Here's the situation. My wife and I have been together for 6+ years. We have been married for 18 months. We have had some problems in our relationship in the past. Our main problem is that we do not resolve conflict well. It has driven a wedge between us.

We decided last year to move to a different state, mainly because we are too stressed out where we live now. She didn't like her job, and I work too many hours. We never see each other, and when we do, it's not always the quality time we expect. She has found employment in the place we decided to move to already and has moved and is working. Our relationship has been rocky, but I am convinced that it's nothing that can't be fixed with some couples counseling. We have tried counseling, but on an individual level, and it didn't seem to help "us".

However, now I know (through phone records, and in reading her e-mails - yes, I know I am wrong for invading her privacy - but I felt I needed to because my gut instinct told me something was going on) that an ex co-worker of hers is going to visit her this 4th of July weekend. The e-mails between the two have been inappropriate (talking about past and future sexual desires and experiences, him mailing a picture of himself in his underwear, etc).

Before she made the move (because of financial reasons, she had to move down by herself), I told her I wanted to visit 4th of July weekend. It was difficult for me to get the cash to fly down there for a visit, but I now have the means. Now, she is telling me that she is going "camping" on the 4th of July and she doesn't want me to come down, because it would be an imposition on the people hosting the camping. What she doesn't know, is that I know (through her e-mail) that her "friend" is going down there the 4th of July weekend.

She has told me about this "friend" in passing. She also mentioned that he has plans to come down to visit her and go golfing. When I asked (after I already knew he was coming down) when he was making the trip, she said that she "really has no idea".

Now, because I am concerned about my marriage, and because I feel the need to confront the situation, I have bought a plane ticket down there the same weekend that her "friend" is going down. I am on the same flight as the other guy (sitting next to him in fact). My plan is to confront them both, and have her make a decision on how she wants to spend the rest of her life, married, or with someone else.

Part of me says this is the right thing to do... Maybe I have seen too many episodes of "Cheaters" on TV. I am thinking maybe I should change my flight plans, and head down there THIS weekend instead, and confront her, without embarrassing her in front of this guy. The only problem, is that at this point, if we are able to work things out, I can't trust her that she will tell this guy not to come 4th of July weekend. If I go down there early, do I insist that she end everything with him immediately?

Is there anything I can do to save my marriage? I understand why she is seeking an emotional connection with someone else. Her needs (nor mine) are not met at home. I am willing to forgive her for getting close emotionally with someone. It hurts me, however, to know that she is doing this, and that she is being so secretive about the whole situation, and blatantly lying to me.

In this next week, how can I possibly confront this situation? I feel that I can safely mention to her that I know about her phone calls (they are all tracked online through our cell phone carrier). I feel that reading her e-mail is the only way that I will ever know the truth. I deserve to know the truth, and I guess that means she does as well. Part of me wants to tell her everything, part of me wants to know the truth if she decides to tell me that everything is "OK" and that they are just friends (although, I will undoubtedly have a hard time believing such a comment at this point).

Do I take the high road, and come clean with what I know, and hope that she comes clean and cuts off all ties with this other guy? How can I possibly be assured that everything has come clean? Or, do I stoop to her level, get on that play July 3rd, and confront them both? (Something tells me I have my answer, I just need some help in finding the right things to say to her, and I would rather talk to her in person).

I really need some advice, and quickly.

My opinion is that you should go the 4th of July, but I wouldn't surprise her. Let her know that you are coming. If she says it would be an inconvenience for you to join the camping trip, then tell her that you would like her to skip it (or the two of you can go camping alone) so you can spend some time together. Another suggestion would be to buy a copy of His Needs Her Needs and take it with you. When you see your wife, tell her that you know about the other man and want her to end her relationship with him. Tell her you understand that there have been problems in the marriage but you love her and want to make the marriage better. Give her the book and tell her that you believe it contains a plan that could help the two of you get the marriage you both want.

GO!!!! Your wife maybe in an EA but she's setting up for a PA that weekend. Camping is a great excuse. She out in the woods, no way to communicate and she couldn't get cell phone service out there. Translation, she wants to spend the entire weekend in bed with this idiot without you trying to contact her every ten minutes.GO! Besides you already have the ticket and they're non-refundable. If this guy is flying in too, then you can probably guess that she's going to pick him up at the airport and you got to be curious about the look on her face when she sees you both walk through the security gate together! I'm not sure about sitting next to him though. You may be tempted to confront on the plane and that might not be good. However, I'd be willing to bet that there is no camping trip that weekend.

You have a good game plan. Sit away from OM on plane. If you can't, avoid talking to OM on plane.

I would not warn wife about your arrival.

Married women do not have male friends show for weekend visits when their husbands are out of town.

My suggestion to notify your wife is for your benefit not hers. First, you said you have watched cheaters... then you should know that confronting a WW and the OM can turn ugly fast. Second, if your wife knows you are coming and has to cancel with the OM, then he's out the money AND has to sit all weekend wondering what you and your wife are doing. Third, showing up unexpectedly is going to immediately put her in defensive mode, which equals closed minded. Since you want her to be open-minded to giving up the OM and working on the marriage, I don't think it is productive to start your effort with her being ticked and defensive. Just my two cents.

Is the OM M'd?

If so, OM's W needs to know of his plans to cheat on her.

You see, your task at this moment is to make it as uncomfortable as possible for her to continue her A. Do NOT try to reason your WW out of her A - that's like trying to reason with a crack addict in the middle of a high. Plan A is your toolkit, and exposure is a weapon in that toolkit; one of the better ones too. Use it well and her A might end immediately.

You may want to consider flying in the day before, then telling your WW what you know of her plans, without giving away the source of your information.

Welcome Sundevil. sorry that you find yourself here and in this situation. I would suggest that you move your question to the GQ forum. You need the advise of the experts here. How you handle these next few weeks, especially the 4th of July weekend, will determine whether or not your marriage survives this EA,

It sounds to me like if this is not yet a PA, that weekend will be when they cross the line. You need to do the very best long distance Plan A possible.

You are not invading your wife's privacy. She is betraying your marriage vows. Gather all of the info that you can from phone records and e-mail. It will help you to fight this.

God's Blessings,

Say

I am really sorry about your situation, but if it were me. I would play stupid. I'd go and if I saw my wife at the airport I say something like, "How did you you know I was coming in? I was going to surprise YOU!" I'd have flowers too. If she asked me what I was doing there? I'd tell the truth," I love you and I really missed you. I want to spend every waking second with you. Besides, I'm gonna be moving down here anyway and I wanted to get a feel for this place." You may find out the Camping trip was canceled at the last second. WOW, How Lucky are you!!!If the idiot had any sense he'll bypass the both of you. But if he doesn't the wife may introduce him as the "friend". I'd be like, "Oh, the one that plays golf! Hey Man! What's up! I'm starved, let's find a TGIF and get some baby backs!" catch up on old times! Then kick his player butt to a hotel, cause you haven't seen your wife for a while and you want to spend some "quite" time if you know what I mean. Moral of the story, dude spends a bunch of money to get down the only to end up alone in a strange place cleaning his clubs. Meanwhile, spend that time truthly trying to reconnect with your wife.

Saynomore is absolutely right! Get this to the General question forum, there are alot of people there with tons of experience and great advice. I'm gonna shut up because I have way too much of an active imagination. But, I'm still holding to my guns! GO!!!!

[quote=saynomore]Welcome Sundevil. sorry that you find yourself here and in this situation. I would suggest that you move your question to the GQ forum. You need the advise of the experts here. How you handle these next few weeks, especially the 4th of July weekend, will determine whether or not your marriage survives this EA,

It sounds to me like if this is not yet a PA, that weekend will be when they cross the line. You need to do the very best long distance Plan A possible.

You are not invading your wife's privacy. She is betraying your marriage vows. Gather all of the info that you can from phone records and e-mail. It will help you to fight this.

God's Blessings,



Yep what Saynomore said!

Talk to the dude about camping since you will be sitting next to him on the flight. DON'T pry.

Wear cap and glasses in case he is met by your missus at the air port.

Confront the two and ask them candidly how long the affair has been going on. (Don't ask why... the affair)
Don't divulge your source of info -You may still need it...

Ask your wife if she is still committed to the marriage.

Ask him if he wants her.

Tell them both that you are committed to the marriage and that you will do what you have to do to mend fences. Try to be matter-of-fact and businesslike - Show leadership and caring in a crisis.

Now carry on reading MB as to restoring the relationship!

I would say don't talk to OM at all!! Don't sit by him. Don't even fly in with him. Don't make him a part of your marriage. He obviously does not respect marriage and especially not yours as he is trying to destroy it.

Don't surprise your wife. Go and don't let her talk you out of it. Read everything you can get your hands on on this site about Plan A. Plan A by phone until you get there then spend the weekend being the guy she fell in love with. Don't talk problems in the relationship. Don't talk other man. I don't believe that I would even confront her about OM at that time. Remind her of what she is throwing away.

Again, post this question on GQ.

God's Blessings,

Say

A M of 18 months should not have issues of infidelity. This is a huge sign. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period where you only have eyes for each other.

Now might be a good time to confront, and decide what direction to take as result.

Questions..

Do you have any kids? I assume not, that makes things far less complicated.

What do you know about OM? married, girlfriend? Important info for exposure. Busting up the fantasy weekend planned might be easy if he is attached to someone else.

Consider...

You arrive same day as OM.
You confront WW regarding the A.

You might spoil the weekend, but she will spend the weekend with OM. she will contact him, be with him, and cut off contact with you.

In her fogged view. she will justify her weekend with how you are the sneaky bad guy for showing up to spoil her plans.

Your already mad at her. she would rather deal with you later, and long distance.

what are you going to do while your there alone, and she has gone into hiding?

showing up would be effective, but you might plan to leave immediately after arriving.

I believe you need a plan that begins now, and includes full on exposure prior to the 4th weekend.

-JKT

Re: Saynomore

I tend to agree with Saynomore about not speaking. Sadly Mr SD has a seat right next to OP.

I believe, like Saynomore that a PA is imminent.

It is my opinion that prevention is better than cure.

However, I have no way of knowing how delicately Mr SunD can manage this situation in present state of fog.

I think timing is crucial. I tend to believe, and if I interpret MB correctly, to maximise exposure.
A covert meeting alone with another man would qualify to me, as busted.
As in my previous post I would confront directly and embarrass OP and WW to the max.

Boundaries need be established early in this marriage.


May God overrule regardless of action or advice...

Hello,
I think that there is a good chance that this OM will not fly down there to see your WW. This would be a very good outcome. You need to decide how you are going to handle him. Do you know him? You could call him in advance and tell him that you know what's up and that you have every intention of fighting to save your marriage. If you do that, it will give OM an opportunity to call your WW and they will have a chance to act as each other's support against you. Or, you can just meet him at the airport and tell him you know what's up and that you are going to fight for your marriage. Quite likely he will not want such a scene in that new town and he won't take the flight. In that scenario, he looks like a cop-out and like your WW is not worth all the trouble of dealing with YOU.

Of course, he'll likely say--what?? I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't going to see WW. Or, he'll say, she told me you two were no longer together, or I was just going to say hi to her, or I was going to camp with them as I know her friends down there, I was not going there just to see her--some blah blah blah like that.

How did you find out he was going to be your seat mate? Anyway, you want to appear that you are that Strong Husband, looking out to work hard with your WW, fix the marriage and live happily ever after. You want him to look like the weak guy who folded when he saw he would have to work hard for your WW's attention. What ever you do--keep your cool, don't raise your voice to him, sound firm and determined. Nothing wrong with subtle threats as long as you can keep control of your emotions. Some guys on these boards have been not so sublte and have had good outcome, but I don't think it's good to encourage it. Stay out of jail.

I would be surprised if it isn't or hasn't been physical already.

By all means interrupt this meeting at all costs. If you don't and she follows through (which she CLEARLY intends to do), you will live the rest of your life wondering why you didn't do everything in your power to rescue her from her own sorry a**. If you love her you must try to protect her from this other A-hole.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you reveal how you know what you know. She will simply get better at deceiving you. Don't help her build a better mousetrap...

She is a wayward wife. She will spew the most ridiculous hurtful nonsense at you. Do not give any creedence whatsoever to what she says.

If you truly want to save your marriage, she cannot have any contact with this philanderer. Grab her by the ear and drag her home(metaphorically, of course). She is acting like a child, and someone (you) needs to be the adult.

If you don't have kids, I'd seriously consider letting her know that you know she's F-ing someone else and tell her you're done. You must mean it though. If she has any feelings whatsoever for you this may shock her out of her fog. Be firm but not disrespectful to her.

You need to stay on the high road. Be someone YOU can admire regardless of whether she pulls her head out of her wayward *ss or not.

Great plan IMO going down there to confront.

Sensing a little tension in my post? Good. It's there partly because I did not do everything I could to prevent my (F)WW from taking her EA to it's only inevitable conclusion.

The time to act is now. You have a good plan. Follow through.

Believe me, you don't want to have to live with knowing you didn't do whatever you could to save your marriage and protect the one you vowed to protect, even if sadly it is from herself.

I wish you strength and hope,

TTH

Hi,

Sorry for not responding earlier...

I thought I'd get an e-mail telling me when I got any responses, but I guess not (might have to check into that option).

So, no I don't believe that my WW and this OM are camping... Knowing my wife, I believe that her roommates are probably going out camping, and she will likely have the house to herself, thus inviting OM down to come stay with her.

I know they are planning to go to a concert on Saturday. I believe those plans will not be going through.

I'm keeping a cool head with all of this. I have time to rehearse what I'm going to say, and how I'm going to say it... I am new to this site, can someone tell me where to find Plan A? I will look but just in case, I'd like to come back to this thread to see.

I don't believe that the A has crossed into the physical realm yet... I believe from one of her e-mails, that she asked him to send a picture of his butt (which he did)... It was a pretty unsexy picture at best (thank god he was wearing underwear - again, not even sexy underwear). In her reply, she said, "That doesn't show me much... Guess I will have to see in person). I wouldn't be surprised if more risque pictures are passing back and forth via the cell phone.

I just got off the phone with her. I called her and let her know that I know she's been talking to this guy at late night hours, and that I feel it's in appropriate. She says that she doesn't care what I think. She's "happy" and talking to him makes her even happier. She doesn't know I've checked into her e-mail, and I don't plan on telling her. She accused me of invading her privacy by checking her cell/text records. I told her that I only was checking into them because I had a strong feeling that something was going on. I told her that I know she lied to me (on a few occasions, she told me that her roommate was calling to end our conversation, when in fact it was this OM). I said that I don't appreciate being lied to. She said that she wasn't lying, and that I was wrong to accuse her of such a thing. She mentioned twice in our conversation that she isn't happy and would rather just have a divorce. I told her that I realize our marriage hasn't been 24/7 happiness and fun... I said that I think it's wrong to think that it will be that way. She said that she doesn't want to live her life unhappy, and that I make her unhappy. I said that I was concerned about her feelings, and I hope that she is happy now that she is where she is, and that I hope she finds true happiness within herself in everything that she is doing down there.

Anyway, I'm going to go try to find that Plan A, and hopefully, I'm doing stuff right... Is there anyway this thread can be moved to the other forum? Or should I just repost over there?

Also, the OM (as far I know) is not married. He's 27 (from his MySpace Page), I'm 32, and my wife is 36... I'm pretty sure some young kid isn't going to want to get involved with anything like this. Should I expose him to his friends (on his MySpace page?) or just let him know when I see him that this is going on and that he's messing with my wife and my marriage?

I think exposing them at the airport will keep everyone safe... there are always cops around, and there will likely be at least 80 or more people there (getting off the same plane).

I plan to just let the guy know that I know who he is, I know why he's there, and that I'm there to save my marriage with my wife... I imagine she's either told him that she's already divorced or "separated" (she's been throwing that term around a lot lately with me, how she wants to be separated so that she can find herself and be happy - unfortunately, I honestly don't feel she's looking very deep within herself...)....

P.S....

I cross-posted here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079763#Post2079763

He's got a MySpace page? From the info on his page, does he look like a "player"? Does he know your WW's age?

Hi MySpace page might be a good target for exposure, though I wouldn't suggest posting that picture he sent to your WW up there...

Here's my two cents:

Don't tell your WW, but fly down the same weekend as OM. Don't talk with OM on the plane.

When you get to the airport, call WW and surprise her.

Then you need to tell her you know about OM. You know that they have talked many times and you know that their discussions have been inappropriate. You know that OM has traveled to see WW this weekend. Don't tell her how you know (she may change passwords and you need to be able to monitor it). BTW, You have EVERY right to read her emails. There are no secrets in a M. See what she says.

Spend the entire weekend with her (thus averting a possible PA).

Depending on her response, you will have a few options.

If she comes clean...then you need to move your butt to the same state and start rebuilding your marriage. A M can survive being broke, but it cannot survive extended separation.

If she denies...then you start Plan A. You still need to move, but your actions will be different. You will need to expose the A to EVERYONE who might have influence over her.

BTW, I'm sure you are thinking about how you cannot afford to move to this other state yet. But you need to really think about whether or not money is more important than your M. It really comes down to that. You can live on very little money if you have to. But you cannot recover your marriage if you are not living together.