Infidelity, the gift that lasts. I didn’t see it coming. Last night my husband told me that one of his very good friends (I’ll call him J) has moved out of the marital home and is having an affair. This guy is/was an awesome worship leader, pianist and vocalist and well known in the local Christian community. Since this came down, he has stepped down and walked away from the church. He says he is not walking away from God but he is really confused.

He and his wife have been married for 10 years. She is 10 years older than him and they have no children.

Yesterday when my husband was sharing this with me he said that he talked to J for over two hours to try and help him. He said he didn’t condemn him but was just “there” for him. He said that J said his family and friends warned him not to marry an older woman. J told my husband that his wife was too controlling and gave an example that she would not even let him get a dog! Huh?

J said he was shocked at himself and that he would have never thought he’d find himself in this position. It just happened. The OW is a customer. J has moved out and is living in a hotel. He says he’s done. Said they started disconnecting three years ago, sleeping in separate rooms, going their own way.

They have gone to “some” counseling but J really doesn’t want to work it out. Says he’s sorry and feels bad for his wife, but actually has no emotional connection to her anymore.

Sound familiar?

Here’s MY problem. When my husband asked me what he should do, how to help J without condemning him because he already knows what he’s doing is wrong, I told him that he should tell him that every excuse he came up with is BS and actually not very original. I told him that J is “rewriting” history and lying to himself.

I told him that he has betrayed his wife in the worst way possible and there was nothing manly about the way he did it. I said probably the worst part for her was not the fact that he left, but that he left because of an affair. I said if he wanted a divorce, then he should have done that FIRST and then waited for a long time to heal and THEN move on. But the way he’d done it was horrible and that his wife was probably devastated.

Then I said that I would like to get in touch with his wife to help HER even though I don’t know her very well. My husband freaked out and told me he did not want me contacting her or stirring anything up. He asked what I would say to her. I told him that I would send her straight to MB. That’s when he said, what’s that going to do? There are a lot of crazies on there. (He happen to read one of the crazier threads recently.) He said she has already called J’s father and his father is coming to town to talk to J. I said good for her! She did the right thing.

But my mouth dropped. He knows how I feel about MB and has even stated once or twice that some day he’s going to post on here to help others. I told him that MB was the BEST place that she could go to get help. He said why, it’s just a chat room. Ughhhh! I then said if you’d read more of it you would see it’s much more than that!

He then further said, you know J has a point. I know what he’s doing is wrong but I’ve always thought his wife was controlling too and I’ve always said I couldn’t figure out why he married someone 10 years older. What???

The more he talked, I could feel myself becoming angry all over again. Why? Because I recognize this “fogspeak” now and it was coming out of my husband’s mouth. It’s like we were back at D-Day and I was reliving everything, the emotions, the pain, the hurt. It’s been FOUR years and it all came rushing back.

My husband was upset that I was upset. He said, you know, this isn’t me. I’m not the one who’s doing this. I’m home. We’ve healed. I thought things were good for us now. Please don’t blame me for what J is doing.

I did apologize to my husband for over-reacting and triggering (big time!) but today I’m depressed and sad. Wondering if there are any REAL Christians out there. Questioning my own faith. Wondering if our marriage is truly recovered or if we’ve just been getting along to get along. Why am I dealing with this stuff all over again?

Sorry this is so long. Not sure what I’m asking. Maybe just a vent.

It's the EVIL ONE trying to cause you TO DOUBT and your H is being influenced by his friend.

FOR YOUR MARRIAGE'S SAKE, it might be best for your H to stay away from "THE FRIEND"..EVIL FORCES brewing...

Like an alcoholic hanging out with a friend who drinks...

STAND TALL..PUT ON YOUR ARMOR..don't let THEM bring you down to their level...

I sooo UNDERSTAND this as I said on the other thread.

TURN TO THE LORD, Princess. TURN TO HIM. Have FAITH and TRUST in ONLY HIM..NO HUMAN..when others forsake you, HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU..TURN IT OVER TO HIM..

HE will take care or YOU..no matter what, Princess...

PRAY: "Come into my heart LORD JESUS..Come in today..."

That's what I was thinking too. But I know him and he won't walk away from a friend in need. J was there for him when we were going through our stuff.

I did tell him that I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought when it hits so close to home and that maybe it'd be better if he didn't share anymore details with me.

That's one of the things I love about my husband is his heart for others but I really don't think I can handle this.

BUT..Your H's MAIN FOCUS should be on what's BEST for YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE. That's one of the ESSENTIALS of RECOVERY to PROTECT your MARRIAGE...

You should not SACRIFICE..this should be AGREEABLE to BOTH of YOU and in the best interest of BOTH of YOU...

Guess what, your husband is now the toxic friend and cheerleader.

Princess, DON'T DOWNPLAY THE POWER OF THE AFFAIR ADDICTION!!

I really, really think him spending time with that "FRIEND" is DANGEROUS for your MARRIAGE.

Remember, with him NOW being a WAYWARD, it is not REALLY him. Your H may feel like it's HIM..but he is now AN ALIEN BEING disguised as YOUR FRIEND...

WE are BAD and the FRIEND is OK???????

Wow, I really hate to hear of this situation, PM. I can totally understand why you are down.

Unfortunately, this is something I can relate to, and am not sure how to reconcile. My husband wants to justify, or at least minimize, almost anything his friends do, and then it is far too easy for me to see the immorality as his problem as well as theirs. He doesn't feel that he is giving his friends a "pass", but that he is just helping them by being a good friend.

To me, it is the very same mentality that I struggled with my teenagers on, when they wanted to hang out with friends who did drugs, because they believed that their mere friendship would help the druggies. We went around and around over the fact, that although my kids were not doing the drugs, that simply hanging out and being nice, didn't really better the others' lives, but would just drag my children down. They thought I was being controlling. Hey maybe I was; I'm the mother! But when my husband thinks I'm controlling him, then we have problems!

However, I feel he should have enough respect for me, and for the institution of marriage, to remove himself from those situations in which he seemingly enables adulterers.

Are there any vets here who can give insight as to how they would deal with a spouse befriending an unrepentant adulterer, who they claim to be helping? What would they need to do to qualify as actually helping?

PrincessMeggy, I encourage you to not give up on Christians. Yes, there are many who live good clean lives and consistently adhere to right principles. Far too many compromise, but many do not. Hang in there! Maybe you can be used in your church to be a shining light to others who think no one is real. You can be the exception. I am praying for you.

It seems like Princess is learning that her H is too early in his own Recovery or not yet strong enough to HELP in order to not be sucked in...

I like your analogy of teenagers hanging out with the druggies..

With a SPOUSE, it is not at all about CONTROL, they need to reach POJA on this..

Our RECOVERY has been almost 5 years, Princess. Maybe my H is a bit further along. He is REPULSED by ADULTERERS and steers way, way clear of them..even friends...EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS is a biggy with him as I have often shared...

Not a vet and offering more a word of caution than advice. My H's affair started with an offer from OW to give female perspective on marital difficulties. Thought she could help because she'd been there. Instead they fell in love. Don't think PM's FW will fall in love with J,since there is no opposite gender factor, but the offenses seem much lighter when there is someone sharing that view.
Mimi- just posted on Recovery between work, school and soccer. I was looking for you! Thanks Turk

Sorry to hear of your pain PM.

First off, I am assuming the spouse knows. If not, the BS should be told immediately.

A unrepentant adulterer, IMHO, should be removed from the life of family and friends until such a time as that person stops what they are doing. When they want help turning from their sin...be there for them...until then, walk away as their sin only detracts from your life. When you lay down with dogs...you get fleas.

This is very concerning to me. You are, apparently, currently the only voice of reason in your H's life, and with him being so influence-able I would not want to cut him off from that. Plus, if he gets sucked farther and farther into the wayward mindset, wouldn't you need to know?

This "friend" is toxic and should be avoided - that would be the best for your marriage.

I wonder if perhaps your H is reluctant to openly condemn this man's actions, because in so doing he is condemning his own? In order to do that, a repentant FWS must have the fullest possible idea of the devastation their own actions caused their family. Then and only then, from a position of strength, will they be able to unhesitatingly speak out against adultery in others without feeling any taint of hypocrisy.

((((((((Princess)))))))))))

Honey, Mimi is right (of course, should you doubt???). He needs to end this relationship.......

His friend needs him, but YOU need his support....which is more important to him????

This is your marriage we are talking about.

Honey, I am sorry you are going through this. I gotta run, but will try to get on later and read more of this......hang in there sweetie, and IGNORE the fogspeak....you RECOGNIZE IT, you spoke your truth, now let it lie......

but get rid of the friend.....


not2fun

There is the condition of the marriage and the A. H needs to communicate this.

J probably does have some points regarding the condition of the marriage.

But....H should have much more empathy to the BS and the pain his friend is inflicting on her. As a person in a position of influence on his friend, H should communicate that an A is never appropriate. His message needs to be consistent.

And lastly, H does not fully recognize either the devastation of a BS after an A or does not recognize the value MB offers to a BS.

I AGREE!!

I can understand your triggers. They're nasty when they happen.

But I do offer you some food for thought:

The religion isn't flawed, it's the people who practice it that are.

I'm Catholic. I believe in the teachings of the church. The members of the church are all sinners and, expectedly, will fail and sin and be flawed. But the teachings of the church offer a path to redemption and guidance when lost.

Remember the Prodigal Son. The father is always happy to have his wayward son return. The good son who stayed wondered why there were never any parties for him since he was always good and did what he was supposed to. Why celebrate when a son who is flawed returns home?

But there is joy when a lost son turns again to the light. Isn't it written that there is much rejoicing in heaven when a son returns to the church?

So don't think badly of Chritianity. The faith is solid. The teachings are sound. The practitioners are flawed and sinners. We all are, no matter what religion we prescribe to.

J loosing your H's friendship over his adultery is a "natural consequence" of his very poor choice to cheat. I hope it happens and that your H tells J why he's ending their friendship.

As far as exposing to the BW, I think that also needs to happen. But I think it needs to be POJA'd between you and your husband first.

Jo

Thank you all for your replies. I agree that H should stay away from J and that it's really dangerous for our marriage for him to "support" J in a non-judgmental way through this. You're right. J needs to experience the consequences of his choices.

I want to contact her very badly but I won't do it if my H is asking me not to do so.

I'm going to talk to my H this evening again about all of this and explain a little better than I did yesterday. Thanks for clarifying what I couldn't express. I knew it "felt" wrong but I wasn't sure how to say it or what to do about it.

If H doesn't agree, then I'll go from there.