Just looking for some thoughts and discussion here. At what point in a new relationship can/should/would you start applying MB principals? On the first date? When you first become exclusive? Upon marriage only? Can anything from MB principals be applied to selecting people to date? For example, people who travel a lot for work, or people who work shifts may have difficulty meeting the 15 hour per week quality time together - should you avoid dating these kind of people?

Have any of you used MB principals, even as a guideline, in new relationships - even at the early stages?

Well, first I'd have to find someone, anyone to date.

Okay, so are you applying anything you have learned here in your search? Have you thought about the type of "date" you will be when you find him?

I'm just wondering. A lot of MB can be applied to many areas in life. But especially those of us moving on to new relationships. I for one do not want to make the same mistakes as before. OTOH, I don't think bringing the EN questionairre on the first date would necessarily go over too well. So where do you start? Can it start as early as the actual screening process? What elements can be applied first?

I avoid LBs on principle.

However, I do not go out of my way to meeting Emotional Needs until after the relationship is committed. This is because if I go out of my way, it takes effort. I want to find a person with who may natural actions deposit a lot of points, otherwise, the relationship will be a lot of work. I follow POJA while we're together but not in everything in my life until I got engaged. We meet the 15 hours, I think, but I don't really keep track. I have a gut feeling when we're not spending as much time together.

I think once we're married, the 15 hours may take more effort. It's so easy to coast once your spouse has said "I do."

(OT: Which leads me to wonder about the same sex couples who are getting married in San Fran. If they've been living together, but don't have a "civil union" or other contract, I wonder how their relationships will change post-ceremony. That would be a really interesting study of the "marriage changes everything" theory, because unlike hetero couples, homosexual couples couldn't marry even when they wanted to, so the "living together before marriage" stats may not apply.)

This is actually a pretty key statement, especially considering how many people here re-examine their M's after adultery and realize they were NOT depositing a lot of points. I'm not sure all the reasons for this - surely part of it is the fact that our ENs do change over the years. But I would think part of it has to do with exactly what you said about "natural actions".

When you first start seeing someone, even before it has entered your head that this may be a potential relationship, you are going to respond in some way to those natural actions. However, they may not really be "natural" actions in the sense that the person you are on a date with is likely going to be on his/her best behavior, nervous as well as trying to make a good impression. Truly natural actions may not come out until way further down the road. I would argue that WstbxH's "natural" actions didn't surface until after we were married. By this time, the person who I thought would enjoy socializing with me and joining clubs and recreational activities with me (he did all this pre-M) suddenly was a complete introvert who just wanted to stay home and watch TV. I actually went to a wedding on my own because he didn't want to go (hockey playoffs or something). I had always felt he was dishonest with me and we even discussed it many times but sure enough, he only did those things to impress me and once he had me, he wanted nothing to do with that lifestyle again.

So I regard my D as a chance to start over and find that person who really can fill my ENs. I have a better idea of what they are now and how important each one is. But I also have a great mistrust of first, second, third, even fourth impressions. So are there ways to screen people based on MB principles without actually pulling out the questionaire? (I personally would be freaked out if a guy pulled out an EN questionaire on the first date - not only are some of my ENs personal and private to be shared only with someone close but I don't think dating should resemble a job interview either)

And on the flip side, how do I determine what someone's ENs are so I can evaluate if I'm able to meet them or not? I actually do know my natural actions but meeting someone for the first time, I may quash them as well. Some of the common ENs are not what you would talk about or participate in on a first date - what would you say if a guy told you his top EN was SF and wanted to know if you could fulfill that on a first date???!!!

Well, if his top EN was sf and he wanted that fullfilled on the first date, I'd have to say I was NOT the lady for him!

I think you can start applying things you learn here was the relationship has been going on a while and it looks to be exclusive and working towards something more in the future. At that point I would start talking about this site and what you have learned and hope that he would want to learn too. BECAUSE, when a relationship starts to become serious, and if you want your foundation to be built on MB principles (which is not a bad thing) and he does not buy into MB principles, I think you are going to have a hard time. I don't feel that many, if any, of MB's principles can be compromised on. I think they are a pretty good foundation to have.

exbf did not buy into mb principles. Once we started getting serious and talking marriage, he was still not very interested in them. No POJA, no respecting of boundaries, no listening openly to both sides. SO, really, there was no way it was going to work.

just my humble opinion.

me, too!

Eh, trust me, dating is NOT all it is cracked up to be.

I am happily avoiding it as of late.

Enjoy the singleness ladies! woohoo!

dating is a learning experience, going out and having fun while meeting people is also a learning experience, but there are different expectations for each. People can view dating as spouse hunting, not in the game and rifle sense, but in the searching sense. That is when the different set of behaviors may enter the situation.

However, if the outlook on life can be changed to just meeting people and having fun, with the premise that one is not looking for a date, or a spouse, then the behaviors from both people can be seen as more natural, and more telling.

Group activities become a better socialization landscape then one on one dating. within a group there are dynamics which can be observed indirectly, how does the person treat others? What does the person do in small emergencies or accidents or mechanical breakdowns?

observing these behaviors before one on one dating can weed out the lousy prospects. However, the trick is to overcome introversion, if that is one's characteristic, to become more extroverted. Extroverts tend to jump too quickly, introverts tend to have a hard time getting started and staying going. . .

MB principles do not have to be applied to everyone all the time, because you are not in a relationship with everyone all the time, or anyone, until you decide to be in a couple relationship. Then you can start to apply MB, but not completely. You still have to guard yourself against assuming too much of a relationship without the SO believing in the same level of relationship engagement.

just some wiftty drivvle. . .

wiffty

This is some of the best advice I have read in a long time. Meeting new people, observing their actions in different situations is a healthy way to determine if someone is right for you. Perhaps just as a friend, or something more.

When someone is actively searching for a "date", expectations are too high, they want too much to fast. When someone is just hanging loose, looking for fun (with or without a date), then the prospects of meeting someone special is much greater.

In short, you are more likely to find someone when you are NOT looking then when you are!

That is my $.02...