Hi Everyone...

I've posted several messages in the past month. My husband had an affair in 2002. I forgave him. We moved on. Things have been good. Now, after the death of his best friend in Afghanistan, it feels like he is reevaluating everything in his life. Our communication shut down. Now...I feel that he takes things that I say or do (in relation to other women) out of context and he thinks that I am blaming him or not trusting him. How do I get him to realize that I love him and trust him? Any suggestions on how to get our lines of communication back open again?

Thanks...

Andi

Andi,

Any chance that he's started up another A? Could the guilt be more current. I don't want to alarm you, but that could be a possibility. Please hang in there; I hope your H is just doing some reflection.

Andi,

I wonder if he has more to tell you about his affair, or if there is something more he has to tell you about. Possibly there was a previous affair that he never disclosed at the time, or an emotional affair. Maybe the guilt he has is about a current affair.

I am with the other poster who says that this guilt must be about something.

The fact that he feels so guilty after this period of time bothers me. Maybe he never worked through the affair properly back then, or maybe he is just now coming to terms with the depth of what he has done. It is very hard to say, without knowing what he is thinking. So you do have to ask. But, you also have to be prepared, because this just sounds like there may be more here.

Sit him down and ask him to just tell you, openly and honestly, about the problem. Ask him why his guilt is so deep about the affair, and if he has anything to tell you that he never told you before. Then, ask him straight out if there are, or have been, other affairs.

He may have reached the point in his life where he is ready to confess something to you. The reality of the loss of his friend may have brought him to a point in his life where he has a new depth of understanding of things, and he needs to make a clean slate happen in his own life. Give him the opportunity. Sometimes people just need the opening of a trusting, loving ear to sit and listen to them.

It may be nothing at all, just plain grief. He just may be grieving over his friend, and tying that grief to the grief he feels over his own tragic mistakes of the past.

Either way, you do need to ask him.

SB

Andi, I think your instincts are telling you there is something WRONG here and I would suggest you check it out.

One way you could start trusting him more is if he didn't get texts/calls from strippers. Another way to have better communication is if he talks to YOU about his feelings, and not the widow or other women.

I had a lot of sympathy for your hubby at first, but I think he is gaslighting you.

*thud*

huh? He consorts with strippers??

Well, it was only a one night visit to the strip club, but somehow the stripper ended up with hubby's phone number and texted him.

There are big red flags all over this situation. Hubby has already had one affair while in training - he told that OW all kinds of lies.

Now he is sharing feelings with the grieving widow and her friend.

And giving his number out to strippers.

This man needs some boundaries.

I'm just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that wife is wanting to help him deal with his guilt from his affair six years ago, and hubby is saying ILYBNILWY and passing his number to a stripper.

Check out the poster Mel - on a previous thread she was told her H is probably having an affair. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Hi Everyone!

First of all, I just want to say that I love coming here because everyone is so honest with their opinions. Thank you.

Now...a little more clarification because I realize that my first post was a bit vague. It's not that my husband is feeling guilty or acting guilty (like he did when he had the affair). What I mean is...I think that his reaction to some things that I may say or do are taken out of context because he feels guilty for what he did in the past. Nothing major here...but, for example, if he talks to another woman (even at our house among friends) and I just ask what they were talking about - I think he reacts sensitively because he thinks that I'm "accusing" him of something - even if I am not. I don't know if you guys have ever seen the movie "Pushing Tin" (with Billy Bob Thornton and John Cusack), but it's kind of like what happens in that movie. HE feels guilty for what he did and takes things out of context. I was talking to a mutual friend of ours here, Brad, (a guy friend who thinks a lot like my husband) and he said that my husbands reactions or sensitivity is probably founded in his guilt over what he did. I honestly don't think that my husband is cheating on me now. However, I do agree with you that his boundaries are a bit skewed. I asked him this weekend about why he found it easier to talk to other people and he said that they are "outsiders" and it's just easier. He told me that he did not want to talk to me about things that bother him because he does not want me to see him as weak. It's like I represent the happy home and I should not have to deal with his pain and suffering. I know that he would feel better if he just opened up and let it out. But, I also know that he is guarded - always has been - courtesy of his mother. (Long history there)

As for the stripper thing...I saw that text. I kept my mouth shut. Did not say a word. Then, when we were hanging out with our friend Brad, he told me (totally unprovoked - just in normal conversation) that this stripper had gotten a hold of his phone when he was out with our friend and she called her phone and got his number that way. Apparently she had called when he was with Brad - before I got home - and Joey (my husband) was completely surprised and thought it was pretty funny that this chick would try to call him up. I told him that I had seen the text the week before and he acted like he did not know what I was talking about. Annoying? Yes. Keeping my eye on him? Yes. But, I need to do this and give him the sense that I trust his judgement to do the right thing. I think that ultimately he will do the right thing.

I know that we are walking a fine line right now and that I have to keep my eyes and ears open. I have faith that he will do the right thing. I think that I just need to reassure him that it's OK to be happy. It's OK to get older and be mature (not silly like some of the younger Soldiers around here). It's OK to share scary/bad things with me. I just need to have patience and try to get our communication back on track...that's my challenge now. Any feedback you guys can give will help.

Thanks again.

Andi

PS - He is not sharing emotional/personal stuff with the widow (my friend Vicki) or any other women. Vicki and I had a long talk and it turns out that there was a bunch of miscommunication going on. Everything is good on that front. I may have been overly sensitive considering the situation. My thoughts are that he is having something like a mini mid-life crisis - if that makes any sense.

:thud: I can't believe that worked!


Andi, you are approaching this the wrong way. You should not be giving him the sense that you "trust" him if he is untrustworthy. Trust has to be EARNED, it is not an entitlement. Pretending like he is trustworthy will not MAKE it so anymore than wishing you were a fairy princess will make that so. Wishful thinking is not reality. It is not lack of TRUST that destroys marriages, but lack of BOUNDARIES.

Affording undeserved trust to an untrustworthy person only gives them the freedom to BE untrustworthy. That is not a good thing for your marriage. Especially in a marriage that has had adultery.

I am getting the sense that you KNOW he is carrying on a secret second life but you don't WANT to know, do you?

I know what you mean. But, no, I don't think he's carrying on a secret life of adultery. He does not have time for that right now. The stripper club visit was not something that normally happens. His friend was in from Afghanistan and he (the friend) wanted to go there. I am by no means saying that my husband is innocent and would never go there. But, just want you to know that it's not something that he usually does. He has always had the need to keep some things private. Not anything major - like a lifestyle or anything like that. But, I've gotten the feeling that he does this to hold on to one little piece of something that is ONLY him. I'm telling you - that comes from how he was raised. Not saying it's right - just that that is how he has always been. I sometimes feel like I'm married to this man who is loyal and hardworking and a good man...but, he's also still got a part of that hurt little boy in there. Then, it's like he feels the need to deny himself the good things in life. He will do things to make himself feel miserable and "prove" that he's not worthy of a good life. I don't know if this makes any sense to you. Just trying to give you a glimpse of his personality. He really is a good guy. Just a guy in turmoil. I don't think that he wants to go out and cheat on me. But, then again, I don't know everything. I honestly think that we just need to get back on track with our communication. Our friend, Brad, said that my husband is just going through a tough time right now (with the loss of Matt and the fact that he's not in the brigade with the rest of the paratroopers) and that he will take things out on me because I am the one who is closest to him. I know that it's not always right - but, then I tell myself - I married him for better or worse. I think that we are in a valley and just need to find the way out. Sorry if I am rambling....so much on my mind.

Andi

If a stripper had been close enough to my husband to get hold of his phone, and use it to call her own phone, that would tell me a completely different story, Andi.

It would tell me that the stripper was giving my husband her number, and that he was keeping it on his phone. So he could call her later.

Think again about what he was doing while he was out. This situation is very different than what you think.

You are either gullible, or being gaslighted, or both.

I would ask for detail after detail after detail. And you better believe he would be plenty angry when we got done - because his lies would be exposed.

Either that, or he had better be telling me every single ounce of truth he could muster, because the next phone call I am making is to that very number on his cell phone - you have it, just call the stripper and find out what really happened.


SB

Thanks schoolbus. This whole thing just hits me wrong. Hubby went out ONCE to a strip club, and by golly he was so surprised that one stripper singled him out and used his cell while he was out of the room (that was convenient!) to call her number.

I'm not a prude and have even been in a strip club. My take is that the ladies are there to make money and not to call customers. So either he left a HUGE tip, or gave her some reason to think more money would be coming. OR, the text wasn't from a girl from the strip club at all.

So...I was talking to a guy friend of mine here who kind of understands what (we think) my husband is going through. He seems to think that my husband is thinking that the grass might be greener on the other side of the fence and that he is "testing it out" to see how it feels. What? So - if that is the case...what the heck am I supposed to do? I don't see how throwing my husband out could even be a step in the right direction. I don't think our marriage is at the end. I think we can save it. But - what should I do? How much should I put up with before I look like a fool?

Andi

1. Stop talking to your guy friends about what any of them may "think" your H is "thinking" about. If I could talk to your H I would tell him the same thing - he should not be talking to other women about you, and you should not be talking to other men about him. you are opening a door that should not be opened. If you want to find out what your H is thinking, you need to ask him . And if he won;t answer you, or tries to cover something up, then you KNOW something is wrong. Quit trying to make excuses for his bad behavior. If you need to vent - call your girl friends, or come here. But stay away from other men.

2. Your H had an A all ready. He knows the grass is not greener. If he is sniffing around again to see if it is greener, you need to put a stop to that. It is NOT acceptable for a H, a married man, to sniff around to see if the grass is greener!!! Stand up for yourself!! He is treating you with a huge amount of disrespect and you are trying to make excuses for him. Stop it.

3. He reacts sensitivley because he has something to hide. Period.
You say he reacts sensitively, I call it suspicious. He has something to hide.

I know this is not what you want to hear. you ahve all ready been hurt by 1 affair. You know the pain. You want to hear that everything is fine, that you are over-reacting. That there is a good excuse for everything. But I am afraid there are too many warning signs here.

Don't ignore the signs. Don't let him treat you like a door mat.

Gee....

Have you done any snooping regarding that phone number on his cellphone yet?

Because that is where you need to start.

He has lied to you about that number and phone call, Andi.



Start snooping. If you expect your marriage to be saved, it has to start with exposure of the truth of his behavior behind your back - when he is out with his friends.

There is more here than meets the eye. You are in denial about what is going on.

1. He has been up close and personal with a stripper.

2. She used his cell phone.

3. He LET HER USE HIS CELL PHONE.



I'm just saying.......



You have work to do.
And it doesn't include talking to your girlfriends, or his buddies. Because they have no idea how to handle this.

Spying 101 - check out that thread, and get to work.

Also, start a good Plan A.

Sb

Andi,

Oh goodness!! Some of the things you've said about your H, I've also said about mine over the course of time in our M. My FWH worked 2 jobs for 10 years prior to me finding out his A. I said the samethings about my H... being a good man and hard working, and he truly was. When my old girlfriend's and I would bring up the topic of our H's cheating on us, we would always come up of reason why they wouldn't. Especially my friend's would say that my H would never do such a thing, he's so nice and he talks about you all the time, and the way he looks at you... for one they would be envious that my H would work a second job with no complaints and their H's would complain about their one job. Between the 2 jobs my H had, which was 1 - 2 hours between them both, he still found the time. During his A, he even called me before supposedly leaving from work, saying he was on his way home, or he had to go to the range to shoot(yeah, he went to the range alright) I really couldn't see the signs of my H cheating on me during his A. It's even taken me until about a couple/few months ago to see that there were any, and it's going on a year since D-day in about 10 days. You mentioned a stripper chick getting his number(right). Then you say his friend explained it to you? Of course his friend is gonna tell you what you want to hear. That's your H's friend, not yours. He's gonna cover your H's tail for him. I would seriously do some snooping. I use to think to myself when I had some doubts at times about H's fidelity... that there was just no way he would. We would even talk about it face to face, and claimed he can never do such a sick thing to me and the kids, and he said this during his A. I hope I'm wrong... hang in there.

Sorry.. wanted to add more here. You also mentioned that your H had an A in 2002, and you forgave him. I take it you guys had no MC? Also the friend who is now a widow is probably very vulnerable. I see plenty of opportunities of an A starting with your H. Especially him hanging out with friends that talk to strippers and his friend mentioning that your H may want to know if the grass is greener on the other side?? You also mentioned you think he maybe in a little midlife crisis? There are just too many windows and doors open for inviting an A in your M. Get to work and start doing some investigating!!

I just wanted to add - none of this means your M is over.
But ignoring the warning signs will not make the p[robelm go away.
If he continues to treat you with such dis-respect, and you do not stand up to it, then he will assume that it is ok with you, and he may even "kick it up a notch". That would not be good for you, or your M.

Setting boundaries, and declaring that you will not allow your husband to treat you like you are nothing more than a high school romance just means that you are standing up for your M. Your M is valuable. it is worth fighting for. YOU are worth fighting for. And standing up and saying:" No more! I will not allow you to treat me like this" jsut emans taht you are standing up for your M.