One morning while at the computer, I noticed my wife's cell phone next to me and her text messages open. I don't know why (or maybe subconsciously I do) but I decided to look at them. I saw one that seemed "suspicious", so I asked her about it. She explained it to me but I could see that she felt hurt that I distrusted her. She has never given me any reason not to trust or have faith in her. Unfortunately, a past marriage brought up terrible feelings of betrayal and I acted on them.

Once again, now a few months later, as I'm looking at our cell records, I question a couple calls/texts (different number/area/person). Once again, these past feeling come welling to the top of me and I explode with accusations, again, having no reason to distrust her.

She has a new job that is an hour away and stays at a place we have over there a couple nights a week to avoid the long commute. She stayed there last night and told me to leave her alone (which I did). She said she feels like I am always watching over her shoulder and can't trust her and she has now has no reason to trust me.

I love my wife dearly and she is like no other person I have ever met. It seems everyone who meets her takes a liking to her and her personality right away. This gives me feelings of insecurity that another man likes what he sees and would like to have her for his own. I know she chose me but I this feeling always creeps back into me.

We have separate bank accounts and cell phones but they have been linked together. She is changing that today as she says she just can't trust me and doesn't want to be in a marriage with no trust. What do I do? I know I need to follow through and show her that I can be trusted but right now, she wants nothing to do with me. Its killing me! My worst fear has always been of losing her yet it seems I pushed her away.

I guess I just needed to get this out and maybe get some advice. She said she wants to be left alone, but it is tough for me. I haven't said or heard an "I love you" for the last couple of days. Its horrible.

Thanks for listening.

A new job away from home that involves staying overnight a couple of nights a week is a recipe for disaster.

Also there should be no secrets in a marriage. If my husband was upset about something I was doing, I would be sympathetic and go out of my way to ease his mind, UNLESS I was hiding something.

I would put a keylogger on the computer and see what shows up. Also check to see WHO those phone numbers belong to. You can do it through Intellius, I think.

So your sex life is good, you spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together, and the marriage is fine?

Yes, sex life is great! We spend more than 15 hrs a week together doing fun things and the marriage is fine. Its almost like a "can this be true?" marriage compared to my past.

I will also say that the job she had for the three years prior to this she was on the road 2-3 days a week also. Things were great then too.

Also just realized that I put this in the "Infidelity" forum. Not what I intended to do.

HP,

I'm sorry but you may have good reason to post this in the Infidelity Forum. Follow the advise that you have been given and check out those numbers. People with nothing to hide ar not usually so defensive.

Have you read HNHN and/or LB? It sounds like you need to learn to fulfill your W's EN. Her love bank appears to be very low. Either you are killing her love for you with unwarranted jealousy or she is using your insecurity and past jealousy to hide her own unfaithfulness. Either way, you owe it to your marriage to find out.

God's Blessings,

Say

I believe it is her new boss of two weeks.

I have read HNHN and LB, during the flailing/failing of my first marriage.

I definitely need to work on filling her LB. She is always doing this for me, but it seems I have to be reminded from time to time...

HP,

""She said she feels like I am always watching over her shoulder and can't trust her and she has now has no reason to trust me.""

(no reason to trust YOU??)

Sounds like "FOGBABBLE". If it is fogbabble, then she is in the fog. A person is in the fog because they are having an A.

""She stayed there last night and told me to leave her alone (which I did)."" Fogbabble and extreme over-reacting.

UNLESS..."Once again, these past feeling come welling to the top of me and I explode with accusations, again, having no reason to distrust her.""....when you are "exploding" are you turning red in the face, veins popping out of your neck and spittle flying from your mouth?

If you are losing it and ranting and raving and scaring your wife half to death then STOP IT!! This may be draining her love bank.

I can never understand why married couples have separate bank accounts. Seems like this unnecessary privacy would be too tempting to abuse. Plus why hide the amount of $$, if it is hidden.

Can you each review each others bank statement when ever one wishes?

Anyway...STOP WITH THE LBs (love busters, directly from HN/HN) but continue snooping, albeit surreptitiously.

Lastly, "She is changing that today as she says she just can't trust me and doesn't want to be in a marriage with no trust."

This seems way too fogbabbleish, over the top, very extreme words from her. Did she say this right after you exploded at her? And again, she not trusting you?? BECAUSE YOU DON'T TRUST HER?? Throw in a little gaslighting here!!

How long have you been married?

Seems like something is up, my friend.

IMHO

kirk

HP,

""I believe it is her new boss of two weeks.""

What did I miss here? You believe it is her new boss doing what?

Thanks.

Here's a note to me that was left by my FWW, to me, on her Yahoo account DURING HER AFFAIR:



Krazy, I really hope you are not taking the time to check in on this account. If you are, then I know you are not working on your trust issues at all. This is the first time that I have logged into this account in ages and the only reason why is to leave you this note. Today is March 18, 2005, the day after we had our long discussion on how we were going to try and change a few things. If you are looking at this then I take that to mean that you are not willing to change after all and you are sneaking around behind my back trying to see if I am doing anything wrong vs. trusting me. I hope that I am wrong.

Love,
FWW



Any of that sound familiar?

The one calling all the time and the one who sent the txtmsg at 1am. Like a "hey, I made it home" thing.

If you verify that it's him, then you need to out him to his superiors AND HIS SUBORDINATES.

A new boss will have a hard time gaining much respect if he's outed to all of his employees in explicit detail.

If my FWW had been sleeping with her boss, I would've put flyers on the windshield of every car in the parking lot.

Oh, and if you two decide to try and reconcile, she has to quit that job immediately...if you haven't already gotten her fired by outing her boss, which is OK, too.

HP,

Krazy71 said "hard time gaining much respect if he's outed to all of his employees in explicit detail."

Plus a sexual harassment suit brought by YOU against the company should take care of any retirement worries you may have.

So your W (dare I say WW?) Is going out with her friends and her NEW BOSS? WHO IS TEXTING HER AT 1AM letting her know that he got home safe??

Do you know these friends good enough to talk to them about the after hours encounters and ask them casually IF THEY WERE THERE!!??

My only reservation is concerning the extent of your explosions to her of which you spoke. Were they significant enough that she would fear for her well being?

If they were not, then you have a serious problem. Her turning the trust issue back onto you is fogbabble and gaslighting, which is a very good indicator that you need to act quickly.

First you need some substantial proof. Next time she announces where she is going with the "gang" drop by and check it out. Check with her "friends", maybe they can't wait to tell you but don't know how to approach you.

Get a GPS dealio and put it in her car.

Also a voice activated tape recorder has worked well for some. In her car, or in her office. OR IN THE APARTMENT YOU BOTH OWN THAT SHE STAYS IN!! Oh yeah, that's the ticket!!

With that proof, then you confront and expose to all if required, if she will not quit the job and NC this OM.

I hope I am wrong!!

Good luck and stay strong!!

kirk

HP,

Just one more thing....HP, what is your GUT telling you? Since you have been here/there before with your first M, I would think your gut would be very sensitive to picking up untruths.

It's like you are trying to ignore your instincts and denying what may be going on. Which is very understandable.

Hope you are doing OK.

kirk

HP,

My 2nd post up, I believe I confused this thread with another thread where the wife is going out with some single friends and an OM after moving to a new house closer to her work.

Disregard any thing that does not make sense to you. (which could be most of the post )

Thanks for all of the replies. I guess I'm not sure what my gut is telling me. I feel like I've had trust and/or controlling issues from the past that I didn't completely deal with. So, on Monday, I'm going to speak to a counselor about all this stress I have.

Honestly, I can say that I really should have no reason to suspect an A. My wife is awesome to me. We have great talks, spend almost all of our free-time together, sex is great, she loves my son like he was her own, and on and on... Looking at our relationship, I've come to learn that one of her most needed EN is hearing how I feel about her. I never miss an opportunity to say she is gorgeous (no matter morning or night), that she is awesome, or that her a$$ looks great in those jeans. And to top it all off, she is always all over me, touching me, kissing me, telling me how smart and handsome I am, and her favorite expression "you have such a great a$$, as we're hugging and she reaches down and grabs it! lol Does this sound like a R that is out of whack? After writing all of this, is sure doesn't to me. Could it be that, being the extreme analytical person that I am, x+y must always = z, that I'm out of touch with my heart and/or reality?

So, to answer your question krusht, my mind tells me "yes" but my heart tells me "no".

Just to add, after writing all of that, I feel sooo much better (at least I've lowered my BP a little!).

I must also mention that she mentioned my four day weekend next weekend where I will be coming to stay over there. She was talking to my son about it and said the two of us (my son and I) should come over and pick her up at work and go to lunch on Friday. It will be my first opportunity to meet the man I have questions about as I'm sure she'll introduce us to everyone at her new place of employment...

I was gaslighted into thinking I was being paranoid/controlling/insecure/jealous, too.

We even went to counseling to try and resolve MY issues.

Maybe the fact that she a f_ckbuddy on the side for 3.5 years had something to do with it.

Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt... It amazes me looking back that I fell for it. Man do I feel STUPID.

Now I get to start to pay back the help I've received here!

HauntedPast - I'm in a somewhat similar situation as yours:

- Married before, divorced due to 1st W's infidelity - twice with the same OM
- Second marriage, not perfect, some LB's
- VERY attractive and talented 2nd W - very kind, loved by all, the BEST Christian and moral values

But here's the difference! I'm 6 months out from D-day (discovery) of an A by the woman NO ONE would believe would ever have an affair. Unfortunately, I was in that group of believers.

I do not have as finely honed Affair-dar (ADAR as in RADAR) as the experts here, but my red flags are out in force on this one!

Please listen and follow any suggestions or advice that seems reasonable and plausible to you here. I found this site after the A had been going on for months. By the woman I thought would NEVER have an affair. She knew I was extremely sensitive to adultery yet did it anyway. The statements your W made that you have posted here are almost identical to the letter of what my WW said, too. Don't be fooled, intimidated or put off by FOG BABBLE!

The fact that you might think she would never do it simply means that you are ripe for the plucking, sir, if you catch my meaning!

Don't hesitate to think and react, but with your brain, not your emotions! The help I received from reading and posting here may haved saved my sanity and my marraige. It can do the same for you if it turns out that you are an A situation, which it sure looks that way to me. Hope not, but...

I will say a prayer for you and your family - I hope we're all wrong here, but as I said, all of my red flags are flying! Good Luck - stick right here, keep reading and posting and don't be afraid to get a plan going - PRONTO!!

PS - we are in the beginning stages of recovery, but I remember my WW looking right at the MC while I'm sitting next to her, and denying the A was going on.

So ... continue to meet here EN's and be the best husband while continuing to snoop since I have no real evidence? Tough, tough, tough ...

I agree that you need to carefully snoop in smart ways that will be undetected until you learn more.

I hate to tell you that your wife's reactions seem extreme and defensive. To me, her saying now she can't trust you, is a huge red flag. If she isn't in a full-blown affair, it's at least possible that she is well on her way and has begun to have inappropriate feelings and conversation. I can't think of a good reason that she and her new boss need to text each other to say "I made it home safe." Something seems "off" to me.

Of course she will be very angry if you cut this off at the pass, but it sure beats standing back and watching her throw herself into an affair, just to keep from hurting her feelings.