I don't think I could carry it out. I have not just lost a husband but also by best friend.
It hurts a lot. I used to confide in him about everything.
When I was low, he was the only one who picked me up. I never let anyone else see the vulnerable side to me other than him, n now i feel crushed

I'm not going to excuse you, Brown, and say you can't do it.

I felt EXACTLY the same way and so did MANY OTHERS here.

When I discovered my H's affair, I was over 50 and had been with him since age 18. I had never been with another MAN. We started off as "FRIENDS" for about a year. HE DEFINITELY WAS AND STILL IS THE BEST FRIEND THAT I HAVE EVER HAD. I also have had ISSUES with INTIMACY and have felt CLOSER to my H than ANYONE in my life other than MY GRANDMOTHER..LONG STORY...

That being said, BROWN. It WAS an IMPORTANT, VALUABLE, LIFE-CHANGING and LIFE-ALTERING LESSON for me to learn IN MIDDLE AGE, that I HAD TO LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT MY HUSBAND and that it was UNHEALTHY for ME to MAKE HIM MY ALL. That it was UNHEALTHY of me to put him up on such a PEDESTAL like he was GOD to me...

He made it LOUD and CLEAR to me that he is HUMAN and, above all IN THIS WORLD, that I need to VALUE MYSELF. That MY OWN SELF-WORTH and SELF-RESPECT must come FIRST.

WITHOUT MYSELF, I HAD NOTHING.

WITHOUT MYSELF, I am NOT LOVEABLE.

Now I ACCEPT and KNOW that I'm PRETTY COOL.

Mimi - u made me smile.
So how did you learn to value yourself?
I am feeling low, becos H is claiming he didn't receive the petition for divorce n lawyer is saying they should have been received two weeks ago. I can't withdraw until this part is over n i feel miserable bcos i don't want this divorce.

I've been telling you, Brown.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF and NOT ON HIM. Focus on becoming the BEST PERSON that YOU can be. Is there a WOMAN that you ADMIRE that you can take on as a ROLE MODEL? I would imagine myself being like certain people. I read and still do read biographies about POWERFUL WOMEN.

I worked on all aspects of MYSELF..Personal transformation INSIDE AND OUT..I went to the gym..got a personal trainer...worked on my CLOTHES STYLE..decorated my house...all GIRLIE..started looking for a NEW HOUSE..just for ME...

BELIEVE ME..He was noticing from afar...Did drivebys and saw the FLOWERS blooming in the yard..tried to catch GLIMPSES of me in the GYM...heard what others were saying about HOW GOOD I WAS LOOKING...

Held my HEAD UP..CHEST OUT...

Don't listen to what he says. Don't pay attention to what he does. Like I've told Queenie, SEAL YOUR MIND FROM HIM!!

MAKE YOUR LIFE ALL ABOUT YOU!! Not in a SELFISH WAY where you don't care about anyone else..in a way where you are working on PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT and PERSONAL POWER!!

" worked on all aspects of MYSELF..Personal transformation INSIDE AND OUT..I went to the gym..got a personal trainer...worked on my CLOTHES STYLE..decorated my house...all GIRLIE..started looking for a NEW HOUSE..just for ME... "

Brown, look what MIMI did!:

1. She worked on all aspects of herself
2. She created, all on her own, a personal tranformation of herself inside and out
3. She went and worked out every day at the gym
4. She learned to pick the most sylish and flattering clothes
5. She redecorated her home in her own style
6. She began looking for a new home just for HER!

Brown, these are what you need to do. Which items here can you and will you do starting next week?

And, if you do not get a divorce now, why do you think your husband will come back? I mean, do you really think he will return? Nothing has changed. He still loves his other girlfriend and you are still insecure and dependent on his love to live your life out.

QUIT depending on him, or anyone else to live YOUR life. Do these things MIMI did, pick just one of them to try.

I admire MIMI. And what she did. YOu can do these things too.

Guys i really need help today!
OW started calling me on my mobile - i ignored her call.
Text H to ask him why she was calling
He text me back asking me if i was willing to go back to him at our home tmrw morning.
I said yes, but asked why?
He said she willing to sacrifice her love for our sake
I asked to see him - he hasn't replied
What should i do?

brown,

Has she ever called you before? Is this some sort of trick? Are they fighting and pulling you into the middle of it?

I'm apprehensive that this is anything positive for you. Why would your WH have his OW call you and not call himself?

Be skeptical brown. Protect yourself.

She has rang before to threaten me to back off. I didn't pick up n she did not leave a message.

He as in WH then text me to ask me if i could come back home tmrw forever.

I am trying to b skeptical, it could b a fight that i am being dragged into.

I don't know wat to do

Text HIM and say that you will meet with HIM at your place to discuss this further. You have every right and reason to meet with your HUSBAND regardless of what is going with THEM.

DO NOT TALK TO HER!!

Work on YOUR STRENGTH. If and when you meet with him, NO CRYING, BEGGING AND PLEADING. He has to agree to NO CONTACT WITH HER..FOR LIFE..Do not TEXT him this..this is what you will TELL HIM face to face...

This may not be THE END of the AFFAIR right now but it tells me that it is doomed as most are...eventually...so hang in there for the ROLLERCOASTER RIDE

I text him to say that an hour ago but he hasn't replied. He is now ignoring me - i think
i am never going to speak to her - she isn't worth my time or tears

NO..NEVER SPEAK TO HER!! She is your ENEMY and will use ANYTHING that you say to her in an effort TO DESTROY you and your marriage.

BE THANKFUL that they are fighting. They DESERVE the HELL that they LIVE in..don't allow them to drag YOU into it. Let them work the EVIL on themselves.

Offer to see HIM and only HIM.

Do not SHARE with HIM your PLANS through TEXTING.

Don't enable his COWARDICE.

I asked him to at least text me n tell me what is going on as I am worried.
He replied, "I am fine. Just been a very tough time going thru all this. She is finding it very difficult and is crying. Will speak later."

I stupidly replied saying Iam praying for her which I do. I don't know why but i do even though she has put me through hell n continues to do so.

I GUARANTEE you that she is not praying for you. She is wishing you HARM or WORSE.

You appear WEAK when you do stuff like this, Brown.

It is NOT ATTRACTIVE.

The OW needs to SUFFER for her consequences. Don't wish your ENEMIES well until AFTER, if ever, they seek your FORGIVENESS.

i went to see him n he was crying, i was crying n he brought her as well. She was trying to convince me that she could help me through it. I have totally lost my mind - i don't understand why i sat through that conversation.

Brown,

This was in one of your posts from before:

Your whole story sounds like he has made YOU the OW by moving her into YOUR house. He still has contact with you, tells you he loves you, strokes your hair when you are down, cries when he thinks you will divorce him.

Sheesh!!!

Right now they are putting YOU in the middle of one of their many episodes. She has faked illness and used other controlling methods before. You even mentioned that he once thought it was romantic that she told him to go back to you.

Sweetie, it is time for you to move to PLAN B.

This is what Dr. Harley says:


Hypothetically speaking, IF the A was really ending "today" after they have finished their fight, WHY in the world would you want to return "tomorrow"????

Also from Dr. Harley:


WHAT IS SHE GOING TO HELP YOU THROUGH???? HIM STAYING WITH HER OR HIM COMING BACK TO YOU. THIS IS INSANE.

I don't either.

You've got to decide that you want to work on saving your marriage or helping their relationship.

We can't do it for you.

Today you helped to prolong the affair.

I don't mean to be hard on you, Brown.

But you keep coming here for help.

You keep doing it YOUR WAY. You made the decision to STAY and take that HIGH LEVEL OF DISRESPECT from HIM/THEM after you asked me yesterday what was necessary and I answered with the need to begin valuing YOURSELF.

Then, you act as if you are HELPLESS and OUT OF CONTROL.


MY GOODNESS...

Of course, you need to do PLAN B...

Is she living in YOUR HOUSE?

She wants me to accept that they r together