I have no idea what to do. 37 year marriage. I do not know what you guys are saying with a lot of your initials, so I am gonna have to long hand it..If someone wants to clue me in I will us them and can finally understand what I am reading.

Caught H in 1st affair w/OW Viv in 1983. At that time he was 35, I was 31, she was 34. He stayed with me and our four children, but loved her. I spent a miserable 3 years, kicked him out 1986. Came back we tried, caught him "talking to her" 1989, promised me he would stop. Her third H called me in 98 and told me she was calling him at work everyday on her cell. They were just "talking" he said. Kicked him out, he begged, made promises, cried, had to go on medication, totally changed and at Christmas 98 gave me a diamond ring in front of a room full of friends and family telling me how much he loved me and would never hurt me again. He was on bended knee.

Found out in March this year he has had an affair with Viv off and on in 89, 90, 91 92 and of course 98. He slept with another coworker once in 83, Viv worked with him also, he went to a hotel room with one of my coworkers and "friends" around 89, and he had been having an affair with another of my friends since 1995 and said he ended it in February but they were still talking on the cell phone she gave him so that they could talk. They also were still mountain bike riding together. They would meet, have sex, then ride their bikes. He said he told her no more sex. The affair had not ended. It would have picked back up. I rode with them until I became injured and they found places to meet and do it, so whatever. This woman came to the hospital in 2004 when I had to have a bilateral mastectomy. She would hug me at the breast cancer walks and they would act like 'hey, haven't seen you in forever'. We used to play cards together go out to clubs and bars together, her husband included.

SO, you can only imagine the shock and awe going on. I do believe my h is sick, he is seeing a doctor two times a week, I am once a week and we see a marriage counselor first time today.

I am working hard to try. I have MS which has manifested as cognitive issues primarily, and my phyical are tremors, drunken gait, knocking everything over, and I have survived breast cancer four years. My MS seems to cause obsessive thoughts, or maybe a bipolar2 kind of thing. I am being treated for it.

I love my husband, we have four grown married daughters, eleven grandchildren and another on the way. The woman that he had this 13 year affair with, he did not love. The woman from 1983, VIV, and then start back again in 89, he knew he did not love her fairly quickly. So none of these events happened out of love.

My difficulty is getting the visions out of my head. When he went to Viv in 89-93 or so, she had a house or an apt and it was either an after work run in get it done and run out on a lunch thing. When she married the 3rd time, it was in the bed of his old worn out pickup truck with a camper cover. I mean old, nasty run down truck. With the last 13 year affair, Patti, it was a borrowed bed at first then always in cars. He used that truck while Patti had compact cars, then she started buying SUVs and so did he, so they would lay the seats back. For 13 years. I feel like I am going to pass out, die, vomit...

Please please tell me how you got past the movies in your mind. I know that part of it is the shock of so much I never knew. Someone seemed to be following me so I took all the life insurance and changed the beneficiaries to my girls. That upset him but hey, it's happened. I have no idea what Patti would do.
Suffice it to say that the police dept. took it serious and filed a report. My husband said he would take a lie detector test, just bring it on. He was so upset and then I said great, we can soothe my mind about the fact that you have told me all the truth, and he said, no. I will no do that. So, I know that there is more.

What do I do? He has had an HIV test,and all other STDs. He gave me herpes, I have never been active but I carry it and I have been with no one but him. Seems Viv gave us that little love reminder.

I get so angry. I have jumped him physically twice. I know it is wrong, I know it is but my rage will overwhelm me and I will see him taking my last 13 years and how he lied to me, the ring in 98 and I go nuts. I feel like I am losing my mind. How could he do this to us. For the entire 13 years, he has not been my husband, he never told me I was pretty, looked nice and we had not made love for 5 years because he said he was impotent. Right. I also found viagra. That is how this all got started until I got the truth.

I want it all. I am afraid that he has had a relationship with a man, or with someone that is unforgivable. What do I do?
Most days I just want to die..

Jane

Hi jane,
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation but I am glad you found MB. To begin, read first post at the top of this forum. It will get you up to speed on the abreviations and acronyms.

The comforting thing is that all of us here have been through this devastation in one form or another. I have thrown up, passed out, lost 30 lbs, lived on 2 hours of sleep a We are stronger, better people than we were before this.

Your situation is longer and much more complicated than mine but the pain is no less. Read everything on this site. Order the books and above all, pray! With God's help and the help of the good and caring people on this site, you will get through this.

God's Blessings,

Say

WOW. Your husband is a lying, conniving, selfish [censored]. He is the POSTER CHILD for what Dr. Harley says, that we should reinstate CRIMINAL PENALTIES for adultery. He belongs in THE SLAM for what he has done to you.

He is beyond redemption.... don't waste any more of your time on him. Get yourself a barracuda lawyer and TAKE HIM TO THE CLEANERS. Make SURE your kids get ALL THE MONEY.


I would contact the district attorney to see if there is any statutory law which applies here for CRIMINAL PROSECUTION of your husband, and compel Viv to testify against him by subpoena. Make a deal with her to avoid her own prosecution.

Your title answers your own question, "shock and awe" - just don't use the violence, it will only get you in trouble. Although, I agree that he richly deserves it.

((Insane Jane)))

I am so sorry you are here and that you are going through this. You can definitely find some good advice and support here.

Do you know about PTSD? It definitely sounds like you are suffering from it, and it is no surprise given what you have been through over the years. Please take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself from further trauma...

I would highly advise you to copy your whole story over to GQII ASAP. When I first got here, I posted both here and over there and I got many, many more responses as there is much more traffic over there.

Hang in there.

This is a MARRIAGE BUILDERS site tfkeel. Our WSs have all done the unforgivable but we married imperfect people. I assume Jane is here to save her marriage. Read awhile before you post.

Jane, I agree that this should be moved to the GQ forum. It has much more traffic and you will get more response. Please keep posting. We care about what happens to you and your marriage.

God's Blessings,

Say

While Yes this is a MB site. Not all M "marriages" are ment to be saved. I believe it's up to Jane to decide if her WH "wayward hubby" has the ability to keep it in his pants.

I suspect the majority will see his history as a benchmark for future actions. That he is a serial cheater without the integrity to control himself.

Jane, here is the link to the brevity.

Acronyms and brevity

Jane, Please highlight and copy your first post on this thread and start another thread "same title" under Infideltity/General Questions II. It will get alot more attention. If you need assistance with that, I can help. But it's better you start the thread, so you have control over it.

-JKT

Thanks to you all. I really understand the sentiment about getting a barracuda lawyer and taking him down. Problem is that I have it all already. My illnesses took all of any monies, IRAs, etc for us to make it as I owned my own business when diagnosed with cancer. You know how it is, you are cruising along, gonna live forever somehow and pow,out of the blue, your body looks like a science project. I closed the business and any and all money was used to keep us alive, pay bills, as were all credit lines. My H had the misfortune of working for USEless air and truly they robbed the employees. He made more money in 1986 than he did when he retired in 2001. And lost almost all of his pension. So, truly, there is nothing. Had to redo our home mortgage to the top to pay off crap so we could live. I was lucky to have been working for a corporation when they found I had MS, at least I get a really good disability check until I am 66, and I am still accruing a pension just as if I was working and then that will start paying.

I am torn between love and hate. I made him leave two times, in 86 and in 98. I am so angry that he begged to stay. I am reading "Surviving Infidelity" by the Harleys and that book has probably helped me understand him and believe that he has been sick more than anything else. But, these rages, movies of what he did, God, if I could only lose them.

I will go to the GQ (whatever that is) and cut and paste this mess. Thank you guys.

You know if I was 35, good health good income, right after I beat Vivs a$$, I would take everything he had and she had or could ever hope to have. Forever. I live in NC and we are very strong on two laws: Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation. The last one is screwing my husband..

by first post, do you mean for this thread or the other one that I started? I want to use whichever one you think would give the best information as I am dry as a stone.

Jane,

I asked a moderator to move the whole thread to General Questions forum. I think that is possible. I am not very computer savy. My apologies.

If your H is truly repentant and willing to get help, is it your desire to save this marriage? The anger is natural and may be followed by a period of intense grief. My grief came first and the anger caught me by surprise about six months later.

God's Blessings,

Say