Hi everyone. Im new to the forums . I have been lurking for a couple of days. Found out a lot Anyway to get right to my piont how do you go about exposing an affair with a single guy? My wife has been having an affair with a youg man she has meet in college. He is 30 . My wife is 44....... Going back to school to get her RN. She has admitted the affair but wont stop seeing him. He lives alone and I dont know his name but could probly find out. Wife said she thinks he has never been with a woman before judgeing from his lack of exp as far as what to do with a woman.I think she has lost her mind. Im going to see a lawyer today to CMA. Wife is very active at her college. Probably the top student they have , Si Beta Cappa president,4.0 grade average, has recieved many awards and scollarships. She even started a scolership for poor studends and its named after her. Im needing to know what is the best way to go about exposing this and to whom . Thanks so much Otis.

Find out his name.

He may be married, your WW may have lied about his martial status.

If he's single, find out his parent's names and expose to them....his church?

How about on your WW's side?

Did you expose to her parents? Her family? Your church?

Expose to everyone you think might put pressure on their A.

I will find out his name. Can probly do that through cell phone records and revers look up. He is single. nerd typ, probly a virgen before wife came along. He lives in an aprtment by himself. How would I go about finding his parents? Wifes Dad is 83 in poor health. Her mom is deceased.The thing nearest and dearest to my wife is her standing at her college.I dont really see much power there. Thanks Otis

Hmm.. I see a lot of power there.

BTW - who is paying her tuition?

her tuition has been paid long ago. not by me.I think I need to find out who his family is . How do I go about that. I dont know his name but I have his cell number and know what town he lives in but thats it. Thanks Otis

So, let me get this straight....you know about the affair, and she knows you know about the affair, but she refuses anyway to stop seeing him?


I would shout this from the damn rooftops, right after I cleaned out any joint bank accounts, put it all in my own name, got a lawyer, and FILED.

Seriously.... what in the world do you want with a woman who cares this little about you or your feelings and has so little respect for you?

uhhhhhh....me too.

You probably have your biggest card there.

BUT then again, what is it YOU want????? A divorce or save the marriage???

not2fun

I would like to save the marrige but in all my years ,everytime I have seen this situation it seems to always have the same result.You are a great freind,husband,loveloveloveyou. then wife gets a BF and you get the letter or talk, I hate you always did you did this and that ,bla,bla,bla. I have been doing a lot of reading on here and am somewhat sceptical about plans A+B acually working. I mean really if there that effective why arent people having better results? why are so many posts of the kickem down the road variety? But to be honest if I could get the plan A thing going I would like to give it a shot. I do think this expose the affair concept sounds good but in this situation I do think the best bet is to first find out who the otherM;s family is and go that route or start with some of the facuty at the college that she holds so near and dear. Any specific actions to take to find out this guys stats would be most app. thanks Otis

otis,

You are reading posts from people who are currently in your same situation. Trust that there are many that have had recovery and success with Marriage Builders.

Once you've been around here for a bit, you will see those people as well and they have great words of wisdom for those that are fighting hard to recover or even survive.

Listen to what is being suggested. Exposure is your 1st step. Don't assume that you can't do it because it doesn't look a certain way.

I would like to say thanks for all that have chimed in. I did try to do a reverse lookup on the cell numbers.. Get this My cheating wife is 44....the guy she is with I was told by her at one time was 24 , then another time she told me he just turned 30....OKKKAAY . I did the revers lookup on his cell and he obiously has a prepaid cell as the owner of the phone comes back= Brian Gangsta ,, rotflmao,, I have a gps that I used to use in a truck ,its going under her hood sun so I can get the Ganstas place of domicil. I map quested the address that came with the revers look up and its obviously his parents house. ther is no way anyone ages 6 yrs in a week with a cell name gansta. Im sending the dean of her school who has helped get her 2 scolorships. all the info I can back up, then I think I will drop by his parents and show them a pic of there new inlaw .. they should be about the same age. PS talked to a lawyer today. fell better. As time passes and my suffering continus the times I feel fu%^ her start to increase. the times I blame myself and want her back decrese. There is one thing that really has me confused and If anyone knows whats going on here let me know.. When she got caught and started her typical bull%*it list of all I had done wrong how her affair was my fault, one of the things she said was I made her feel dirty in bed. Heres the deal it was this kind of talk she asked for and is what made her cum.OK get this after she was caught, she has wanted more sex then at any time in her life and she has taken the dirty talk to levels that I never would have concieved. She wants me to call her names that would make a sailer blush and wants sex all the time . I think she is crazy. However most mental illnesses start in the late teens early twenties. its just got me blown away. Has anyone had this happen? "guys". Anyway I will shut up know and thanks all who have responded

otis,

Out of curiousity, how did you do a reverse look up on a cell phone and get a name? What website did you use? I've done reverse lookups but only been able to retrieve names for LAN lines.

Be sure to read all of Dr. Harley's materials on this site, even buy the Surviving An Affair book. If you're trying to save your M, you will need to expose in a way that will not sabotage those efforts (i.e. not out of anger & spite).

Just to clarify, she has told you about this current A and wants to continue in it?

If he's that young, it does sound like she is having some sort of mid-life crisis or something.

Are you the primary Financial Support in your M?

you just punch in reverse lookup in google . The white pages seem to work best but several do the same thing . to get names and addresses you have to pay about 5 bux. If its a cell phone the owner can used a false last name but the address where to contact the owner will be correct. then you can do an adress lookup . Get a prepaid credit card and pay descretly on line for lookups and background checks.Finaces for either one of us are not an issue,, I always though how fortuneate,,mmmmmm .If you can elaberate on how to expose without breaking the last straw I would really app it . . She says she cant stop. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. However says she wants to work at falling in love with me and stays here 5 nights a week and at BFs 2 nights a week. I truely dont know what her real motives are. and the sex thing is just so weired. She does have an extreme amount of emotional pain. my guess and thats all it is has something to with his age or set of cercumstances that right now wont let them have a life of there own. but its just a guess. Im seeing a guy mon who has a 6 year degree in spychology and a lot of other areas. Im hoping he can shed some lite as to whats really going on here. this is crazy

otis,
Go get Surviving An Affair from the book store or the library. It will be good to have that read when you meet with your psychologist. You can read up on many things here on the site as well.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5033a_qa.html

I am very sorry for you. The description of the OM sounds like a total lowlife. I would be very fearful of catching an STD from her. How can you feel comfortable being intimate with her while she has been having sex with this OM?

Hi Otis, I have read your thread and I see the following opportunities:

1. expose to OM's parents. Drive to their house, introduce yourself and ask them to persuade your son to leave your wife alone

2. expose to her college dean, key people at her college

3. have a man to man with the OM and ask him what his intentions are with her and let him know that you will do what it takes to protect your marriage. Tell him he will be hearing from you every time he contacts her in the future and ask him to end contact now

Exposing to his parents will embarrass the OM and cause your W to have second thoughts about her future with the OM. She may not be welcome by the in-laws if they knew her true situation. This will cause great discouragement.

The school exposure will make it harder - possibly - for them carry on their affair at work. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is watching with disgust on their faces.

And lastly, it is possible the OM does not know she is married so speaking to him might be valuable in that aspect. If he does know she is married, he is probably a coward and will cry if you confront him. A manly man doesn't carry on with married women so I would predict he will be scared.

I would suggest doing all this on the same day to get the greatest effect and to prevent them from pre-empting you. If they have any idea of your plan they will pre-empt you and spin you as a jealous nutjob who imagines men are chasing his wife. You don't want that to happen, because it will impair your credibility.

This is the best reponce I have had so far. Thanks everone who has pitched in.Spent some time tonight hooking up A GPS so I can finally find out for sure the stats on the OM. I think my wife has lost here mind to certain extent. So much emotional termiol and stress. She got so upset last night after I calmly told her to tell me what she thought she was putting me through was like,She got so upset she threw up.. never seen that before. Still has herself convinced that she does not need to seek prof help.Cant decide between him or me, witch I think is bulsh&$. I think she belives that at this troubled time for her she somehow deserves any and all attention she can get. She has no self esteem. She is very attractive and has a 4.0 grade average in the RN program she is in.However she will be getting her first B in a class and she is devasted by it. I dont get it. I think she is nuts. But I dont know what I can do. Im also concerned that at this point if I expose this she will be a bucket of warm jellow and end up with a breakdown.. God I hope this Big Brain (psy)Im seeing tommorow can clear some things up for me Again thanks all Its been very helpful. Will keep posting as things play out but right now my common scents says its most likly Big D time

Maybe she is pregnant!

Not preg, monthly vist has recenty came and left.IMHO she is crazy.

You can pay about $100 to a PI to get all the info you need on him. They will tell you his name and that of his nearest relatives, what his full background is, EVERYTHING.

It's worth the $100.

Check into it.

I think I will do that as soon as I get the gps back and find where he lives. Good Idea, thanks Otis