My husband just told me a week ago that he never loved me after 14 1/2 years of marriage and 4 children. He is in military and has been "seeing" another woman he knew in elementary school and reconnected with her through classmates. com. He said that she has nothing to do with him leaving it is just timing and he couldn't take being married to me any longer. That he just isn't happy with me and he can't hide it anymore. She has since left her husband and brought her 2 children from TX to NC. They are staying a hotel till they can find a place to live and is eating up our savings. He also took out a loan to afford a second home. He says he isn't sleeping with her and doesn't plan on it till we are divorced which in NC is at least a year of seperation
He claims he is going to pay for all the bills and mortgage and I keep the house and the kids as long as he can see them anytime he wants. So far kids don't know he has moved out as he comes over every night after work and stays till they are in bed. I can't afford to get a lawyer and he says we can go to legal on base but I have heard they don't look out for the best interest of either party. I just don't know what to do. I love him but if he doesn't love me is there any way we will get back together. Plus with her being here now she has control on him and he says she makes him happier in 2 weeks than he has been in the 14 1/2 years we have been married. I have a history of suicide attempts and so he says everytime he has tried to leave (once before marriage and once about 2 years into marriage) I pulled him back in and he felt obligated to stay.
Please any advice and prayers would be appreciated

Baby, listen to me and I really mean listen. You are a person, someone who other people really do love and and adore - even if it doesn't include your husband right now. Many of us on this board have had thoughts of suicide. The pain that many of us have endured, whether it be through the realization of a bad marriage, a spouse's infidelity or unkindness, tragic losses, or severe depression are just the things that you can at least have some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

Right now, you need to stop thinking about your husband and just think of yourself. He is the one that deserves to feel helpless and alone. Because, in fact, he very much is. There is no goodness or ultimate satisfaction in his actions. His affair is only the ultimate display of some various serious character flaws in himself, flaws that in the end will preempt him from having anything resembling a meaningful and respectable life. Unless he takes control and responsibility for his own actions, he is not now, nor will he ever, be worthy of the kind of love and devotion that you are capable of. There are so many other men out there that would absolutely bend over backwards for someone with your qualities that it is crazy for you to continue beating yourself up over his stupidity.

Karma, baby, that is what will haunt him as long as he continues his hurtful ways. As for you, all the power in the world is in your hands. You will have the understanding and ultimate support from nearly all who know you when it comes to him. Your children will be so much better off with a woman who was true to herself and her resolve rather than with a father that cheated his way.

You have to understand - the hurt that you feel is real. It is something that many of us here have felt just as much as you. But it will get easier and you will soon realize that there is real meaning to it and real expectations from it. You see baby, this is what makes us human. This is what makes us grow. And this is what will seperate you from him and his ridiculous mind. This is where you take the bull by the horns and make your life your own. This is where goodness really gets the pedestal that it desires.

So, get on with your life right now. He is going to fall hard, very hard. And when he does, he will come crying back to you. Put yourself in a position right now to be in control of whether or not he get's what he wants. Because ultimately, it is all about you and those children. You have the support of nearly everyone of this board to make it happen. Happiness is guaranteed to you and it will come soon.

ITA!

And great post, pentagon!

((((((((((hopefulwife08))))))))))

Hang in there, hopefulwife, it WILL get better!!

First: ((((HUGS))))

Second: Unless your WH is the sole income earner, get rid of that joint account. Refuse to fund his sleazy hotel.

Third: Read up on Plan A. In particular, expose. Expose this A to everyone you can and soon. The main reason is because your WH is going to put an unbelievable spin on this - I can't even imagine what kind of lies he's going to come up with to justify taking extra loans and staying in a hotel with OW but that's exactly what waywards do. You need to inform people first to (a) bust up the A and (b) prevent him from convincing anyone of his lies and (c) because people will rally around and support you and you need it.

Fourth: Keep posting here. You will get tons of support.

Hi hopeful,

Just a few things here that caught my attention.


I would check to see what the balance of this savings was on the day that he left and promptly remove half of that amount (if not ALL of it). As long as your name is on the account, you can do that.


I am surprised that he was able to get a loan without your signature. Unless, he told them that he was separated or divorced and that is why he needed it.



Ohhhhh...He is using some strong arm tactics here and throwing in a little dash of extortion with a heaping of emotional blackmail. Let you keep the kids indeed!!

The first suggestion I would make is to visit his CO. Be totally honest with the CO. Tell him/her about the OW bringing her children across multiple states too. It is possible that her BH is looking for his kids, and a HUGE issue could develop when he finds them with your WS.

Please don't think of suicide. Your children need you and your obligation is to make sure that they have a loving mother. You cannot control what he does, you can control what you do.

Your best chance at saving this marriage is to expose the affair to his CO.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this place.

Hopefully, MelodyLane will be able to help you with the logistics of this. I will give a shoutout to her to help you.

committed

y'all, I am on vacation and can't be online much this weekend, but commie is right, you should expose this affair, hopeful. The first stop will be his CO, then his parents, her parents, etc. Expose to anyone who will have any influence on the affair. It is the most potent weapon you have.

This should be your strategy:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

He put the loan in a seperate bank account. And has been using our savings for the hotel. He is the sole breadwinner in the family. I am a stay at home mom for the last 12 years.
He got the loan through citifinancial where we already had a loan through he just added onto it.

You need to get the money out now. Leave a few bucks in or just take it all.

I can understand if you are reluctant to do it but it needs to be done.

Trust me, I felt guilty using our checking account after D-day. I felt like I didn't have a right to the money because Mr. Gray loved someone else now.

Then I started trying to pay the bills as fast as possible and even overpay in some cases because he kept draining more and more of our money to fund his activities.

And did he get mad? Yeah. Was I scared? Yeah. But it was the right thing to do because of the house payment and all of the other responsibilities that needed to be taken care of.

Heck, he almost burned up the car because he couldn't see straight enough to check the fluids! If I hadn't checked the transmission fluid because he was complaining about a noise, that would have been IT!!

And this is someone who has a fairly good knowledge of car engines!!

See, they don't THINK. And even if they THINK they are thinking and they sound like they think they are, they are NOT.

Please, please get the money out and protect yourself!!

Charlotte

Hi HW08,

My FWH is also military, and my D-day was last july. I also have been a SAHM for 12 years.

Definitely expose the A to his C/O. In my sitch, I exposed to my Pastors at my church, which one of the Pastors had a friend who's a Chaplain. Bless his heart, that Chaplain helped me to expose in the best way possible. He helped me with drafting up a letter and the evidence of the text messages and photos of her on the cell phone, to send over to his C/O. My H was confronted about 4 weeks after submitting the letter. The only reason for the delay of the confrontation, is becasue my H deployed right after I found out, and my H had different missions that he was in charge of. So, until he returned to his designated area in the ME, that was when he was confronted. My H got a lecture, but no demotion, because I had pleaded with the Chaplain to not touch his career(just as long as we were working on reconciling the M). Now, if I decided to D my H, then the evidence would have been submitted and more than likely a hearing would have taken place.

When my H was deployed, he received counseling from whatever Chaplain was available to him. I do strongly advise to you to use a Chaplain, whether it would be from your H's command, or maybe one that can be appointed to you(which you can ask by calling the main general phone number to the base). The Chaplain handled the situation I was in very calmly and professionally with my H's C/O. He laid out basically all the steps of what would take place as best as he could, and for the most part he was right on. I have no regrets of exposing, it was the right thing to do. At first, my H was very upset, but that faded somewhat quickly. He realizes now, that I wouldn't have to go that far if he didn't do what he did. It woke him up, to come back to reality. Since then he's been working on himself and for his family. I hope the same for you!

You're in my prayers... and you'll make it through this... I will pray for your H's heart. Take care and God Bless you.

FAM5

Yes, expose the affair but for Pete's sake take the money out of the bank and put it in your OWN account!! You need money to feed your family and pay the bills.

DO NOT let him sweet talk you into believing he will honor his word. Ain't gonna happen!!


Charlotte

Bumping for hopefulwife.

I'm a betrayed husband who is going to throw his two cents in. I'm also former military.

Is your H an officer? The consequences can be very serious if he is (I'm not sure about enlisted punishments for adultery) but they are very serious for officers.

You must absolutely tell his C/O. Going through the chaplain is a very good suggestion.

I can't stress to you enough how important it is that you take some immediate steps to protect yourself. I failed to do these things and paid dearly for it.

You MUST protect your finances. Close all mutual accounts with your H and deposit all funds into a separate account.

Do not let the fact that you are a SAHM scare you. Don't be afraid of his anger, because he will be angry. But you must now become Mama Bear and protect your cubs. You must do so by protecting finances.

And the very first step in all of this is to expose to everyone you can.

He is living a fantasy and exposing is the first step in shattering the fantasy. Please take the advice of betrayed spouses here who have walked in your shoes. The most important thing you need to understand is that you are not unique or different in any way.

Wayward spouses are all the same. They spew the same garbage and behave in the exact same way. DO NOT be afraid of them. They are lost, soul-less people. The real husband is inside there somewhere. You must have faith that being strong and protecting yourself will lead him back or will protect your children if he doesn't.

Don't be afraid of his anger. Expect it. He will be very angry. But you can survive the anger. Your marriage cannot survive the affair.

BE STRONG!

Exactly pomdbd3!! HW08, please listen to what he's saying. when the Chaplain was assisting with our sitch last year, I was very scared for my H's career. My H had an A with his junior. Being a SAHM, my children and I depend on his income. So I totally understand where you're coming from. Remember this... that exposure is very key to start the ball rolling in your court. He will eventually wake up. One of the first steps is exposing. You will at times question if it's the right thing to do... cause I did. But now looking back, there is not one doubt in me that I didn't do the right thing. This is for yourself and your children, and hopefully one day, your H will realize what you did was out of love and for the sanctity of your M. Don't give up... ever! Take care of yourself... please keep us posted.

P.S.
If you do decide to expose... make sure you bring some type of proof of the A, with any kind of bank statements that shows where he's staying with OW.
Blessings,
FAM5

As long as we are talking about protecting finances... another reason to let the chaplain and his CO know is so the paperwork can be filled out to get you the BAH. If he is thinking he can use that allowance to set up housekeeping with the OW and her two kids, he is mistaken. The military will ensure that you get the BAH as long as you are married. If you are not getting the allowance because you live on base, do not vacate quarters. I believe a spouse has 60 days to move after a divorce is final if it gets to that point.

Bumping for hopefulwife.

Mel,

My manners are slipping.

Thanks so much for coming to help this poster, and on your vacation too!

I didn't mean to disrupt it. We all deserve one now and then. I just knew that you were the best person for this job.

You are certainly the person to have in their corner if you are still willing to help while lazing about poolside.

There are a couple more posters that could use your brand of help but I get the feeling that you do not purposefully post to them because it will fall on deaf ears.

Their loss.

Thanks again.

committed

Thanks for the vote of confidence, friend!

Bumping for hopefulwife.

Sure hope she's okay!!

Hi Hopeful,

Just checking to see how things are going, or how you were feeling. You haven't posted lately. Take care.

Sorry life has been crazy here and I don't know if I am coming or going to update you all on the goings on here. Things are still pretty much the same. He can' find a place out in town and is still staying in hotel with her. I can't decide if I want to try to continue pushing for our marriage or just let it go and settle for being friends. He has been very civial and when I asked if we could be friends he said I already told you we could be but it is just uncomfortable right now and he doesn't know what to say to me.

I also haven't exposed this to his CO because I am scared of what that could do to him. I think it could involve brig time which could hurt my kids not having their dad in their lives or could involve pay cut which would hurt them too since he is financially supporting us. I am also scared if I expose him he will fight for kids when he has promised me now I could have them. Have them like they are something to be given away when you are tired of them, like he has done to me. I am so confused as when he first told me. Shock has worn off but it is still hard.

I also got a job to get myself more finiancially able to care for myself and kids. It isn't much but all means but it is a start to get out in workfield where I haven't been for 12 years.