you mourn not having an unworthy partner by your side....

there are tons of stories on this board of WS lamenting every vile act of their affair.... for their spouses have moved so far away from them in goodness and honor....
that the BS feels NOTHING for them anymore....

you men should be at peace knowing you are not comparable to the OM...

all people are different in bed....that's people and the way it is...
but the things that matter
the things that are important.

the actions and the choices that define who we are at our core...
those are things that hold great value to a partner...

the OM are valueless in depth...no matter what their 'romance level is....

they seek refuge with one another... but it is only to escape any type of backlash from the pain they cause....

they get in over their heads till they can't see a way out...

they become like a level in Dantes Inferno feeding off one another even while their own vileness sickens them....

it is all false
it is all a lie
it is all without honor
it is all empty

ARK

Thanks, and what about the pain of seeing a woman you love become someone completely different, a twisted visage of what she was and could still be?

I want to give you the benefit of something I learned the hard way....

and, it's only one guy's opinion, for whatever that's worth... not a professional, or anything.... just a guy who got cheated on.....

If you know about the affair... and your wife continues the affair for more than a day or two....you ARE in second place...
although it may not be for sexual reasons....

I chose to live there because of our children and keeping our nuclear family together. But I never felt that I was in first place, and I really didn't want any further relationship to her.

My wife, unfortunately, died quite prematurely at age 36. However, if she had not died, I can guarantee that I would have sought a divorce once the kids were grown.

For me, I think finding myself a woman to whom I was in FIRST PLACE would have helped to ease my pain tremendously.


Well, this is an easy one. You have to look at her not for what she WAS, or what she COULD BE, but what she IS....

She is a lying, two-timing, selfish, self-centered woman whose VOWS BEFORE GOD and YOUR FEELINGS mean NOTHING to her.....

If my statement about her were not true, there WOULD BE NO MORE AFFAIR.

The woman you love becoming something you've never seen?

Perhaps you're seeing the real her. Love was likely blinding you a bit.

Here's the thing: You need to start acting like she's lucky to have you in her life and not the other way around. Weeping and moping are going to get you nowhere.

So hold your head high. Do a Plan A. Plan B if necessary. And kick her to the curb and implement a Pland D with a Plan FU if you have to.

NO woman is worth being treated as you are being treated. NONE.

And she'll be a lot more attracted to a man with self respect than one who is a doormat.

So pick yourself up. Dust yourself off and hold your head high.

You haven't forsaken your vows. She has.

"Well, this is an easy one. You have to look at her not for what she WAS, or what she COULD BE, but what she IS....

She is a lying, two-timing, selfish, self-centered woman whose VOWS BEFORE GOD and YOUR FEELINGS mean NOTHING to her.....

If my statement about her were not true, there WOULD BE NO MORE AFFAIR."


I completely agree. But, the problem some of us BS's have is...we don't even know who WS "IS". If the A has ended (as far as BS knows), and NC is established (as far as BS knows), then who "IS" WS? It's like being in the middle of nowhere. If she's not a "lying, two-timing, selfish, self-centered woman" anymore, and you cannot gaurantee that she's a woman who takes your "VOWS BEFORE GOD" and "YOUR FEELINGS" seriously and is acting appropriately...then how do you ever figure out who she "IS"? Very lonely place when you don't know.

This is quite simple. A person who takes their marital vows seriously and puts the feelings and emotional well-being of his/her spouse first will be AT HOME TENDING TO THE MARRIAGE...

if you are the person married to him/her, you CLEARLY KNOW whether he/she is doing that, or not.... there's no guesswork about it....

and

a person who has made VOWS BEFORE GOD that they will "love, honor, and cherish" his/her spouse, and is not doing just that, RIGHT NOW, is a lying, two-timing, selfish, self-centered person

BY DEFINITION.

The affair has ended? There is NC? So what? Those things are only the START of a reconciliation..... Is she working to put her marriage back together? OR NOT? Is she trying to, as Dr. Harley says, make "just restitution" to you, or not?

What do you mean "you think" there is NC? Is she taking it upon herself to SHOW AND PROVE there is none, so you can heal? Has she PUT YOUR FEELINGS ABOVE HER OWN and "come clean" and exercised "radical honesty"? OR NOT?

This sucks.

You bet it does. According to God, it is on the same list with murder, theft, and perjury....

I am afraid I am not familiar with your story.

I do believe it is possilbe to get past the pain of the A, and build a new M. It is possible to finally see yourself as first choice, and truly love your WW.

and this is why

If your WW were an alcholic, she would put alchohol ahead of you, and ahead of the M. I watched my only sister drink herself to death. She loved her H and her two children. they all begged her to stop drinking. So she hid it from them - or at least she thought she did. I talked to her several times when she was clearly drunk, but she denied it. she would lie and say it was the cold medicine she took - or she was just tired - or too much sun. Then one night she went to sleep and never woke up.
She left her H and two children to go on without her. She put the drinking ahead of them.

But if she had stopped drinking, became sober, she would have returned to being the loving W and mother she used to be. I am sure of it. She LOVED her family. But the drinking kept pulling at her. And she hated that. The more she drank, the more depressed she became, so she drank more.

I honestly believe that some - not all - but some A's are the same thing. I truly doubt the SF was any good. After all, OM was a selfish pig looking for his own kicks. But for your WW, the thrill of someone showing interest in her - the thrill of having a secret, was strong. Like my sister sneaking out to the garage to pour cheap vodka into her kool-aid. My sister hated her addiction. She was always sick in the morning. But something about it kept pulling at her. If she had lived a little longer, I think she would have eventually quit. And over time, we would have seen the return of the woman we knew. But we never got the chance.

If you "save" your WW from herself - from her destructive behavior - you will someday see the return of the W you once knew.
if not, then you may find that this is actually the real W. Only you will know the truth.

I did not manage to "save" my WxH. He has spiraled even further into his hole. And I am now M to a man who is stable, loving, honorable.

Hang in there friend.

Yep it does....what is your story??? Sorry I am not familiar with it, but it does help us to help you, if we have some background history....


and as far as your title.......

you do it one day at a time....with prayer, help from friends and family, and the great advice and knowledge from MB.....


I can promise you this, you will not always feel this way....it will get better....(spoken by someone who has been here and done that, heck is stilling going through this and that....early R here....)


not2fun

Ditto ^^

Here is the link to our story, strangely enough tittled... Our Story. There is more that I have to add, but I can't bring myself to do so yet.

How do you get through the pain?

One second at a time, then one minute, then one hour, then one day.

And you remember in your heart everyday it's one day at a time.

And each one day could be good or it could be awful, but it's only one day.

You have some really good people talking to you.

The pain is unbelievable, but you will get through it, EVEN if you don't BELIEVE it.

I didn't and I am. One day at a time.

I am only three months into this journey myself, and I speak from the betrayed womans perspective, but when you love and take your vows seriously then it doen't matter man or woman the hurt is still primal it is so raw that you don't know where to turn or what to do! I feel for you, but please stay the course, I am trying very hard to do that I am working on my Plan B letter, but I really like you don't know if I can see the possibility of newness with all the ugly distortedness around. The lies and betrayal are huge, but you do get through one day one hour one minute at a time, and when you don't think you can go another second you come here as we all do and you find solace and comfort from friends who have been there and genuinely ache for you and pray for you and love you to wholeness. I am praying for just anyfeeling other than numb myself, but I feel it coming. Today was a horrible day but a liberating day. I am no longer going to stand for being emotionally and now physically abused and treated like a piece of dog crap and you shouldn't either. You like me need to hold your head up high own our own baggage, no we weren't perfect, but I believe Jesus Christ to be the only perfect person to ever have walked the Earth and he died a horrible death for ME and I am the only one that I am held accountable for, and the same is true for you. We are all here at various stages of grief and recovery to encourage and love you through this, and when you are able you will turn it around and help and love someone else through this journey. I hate to say that but adultery is far too common, our society doesn't value anything anymore we are so disposable with everything!!!
I will be praying for you. keep posting and asking questions, they will get you through!

Wow KLB, be so proud of what you just wrote. It struck a pang in my heart.

You are doing awesome and are so loved by G-d for your spirit of giving and moving forward. Be proud of yourself.

As Miss M says - you are WORTHY.....