Hello everyone,

I need to reach out and get some strength. Early in our marriage, my husband and I divorced, twice. There were so many reasons for our problems, drinking, abuse, anger and on..on. My DH has a drinking problem and has been sober for 10 yrs. He started drinking again last year and it has gotten worse everyday. He doesn't see his problem, nor does he see the pain it is causing.

He is a very proud man and never wants anyone to think our marriage isn't perfect. Truth be told it is, when he is happy.

Right now I'm sitting in my chair, ready to leave him. I won't because I have three children who need their father - regardless of his faults or mine. I have faith that he can get through this, but I'm just not sure how far down we are going to go before he ruins everything we have rebuilt.

I'm a child of very abusive parents, no surprise hun? They died when I was 10 of their vices.
He is the son of one of the worst alcoholics I've ever met.

For ten years we were so happy. Why does this always happen? I'm a textbook case. I have to get some support or I'm going to loose my mind. He won't get help or even talk about his drinking anymore.

This morning he woke up in a fit of rage, throwing things and punching the fridge. He was upset because the house wasn't clean and that the $ wasn't what he thought it was. I've begged him to take it over, just so he can see were it goes...he refuses. He doesn't want to take responsibility for something that is so clearly important to him?

He has never really treated me with respect - at least behind closed doors. I can't (or shouldn't) talk back. I do everything I can to calm the arguments, although I'm sure there are negative messages in my body language/expressions.
It has gotten worse since I came home to stay with the kids. I used to engineer and he has some sense of respect for me, now I believe it is all gone. He has no mercy.

Can someone please talk to me? I have no one else.

You need to go to Alanon, and you need to get to a psychologist or some other form of therapy. You have only been happy because you have given up your life to ensure his was ok. That is no life. What are you teaching your kids? They will turn out just like him or just like you, neither of which is ok.

Do the right thing, and learn to enact safe and healthy boundaries, for your sake and for your kids' sakes. Get a job and take the kids to day care. My D17 has been to day care since she was one, and it was an amazing opportunity for her to learn to love learning, to get along with other kids, to handle adversity, all kinds of great benefits.

From the little I know, you are at a disadvantage, having given up your life to make his more pleasant. Stop doing that, and give him an ultimatum. Get sober again, or leave.

I'm afraid. I know what your are saying is exactly true. This is my greatest fear - that my children will pick up this cycle.
I know I have the strength and resources to leave, a place to go and $ to get started. If I do, there will be no reconciliation. He is too proud and will not bend. I want to ensure I will be making the right decision.

Something important: For the past 8 years, I've been the primary caregiver for his mother. She lived with us and was very ill with MS. I provided all direction, health care decisions, and many daily care needs. She died a year ago April in our home, under my care. She was 55 years old. Obviously this has been traumatic for all of us. It sent me into a sever depression - which I am getting help for and have stabilized.

He expresses his love by providing "things", expensive things. If there is something I want - He'll get it. That is not the way I receive love.

I will look up and find an AA group, for me and the kids. I have lived very simple in my life and will be giving up a great deal to leave. Then there is the decision about who cares for the children, he will want to keep them, but that is impractical. Yet, do they need to be raised by a single mother or a step father?? I'm afraid if I left my youngest son would suffer a great deal. He is so emotionally attached to daddy. It is really the only child my husband has bonded with. He loves them, but he does have a favorite.

I'm NOT perfect - but I do believe I deserve respect and kindness on a consistent basis. He doesn't see the problem for what it is - to him it is all my failures to perform and run his household. How do you clean a 5K sq ft. home? and keep it perfect.

It sounds to me like he married you so he would have a servant. Your children will adapt without him. Trust me. In fact, they will probably blossom without the negativity around.

Of course, there are ways to save your marriage, if you're inclined. Read the material here. The first thing to do is fix you. Stop Love Busting him, start meeting all his Emotional Needs. It's always possible he is the way he is because he's not getting what he needs from you. So you have to investigate that first, and make sure you're the best possible partner you can be. Of course that means you have to have healthy boundaries he has to recognize and observe. Do not stay with him if he refuses to observe them.

thank you, after we posted here he came home from work. The first time he has left in years to return to talk over the mornings problems.

I actually told him everything. I was going to leave if it didn't stop. What was happening to the kids, my emotional state, and that we needed help. To my surprise he took me seriously and called our marriage counselor from 10 years ago. We had become dear friends with the counselor and he provided mentoring through all our marriage problems. He became my husbands role model and best friend. He told him everything - right there and agreed to go back to counseling. I honestly was shocked. Hopefully shocked.

He never admits there is a problem and did so today. Something must have convinced him. 10 years ago I packed up and left without negotiation. He has always brought that up when we have a serious fight, "are you leaving". It must be a security issue - knowing I'm not afraid to. He just has pushed the envelope to far - I snapped today and laid it on the line - thanks to your encouragement. I knew what you said was right and it gave me strength to do the right thing for me.

He did not agree to quit drinking completely, to my disappointment. I expect this to be a reoccurring battle eventually, but with his returning to counseling and church he may just find the strength.

I will no longer be a door mat for anyones feelings, It was a bad habit I had fallen into. I admit I am codependent and need to go back to my psychologist.

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.
Daisy

Daisey,

Please go to Alanon meetings, anyway. We don't learn to "cope" with our partner's addictions there...we learn to not wait until we "snap"...we learn our own power and limits...how our half of the marriage is as important as their half.

Provides a center again for you...and yes, we get offline, off into where we have no control...and our experiences become increasingly pain-filled, angry and fearful.

Consider your words of "never"...like ever, forever, always, nothing...these are rarely true words in our adult experience...they come from a time when we didn't understand time as children. Using them in our heads and speech is provocative, untrue, tends to attack, and distract from what you're really conveying.

I heard you feel sorrow and anger for him not taking responsibility for what is his, is that correct?

You felt relief that this time, he came home and did just that...though not completely including all your expectations (continued drinking).

Am I close?

Can you remember what you did before to recover your marriage, marital balance and respect twice before? Sounds like counseling was involved...what other healthy acts did you take, healthy boundaries you made, which you might have stopped enforcing around yourself?

You changed the dance at least twice before...changing your choices, not your H. You have never been the cause, control or cure for his choices...so what did you do differently before?

Appreciate very much you being here, posting and sharing.

LA

He got saved. He came to the Lord broken and we were transformed. I say we because was able to get help with my end of enabling. I had also fallen into a serious disrespect situation. Not surprising considering the circumstances.

You are wise. I'm not sure if I mentioned this but 10 years ago I had him arrested. He had begun to throw things, grab my arms, push and get violent in the house. One morning he kicked the chair I was sitting in and it broke through to my lower back. I had just given birth 6 weeks earlier. It bruised me and woke me up. I immediately left the home with the children and didn't go back. I had him thrown in jail and let him sit there for 3 days until the hearing, I guess.... Then I filed for divorce.
During the process of the divorce he hit the bottom and went to speak to my lawyer..even though he had wonderful counsel. He agreed to all my wishes and my lawyers demands, including Christian alcohol treatment center, anger management and many other things. He was truly broken and my lawyer lead him to Christ - they became eventually became best friends...my husband had transformed THAT much.

His greatest fear is that I'm going to leave. After thinking about this he is very insecure about his behavior and how I could possibly respond. He does NOT want to loose his family - I'm positive of this. and is a good sign.

I will be going to AlON. I need to find one, but I think I'll take my son too. I told him that.

During our conversation = he agreed to go back to church and join a mens group. I can't tell you what a step this is, he plays golf with a very tight group of men EVERY Sunday. It is a very important weekly commitment in his eyes. Of Course none of the guys are good influences. He needs other family loving, Christian men to come alongside him. One element is that we own a very large company and the pressure for the employees is immense, no excuse= just a element involved. He needs other men to talk to.

Any other advice ... where do I go from here?
One thing is true IT is very late and I'm tired. I'll check back in the a.m. (((HUGS))))

Daisey, Daisey (yes, I'm humming that tune)...

I am so sorry I lost sight of your response.



Okay, has he already gone back to church and attended a men's group meeting? (Do you mean the kind you can have accountability partners in?) I ask since you've posted...has he done it. One thing to agree to go (for we agree to many things we don't really agree to, and then, we don't do them), and going.

I hear a lot of DJs going on in your post, Daisey. These were my worst offenses to myself, my DH and my marriage. Have you read Love Busters?

Have you found and attended two Alanon meetings? Remember the six meetings in six days thing to find a group you really mesh with? I personally think it's great to not mesh...because breaking through my own stinkin' thinkin' was really tough.

You do great self-care...you focus your heart's desire on partnering not parenting...you see where you slipped into old ways as he slipped into his old ways...'cuz we do this.

And then we wake up and stop ourselves from doing it. Not what we really wanted--just what we handed ourselves again.

We realign again to act from our choice to love...not to get it...not to get our ENs met...not giving to get so we fall into tit for tat.

Hope this helps...again, my bad for not responding sooner. You are important and I am in a messy frame of mind sometimes.

LA

I forgot to reply to this:


What you perceive in me you have in you. That's how it works. You already know what I'm sharing with you...what resonates is what is already within you.

Feels connective, as if I'm doing something...I'm sharing.

You're sharing.

And hugs right back to you, Daisey. You are not alone.

You never have been.

LA