I am a married mother of two. My oldest daughter is 3 years old and she's not my birth daughter. I have been involved in her life since she was 4-5months old.

We have constant problems in our lives concerning her birth mom. Until today, I never realized that I might be overstepping my "boundaries". We (her mom and I) never have been able to work out our problems quietly. We are now headed to court because my husband has been subpoenaed to court to have a document saying that I am not allowed to do our child's hair. I know that I am VERY invisible to the law, but speaking on a moral plain here, am I overstepping boundaries if I desire to do things like her hair? I was on another discussion forum full of legal assistants and people like that and they totally rode me saying to just butt out of "their" lives and let "them" live. My problem lies with me not knowing how far to go. Should I just sit back and shut up? My only problem is what if she desires for me not to do something like spending time with her, should I honor those things as well? It really hurts to go through this because in my eyes, I never separate my oldest daughter from my youngest who happens to be 19 months old. The mother of our oldest daughter was never married to my husband and we kept our relationship quiet just so that we could keep peace around our daughter. On the day...LITERALLY...the mother of his daughter found out that we were married, all hell broke loose. It has never been the same. Any stepmothers, or mothers in the place of our daughter's mother, how do you handle this type of situation? Help please.

The conflict lies in the fact that now, my husband must go to court for her hairstyles and a few hairbows. Maybe it is just me, but I just don't get it...

And please don't freak out at the fact that I have put "our", "we" and words like that in here. In my mind she's mine. There's NOTHING that I haven't done for her...Ever!

WLB,

I've read where you said you have been "together" for 2.5 years, and that you came into your step-daughter's life between 4 or 5 months old. I can't get the timeline straight in my mind...would you clarify when you met your H and then married?


I don't understand, either, the "kept our relationship quiet" part. I wonder about you switching roles with the other woman, who was having children with your H before you?

I'm not shaming or condemning you here...what I'm trying to figure out is whether you overstepped healthy boundaries and this is a continuation, or something separate entirely.

LA

Is the other woman an every day part of your lives? Does the daughter live with her? More info, please.

As a mother of 4 and my H is the father of my younger 2 and step-dad to my older 2, I feel I can offer some perspective.

My H now plays an important role in the lives of my older 2 children because they live with us. I believe that the main parenting should be up to me, since these are my children, but we have agreed upon expectations of behaviors in the house. We get together when it comes to larger discipline issues, but for the most part my H leaves it to me, in fear he would be overstepping their father.

We all get along. In fact, my ex H and my H are going hiking together today. I think this is very, VERY important to maintain a cohesive parenting style. Not many people can do it, but it CAN be done. My ex and I have overcome many, many obstacles to do what is right for our children. Having my H now and him become friends was just icing on the cake.

When you mean "doing" your stepdaughter's hair, do you mean putting in braids or ponytails, or do you mean a hair cut? Hairstyle is one thing, altering her hair is another. I would not want my ex gf or wife (he has neither at the moment) taking her to get her hair cut, I feel that is my place. If she was to call and ask, that would be one thing, but to just DO would not be ok.

It sounds like his ex is having a power struggle with you. Its HER child, so she wants to make ALL of the decisions. It also depends on how your H and her left their relationship. If it was a bad break-up, she could be harboring ill will and wants to make things difficult. If you are indeed, taking on more of a parent role than a step parent role, you could possibly be stepping on toes.

I think it is important for the two of you to sit down and talk about boundaries. What she finds acceptable and what you find fair. You cannot become this girl's mother, she already has one. Your role is that of a support person, not a primary. It is what it is.

Good luck!

The timeline goes like this. My husband and this woman were never an item, never boyfriend and girlfriend or anything. My husband and I were "together", you know "kicking it". My husband and this woman got together after my husband and I were no more, shortly after. My husband and I went months without even speaking to each other. I desired to get back in contact with him some time later, and after talking, he informed me that he'd father this baby. I decided that I did not care about taking on the responsibility of being stepmom. The baby was about 2 months old at that time when we got back in contact. My husband and I lived about 3 hours away from each other. Around the time the baby was about 4-5 months old was the timeline where we said our "I do's". We did not have a ceremony or anything. We were married by our pastor.

Since they were never married, the baby's mother had total custody. The exact day that the mother of the baby found out that my husband had married, she wanted their daughter to not have anything to do with her dad, and especially me because of our marriage. My husband went (at times) for 3 months without seeing his daughter. So sick and tired of this, my husband went through the courts and after about 3 months of battle, he was granted joint physical and legal custody of his daughter when she was about 2 years old. There are very intricate details that had to be drawn out in their agreement. For example, I braid our daughters' hair and I used to put beads in her hair and her mom did not like them so I did them no more and this is a clause in their agreement.

This is not the least of the petty things. One problem is that through all these times of the mother trying to fight me while I was pregnant with my child, calling police for bogus calls, not being home when it is time for my husband's time comes for us to have our daughter, and so much more, I try and be the voice of reason. No disrespect to any biological mothers who have to deal with situations like these involving stepmoms,but, I consider her my daughter. I have had the long nights, and everything that I have had to deal with with my baby girl. I am in no way trying to take the place of her mother. i realize that mother-child relationships are bonds that not many other forces on this earth can match. I just need to know which direction to take this relationship. The only times we have EVER sat down and tried to talk adult-to-adult, are the arrangements that I have made. I am not trying to appear to be the "saint" in this situation either. The worse I have done in this situation is done our daughter's hair when she doesn't want me to. This is well within my rights, legally. The mother does not want me to do her hair at all...I mean not even comb it.

My husband was made responsible for ALL transportation for the hours that we must switch guardianship of our daughter. The mother stays an hour away from us. I said that to say the mother wants my husband to drive our daughter to her when her hair needs to be combed. Yeah crazy right? And please don't assume that I do a terrible job on her hair. I have been dressing hair for about 12 years. I am excellent at what I do. I think it's just the fact of me doing it. One more example, then I'm done. She wanted me to not braid her hair anymore because she does not like the look of braids on her. I did not braid it...one week later she sends her with us with her hair braided by her.
I have worked through some very terrible times with this woman. I actually have felt sorry for her and I have tried to heal this relationship between herself and me, countless times. I have this situation all drawn out to see what type of crazy things we have been through. My husband's court date this Monday is a motion for altering the custody agreement to not allow myself or my husband to touch her hair!!!!!!

These things are very, very petty I know. Should I just step all the way back and do absolutely nothing and take the child to her as she desires? This situation has been a very awful situation since we have been married. I am so so very fed up, disappointed, confused. I think I am past my point of trying to build a realtionship with this woman. It seems very far beyond repair, but I am also a Believer and I know that with prayer, all things are possible. What to do?