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I agree with ONLYU that he IS treating you BADLY...
BUT, he is GARDEN-VARIETY ADDICTED WAYWARD SPOUSE...
NO DIFFERENT..NO WORSE..than MOST or MANY HERE...
A WAYWARD SPOUSE IS AN ADDICT...they will stoop to the LOWEST of LOWS to maintain THE ADDICTION...
My HUSBAND DID AS MUCH OR WORSE..
And we have been HAPPILY RECOVERED for almost 5 years...
Follow the MBers' Plans..
PLAN B is what is needed....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Brown,
Imagine what he did to you as if you were a child. Daddy calls up and says, Sweetie, if my new family leaves me today, will you come home to me tomorrow?? Of course Daddy, I've been waiting for you to call. Later.... through text...Daddy, where are you? I'm packed and ready to go. Daddy responds, just wait Sweetie, I'm hear with my new family because they are hurting and this is really hard on them. I need to be here where they can be comforted. Later again....Daddy brings you to his house with his new family.... his new family says, IT'S OK...you don't need a Daddy. He's ours now, we can help you FORGET HIM!!
He is treating you like a child Brown. He is mocking you, degrading you, USING YOU, walking all over you. OnlyU - that is exactly how it feels, i understand it and yet I struggle. I can't believe that all his goodness is buried, but I guess as an addict that is what happens. I know I need to run before I get destroyed. If you had a daughter, would you let her go through this??? No I wouldn't
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Plan B it is Mimi
I am going to read up in the book but any other places on this forum i should look for examples?
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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I guess you really dont need to learn anything about Plan B or anything. But if you do not learn and put into practice Plan B, here are some other alternatives:
1. Give your husband and OW your blessing and move out of your home.
2. Let the OW and your husband live there WITH you. She can sleep in his bed and you can sleep on the couch. She can comfort you when you want to cry about losing your husband to her!
3. HELP the OW move into your home! Hang up her pictures, arrange her furniture she brings, hang up her clothing. Make her feel welcome, make sure there are foods and drinks that you buy available that she likes.
4. Treat the other woman like an esteemed guest in your home and YOU are the servent for her. Welcome her "move" into the home, help her unpack and show her around.
You wear a "maids" outfit and serve her and call her "maam" and cook for them as they make love in the other room. After they make love, bring them a bottle of chilled champagne on a tray with srawberries and serve it to them, they are naked, in "your" bed. (Remember you sleep on the couch or floor like any worthless slave).
Make her dinner every night asking her what she likes. If she wants some food you don't have on hand, run to the grocery store and buy it and prepare it for her. Then, keep out of the way as your husband romances her day and night.
Help her pick out the cutest night clothes to wear to bed to make love with your husband. After all, you know what he likes. In fact, go to your closet and lend her your own cute lingerie to make love to him in. (Remember you are a passive, people pleaser here without any kind of backbone.)
Clue her in about lovemaking techniques that he likes also to enhance thier lovemaking. Remember you are the "slave" just asking for a place to live. You are so passive, you dont even feel you deserve a husband all for yourself. You simply ask for a roof over your head and to not be beaten.
Remember your place, You are worth nothing. She is everything to your husband now. Your job is to pray for her and please her and to do everything for her that will make her happy and make it easier for her to move in and steal your husband.
Last edited by Stellakat; 06/22/08 02:00 PM.
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Brown, at this time, you are being as passive as a person can get.
ARE YOU NOT GETTING ANGRY THAT HE IS BALLING ANOTHER WOMAN??? IN YOUR BED???? I WOULD BE FURIOUS!!!!
Right now, YOU are leaning toward and actually moving toward several "passive" scenereos I have lined out in my other post.
If you keep being this terribly passive, you can be assured one of these scenereos is going to happen.
To get your husband back you have to be stronger than you ever have before. You have to be SUCCESSFULLY CARRYING OUT A STRONG PLAN B, you have to have protections in place.
Dont you think you are worth ANYTHING?
Last edited by Stellakat; 06/22/08 01:55 PM.
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To get your husband back you have to be stronger than you ever have before. You have to be SUCCESSFULLY CARRYING OUT A STRONG PLAN B, you have to have protections in place.
Dont you think you are worth ANYTHING? EXACTLY!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Stella, She doesn't live in the house anymore, when she moved out, he moved in OW. BUT....if she did and if she had stayed, I think the scenarious would play out EXACTLY the way that you have stated. Brown, He is treating you the same way that Stella has suggested, even with you sleeping in a different place. From Dr. Harley (this is in even greater detail in your book) Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. Write your Plan B letter. Post it here and you'll get some input from your friends here. Is there any Financial Support that you depend on him for at this time? Do you work with him? I noticed in some posts that you cross paths in the parking lot. Do you still live near them? Please explain.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Is there any Financial Support that you depend on him for at this time? No I am not financially depended on him at all. I have always maintained my independence in that respect Do you work with him? I noticed in some posts that you cross paths in the parking lot. I don't work with him. We cross paths because we use the same train station to get into town (it being the nearest one to us) Do you still live near them?
Please explain. My dad's home is nearby. I chose this rental apartment due to the proximity to my family.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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ARE YOU NOT GETTING ANGRY THAT HE IS BALLING ANOTHER WOMAN??? IN YOUR BED???? I WOULD BE FURIOUS!!!! I am angry, i did get angry at him for letting her speak to me like that. He said that when he told her that he was going to leave her - she tried to commit suicide by trying to slit her wrists and then she tried strangulating herself.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Can you change your work schedule so that you would never cross paths with him at the train station?
It just GAGS me that she is doing these things at your expense.
Maybe you can pretend that your WH is gone to WAR and you are at home working on being a strong woman so that you can be there for him when he comes back. No contact, you can't see him and he can't write to you, but one day you know he will return.
Let them wallow in their misery together. Right now he still has YOU to keep him balanced, he knows that he can play this game for awhile, but you will always be there for him. That's why he asked you yesterday if you could come home to him in the morning. SICKENING!
Man up Brown (as women can!)
1. write your Plan B letter
2. change your cell phone and home phone numbers
3. move to a different apartment where he cannot find you
4. choose a mediator that he can communicate with when he has finally kicked her out and gotten into counseling, NO SOONER!
5. go to a CODA or Alanon meeting
6. see IC
7. work on your career
8. work on buying your own home
9. be the start in your career again like you have been, be there for people like you used to be
10. day by day by day by day by day....YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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I agree with ONLYU that he IS treating you BADLY...
BUT, he is GARDEN-VARIETY ADDICTED WAYWARD SPOUSE...
NO DIFFERENT..NO WORSE..than MOST or MANY HERE...
A WAYWARD SPOUSE IS AN ADDICT...they will stoop to the LOWEST of LOWS to maintain THE ADDICTION...
My HUSBAND DID AS MUCH OR WORSE..
And we have been HAPPILY RECOVERED for almost 5 years...
Follow the MBers' Plans..
PLAN B is what is needed.... Brown, Mimi is right. Your WS is treating you badly, BUT BUT BUT BUT He is an ADDICT/WAYWARD/ALIEN.....and they WILL stoop low to do anything to keep up the addiction. Actually, I think they stoop even LOWER to fence-sit. Mine did as much and even worse....REALLY (you read my story. Its all there. And heck, our kids were involved as well....not cool at all)......You have to develope a tough skin to deal with it and get past it..... Anyway, follow Mimi...she knows....and she'll push ya along....that I know....  not2fun
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Mimi
I also now know why my in laws r ignoring me. She has got to them too. She's been talking to the entire family, telling them i am a crap wife n that i am stopping them both from being happy.
They don't love or care about me at all - they think he deserves better than me n that she is perfect.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Are you a crappy wife?
Is there anything you do or do not do that would make them say that about you?
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He said that when he told her that he was going to leave her - she tried to commit suicide by trying to slit her wrists and then she tried strangulating herself. Since you are still in PLAN A, you CAN talk to HIM, still.. He doesn't like this EMOTIONAL STUFF, right? You know that from his reaction to you. So do you think it might be helpful to say something like: "I'm thankful that I've gotten so strong. I've found it's better not to be too emotional about this stuff.. or something like that..WITHOUT MAKING REFERENCE TO HER... "I've decided it's not worth killing myself over..I'm going to try to enjoy my life..life is much too short.." PLAY UP YOUR EMOTIONAL STRENGTH to him....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Refresh my memory could you Brown?
How long has he been involved in this affair?
How long have you been living elsewhere, away from him and your rental home?
Have you moved all your stuff out of there yet?
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I have been going to work a lot earlier, evenings is a bit unpredictable, first couple of times he intentionally bumped into me. I then really had a go at him n now he rings me if he happens to leave at the same time as me.
I am getting a new phone. I can't move house, as my dad lives in this house n i can't leave him due to his heart problems and health.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Mimi
I also now know why my in laws r ignoring me. She has got to them too. She's been talking to the entire family, telling them i am a crap wife n that i am stopping them both from being happy.
They don't love or care about me at all - they think he deserves better than me n that she is perfect. YOU HAVE TO RISE ABOVE THESE NUTTY PEOPLE!! Hopefully, your WH can get away from them, too... I can relate... I HAVE SOME NUTTY INLAWS, TOO..LOL...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Posts: 365
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Are you a crappy wife?
Is there anything you do or do not do that would make them say that about you? No Stella, misunderstood but not crappy. They resented that i looked after my dad n didn't give WH the same attention. Some of which i agree with. But these are the same people who were upset with me for not spending time with them when they were visting the UK for the first time because my mom was in ICU when they arrived and died 4 days later. They have always complained about this. I lost my mom - i was in mourning - i wasn't in the mood to socialise!!
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Refresh my memory could you Brown?
How long has he been involved in this affair?
How long have you been living elsewhere, away from him and your rental home?
Have you moved all your stuff out of there yet? Affair started in December 07 I have been out of home since Jan 08 I haven't moved all of my stuff - the artefacts are still there
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Thank you N2F
I hope u r feeling better now?
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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