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Mimi
I also now know why my in laws r ignoring me. She has got to them too. She's been talking to the entire family, telling them i am a crap wife n that i am stopping them both from being happy.
They don't love or care about me at all - they think he deserves better than me n that she is perfect. YOU HAVE TO RISE ABOVE THESE NUTTY PEOPLE!! Hopefully, your WH can get away from them, too... I can relate... I HAVE SOME NUTTY INLAWS, TOO..LOL... WH thinks they r wonderful n right. The wayside mind is really twisted N humans in general can b twisted, i don't know how they can live with themselves. WH's brother's wife is supporting OW - i think she needs to go thru this pain to understand how it feels, some women don't hv a clue!!
Last edited by browneyes35; 06/22/08 04:57 PM.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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WH thinks they r wonderful n right. I told U to stop listening to him. THEY ARE ALL NUTS!! Disassociate yourself from them! That should be a MAJOR PART OF YOUR PLAN!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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WH thinks they r wonderful n right. I told U to stop listening to him. THEY ARE ALL NUTS!! Disassociate yourself from them! That should be a MAJOR PART OF YOUR PLAN!! U r right - they r all nuts n heartless. Mimi - did u know Mimi means 'I' in swahili? By the way i bought a nice mini dress today (not too revealing as such) but for a change i can show off my legs. WH was too possessive. Last week i wore a short dress n my friends said no wonder H never wanted me to show my legs, he probably felt threatened. i felt so great, that i am still attractive. Amazing how one can let someone else crash one's self esteem.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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How did you end up moving out? Did he ask you to move or did you just move?
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How did you end up moving out? Did he ask you to move or did you just move? I was staying with my dad as he was unwell and my H had gone overseas. When H came back I stayed with my dad as he was still unwell and most of my clothes were at dad's. In the meantime i found out about the affair. H then kept on staying at her place. Then she suddenly handed in the notice on her place. He started talking about reconciling and before I could move back in, she moved in bcos she had no where to stay and then just stayed and now stays there like she is the wife.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Brown,
I'm going to become the broken record on your thread.
It's time for Plan B. You've done what you can and he's fence sitting and treating you very badly.
Plan B is for you. So let this man go and think of yourself.
Plan B is very hard (from what I've read) in the first few weeks as you go through your own withdrawl. It is time to let go now. He will either come back or he won't, but you'll be removing yourself from the drama and protecting your heart.
Please don't be a doormat anymore.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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WH thinks they r wonderful n right. I told U to stop listening to him. THEY ARE ALL NUTS!! Disassociate yourself from them! That should be a MAJOR PART OF YOUR PLAN!! LMAO....I swear I thought that this whole thing was taken from MY thread..... Brown, Honestly, you sound like me, and Mimi sounds like Mimi.... listen to her, not your WS.... not2fun
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Mimi - did u know Mimi means 'I' in swahili? LMAO..... Bawwwwhhaaaaaaa....... Now THAT is funny......  not2fun
Last edited by not2fun; 06/23/08 10:09 AM.
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I was going to Plan B and WH has beat me to it! He wants no contact with me ever again.
He wants me to leave him alone and never speak to him again
He is upset with me for not speaking up when I saw her and also for snapping at him for not standing up for me in front of her. He is tired of trying to do the right thing and that I have been putting pressure on him. I am weak and he doesn't want me any longer!
I am heartbroken.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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He is tired of trying to do the right thing Browneyes, I certainly hope you recognize this for what it is. You can STILL do your plan B letter. Plan B is for YOU, not him. He says ALOT of things... why take this one seriously? It's painful to watch how he manipulates you. Remove yourself from the drama so you can start to heal. (((Browneyes)))
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Brown, Wow! He is upset with me for not speaking up when I saw her So is he asking you to fight his battles? So he put you in a situation to "battle" with this OW so he could watch the 2 of you and get off on it. Sick, sick, sick. I hope you are working on your Plan B letter today. When will you have a new cell phone? Is that the only number he calls you on? When will you go to a Codependency or Alanon support group meeting? You need as much support around you as possible. This board can only do so much, you need some real people that live near you that you can incorporate into your friend circle that can help you be strong when you feel like driving to his home because he asked you to or you run into him at the train station. He has played mind games with you to the point of you believing everything he has said. Mimi has mentioned to you over and over and over again about taking care of yourself and becoming a STRONG woman. What do you think it will take for that to happen? I think many of us would like to fly right out to where you are and walk you through it. We luv ya Brown!!
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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I was going to Plan B and WH has beat me to it! He wants no contact with me ever again.he wants me to leave him alone and never speak to him again
He is upset with me for not speaking up when I saw her and also for snapping at him for not standing up for me in front of her.
He is tired of trying to do the right thing and that I have been putting pressure on him.
I am weak and he doesn't want me any longer!
I am heartbroken. ((((Brown)))) TAKE A DEEP BREATH..... Of course you are heartbroken....this is you fighting for your H (not the WS...  ) and you M....What is important to YOU. Now, so what if he Plan B's you (yep, my WS tried the SAME thing....know why??? So he can continue in his garbage GUILT free.... ). So what if he does it??? What does that mean to you??? That you no longer have to be part of the drama??? YOu can finally heal in peace??? YOu can concentrate on you??? And what will you be missing with him ignoring you??? His guilt?? His lack of morals??? His disgusting ways of making you feel inferior??? Write your letter and get your ducks in a row anyway. This is for YOU. Not for him. Let him stew in his mess. Its his problem not YOURS. The thing is Brown, I suspect he will not be able to pull off Plan B nearly as well as he thinks. And if/when you go into yours, he is going to rattle your cage as hard as he can. Just to see if you can do it. Define YOUR boundaries, shore up your lines, and dig deep. You must stay strong for this. Plan B will not do you any good if you cannot stick to it...... HE IS TIRED OF DOING THE RIGHT THING????.... Seriously, that is just TOO messed up. I cannot not even comment on that.... I AM WEAK AND HE DOESN'T WANT ME ANY LONGER.... This is what Mimi has been trying to tell you. Your WS wants a strong woman. Someone who can stand up for herself. Especially right now, because he knows that he is in NO POSITION to save you. So lets give him the strong woman that he wants. One that has enough self-worth and morals that would not take an adulterous man. Make yourself worthy and valuable enough for HIM to want to WORK to get YOU BACK........ not2fun
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I find it very interesting that her WH is with a very weak woman...fakes illness, cries, etc.
So do we think that her H wants a STRONG woman because that is common sense to us or because he has shown the desire for that?
I believe this is the case....
AND with this being the case, how great will it be Brown if you become that SUPER STRONG WOMAN while the OW stays weak...manipulating...etc.
How attractive you will be. I think this is exactly what Mimi was saying as one of the many reasons to be strong.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Guys ie Princess, Only, N2F, Mimi, Stella, Q and everyone else
I have tears in my eyes and not bcos I am sad, but bcos I am overwhelmed with the love you have all given me.
It does hurt that H who is supposed to b my family cannot b there for me, and yet I am blessed to hv love from people who only know me from what I post.
I can't thank you all enough.
I am going to do Plan B. WH has agreed to spend a day with me - Wednesday so that I can end on a good note. Is that a good idea?
I am going to draft my Plan B letter.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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:eek: :eek: :eek:
When I read that.....I took a big HUGE noticeable DEEP BREATH!!
Hmm...
I'm going to wait and hear what Mimi has to say about that.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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After him telling me that he wants no contact with me, he then sends me a conversation he had with his niece (as below) and that this should help me. I have edited for the irrelevant bitsI don't know, what do people think?
12:51 Niece: wat r u duin?
12:52 WH: checking mails.. surfing.. chatting ... and listening to thousands of funny conversations happening inside my head at the same time
12:53 WH: If I could listen to all of them and make sense of them.. I would be able to become the best script writer in the world
12:53 WH: how about you? How was your day?
12:54 Niece: ha ha ha..first half was good remainin half had a fight with my bro ..howz weather there?
12:54 WH: perfect
12:58 Niece: no dbt...i feel extremely splendid talkn to u 2day itz been decadEs since v guys chatted..
12:58 WH: true.. same here
12:59 WH: howz Ma/Pa?
12:59 Niece: n v all hav been misin u a lot...ma pa nani all r good..ma n nani keeps worryn abt u
12:59 Niece: all the tim
12:59 WH: what about u?
12:59 WH: do you also worry?
13:00 Niece: no ..i find u the most sensible dude around i know u can tacle probs..
13:01 Niece: but in my personal life i do worry..
13:01 WH: hmm.. thanks for the compliment.. just for your info.. I also used to think exactly the same way!!
13:02 Niece: used to think? dnt u belive in urself nw?
13:05 Niece: tell tell..
13:06 WH: let me explain..
13:07 Niece: sure go ahead
13:07 WH: my motto in life used to be -- "God..I can tackle any problem in life..try as much as you can.. but you cannot trouble me"
13:07 WH: not exactly the same words..
13:07 Niece: hm...
13:08 Niece: then
13:10 WH: but in some ways.. I was challenging God..to test me..and I was thinking that no matter what.. I can always manage to tackle everything
13:11 WH: I guess there was something good and something bad about what I used to think..
13:12 Niece: hmm..wat made u change ur thnkn thn..did smthn hapn whch u cudnt manage..?
13:12 WH: good thing was the confidence and the willingness to face any challenge...
13:13 Niece: yes n bad..?
13:13 WH: the wrong thing was to challenge god in that way..it is not good to do that.. it implies arrogance or impunity
13:14 WH: the great thing about God is that he always gives us what we ask for..
13:14 Niece: trnot alwaz..
13:14 Niece: not alwaz
13:14 WH: without ever bothering to check if it is good for us or not.. because he thinks that everything is good in the long run..
13:14 WH: he does..
13:15 Niece: ok..
13:15 WH: the point is that he gives us everything that we ask for .. either consciously or subconsciously
13:15 WH: so when we have any dreams.. he will work to make them come true.. but he will not differenciate between a dream or a nightmare..
13:15 WH: so my wishes or my fears.... may both get accepted and actualised
13:15 WH: u get that?
13:16 Niece: yes i did...
13:16 WH: if I fear failure.. I will fail..
13:16 WH: and if I ask for trouble??
13:16 WH: .....!! your guess is as good as mine!!
13:19 WH: u there?
13:19 Niece: ya ma called..but i still dont agree on one thng...he doent alwz gives us wat v ask 4.
13:20 WH: do we always know what we want in life?
13:20 Niece: yes i do..
13:20 WH: give me any one example...
13:21 Niece: mmmm...a stable and good carrer
13:22 WH: career
13:22 Niece: yes...
13:22 WH: the first point is that you should know how to spell what you want correctly..!!
13:22 WH: otherwise it can get misinterpreted in God's computer
13:25 Niece: ma cald up again..am sorry some spellings still confuse me.
13:25 WH:
13:25 WH: That was besides the point
13:25 WH: let me tell you..
13:25 Niece: yes..
13:25 WH: a good and stable career.. is something that you can get by your own self..you don't need God to do you any favours to get that
13:26 WH: What God will do is to give you experiences.. good, tough, nice, horrible..
13:26 WH: and then he will want you to learn through these experiences..
13:26 WH: and become better.. stronger..more stable..and balanced
13:27 WH: so that along with a good career..you can also have a good life.. a good outlook..a good approach.. a good attitude
13:29 Niece: i simply love talkn to u...ur th only one whom i find the most sensible person around..i'll surely understand all this and even imply it by givn my 100 percent to things..
13:29 WH: now he is giving more than you asked for.. the problem can sometimes be in the way we accept what he gives..
13:29 WH: if we are thankless for the good experiences.. their benefits won't stick
13:30 WH: if we feel sad about the bitter experiences.. we won't learn from them
13:30 WH: if we fear the tough experiences... we won't get stronger
13:30 WH: getting the idea/
13:31 Niece: very much indeed..
13:31 WH: and sometimes.. not starting with a stable career.. can help drive a person to getting better.. trying harder.. improving.. and then trying again
13:31 Niece: true..
13:33 WH: cool..
13:33 WH: so we were talking about my stupid wish to God
13:34 WH: is this conversation interesting?
13:35 Niece: u wont belive it but jst a second b4 i saved all this to my notepad so that i can read n learn frm it everyday!!
13:35 Niece: i swear.
13:35 WH: u don't need to swear... i trust you
13:36 Niece: okzz ,4 now letz talk abt ur stupid wish..
13:37 WH: so i attracted all kinds of problems...
13:37 WH: and started taking on the challenge that i can overcome everything
13:38 Niece: hmmm.
13:39 WH: the most unique and interesting experiences that I could never have imagined..
13:42 WH: the funny thing is that God is good at keeping his commitments..
13:42 WH: so the more I tackle.. the harder he makes them
13:42 WH: and with no bad intentions...
13:43 WH: in his opinion.. these are all experiences.. and nothing else
13:43 WH: he does not want to hurt..or to bend..or to break..
13:44 WH: he just wants the lessons to be learnt.. the spirit to be enriched..and the overall improvement in the personality.. he is always striving to help make me purer..and better..
13:44 WH: it takes time...
13:44 WH: it takes a lot of troubles..
13:44 WH: some of them direct.. and some indirect..(again experiences..)... to break me...
13:45 WH: the great thing is that he is not breaking me.. he is helping me break my EGO..
13:45 WH: and I am learning with each experience..
13:45 WH: maybe slower at times..
13:46 WH: but getting the message...that it is not about challenging God.. but it is about asking him for the strength and conviction to do what is the right thing..at all times..
13:47 WH: to ask not for a challenge..but the humility and grace that can allow one to take on more responsibilities and deliver better response/performance
13:47 WH: so I used to think like that..
13:48 WH: and now I am getting wiser
13:49 Niece: hhmm..i can see that! but mama very frankly asn hw u managed to overcome ur bad exp. n troubles....itz my weak point i cant handle bad thngs..specially in personal life n people closely linked with me.
13:49 WH: that's the point..
13:50 WH: I have not managed to overcome my bad experiences..and troubles.. all the time..
13:50 WH: there have been many mistakes..and many failures..
13:50 WH: and many bitter experiences..
13:51 WH: the way your Ma/Nani worry about me... and my own parents worry about me.. but I am not able to give them the one happiness that they ask for..
13:51 WH: is a sad thing..
13:52 WH: it is not that I don't want them to be happy.. but just that I am struggling to make it happen..and can't get everything sorted..
13:52 WH: the simple point..and something that I am realising through today's conversation is that..it is not about the successes/failures at all
13:54 WH: your mail yesterday..and our conversation today..are not a coincidence..
13:55 WH: these are happening as another experience.. which can help you and me learn from the others..and get better
13:55 Niece: yes maybe gods solvn our probs by seding answers in ths way..
13:56 WH: perfect
13:56 WH: and sometimes he sends his angels to play a game of hide and seek...and teach those lessons..
13:57 WH: just like you have been that angel today
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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:eek: :eek: :eek:
When I read that.....I took a big HUGE noticeable DEEP BREATH!!
Hmm...
I'm going to wait and hear what Mimi has to say about that. Ok - i am not good at these emoticons - but that sounded bad and the hmm sounded even worse Someone come n knock some sense into me -u know half of the time i feel my brain is completely lost n i see no reason any longer in anything
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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I am drafting Plan B letter but that hurts so much.
Not being able to speak to him, see him at all.
I can't stop crying.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Brown, It will hurt writing it, it is a sad situation. It's ok to cry. But you have to be ready to dust yourself off and get back up. Being strong doesn't mean you won't "feel" things. I'm waiting to hear what Mimi says about him wanting to spend the day with you on Wednesday (my whole reason for gasping and being dumbfounded earlier). Dr. Harley: Unless plan A leaves the wayward spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." This could be a critical meeting and how you pull it off could be critical to your ability to be in Plan B and your ultimate Recovery.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Brown.
See the message below for a BS who's WH was still in contact with the OW from Dr. Harley. I have bolded some areas that I think fit your situation.
_____________________________________
mtkat:
I agree with tst. There's no hope for your marriage as long as your husband has any contact with his lover/ex-lover. I've not had a chance to read everything on this sting, and I may be missing the point entirely, but I get the impression that his affair is driving you nuts. If he works with her, I can fully understand why.
I recommend plan B primarily to help a betrayed spouse avoid serious physical and mental damage due to the intense amount of stress that infidelity causes. The POJA does not apply in situations where a person's health or safety is at stake, and this is a good example of one of those situations. You must take steps to protect yourself, and that means violating the POJA under these conditions.
Plan A may apply to some extent until you implement plan B. It's always a good idea to have left a positive feeling in an US just before you leave. But you may be too upset to actually achieve it. As he gives you excuses for bad behavior, and lies about his whereabouts, you will not be able to respond appropriately. But once you're separated from your husband and have no contact with him, and have a chance to clear your head, I think you'll find that you can think this entire situation through more logically and unemotionally. In fact, I usually recommend that a BS in your position move to another city or state where you can be surrounded by those who love and care for you. Then, offer your husband the opportunity to move there with you. If he starts a new life with you somewhere else, it would make your recovery much easier. To stay put would make it almost impossible, especially if his lover is close by.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
__________________________________________
There are other pearls of wisdom in this post as well, but let's just take it one step at a time.
Your emotional/mental well being is what alarms me most about your story.
I truly do PRAY that you will move to Plan B.
P.S. The IM back and forth between he and his niece is just a bunch of FOG speak, IMO. He starts out by talking about the conversations in his head so you know that he is self-talking justifications day in and day out.
YOU have to break free from him if you ever want him to break free from this!!!
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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