We have been married for 37 years, since 1971. The first year of our marriage he cheated one time, a one night stand, and then we became very involved in church so we put that behind us. Then, something happened after 7 yrs in church and we stopped going. In 83, when I was hosp for depression he met a younger woman at work and started an affair. We had four daughters, ages 5-11. It tore me to pieces. He stayed with us and mourned for her. I felt like the other woman for the next ten years. In 86 I kicked him out, I had become stronger, went to work and had a good job, developed self esteem. He begged to come back. I was torn, things were looking good for me, I had developed friends, a social life and though I loved him, he had controlled me all my life. But, I did love him and for our children, I owed it to all of us to try. Then I found him "talking" to this woman again in 89 and 98 and put him out in 98. Each time it killed me, but 98 was the worst. Fast fwd to today. Over the years, I became a stock broker for a major wire house, left them and opened my own investment company but then I lost both breasts to cancer in 04 and had to close it, almost died in 06 from ischemic colitis, and was diagnosed with MS in early 07. I found out this past Feb he has been having an ongoing affair with a friend for 13 years, since 95, he had an affair with the woman from 83 three or four other times, the two times I caught them "talking" as well as others. In 98 he was having an affair with both women. He also got a hotel room with a coworker that I went to school with around 89, who was also a friend and before he met the woman in 83, he screwed another of his coworkers in a car.
The 13 year affair happened in his or her car. We, the two couples, had been friends who had just drifted apart, but were still Christmas cd friends and she came to the hospital when I lost both breasts. The three of us, my husband, me and my friend, would ride mountain bikes together until I had to give it up because I would hurt myself, it was the undiagnosed MS. My husband continued riding with the "boys", really her, and I had no idea. However, they had been having this affair the whole time before we ever rode bikes together. They were having it when we all took camping/canoeing trips together, went on Halloween excursions, etc. Once I stopped riding my bike, they then would meet, have sex and then ride their bikes. Sometimes just screw and come home. My husband always took a week long bike trip to Tsali national forest to ride his bike each fall with the "guys" and camp and the last three it was only the two of them. He has not touched me in five years. Told me he was impotent and I did not want to push it for fear of causing him emotional upset. I found viagra that had been purchased on our medication website which he said was for someone else, and they backed him up, but I did not buy it. I was moving one of his bikes and the viagra fell out this past Valentines day. I would not relent until he told me and then I got all the truth. I am destroyed beyond words. I love and hate him. We have a beautiful family that is destroyed. One daughter who cannot even speak to him. He told her a pack of lies in 98 to get her help and she held him and petted him and gave him sancuary. He had this woman come and have lunch with him at work, and my daughter and her husband both work there and either could easily have come upon them. And, my daughter knows her well. When the other three events happened, we went to counseling and we did everything we could, and him especially, to rebuild trust. And we did, or I did. I wanted the best for him, the best bikes and gear, he needed exercise for his health, the week long trips were something he loved, now I know why, and I supported all his activities. I cannot stay married to him if he continues to ride. This woman is still riding. I cannot trust a word he says. And, after the big confession, lies started popping up out of the things he told. And things started coming to light that he did not tell. So he is still lying. I asked him if he will take a lie detector test and he says no. I have been followed by a particular vehicle and a police report is on file and it scared me that maybe he was going to have me killed. He became so upset and told me to set up the lie det. test, and I said, great, we can get the other thing settled and he said, no. I won't take it. So, there is something really big he does not want me to know. Does he have a child with someone else? Is there yet another woman he is still seeing? Without this test, I am done. He says he will do anything, has lost ten lbs, cannot sleep, begs, leaves notes. He has to take the test. He made it critical. Also, when he first told me, I asked him if I kicked him out would he go to the other woman, he said, well, if you are through with me, I would be crazy not to see if we have something. between that answer, his unwillingness to give up bike riding when that is the tool he used to cheat on me and he knows how much the bike bothers me now, and refusing this test so vehemenently, I feel I have no other choice. Christmas of 98, the year he was having an affair with both women, and stopped with only one, he got down on his knee and gave me a diamond ring in front of 35 ppl, avowing his love for me and that he would never harm me again or cheat on me. That was while he was still in this latest affair that he kept going ten more years. His words are hollow, he is a consumate liar. I know this is long, please someone give me your opinion. I think he is sick, maybe a sexual addiction or some other type of issue. And 37 years, five daughters (we adopted another daughter), five son-in-laws, eleven grand children and another on the way, and really bad finances along with my much needed health insurance shed a different light as well. I am 56 not 36. If I were 36, his clothes would be burning on the yard beside his axed bikes, trust me. I have been trying like crazy to get a marriage counselor appt. They are all full until the third Christmas after next. I am seeing one seperately and he is as well, twice a week.

I am no expert by any means and you've got about 20 years on me. However, your situation is bad and I hope you can look to your family to help you through it. My husband is just as sick as yours as it sounds, though yours has been going at it longer. At some point, you lose your dignity when you keep succumbing to the lies and promises. I lost my dignity for a year and more recently for 6 months when the OW was brought to events and basically "dangled" in my face. I am reading an interesting book called the Monogamy Myth. The woman who wrote the book was cheated on by her husband for 15 years and with multiple women. I'm not done with it yet, but it has at least clarified why these things happen from a social standpoint. You might find that book helpful. I got it from the library.

If you can overcome all of the medical issues and survive, then this should be easy. You have got your children and perhaps friends and other family to lean on for support. In my case, my H's family is disgusted by his behavior. He lied to his sister and flaunted the OW to her as well. He said he never wants to have anything to do with his family again now that I have told them he was with a dominatrix for a year. My feeling is that as soon as a man gets a taste for cheating and realizes he can get away with it, then no matter how much they say they won't, that temptation will always be there. I think it's like shoplifting. It's a thrill not to get caught. Knowing that my husband used to be a habitual shoplifter in his late teens, I'm not surprised I guess at this point by his current behavior.

My feeling is that people can say all they want that they will change, but unless they start doing something, it is easier to just fall back into the pattern of what they are used to doing. I know most of this is not what you want to hear. For all my posts, many are not what I want to hear but in reality, the truth is hard to digest.

I started therapy asap with a new therapist as soon as this bombshell was dropped on me last week. She told me to look into this book: "I Need Your Love - Is That True?" by Byron Katie. I am waiting for it to arrive, so I can't comment on it yet. The therapist also told me that she wanted me to join a DBT group. I don't know if this is because I need it or I need support or both. I have to ask her about that too. But maybe these two things can help get you back on track.

As hard as this sounds, (and I'm giving you advice on what I have been told but I don't like hearing either) it's time to move on. Enough of the abuse. It's mental and emotional abuse and we don't deserve to live like this. The only way I will consider possibly working with my H is if he needs to be committed to a mental institution because that is how crazy I think he is. I've already started interviewing lawyers and the biggest thing I am learning now is that it is important to get your finances in order. You should seek out a financial planner who specializes in divorce. I have just finished sorting 10 years worth of financial statements to get things in order to go see one. I'm sure it will take you longer, but they can do it for you if you can't deal with it. Even if your H is controlling the finances, they can still help sort it out.

Nobody should ever have to live through this. It is the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed and constantly lied to. I'm right there with you as are many people on this site. I've learned a lot of information to hopefully make my next relationship affair-proof. If anything, I will certainly make sure I get a prenup (even though I am not rich) to make things easy if I do have to ever get divorced again. You always need to look out for yourself first, no matter how much you love a man. I learned this growing up and watching my mom (who is roughly your age) do the finances in the house because my dad is too stupid to do it. If she died, he would be lost. I certainly wouldn't help him (that's another story though). So when I started college, I strove to have the best grades and always do my best so that I could be an independent, successful woman. 10 years later, I have become just that and I will be dam*ed if some stupid man is going to ruin my life for his own selfish ignorance.

I have learned from my H's grandmother who became a widow at age 50 that life can be very rich and satisfying. She is currently 83 and is the most well-traveled, social grandma I know. She belongs to tons of clubs and has tons of friends. Meanwhile, my own grandma who is also just widowed in Feb. sits at home and pains away for the loss of my grandpa. She's doing nothing to help herself and is slowly wasting away. It's sad when she's got three great grandkids now that she could still be enjoying for her remaining years.

I am considering my marriage as a death of my spouse and I am a widow. He has died and come back as somebody that I don't know. I find that comforting. He will never be himself as I loved him. Yours won't either. I think it's time to move on. You probably don't want to hear that, but enough is enough. Stand up for yourself and have the courage to say you are not going to take this abuse anymore and allow yourself to be disrespected and treated so terribly. If you survived before from horrible illnesses, you will get through this. You've been through way more than I could ever even imagine as I am in good health still.

I hope this has helped. Good luck and all the best to you. Stay strong and remain positive to yourself. Living well is the best revenge.

I'm sorry for the reasons you are here. That's some majorly longterm cheating, and lying. Which brings me to the thought - what difference does it really make if he takes a lie-detecter test? He has lied in the past, lies now, and most likely will continue to lie in the future. A test doesn't safeguard against the future, does it? Why do you want him to take the test?

I would recommend phone counseling with the Harleys.

Thank you all for your responses. It is so interesting to see the variety of ways we can all get to the same place. And how different each situation is, just as how different we all are.

The lie detector test means this to me. Having been lied to so many of these years, having been lied to eye to eye, on bended knee and in ways that would boggle your mind, his words are ineffective. It is the one way I could feel that he is genuine, telling the truth and truth be told, his willingness to take it is almost as good as taking it. I have discovered they are very expensive since I wrote first and I probably would not pay for it, but his willingness to take it would be assuring to me that his confession is complete. Why do I care? He has told me so many awful things, what could be so bad that he could not tell me? Does he have a child with someone else? Is he still seeing yet another woman? Has he had homosexual affairs? Did he bring these woman into my bed when I traveled? These are things that I believe he would think would be the total end of the line for me. Some of it may be, but I would never know without knowing. Some of it would possibly embarrass him. He had a vasectomy when I was carrying our youngest who is 30 and other than the one night affair, unknown name, person, there was no one else, so the liklihood of a child is almost 0. I am fertile to the max.

As I said earlier, If I were 35, he ish would be burning on our lawn, his bikes axed and I could pronounce "this house is clean" like the lady from that movie. But, I am not young. It is much easier to make decisions when you are younger, have a career you can work on and move forward with, no kids, still feel 'marketable' in the love market, etc. Life looks a lot different from this side.

It is not that I do not feel that I have a lot of living to do, it is just that it will be done differently. I cannot work, if I do I will lose my income from the disability that I draw from my last job. Am I capable of working? Yes. But I cannot draw from any job as much as I make from my disability. I was a stock broker for years, owned own company until breast cancer, then worked in wealth mgmt for a large bank, which is where I was when the MS was discovered. That is my trained career path. I could run a cash register maybe, but my salary would be much less and my disability would end. I am still technically an employee and I am still accruing a pension, so I would be foolish.

Money? I cannot take what he has, I already have it. My illnesses wiped us out. We will not likely recover from this in our lifetime. Lottery anyone?

I agree with the once a cheater, always theory mostly. I think there is too much evidence to not believe it. At this stage in his particular life, I think he is not that person. It is hard to know how to build trust when you have done all the text book things in the past and they worked like a charm to help you, the victim, trust again, only to find out it was misplace trust. You cannot do those things again. That is why the test was a consideration.

For me, it will probably be the bikes. Know that she is still riding, well, that is off the table. With my MS, I cannot ride. I cannot hike. Heat is my enemy. I did get a call from a marriage counselor this morning and she will see us on Tuesday. Thank God. Finally. At first I slept with him, then I did not. When I did not, things became worse quickly. I need to have that because I need some type of positive communion with him to offset the painful part. We are both suffering and weird as it sounds, we need each other.

I am learning things from this event that I never learned before. Please keep writing me and telling me your feelings. The situations of everyone are so different. I remember what it was like when I was 31 with four small daughters, and then when I was 39, and then 47, which was the worst of them all (and only thinking he was talking to the woman from when I was 39 the last two times) and then how it is now to learn all this information at once, while being unwell.

You might find this site helpful:
**edit**

There are some good articles there that I read last night.

This is such a hard thing to go through. Especially when your feelings change day by day.

I posted under my own post about when you really know if it is time to move on. I think anger makes you want to leave, but then looking at the other things you have together makes you want to stay. Today I am feeling less "the H*ll with him I need to split" though I know deep down inside that as of right now I don't see him changing. I am supposed to see a high profile lawyer today. I'll see how that goes.

Today I can say that an affair is exhausting and the fallout from it is equally exhausting. What I read last night helped in the sense that I found out about this affair officially on June 7th. Today is June 20th. It's been 13 days. After reading what I read, I feel that I am not ready to make any drastic decisions. I think I need to heal somewhat first.

I don't know about a lie detector test. I'd love for my H to take one because I also feel that he has more lies that he hasn't revealed yet. I suggested counseling with Dr. Harley but my H doesn't think it will help. We did some couples therapy, though it wasn't officially "marriage counseling." He stormed out of the office one day and never returned.

Everybody's spouse is different and in a different place although the actions are essentially the same.

I think I am currently in Plan B. I don't know if you read about Plan A and Plan B. This site doesn't really get into good explanation about how each works, but the book "Surviving Infidelity" does. I'd recommend that book.

Keep reading the articles on this site and keep your chin up and work on improving yourself.

(((Jane)))
When I first read your thread, my heart really went out to you. It sounds like you have had a lifetime of suffering and now to be dealing with your illness on top of it seems really unfair.

These are the times when I know that God has much more faith in me than I do myself.

What progress has been made in your IC?

I am working on not carrying the entire history of our M which has included different variations of Infidelity around with me like dead weight. As a matter of fact, gained weight since being M to my H and have now been diagnosed with CFS so I'm sure that it manifested in REAL weight and disease being carried around.

I know that you have a long history with him, but one of my favorite posters said this to me:


What are the current issues?

Is he in a current affair? Is it the OW that he rides bikes with?

Maybe you can break it down to your CURRENT problem without dredging up the History right now.

Believe me, I can rattle off a long post just as you have with dates and names and lies and all of it. It is counter productive for moving forward, for me.

Let's see if we can work on saving your M. There are some really GREAT people on this board, new and old. You will have a tremendous support group here and I'm glad that you have found MB.

Hi, I do have the book "Surviving Infidelity" and the Harley's Book. I am reading all that I can from each. I know from past experience about the roller coaster ride. I consider myself to be like the machine that sucks the lottery balls up. But the balls I have are rage, fury, love, grief, fear, pain, unbearable betrayal, and the big one, why, why, why.

I am not ready to do anything. For us, right now, he is commited to finding out what is wrong with him. He is remorseful and hates himself much more that I could ever hate him. He and I will see the marriage counselor on Tuesday. And we are both seeing our own counselors, he goes to his two times a week.

This may sound nuts, but we do much better when we work on keeping our communication open and making sure every single secong is not spent on talking about the affairs. At first, of course that was all I could do. But, if I sit with him and watch tv, sleep with him at night and share things with him, get out of the house, I keep a connection and my bitterness and lottery balls are much less seldom. So, I am working on that.

Hi,,,,thanks for your response. Yes, the ow was someone he was riding bikes with, but they did not start the affair on the bike trail. I rode with them also until I got hurt so many times, not knowing that I had MS, and the heat affected me so differently than the others, again MS. I had to stop. He was always riding the the "guys" as far as I knew, but after I quit it gave them the perfect opportunity to get together and have sex. It was always in the car, 13 yrs. To me that would be degrading. I am not overweight nor unattractive and the thing is that while she is more fit, is has a lot to do with her genetic make up, she is a troll. Our marriage had nothing to do with it. This is all on him. He has a problem. WHen he had the first affair in 83, there were problems and I learned of them and fixed them on my end and never allowed myself to take him for granted again. He never did anything except take me for granted. His big problem is ego but worse, there is something in him, something that has happened that needs to be dealt with. I know some of his history from childhood and some of it comes from there. No, he is not seeing her. But, the biking as far as I am concerned cannot happen. She is on the trail still. I just could not handle it right now. So, the bikes have been taken out of the house.

I love him very much. He is seeing a counselor twice a week, I go once and we start marriage together on Tues. We have been all through this before but this is the first time when he has told the whole truth and to be honest, it is exciting to know that we may finally be going to have the life I have wanted for so long.

That is very good news about the MC and it sounds like he is in a great place to start to heal this and begin Recovery.

I'm so happy to hear about the bikes being taken out of the house. I think that it makes really good sense for him to be supporting you in your triggers right now and Harley speaks of Extraordinary Precautions and that would be one.

Good luck to you! You sound like you are feeling better.