I was the BS. WH had A in 10/05 and was discovered 11/05. I tried and tried to get over it but couldn't. More and more lies came out but he, from all aspects, seemed very remorseful and wanted to work things out. We have two daugthers together.

I stayed until 10/06 and then we split up. I filed for divorce right away and it was finalized in 7/07. My ex-h tried and tried to get back together but I did not even want to consider it. Up until about January of this year I've had no regrets or ever questioned getting the divorce. I did post in Jan. on here which helped a bit. Ex-H is now married and has a baby on the way. He never went back to the OW. This is a new woman.

I have gone back into depression wondering why I didn't try harder. I wish every day to have our family back together. I don't know why it's taken me almost 2 years since the divorce to figure out that I want back what we had. I'm not sure if it's the finality of it all with his recent marriage and new baby or if it's just the finality hitting me.

I am engaged to an amazing man whom knows about the depression I've been going through. I feel guitly for spliting the family apart when, now looking back, I think I could've gotten over the A. I'm going to go back into counseling and am now scared to get married to my finace. Again, I've discussed this with him. And I'm sure you will all have more questions for me. I will admit I've made mistakes also. I started dating right after filing for divorce. Looking back, yes, I wish I would've taken all your advice and not. I then dated about three men and was single for a few months before meeting the man I am engaged to now.

I really have no options with regard to the matter. I'm just wondering if this is all normal and why it has taken me so long to realize what I had that I let go. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever heal from this.

well, you are scared with very good reason. You have indeed moved too soon out of the divorce and become engaged waaaayyyyy too early. It's good that your new fiance and you are talking about this and you are communicating your fears.

POSTPONE YOUR WEDDING.... until you have RESOLVED THIS COMPLETELY. It is utterly unfair to your husband-to-be to continue this. He deserves to have his new bride be fully his in her mind, heart, and soul.

Despite how you think now, IT IS TOO LATE. It does not matter how you feel, now. You have divorced your husband, and he has married another woman. You cannot remarry your husband. You are right, you do not have that option. No matter how much you want it.

Your wanting it will simply tear your new marriage apart. Quickly.

There is no "normal" when it comes to time span for healing. The fact is, that time heals no wounds, ever. Only decision, effort, and renewing of your mind does. Those who go about this process with vigor find soon resolution. Those who vacillate and "sit on the fence" and "nurse" their wounds may never recover after even 30 years.

The salient and germane fact for you is that you HAVE NOT recovered, yet. And until you do, you really cannot proceed to another marriage.

There is also some confusion in my mind because of your title which states you are 2 years beyond divorce, but you say you divorced in 7/07 which is not even one year in the past, yet.

I read the 10/07 date at which you split as being 10/06, that is the only way I could make sense out of it.

Well, there is no wedding date. We haven't set any time so that's not a problem. Yes, you're right, the divorce was not finalized until 7/07 so it's only been almost a year since it was finalized. I was talking about when I had actually filed which was 10/06. Sorry if I put 10/07.

Yes, I understand it is too late to do anything about it and I don't plan on doing anything about it. I'm just trying to understand all of my emotions I'm going through right now. I didn't realize even after almost three years of the A I still have not recovered. I mean, I had a million chances to get back with my ex, was even single for a period of time while at the same time losing my mother to cancer. So, yes, I had ample time to get back with him but never wanted to. I just don't understand why it took so long to feel this way. That's why I'm asking if it's normal, if anyone else on here has gone through this.

Sometimes i think folks make a decision to get a divorce based on their feelings at the moment. Unfortunately, feelings always change and when they do, regrets happen when permanent decisions were made on temporary feelings. This is why I always tell people to wait at least a year.

My suggestion would be to focus more on ACCEPTANCE, than on what you CAN'T have. You have made a decision that you must live with and regretting it doesn't help you a bit. In fact, it diverts you from some much needed acceptance and probably cause depression. That is a DESTRUCTIVE FEELING, IMO, that I would get a handle on pretty quickly.

It is very destructive to pine away for things you cant have at the expense of what you DO HAVE. I would STOP doing that, if I were you.

You can take this as a valuable lesson and use it to benefit you in other areas of your life. And that lesson would be to never make decisions based on FEELINGS, because feelings change.

p.s. it also occurs to me that you may have delayed the grief by throwing yourself into divorce, "getting on with my life," much too soon and are only now going through the grieving process.

I would also point out that you will never "forget." I have been divorced now for 9 years and I have not forgotten. I still have strong feelings about it. The feelings don't consume me, but they are there and I suspect will be for some time; maybe my entire life. I don't know if its possible or even necessarily healthy to develop complete indifference towards a long term spouse after divorce.

It's only been two years since your divorce. I have to ask. Why are you engaged again?

I'm amazed by how quickly people rush into marriage after a divorce.

All doors close for restoring a family and it is the children who suffer because kids could care less about new people and wish their biological parents were together (for the most part).

This isn't to bash you. But I do feel that you still have an opportunity before you.

Don't get married soon. That's the best thing you could do for yourself. You dated 3 men in 2 years and are now engaged to someone new.

The best thing you could do for yourself and your kids is to be alone and be happy being alone before being with someone else.

Have you had an extended period of time alone? I'm not talking about a month or two. I'm talking about at least 8-10 months alone, without a man, focused on your daughters, and working on getting to know yourself again.

THAT would be the best gift you can give your kids. Learn to be alone and without a man.

You're engaged, but still haven't processed the decision you made to end your marriage. I agree with Melody about dealying your grief, but I feel it's because you covered up your pain by being with other people instead of being alone.

No one enjoys being alone, but we must learn to be comfortable with being alone and not in a relationship in order to be emotionally healthy.

These are just my thoughts.

Well, all doors for restoring the marriage have been closed by my ex. He is already married with a child on the way.

Yes, I dated three men, two of which never met my children. It wasn't anything serious and they didn't last long. I was alone and single for about 5 months. I focused on me, my girls, and my mother's illness. She past away when I was single. I loved being single and did not want to date. I actually considered not getting married ever again. I was very comfortable with being single.

I had known my fiance for about two months before we started dating and it wasn't dating at first b/c neither of us wanted a relationship. Obviously, it ended up turning into dating.

Like I said, there is no date set for the wedding. I'm taking it one day at a time right now. I don't really know what else to say.

You made the decisions that you made and you have to live with them. I don’t think anyone can fault you for choosing divorce. You tried to work it out for nearly a year. That’s a lot longer than many would endure.

I don’t think you miss your cheating husband as much as you miss the family unit that you had prior to 11/05. What you had however, was broken. You certainly don’t want that back.

Accept the decisions that you made and move on. I agree that you should not rush back into marriage just for the sake of being married. Figure out what went wrong with your first marriage and try to ensure against those pitfalls in any future marriage.

Life’s too short to rue past choices. Accept them, live with them, learn from them and move on.

I can not say anything that you are not aware of. I am sorry that the opportunity for you to recover your marriage is gone.

I am glad that you have posted her now with your story.

Many times people are told not to date until the divorce is final. That it takes 1 year to heal from a divorce or from a long term relationship before one is ready to date again.

Even when all of the ways have been pointed out how problems involved when one dates too soon. People still do so.

I hope those that are tempted to follow your foot steps will learn from your experience without out having to confirm it first hand.

I think as a message to all BS's that have an opportunity to work out their marriage after an A, they should really consider the future and everything that will happen. I mean, I considered my future, but never really fully understood just how much things would change. Yes, I accepted the fact that I'd have our daughters only 50 % of the time and that the possibility of remarrying for both my ex and I was there.

What I did not consider was my ex having a new child with another woman and being dedicated 100% to that child and lessoning the responsiblities of the children we have together. I did not consider how much the finality of the situation would have an affect on me. I'm not talking about the D. I'm talking about my ex remarrying and expecting a baby. I think in my conscience I had some hint of a belief we would get together again someday down the road. That is, obviously, no longer a possiblity.

I now think way further into the future about the children's high school graduations, weddings, college and not having their parents still together. I never even considered all of this before just a few months ago. And, please, don't think I'm bashing step-parents or seperated families. I'm just explaining things that I could have prevented happening in the future and why I feel the way I do.

Most importantly, I did not consider the guilt I now feel about not keeping the family together. Yes, my ex is the one that committed adultery and, technically, broke our family apart; but I still feel I could've tried harder and feel guilty for not trying hard enough (I did stay for almost a year after A). But now looking back, I was actually lucky to even have the opportunity to stay with my ex. A lot of people on here don't even have that opportunity. And, yes, obviously, hindsight is 20/20.

Hopefully, this can be of some help to BS's who are going through this very thing now. I hope to have shed some light on things I wish I had known or thought about 2 years ago when I filed for D.

And, yes, like you have all said, it is time to accept all of this and move on with my life. Dwelling on these things will make things worse. It is tough, but I will get through it!

Thank you all for your advice and support through these very tough past 2 1/2 years of my life!

Thanks for letting me get those things off my chest!

This statement is very telling. Read it over again. I think him having another child is what is hitting you. Do you think maybe you are feeling some guilt over not keeping your family together and now your children have to "share" their dad with another child? You shouldn't feel guilty but that doesn't mean you won't have those feelings. You just have to work through them. You didn't break up the marriage he did. You just did what you thought was best for you and your family.

I agree 100% with suamico. A WS having a child with another woman, even if not the actual OW of the A, has to be a huge trigger. In fact the first thought that crossed my mind on D-day was "what if she's young and he has kids with her?" This was even before the gravity of his adultery even set in. So I can totally understand how you are feeling.

And it is tied to delayed grieving as well. When your M breaks down, you lose more than just a spouse. You lose material things, possibly your home, inlaws, friends, time with your children, children you haven't had yet, your future as you saw it beforehand - and more. You need to greive for each of these and any others that are unique to your own situation. This is why it can take so long to heal - because you don't even recognize what some of these losses are until it stares you in the face. Right now you could be grieving for that child you never had. There's nothing crazy about it - it's a HUGE loss. A loss that requires the entire grieving process to heal from.

It may be too soon to be engaged or maybe not. In either case, if he's the right man, he'll understand your need to grieve all of your losses and he'll be there to support you. If not, then it will save you a pile of heartache down the road.