Back in February, my husband of 7 years told me he was unhappy, not attracted to me at all, he felt like we could never have the closeness that a couple should have, and that he didn't think we were the right person for each other. He told me how much he resented me because our sex life has been virtually null and void since we married and resented the fact that I have let myself go. We have a little boy that is 1 year old now. I do all of the child care, I work full time, manage the household and all the bills. Wanting to save my marriage, I found the MB website, ordered the MB series, books, and even did a counseling session with Steve Harley. I have also lost 35 pounds since February, trying to make myself physically attractive again.

At the time, I didn't even suspect that my H was having an affair. My H didn't want to continue marriage counseling, saying he doesn't believe in psycho babble and that it is too expensive, and he knows why we are in the shape we are in. He wouldn't listen to the CD's or read the books either.

Fast forward to May - I discovered through a friend that my H was having an affair and had been for 5 months. Not only that, but he reveiled a drug addiction that I was unaware of. I kicked him out, but then quickly took him back. I confronted the lover and both were very apologetic. I made an effort to show my H he could talk to me about his problems - not her. I made tremedous effort to improve our sex life too. Not wanted to be a fool, however, I investigated my husbands cell phone calls to discover that he was still talking to the lover. I kicked him out again and filed for divorce a second time.

At this point, he is apologetic again and so is the OW. He is trying to kick his drug problem and is living with his mother. I have been bringing our child to see him almost daily and we have had intimate moments. I have put the divorce on hold again, per his request, and here is my delimma:

1. WH refuses marriage couseling, won't read any MB stuff.
2. WH will not go to drug counseling.
3. WH doesn't really act like he wants to come home or reconcile, stating we need time apart.

At this point, I must admit that I have let another man know that I am interested in him (through friends, not even face to face contact). I am not really ashamed of these feelings after what my WH has put me through. All of my family and friends think that I should get out of the marriage because my H never does anything with me or for me to show me appreciation or love. He always says I am trying to change him, and that I knew what type of person he was when I married him. Forget the fact that I had to grow up and take on new responsibilities too when we married.

I want to be with someone who wants to make sacrifices for me and with someone who is happy to be with me. I have let so many things that he does "go" over the years, and now that he has done this to me - I have finally realized how unhappy I really have been. My WH is a good looking, easy going guy. We never argue or fight. But, when I look at our little boy - I cringe just thinking about how his daddy will probably never be around for t-ball games because of work, how he will never hold my hand in public, never go to church with us, doesn't want to be alone with me on vacations, etc. I want a husband who wants to be a good role model and who wants to cherish me. I don't think that my husband is that guy. I am lingering in this relationship hoping he will say things that I am never going to hear - (like he has been a fool, that I am the love of his life, that I am the right girl for him, and that he will do whatever it takes to turn things around). Should I just get it over with and get a divorce since my WH is not willing to make reasonable sacrifices for me?

The guy I am interested in has a lot of things in common with me, way more than my WH ever will. He is currently in a dating relationship, but sources say he is about to break it off and is interested in me too. I actually get excited thinking about going out with this guy. Then, I get ashamed thinking of how weak my marriage is that it just takes one person showing interest to make me ready to bail out for good. Somebody knock some sense into me one way or another please. I am in so much pain. I have tried so hard to make things work, but I don't know if it is worth it anymore....

Welcome 1baby.

First, set aside the man who you are interested in for now. That really shouldn't affect your decision on your marriage.

The big issue is that your husband is a drug addict who refuses to get help. He refuses to go to counseling. He doesn't want to change, and you can't force him to.

I will say don't rush into another relationship, and certainly don't think that you'll be able to be one big happy family with a new husband. I'm about to get remarried, but my fiance isn't a father to my girls. He's a step-father. We're kind of a family, but it's not the same as if he had fathered them. The connection isn't the same.

OMG, you are totally right. I have been daydreaming about how awesome of a life I could have with this OM, and I barely even know him!!!

My H is hanging out with people that also do drugs. He owns his own company (which I keep bailing out of financial trouble to my own suffering), and he even hires people that I don't want him to (because I know they do drugs). I just don't think that our marriage can work if he has no respect for my wishes and he can't get off of drugs if he keeps hanging out with this crowd. Truth is, he did a lot of drugs as a teenager and over the years, he has been busted by me doing things again and again. I have no idea who he is when he is not with me, (or I am in denial about it) - it is like he has a second life that I have NEVER been a part of. How can I trust him with my heart again? Part of me is scared to let him go, and part of me would just like to get out for my own mental health. I don't want to be weak though, and just jump out without exploring all possible avenues. I really do take my marriage vows seriously, but I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life either...

I read a great book that really helped me. It's by Dr. Bryn Collins and it's called "Emotional Unavailablity." In it, she states very clearly, several times that substance abuse addicts cannot be emotionally available because their primary relationship is with the drug. In other words, your husband is married emotionally to the drug. You cannot compete with the drug. MB principles will not work when there's addiction. Dr. Harley himself says so.

So far, you've been enabling your husband. You should probably seek out an Al-anon group. I know several people here have found them very helpful.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd go through with the divorce. I also would wait to date--see numberous posts on the Relationships After Divorce forum on the dangers of dating too soon. If during the divorce proceedings or shortly after, your H enters rehab, goes to AA, drops the girlfriend (who is probably also a user), and starts respecting your opinion on the business, then you can start dating him.

As for marriage vows, of course you take them seriously. You're here. You've worked hard. But, it's hard to have a marriage when the other person is acting as if he's still single and just out of high school.

Green, can I ask you something?

Why would you divorce rather than separate? Just wondering.

I'm thinking since she would ideally not date for a while, why the finality of a divorce?

Also, could she get an order for child support if legally separated? I don't know the particulars on it.

I'm thinking a separation would make it harder for her to enable and make his addiction more real to him. Also, the pinch of child support could make him think more about counseling. Do you think that's unrealistic?

Can anyone point me to more information about Dr. Harley's thoughts on dealing with a spouse suffering from drug abuse? BTW, you are completely correct in assuming that the OW is a drug abuser too. They use to party together as teenagers, reconnected in January, and she "understands" him and doesn't judge him like I do - how nice....

1Baby, my guess is the drug use/abuse is at 50% percent of the allure of the OW.

Edited to add:
For information on substance addiction, go to Questions & Answers, select Resolving Conlfict 2. There are several articles on alcoholics, but obviously it also applies to drug addicts.

Soolee, I didn't suggest separation because they are already separated. The H is living with his mom.

I am pathetic. Today I went to see my WH and took the baby to see him. I slept with him again - we are having more sex now that he has had an affair and that we are seperated than we were for several years of our marriage. I told him today that I am considering going through with the divorce - mainly to see his reaction. I think that the drugs have way more of a hold on him than he realizes. He didn't argue with me or respond very much to anything I said today. It's not like he is high - it's just like he is "emotionally unavailable" as someone stated before. He has given me no hope that he even wants to change and I am fed up. As a matter of fact, he is out partying with friends right now while I have a headache and am typing this letter...

I guess what you do with him is your business, but keep one thing in mind if nothing else.

He's sleeping with someone whose sexual history you really don't know anything about, and if you sleep with him, you sleep with her, and whoever she's ever been with, pretty much....and you have a very young child to raise.

I think it's best if at least one of his parents takes their health seriously, don't you?

Sleeping with a wayward spouse is one thing. Sleeping with a wayward spouse who is an addict and who sleeps with another addict is really asking for trouble.

Now that I understand your situation better, I would have to say that divorce may be the best thing you can do for all concerned. I normally don't suggest divorce, but since you've already been separated and he's still not showing any signs of improvement, it may be a last ditch effort to get him to realize there are repercussions to letting your life go down the toilet.

If you do this early enough, perhaps your child won't take it so hard. I'd start looking for a good lawyer and get fixed up with some child support and perhaps alimony as well. At least then some of his money won't be going for drugs.

Is his mother aware of his drug problem? If not, it may be best for you to tell her and maybe even to warn her about enabling. Is she cooking his meals and doing his laundry? Does the rest of his family and important other people in his life know?

1Baby, why are you sleeping with your druggie husband?

I'm wondering if having sex with him isn't some sort of way you use to hold on to hope for a future together as a happy family.There is no future for you with this man unless he gets his addiction under control.

What is his drug of choice? If it's heroin, crack, or meth, you should seek full legal custody.

If you can continue it, taking your child to see his father for short times several times a week is important. In the parenting class I attended, they said studies have suggested* that very young children do better with shorter, but more frequent visitation. As they get older and their sense of time and their memory develop, children can go for longer visits less frequently. Of course, your child will need supervised visits unless your husband sobers up.

You're doing a good job here in a bad situation. Alanon could really help you.

Sleeping with my WH really is a way for me to feel close to him and try to hold onto him, and I know it is wrong. After I found out about the affair, the very first thing I did was go and have a whole battery of STD test. His drug of choice is steet methadone, (you know, the drug that everybody takes to get off of other drugs), he has been addicted since November of 2007. He also sees absolutely nothing wrong with smoking weed. At this point, I think I am going to go through with the divorce. In the 13 years we have been together, his attitude has never changed when it comes to drugs. He is such a hypocrit because he says of course he wouldn't want our child to do those things, but somehow it is okay for him. I've already wasted a lot of good years trying to make him see things my way. I need to be a good role model for my little boy, and I don't want to spend my life with someone who doesn't love me the way they should. I am worried about him - physically, financially, etc - but I am going to have to let him go for my sanity.....

Oh yeah, I have told all of his family, my family, and our friends about his problem and what he has done. When I saw the lawyer the first time, I asked for sole custody with visitation at my descretion. I think he will agree to it or I will have him drug tested by the court to get his attention...

I think you have a plan then.

Methodone. They use that for heroin addicts. Even if you didn't have a child to worry about, I'd think you'd have to get divorced to save yourself.

Many hugs and prayers for you and your son.

They give methadone out like candy where I live at the clinic. Not just heroine addicts, but to people who are hooked on any type of drug. It seems like half our town is on it and we have a population of 29,000 people. I went to see my WH with the baby again this evening. No sex because his mom was there - not because I was strong. We hugged a lot and cuddled a little. He was able to talk to me a little more this evening, saying he wanted to be in his "right head" before he makes such a big decision on life (about whether or not he wants to try to make it).

I told him that things have never changed in our marriage and that I didn't think that they would miraculously change now. I told him that if he didn't seek professional help for the drugs and our marriage - that it was sending me a clear message that he wasn't willing to do the things it would take to make this marriage successful. I also told him that I think that he is as scared as I am of change. We have been a part of each other's lives for so long, and although our marriage has been less than ideal sexually and with equal division of responsibilities, we really cared for each other.

He is just so stubborn - and I have a problem with wanting an instant fix. He says he is weaning himself off of the drugs himself, just like the clinic would. I told him that he needs the psychological help of a professional though because our marriage wouldn't have gotten in this shape if he was as "in control" of his drug use as he seems to think he is. Everyone I know is telling me to run for my life, and my head tells me the same thing - I am so confused and I am so tired of crying all the time. I need peace in my life...my little boy has already seen way to many tears on my part. I just feel so much guilt when I think about giving up on someone I love - even though he truly gives me way more love withdraws throughout the entire marriage than love deposits.

Do drug addicts ever really change their attitude about drug use, I guess I mean when they are kinda being forced to quit?

You can still be a supportive friend when he's getting help. However, until he gets help, you really need to send the message that you aren't interested in talking to him, jmo. It just seems like you're going to need something that will help you stop enabling him and also help you move forward when and if you're ever ready to do that, and I think going forward with the divorce can probably help you achieve that.

Staying with him is like telling him he can have everything he wants and you'll still be there to walk on and take for granted. He can still have sex with you, even if he continues to do drugs and have sex with another women. He can still see his son, even though he refuses to get help and puts himself first rather than his son...that's the message he's getting - no painful repercussions.

Your little boy deserves a better male role model than this, so tell yourself you're doing this for him not to him. You're sending the wrong kind of message to your son if you put up with this sort of thing.

Your husband will never have his self confidence, integrity, or feel good about himself again until he licks this, and it doesn't look like he's going to beat it with you having no hard boundaries.

Just because you divorce, doesn't mean you don't care. Just be very, very careful not to coddle him. He needs rules, and you aren't giving him any.

You are exactly right, I am a total enabler. He makes me feel like all this is my fault and that I have to be the one to work hard to make changes. It's not that he actually says this - it's just perceived. The only consequence he has received is that I kicked him out of our house. I actually think he likes it that way though - because now he has even more time to do whatever he wants to, rather than being home to help me out. His mother (God bless her heart) cooks for him and only says really nice things to build him up (thinking this will help him decide to change too). I don't think that either one of us know how to handle him...

I need to quit throwing myself and my son at him hoping he will see the light. OW is out of the picture supposedly (she and I talked on the phone several times since I found out about the A). The girl has serious issues and I actually think she was looking to be my friend.....I listened to her because I wanted to understand what type of W I was up against.

Anyway, I guess I am lying to myself and everyone else when I say I am ready for a divorce. My sisters are getting sick of hearing me cry my eyes out on the phone one minute telling them it is definitely over, then the next minute calling to say I want to work on it. What am I doing? Steve Harley told me to get my WH out of the house -that we couldn't even think about saving the marriage until the drug issue was over. He also told me not to have more sex with my WH while this is happening. I NEED TO START TAKING THE GOOD ADVICE I AM GETTNG HERE....

Also, I haven't been following Plan A or B. Every time I see my WH, I start crying and getting depressed and talking too serious about our issues. I know that doesn't build any love deposits in his bank for me, but I am in this sick "feel sorry for myself stage" and I want him to love and comfort me so bad.

Any advice is appreciated, and thank you for those of you who have responded so far.

Stop seeing your husband. It messes with your mind. Make arrangements with your mother-in-law so that your H can see his son under his mother's supervision and without you having to have contact with your H.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. If you can't find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, contact the local AA group and see what they recommend. You need some real support in helping stop the cycle.

I'm also wondering if you have some Family of Origen issues. Were either of your parents alcoholics or drug addicts? Were either of them abusive?

Often, the people who have the hardest time leaving addicts are those who had an addict in their FOO. The thought pattern is "If I'm good enough, they'll figure out I'm worth changing for." By your own admission, you are buying in to that fallacy. The fallacy is in the assumption that your husband drinks because of you. He doesn't. He drinks because of himself. Your worth doesn't really factor into this one way or another.

Promise me you'll call Al-anon today. If you can't get Al-Anon, I'll take a fact finding call to AA. Please promise.

Actually, I wouldn't allow your MIL to supervise visits with the baby. Your MIL is also enabling your husband. Can you guarentee that she would protect your child from your husband (ie, if your husband was high, would she still allow him to interact with your child?)

And yes, if your husband wants to get sober and recovery, he can change. But he has to want to. And his statement about a clear head, well that's just bunk. YES, when you start the journey of sobriety/recovery you aren't supposed to make any major decisions for a year. But the key is the addict is commiting himself to recovery.

If there's no Al-Anon near by, what about CODA? It's a support group for codependants. What about joining a group online? I'm sure one of these support groups has online meetings.

Can you draw your strength from your child? That's what I did when I discovered my husband's addiction. I refused to raise my kid (now kids) with a using addict. Period. (Though, because of my issues, raising them without me doing my own work wouldn't have been much healthier for them, either.)

Having my husband be the caretaker while he was acting out scared the beejeesus out of me.

What can you do to change your behavior? Instead of visiting your husband, can you force yourself to do something else with your child? Go to park? Go to the mall? Do you have any sort of mommy and me classes you can do? Or can you hire a sitter and go to a movie by yourself?

I think that I have the best parents in the world. They don't do any drugs or drink, and they have been married for 37 years. I have an older sister and a younger sister that are happily married with children (just regular marriage problems). I guess I just feel like the family failure by giving up on my marriage.

My H doesn't drink, he just does methadone and pot. Will alanon work for that? I can honestly say that my H is a master at deceiving me of when he is doing drugs - because I cannot tell at all. My MIL would do anything I ask in order to keep a good relationship with me so I will let her keep seeing her grandchild. She has no other family living nearby and she loves my baby boy dearly.

I have wonderful family and friend support and I have a lot of opportunities to do other things instead of seeing my WH. I am one hair of calling the divorce lawyer right now...

I think of songs that remind me of my relationship with my WH, like the following list- for anyone out there needing more songs to greive to:

"Hate Me" by Blue October
"Better Than Me" by Hinder
"What I've Done" by Linkin Park
"Kiss the Rain" by Billie Myers
"Insensitive" by Jane Arden
"You Wanted More" by Tonic

and my personal favorite for our relationship is
"Whatever it takes" by Lifehouse

I am such a glutton for punishment.....

Back to the topic at hand. I will seek out a support group for help. My biggest question is should I be seeking help in saving the marriage or seeking help to get rid of my dependent personality so I can move forward with my life?

My WH never has the baby in the car with him, he has never ever been violent or anything close to it. I guess the biggest worry I have with him being with the baby is that he would fall asleep when the baby needs his attention...but that is it as far as danger goes.

"My MIL would do anything I ask in order to keep a good relationship with me so I will let her keep seeing her grandchild. She has no other family living nearby and she loves my baby boy dearly."

How about asking her to attend an alanon meeting with you or talk to some other drug counselor together? I think if you approach it as wanting to make sure that neither of you is enabling him in any way, it might be something she'd be willing to do.

If your husband is addicted to street methadone and refuses to get involved in at least a methadone clinic where they can monitor his doses, I would advise that you cut your losses at this point and divorce him. He is taking a huge risk with his life, and I feel very sorry for you and your son. Furthermore, it's illegal, and you could be implicated and caught up in something that could cause you both to lose custody of your baby.

I strongly advise you to distance yourself, divorce him, and try your best to get sole custody based on his drug addiction.

Here are a few websites that may be informative. Perhaps you already know the facts about methadone, but if nothing else, the personal stories in the second link will be interesting reading.

http://www.homedrugtestingkit.com/mtd.html

http://www.heroinaddiction.com/heroin_methadone.html

One of my dear friends lost her nephew to drugs. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

"but that is it as far as danger goes."

I have to say there's far more to worry about than him falling asleep. He's hooked on and is buying an illegal substance from shady people and, by history of your own admission, you've dug him out of financial strain numerous times. What did your money go towards? Any sure ideas? Unless you paid the bills personally, it's kind of hard to tell just where the money was spent.

What concerns me most is that you know about all this and still allow him access to the baby. You've helped him out financially and could be implicated for child endangerment and possibly other issues.

I'd see a lawyer, move forward with sole custody being your objective, then call your mil up and explain to her that she will need to visit your home or meet you for lunch in the future to see the baby, that you cannot bring the baby to where he lives and do not want him to have contact with the baby due to his illegal drug addiction. Explain implication, endangerment charges, neglect...

Alanon can help with codependent behavior whether it's drugs or alcohol. Really the main difference is that alcohol is legal and most others aren't.

I suggested alanon as a place for support because you seem to have such a hard time making the obvious decision. The reason you have such a hard time making the obvious decision is you are stuck in the behavior pattern and mindset creating by having an addict in the family. Alanon will make it easier to see clearly.

Have you filed yet? Or just dicussed it? In many states, filing for Legal Separation or divorce has benefits when your spouse is a mess. A big benefit in my state is the "common property" stops when someone files. That means income and debts incurred after the papers have been filed are not considered "common" to the marriage.

So, if you file now, but it moves slowly, and divorces can, in two years you could still be married. Yet, any debts he incurs, you won't be liable for. And he won't have any claim on your income. All states are different, so you'd need to check with your lawyer.

My divorce took a couple of years, my friend's divorce has taken over three years. It's just not that uncommon for them to go on and on, which means there's plenty of time to call it off after you file it he shapes up.