Hi everyone,

It’s been awhile since I posted here. I’m not going to bring back my original thread or place a link to it because I don’t want to dig up all the pain I was going through.

I don’t know how many people actually remember my story, but it’s been an unusual trip to say the least. I thought things were turning up, but it looks like I’ve wasted my time trying to save a marriage with someone who doesn’t feel anything for me anymore.

After my WW’s A(s) she said she wanted to try to work things out with me. I was just about to go to plan B when this happened, but since I thought she was finally coming around, I never made it there. This was in March and we’ve been seeing each other almost everyday since then.

I’ve been trying to do plan A, but I have to admit that I ‘m horrible at it. I’ve been stuck between my love for her and my own pride. Although she said she wanted to try to work things out, she has put in zero effort. Her idea of working things out seemed to be about letting me do all the work. I tried my best to do the things she said I never did and stop the things she complained about. We spent a lot of time together, but it was always at her place. Getting her to come to our home was like pulling teeth.

I started to become tired of always accommodating her and not getting anything in return. She lives at her F’s house and her sister recently moved in along with her H and 3 kids. They ran into some hard times and had to sell their place. My WW became used to living with them as she loves her sisters kids and became sort of their nanny. We spent most of our time there not working on our lives but living her sister’s life and doing whatever they did with their kids. I didn’t mind this so much as I love those kids as well, but I’ve been getting tired of not making progress in our own relationship and the lack of effort from her.

I would invite her over, but she would come up with some excuse not to and would in turn ask me to go to her. Again, I was tired of always accommodating her, after all she is the one that had the A’s and destroyed our marriage. I shouldn’t be the one making all the sacrifices. I’ve been doing this long enough.

Yesterday was her nephew’s birthday. It also happened to be the anniversary of the day we met 15 years ago. Neither of us acknowledged the anniversary, but we went out to her nephews birthday dinner. At the end of the night, she was dropping me off at home. I asked her to come in and she said she things to do at home, but asked me to come over there instead. I told her that I’d rather stay home since I’m always over at their place. So she left.

A few hours later she called me and said that we needed to talk. She said this wasn’t working for her. She still feels like we are just friends and that she loves me but she’s not in love with me. She said things haven’t changed and that I haven’t changed. I told her again that I’ve changed, but its been hard for me to show her all that I’ve learned and how different it could be because she hasn’t made the decision to move back and truly work on things. I said that it should be obvious how much I love her by now. That I love her no matter what she’s done, but I didn’t want to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It was a long conversation and it ended up in talking about getting a D. I told her that I would file if she isn’t willing to try to fix things.

So here I am. I took the day off from work and I’m filling out D papers online. I’m sitting here wondering why I’m doing this. I don’t want a D, but I also don’t want to be in a loveless marriage and have to suffer from this tragedy any longer. I’m not going to beg her to give this another chance. If she still can’t see through her fog at this point, she never will as long as I’m still here accommodating her. She texted me this morning and said how sorry she was and that she is hurting and doesn’t know what to do or feel. I have no idea what to say to that except that I’ve been wanting both of us to give this a real chance. I can’t do it alone. If she can’t find it in herself to try to save us from this, then I’m going to stop trying.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? My plan was to file the D and go dark on her. Then move on with my life, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I remember you, Drowning Man.

((((((((((Drowning Man))))))))))

I feel for you going through all this pain!

Just because you are filling out the paperwork, that doesn't mean it's over.

After reading your post, it DOES sound like you need to go to Plan B. JMHO, though, since I'm not expert. Just a feeling.

Best to you, DM!!

DM,

Sorry for what your going through, but judging by your reg date, I would assume that you have been Plan Aing for about six months now. Sorry for the assumption if I am wrong.

Dr H states that for a BH, six months of plan A with no results or progress is enough, and thusly, time for plan B. Read everything you can about plan B as it seems it is time that you must impliment that if you are going to kno
ck your WW off the fence. Keep in mind, it is a last ditch effort, and only works a small percentage of the time, but, at this point, what have you to lose that have not already lost?

After a time, if plan B has no effect, than you have no choice but to protect yourself and go to plan D.

If you truly love your WW and want to reconcile, then stall the D and the papers. Tell her you do marriage, not D. You can drag your feet on this for a long time and still protect your finances, even if it means a legal seperation.

I do wish you all of your dreams,

All Blessings,
Jerry

I agree with Jerry. Refresh yourself on Plan B and go dark on that plan before completing the Divorce process. Perhaps she will "wake up" to what she has lost and you can still R your M.

Sorry for your pain! It sucks to be where you are at.

Start your Self-Recovery plan as well. If you have been with her almost every day, you probably have not done the best job at doing things that will make you feel better about yourself too.

Drowning,

Which one of you two is getting EXACTLY what they want?

I too have D papers filled. Doesn't mean they will ever get filed. I think your only chance at saving your M is plan B. Try it, see what comes of it. If it works then great...if it doesn't, then you are really no further behind than you are now. JMHO

How about give her a copy of HNHN? Ask her to read it.

IMO Plan B will be kind of wasted in your case. If there is no active affair to break up what is the point? You should simply state you are unwilling to go on like this and she either moves back home and participates actively in recovery, or you are both better off with a D. At the very least send her a Plan B letter with a full description of your expectations.

It occurs to me she may not want to stay at your house with you if she is in contact with OM(s). You would find out when they called her on her cell or she would have to dance around and explain herself (or lie to them, more likely) later when they couldn’t get hold of her at odd hours at her F's (father?) house.

My advice: Start working full time on your personal recovery. You have complete control over that.

She's had multiple A's for pity's sake. She needs to grow up before she does anything else.

With prayers,

Reading this, I thought, you need Plan B. To save yourself, and possibly, your marriage.

Thanks everyone.

Cymanca.. im not sure I follow your question. I would say neither of us is getting exactly what we want, but she is definitely getting a lot more than i am whether or not she recognizes or appreciates it. Neither of us are happy, but i was willing to do whatever it takes. I've just been waiting for her to come onboard.

She's been holding back.. waiting for the feeling to come first, but hasn't put in the effort. Can it possibly work that way? I had fears that the longer we did this and the longer she waited to get the feelings, it would reinforce her previous decision that it wouldnt work. I think I was right. In her mind she thinks she tried and it didn't work, so she can walk away easier now.

I talked to her a little earlier and told her that she should be the one to file the D because I don't want this. She said OK and that she'll fill out the papers. But I asked if this is really what she wants and she said she doesn't know. ????

So if it's plan B, i have some questions.

Mainly, how do I go about it when there is no longer an A happening? What do I say in the letter?

This is exactly what I told her and I think you read my mind about plan B. Does it work when there's no active A?


I cant say im 100% positive, but I dont think she is at her fathers house for that reason. I've been with her almost everyday and sleeping there with her. She has never received phone calls from any guys that I know of. The only thing I suspect at times is that she is talking to someone on IM at work, but she really wouldnt have the time to meet up with anyone.

I like the idea of giving her HNHN. I shouldve done that before, but I was waiting for when we actually began R. I'm wondering if its too late for that now because I dont want to come back begging for another shot. I haven't been strong through out my sitch, so i feel like I really need to hold my ground. I just don't know. Maybe I should give her the book and go to plan B. Hopefully, she will read it.

I can't believe im back in this position of not knowing what to do.

I would do a plan B. You don't want lose her and there is nothing left for you to try. So why not do a plan B?

DM,

First, glad to finally get an update from you. Sorry your sitch hasn't changed much since you last posted. LaLa and I were just wondering the other night what happened to you. She's out right now, but I'm sure she will be on later to give you her input. For now, here are my thoughts on your options.



I know how difficult this must be for you, but that is exactly what you should do. You have given this everything you could and your WW is not budging at all. Until she recognizes that she must give 100% for you to even begin recovery you can't go on. It will be hard DM, but I know you can do it. There are many here on MB that have embarked on personal recovery and I'm sure they would help you along the way. I think you should define your boundry of not settling for the crumbs your DW is giving you. Then, outline your requirements to continue attempting recovery and if she balks at any of it go ahead and file for the D. You are still a young man DM. You have learned A LOT about relationships and what makes them work. Take the time to heal yourself and move forward with you life. You have done the best you can, but it takes two to recover a marriage. You can not do it on your own. It's time for your DW to commit to recovery or time for you to commit to rebuilding a HAPPY life for yourself without her drama.

Here is a fantastic list of requirements that RUNNERBOY65 posted recently. They don't all apply to your situation, so I have highlighted the ones that should be a minimum for you to continue with recovery:



I really see no other option for you DM. What do you have to lose? Do something different and see what happens. Great to hear from you and best of luck!

Want2Stay

W2S, TheRoad and everyone, it is good to hear from you.

I think you guys are right. There is nothing else I can do now except plan B.

I attempted one final gesture a little while ago and asked WW to come by the house, so I can give her something. I just wanted to give her the HNHN book. She said she couldnt right now because she is going out to meet one of her friends. I didnt think that she spoke to this "friend" much anymore, so my suspicions went into a loop. Also, our conversation today had a huge resemblence to ones we had when this all started.

She is acting angry at me again and said that she doesn't have those feelings for me anymore and they cant be forced to come back. This is like deja vu..a horribleone. I can't confirm who she is going out with or where, so my imagination is running wild. I do believe she has no seen anyone in the past 3 months, but im not sure if she's been talking to anyone. It's possible that OM1 is back.

There's no way hell I can go through this again if my suspicions are right. I'll be going to plan B with the intention of moving on. Thanks for the support.

See, now that’s a good reason to Plan B. Protect yourself. Start your personal recovery.

Do it by the book though, with a Plan B letter. Post it here if you want comments and suggestions.

I think you are making the right decision since you don’t sound completely done yet.

With prayers,

NO!

Feelings follow actions. She canot expect to "fall back in love with you" if she is still fence-sitting. Whether she is still seeing or talking to other men at this point or not, she IS still "weighing her options." One foot out the door, so to speak...or in this case BOTH feet living elsewhere.

So, the only option I see is to remove yourself from the equation. All of a sudden (and especially after this time you have spent together recently) with you out of the picture, she will start to see the real picture of life without you. At this point, I DO think she is "getting everything she wants!!" Her tears are of the CROCODILE variety, not of sorrow and remorse. Don't buy it, DM! She is manipulating you STILL.

Before I was always so worried about Plan B for you- even though I encouraged it for YOUR sake- because you two had basically gone your own ways..no kids, no comittment on her part, continuing adultery, very little communication, etc. But NOW, I see a PRIME opportunity for PB to really work because you have gotten close again and she "allowed" you (barf) to meet her ENs and to prove your changes to her. NOW she will have something to miss (very recent stuff).

I think you should do it DM. File, write the PBL and go dark right away. Knock her butt off the fence! I see this as your very best shot...ENCOURAGING!!! Don't be discouraged! You are a great guy and even if it doesn't work, you will be OK. We'll be here for ya!

I am not going to tell you how you should leave your wife as I have chosen to stay with mine and I know that type of advice doesn't help at all.

I will tell you to drag those feet to the bitter end. Do not fill out your papers, do not even agree to sign. You will only be doing it because you think it is what will make your WW happy and I can tell you it won't. Right now she thinks it's easier to just walk away than it is to fix anything. Do not sign, do not cooperate. Do, act in a way that would be attractive to your wife. Do make yourself into a person you can be proud of. She will see it and be drawn to you. Do not beg her to stay. Do ask her if she is absolutely sure this is what she wants. She eventually might tell you she is. Don't believe her. She is in the fog. As soon as you tell her you will agree to the divorce, that is her justification to do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. Make yourself a better person and she will regret leaving you. OM are pieces of sh*t and can never offer her what you can offer. You just have to learn to offer it. Don't ask me how to learn as I am still learning myself. DON"T SIGN A THING!!!!





unless you REALLY want to.

Thanks for all your input, everyone.

I asked her on Friday if she's "sure" about this. She said she doesn't know. I told her that I understand what she's saying about not feeling "in love" with me right now. It's normal for what we've been through and we can't expect to have those feelings come back right away. They need to grow over time. She doesn't think it can happen and said, "you can't force someone to feel a certain way." I told her that I had a book that covers this exact topic (HNHN) and tried to give her the explanation of "feelings follow actions" but I don't know if she's even listening.

I'm torn in all different directions again and this is all too familiar. I started righting another pbl, but then began wondering if this is the right thing. Most of you say that I should and 90% of me agrees, but I also know it's very risky and Plan B is meant to stop an active affair. So the fact that there isn't one (that I know of) is making me think twice. But I also know she has to be shaken off the fence.

I pretty sure I need the detachment part of plan b, so she can see what life is like without me, but the non-existence of an A is whats got me confused. What do I say in the PBL as the reason for this? If I want to get back together with her, why am i cutting her off? I can't really blame it on the pain she's causing by continuing to the see the OM if she's not.

Are there any FWS's out there who lost all your feelings for your BS after the A? If so, when did the feelings come back?

Were you plan B'ed and was it during that time? Or did the feelings only come back during recovery?

If it wasn't until recovery, what made you decide to reconcile?
I'm guessing children would be a common answer.

If there are an BS's in here who had a similar situation, I'd like to hear your take on it as well.

Thanks

Well, you could say that it's too painful for you to have contact because of the way she is acting right now.

I don't know what you would put for conditions of returning, though.

Maybe someone else has something.

Take care,

Charlotte

DM,
I still beleive plan B is now appropriate for you and your sitch.
While she may not now be active and in an A, she continues to display the mindset of a Wayward Wife! If there is no A at this time(and I wouldn't mortgage the house on that btw,too many red flags flying everywhere.) she and her attitude are certainly setting up for OM3, IMHO.

At the very least, DM, she is having an A with herself. She is the embodiment of selfish and self entitled feelings, which will ultimately lead to yet another A. You cannot build R on this slipery slope!

Your plan A has gone on long enough, with no good results other than you looking very weak in your WW's eyes. Time to open the cage door and let her fly.

In the meantime, you spend all of your energies on personal healing and recovery of your own self esteem. Join a gym and work out(better than AD's btw). Get new hobies and meet new and interesting friends(but guard your heart, you are still married).
Let your WW see that you are moving on without her, and your patience is now at an end.

Outline what you will need to see in your WW and what she must do to accomplish this. You have been given some good starting points to express your boundaries, and you can add and tweak a few more. Be honest about what you will need for any R to take place. If she cannot step up to the plate, so be it.

It's a start, DM, and you sorely need a new and fresh start on your own self. I, nor DR H for that matter, can say with any certainty that this will bring your WW home. But do you really want a life with an alien, or the person she used to be?

Your choice DM.

All Blessings,
Jerry