My experience is more than 20 years ago, so no "online" was involved, and my Ws indiscretions were full-blown physical affairs.... but I think the same principles really apply.
Firstly, this website and Dr. Harley have very sound advice about what to do if you want to rebuild your marriage - and how
to bring your H to the point of repentance. I would wholeheartedly suggest that you follow this advice. Although when my experience was occurring, I did not know of Dr. Harley and his wisdom, a very similar plan was offered by Dr. Dobson in "Love Must Be Tough"....
The detailed plans differ slightly, as is the case with different people's ideas, but the basic principles are quite the same.
And, as far as trust? Struggle no more with trust. You CANNOT TRUST your husband. Period. Not at all. He has clearly shown this to be true. So, don't bother with it until there has been a sufficient NEW HISTORY of his behaviour which indicates that there can be trust.
The idea in view in both Dr. Dobson's and Dr. Harley's plans is to first, demonstrate to the wayward spouse that you are willing and able to forgive the indiscretions IF THEY STOP (Plan A), then secondly, to clearly demonstrate, IN ACTION, that you are UNWILLING to tolerate his behaviour any longer (Plan B).
Plan A also includes exposure of the indiscretions.
The other thing I want to encourage you to do, before you decide to implement any "plan".... is to fully decide whether your marriage is actually worth going to the trouble. You are married only a short time, you are young, and you have no children.
In order to prevent yourself from "going crazy" - you need to "detach" from your husband's actions, recognizing that they have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It is not because you are in any way deficient, unloving, or a poor wife. THIS IS HIM and HIS PROBLEM. You do not cause him to use pornography, or to have telephone or internet affairs. If he is to be "well" and free from these addictions, it will have to be HIS ACTIONS on behalf of HIMSELF which lead him to wellness.
If you decide that the marriage isn't worth the long-term, painful commitment you will have to make to save it, then don't waste another day of your life. Get a lawyer and move on.
If you decide that it is worth saving, and that you want to make the sacrifices necessary to do so, the message you must deliver IN ACTION to your husband is this....
"...I do not want, nor will I accept, a lying, philandering, porn-watching sloth for my husband....and I am not going to live with one any longer...."
"....I only want, and I DESERVE TO HAVE... a faithful, sacrificing, loving, Godly man for my husband... and I will accept nothing less. I am ready to be your loving and faithful and serving Christian wife, when you are ready to meet my standards.... but until then, no deal.... I am going on with my life, and if I am still available at the time you decide that you want ME and OUR LIFE TOGETHER and are going to HONOR YOUR VOWS that you made before God and witnesses, we can THEN talk about a reconciliation plan.....but don't wait too long....."
Last edited by tfkeel; 06/20/08 08:20 AM.
