I wanted to post this on the other thread but it is gone now. It's something I had been thinking about and a post reminded me of it, because I wanted to throw it out here before and talk about it. It might help, maybe.

I have often thought about this when BS's end up having their own affair and someone asks them, "How could you?"

This is my theory, maybe it's been covered before, I don't know.

I think that for some, the pain experienced from infidelity tends to wane with time, almost like a defense mechanism.

I'm thinking along the lines of when your body experiences a terrible accident, or even a lesser accident, your mind makes you "disremember" the pain. You remember it but almost like it's a shadow.

Am I making sense? I'm trying!

Anyway, I feel that this happens sometimes with BS's after infidelity. Do you think that might be a reason some of them end up doing the very thing that hurt them so badly?

And I'm not even speaking of "revenge affairs." Just in general.

Charlotte

If I catch your drift...you are hypothesizing that because the trauma the BS experiences as the victim of an A is so great, that they may block that pain (or that the pain disappears over time) to where they are willing to inflict it on someone else?

I don't exactly agree. I think that no matter the pain that an A inflicts, when you are the WS, you are not thinking of the pain you are causing. It's not about what you are doing to your spouse at all, it's about what you are doing for yourself. I think that BS's are just as susceptible to the fog if they fall into the trap of allowing their ENs to be met by another. I don't think they are capable of doing it because they have "blocked" their memory of the pain of their WS's A. I think they do it because it feels good and they IGNORE the consequences of their actions just as their WS did.

In the end, I think the ability to have an A is within us all. It doesn't matter if we have felt the pain it can inflict. An A is a selfish act. It's not about the pain you inflict, it's about the pleasure you receive. My H knew that what he was doing would be hurtful to me (maybe not to what degree) and he was able to do it because he felt a need for the pleasure he was receiving from the A.

Great point!!

Thank you, htm!!

Anyone else care to chime in?

Yep, I did this. It was called CHILDBIRTH. lol

In the thickest part of the labor (good word for it, btw) you swear on everything holy that you are NEVER having another child...EVER...and that your H is NEVER gonna touch you again.

Our minds forget that pain though. A few weeks or months go by and he IS touching you. A couple years later, and you are back in that labor and delivery suite, chanting that mantra yet again.

Yes, I had two kids.

committed

That's probably why our bodies forget. Otherwise the human race might die out, ain't it?

Dang you beat me to it....I thought of the same thing...


I agree with HTM....I think that any WS does not think about the consequences and when they do they run away from them as fast they can, thinking it will never catch up with them......

Again, it all boils down to boundaries and protection of the marriage. Maybe a BS thinks that they can "control" these things, that they are privy to certain "relationships" because they would not do that.

not2fun

In a nutshell.

I was thinking about the things that we KNOW we wouldn't do too.

I can say that I wouldn't kill anyone...but that's not true, because if someone was beating my child, or even my dog, I would. I would do whatever I had to do to protect my child, and to get them to stop, if that means shooting them dead, so be it.

I could say that I would never steal, but if my kids were starving, you bet I would. I would steal food to feed them.

People do all kinds of things that they say they would NEVER do. Circumstances have to be just right, stars in order, or Jupiter aligned with Mars. It will happen.

I have stolen before.

I "stole" money out of my WS (who is now deceased) pocket. He would come in tanked, forget about his paycheck he had just cashed, and I would raid his pockets while he slept it off. When he woke, he would think that he had "lost" it at the bar the night before.

I considered it stealing because it wasn't money that I had earned. It was HIS. I have not been able to wrap my brain around it being anything than stealing. I just know that I would never be able to pass a polygraph on stealing because I feel that I stole.

I needed the money to keep a roof over the heads of my children, and to feed them.

It never occurred to him that I could have been the one taking the money because of my moral standard. It didn't allow for stealing...and how heinous is that, to steal from your own spouse!

I have come to realize that a person cannot ever really say "never".

committed

It was not and never will be stealing. It is a mans job to bring his pay home. He stole from his family by wasting his pay in bars.

Once you marry your #1 priority is to support your family first.

I was raised Southern Baptist...Grandfather was the minister, my Dad was the minister of our church later.

Stealing was taking anything that didn't belong to you.

It was all pretty cut and dried...therein lies the difficulty for me.


It's mine to own I guess.

committed

So very untrue.

People can be pushed to do things that are out of their norm for a GOOD outcome.

I would kill to protect those that are in need of protection. I would steal to feed the hungry rather than let them starve.

I would NOT murder to gain some horrible advantage. I would never steal for personal gain.

I would NEVER have an affair because of what it does to others. There is no good outcome...it is stealing, murdering, raping for personal gain. No matter what the circumstances are...
It would never happen. Can you say you would NEVER rape someone???? Can you say that you would never molest a child???? Do you really need to know that given the right circumstances that you could commit a crime that heinous??? Come on people...this is not rocket science.

That is sad. There should be a multitude of things that you can say you would NEVER do.

The childbirth example is a bit "childish." The outcome there is a good one...you endure the pain to achieve a wonderful gift.

I agree 150% with medc. I was thinking along the same lines just was not sure how to word it... but he did it for me.

Well, at least you didn't disappoint with your point of view.

I am sure that alot of women can relate to the example that I gave.

I am sure that a man wouldn't be able to relate to the example, so you are excused.

committed

I was sure that you would.


committed

Well, I am not a rocket scientist, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express one night.

committed

MEDC,

Uh oh, its the topic that never dies! Since the last go around I've had some time to think about it some more. For what it's worth, I do agree with you for the most part. I don't believe when faced with the choice I would have an A either.

The thing is that most of the teachings here are about depersonalizing the A so that recovery can be achieved. It's done that way for a reason, because if the BS viewed the A as a personal attack on them the chances for recovery would be nil. Teaching that we are all capable of an A puts the BS and the WS on an even playing field and takes some of the sting out of the actual choice.

Since I'm actively trying to recovery my M, it would be hurtful to my DW to say what you are saying. Mostly because she said exactly the same thing. I would have bet my life on the fact. Of course, that wasn't that case though.

One thing that bugs me about this is that we are taught throughout life that you are innocent until proven guilty. To this point, you and I are both innocent because we have never failed the test. So to admit we could be guilty of something we have not done yet goes against our beliefs. KWIM?

Want2Stay

Obviously not.

W2S...can you honestly say that you would...given the right circumstances...be capable of ANYTHING???

If not, the "never say never" idea is wrong.

Do you KNOW you would never rape someone...no matter the test?
Do you KNOW you would never molest a child..no matter the test?

Do you agree that adultery is worse than rape? If so...why is it that you cannot KNOW you would never do that??? Is it SOLELY because we don't want the WS here to feel bad that they did something that some are not capable of doing???

As it stands right now, I KNOW that I would do ANYTHING to save my child. ANYTHING.

The mother instinct is too strong for me to state otherwise.

committed

That is sad beyond measure.