I think my way of subconsciously lashing out is to avoid doing things that I know she wants me to do. After a bout of her yelling at me telling me why I am an idiot who is incapable of doing anything right, I lose motivation to do all those things she wants me to do. I still have the energy for things I want to do, though. But I didn't used to feel this way before she started berating me, hence why I suspect this is me subconsciously lashing out. And then even if I do the things she wants because I know I have to, because I don't want to do them I don't do them as well as if I did want to do them, which leads to her getting upset about me doing things half-[censored].

As always, thank you very much for the advice. The insight I get on this forum is amazing, and every day I learn a little more and have my eyes opened a little wider to the way relationships really work.

A, there is a general rule. Not only should you not do something your spouse is unenthusiastic about, you should avoid doing stuff you are unenthusiastic about. If you do something you really don't want to do, just because your spouse asks you, it will build resentment. I know, BTDT.

I don't really like to clean. However, I really like a clean house. Therefore, I enthusiastically clean in order to have a clean house. Sometimes I may enthustiastically do something with/for my spouse that I wouldn't normally choose on my own because I like a happy spouse. The dilemma you face is that you never get the payoff of the happy spouse.

BTW, in my book avoiding doing what she wants you to do is not "lashing out." "Lashing out" is an angry outburst designed to inflict maximum harm. Avoiding stuff is part annoying habit (procrastination) and a passive-aggressive mechanism.

Once again, I suggest you practice saying "No." Don't say yes to stuff you don't want to do.

As for the bouts of her yelling, you shouldn't tolerate that behavior. If she yells, say "Stop," in a calm assertive manner. If she doesn't, tell her you will discuss the matter later when she can speak to you respectfully, then leave the area. I know she pulls this stuff in the car on the way to work. I suggest you drive. If she yells, pull over on the side of the road. Take the keys and get out of the car.

Sticking up for yourself may not save your marriage, but it will save your self worth, your self respect and more. It also will definitely change the dynamics of the relationship. Your wife will either stop yelling and verbally accosting you, or she'll leave, or you'll decide to leave her.