I have no idea what to do. 37 year marriage. I do not know what you guys are saying with a lot of your initials, so I am gonna have to long hand it..If someone wants to clue me in I will us them and can finally understand what I am reading.

Caught H in 1st affair w/OW Viv in 1983. At that time he was 35, I was 31, she was 34. He stayed with me and our four children, but loved her. I spent a miserable 3 years, kicked him out 1986. Came back we tried, caught him "talking to her" 1989, promised me he would stop. Her third H called me in 98 and told me she was calling him at work everyday on her cell. They were just "talking" he said. Kicked him out, he begged, made promises, cried, had to go on medication, totally changed and at Christmas 98 gave me a diamond ring in front of a room full of friends and family telling me how much he loved me and would never hurt me again. He was on bended knee.

Found out in March this year he has had an affair with Viv off and on in 89, 90, 91 92 and of course 98. He slept with another coworker once in 83, Viv worked with him also, he went to a hotel room with one of my coworkers and "friends" around 89, and he had been having an affair with another of my friends since 1995 and said he ended it in February but they were still talking on the cell phone she gave him so that they could talk. They also were still mountain bike riding together. They would meet, have sex, then ride their bikes. He said he told her no more sex. The affair had not ended. It would have picked back up. I rode with them until I became injured and they found places to meet and do it, so whatever. This woman came to the hospital in 2004 when I had to have a bilateral mastectomy. She would hug me at the breast cancer walks and they would act like 'hey, haven't seen you in forever'. We used to play cards together go out to clubs and bars together, her husband included.

SO, you can only imagine the shock and awe going on. I do believe my h is sick, he is seeing a doctor two times a week, I am once a week and we see a marriage counselor first time today.

I am working hard to try. I have MS which has manifested as cognitive issues primarily, and my phyical are tremors, drunken gait, knocking everything over, and I have survived breast cancer four years. My MS seems to cause obsessive thoughts, or maybe a bipolar2 kind of thing. I am being treated for it.

I love my husband, we have four grown married daughters, eleven grandchildren and another on the way. The woman that he had this 13 year affair with, he did not love. The woman from 1983, VIV, and then start back again in 89, he knew he did not love her fairly quickly. So none of these events happened out of love.

My difficulty is getting the visions out of my head. When he went to Viv in 89-93 or so, she had a house or an apt and it was either an after work run in get it done and run out on a lunch thing. When she married the 3rd time, it was in the bed of his old worn out pickup truck with a camper cover. I mean old, nasty run down truck. With the last 13 year affair, Patti, it was a borrowed bed at first then always in cars. He used that truck while Patti had compact cars, then she started buying SUVs and so did he, so they would lay the seats back. For 13 years. I feel like I am going to pass out, die, vomit...

Please please tell me how you got past the movies in your mind. I know that part of it is the shock of so much I never knew. Someone seemed to be following me so I took all the life insurance and changed the beneficiaries to my girls. That upset him but hey, it's happened. I have no idea what Patti would do.
Suffice it to say that the police dept. took it serious and filed a report. My husband said he would take a lie detector test, just bring it on. He was so upset and then I said great, we can soothe my mind about the fact that you have told me all the truth, and he said, no. I will no do that. So, I know that there is more.

What do I do? He has had an HIV test,and all other STDs. He gave me herpes, I have never been active but I carry it and I have been with no one but him. Seems Viv gave us that little love reminder.

I get so angry. I have jumped him physically twice. I know it is wrong, I know it is but my rage will overwhelm me and I will see him taking my last 13 years and how he lied to me, the ring in 98 and I go nuts. I feel like I am losing my mind. How could he do this to us. For the entire 13 years, he has not been my husband, he never told me I was pretty, looked nice and we had not made love for 5 years because he said he was impotent. Right. I also found viagra. That is how this all got started until I got the truth.

I want it all. I am afraid that he has had a relationship with a man, or with someone that is unforgivable. What do I do?
Most days I just want to die..

Jane

IMHO, IF you want a peaceful and rewarding life, you should divorce this "man" and never, ever look back.

Wow, you've been to h3ll and back. If it were me, after being married that long (I've been married 30+ yrs myself) and with his history, I would walk and enjoy the rest of my life the way I wanted to. This site is about marriage building but even Dr. Harley says not all marriages can be saved. He has given you a free pass to divorce.

Your husband is a serial cheater. Have you exposed his affairs? Do your daughters know? Do you want to stay with him? Really? You should not stay just because it's what you know.

(((IJ))) (this means hugs)

I see you made it over from "Just found out".

Sorry you find yourself here, but you've found the right place.

-JKT

In most instances I would agree with you...but in this case...I think the best place for her would be in divorce court and an in person support group. There are people here that will try and sentence this poor woman to continued years of heartache...by making her think this man can/will change.

The best thing she can do is get over the fear of losing such a loser and live life to the fullest without the dead weight of her husband tied to her ankles.

Noted...

She's still welcome...Right?

Welcome yes...advisable to stay here for more than divorce support...not really. But that's her call.

Is that okay with you...huh?

I am all for trying to make a marriage work but sadly I have to agree with you on this one. IF and that is a huge unlikely IF he can change and become a loving faithful husband it will take many years of work and pain. She has to decide if it is worth all that for a (IMO) 3% chance he will change.
This is her chance to find out who she is and life her life for herself and not her cheating husband.

Absolutely! MB is also a WONDERFUL place for personal recovery for those who have suffered through infidelity.

The divorce support that I have seen here is great!

Jane, MB works best for those who, previous to the infidelity, had some kind of decent relationship. You've got to have something to build on in order to restore a marriage.

All that I see you have is a bunch of lies, long-term SERIAL unfaithfulness, and an STD to boot.

God can save your husband; He has enough power to do that. But you have no track record with your WH that would make him a sensible risk.

If I were in your position, the only way I would EVER consider taking a man like that back, would be if he on his own, and in spite of the divorce (for yes, I would divorce him), sought out God and lots of help for his issues, and then had many years of a proven track record of healthy behavior and accountability. Then and only then would I even think about it for a moment.

Welcome to MB, and I'm sorry your WH has put you through this.

Abbreviations

Hi Jane,

Glad you made it over.

Jane's medical and financial situations are very complicated. She is exploring her options. You all may want to read her thread on JFO as she says she is too drained to repost.

God's Blessings,

Say

ITA, Neak.

It's time to save YOU, dear. Please get out and get healthy.

I do agree due to the history IJ's WH has spells serial cheater, with little to zero integrity for Jane.

But everyones breaking point differs, coupled with long history, and other complications, her desire to not throw in the towel "if that's the case" should also be supported.

A debate supporting continued attempts to salvage this M would be the underdog view, but not to be ruled out until Jane accepts otherwise.

Jane, I believe you will find support regardless of you choices or decisions. Decisions which only you can make and live with.

Realize, many here have seen others in the past try to salvage a relationships with serial cheaters, only to be burnt again later.

I agree with the those who believe you should remove yourself from your M. You have more than enough justification.

-JKT

JKT, normally I would agree with this as well...but again, I don't in this case. This relationship has already risen to physical violence and is obviously taking a HUGE toll on this woman. Any relationship that reaches that level should not be supported. The best support for this woman now is encouraging her to get out of there...get mentally healthy...get physically healthy...and to get on with her life.
This person stays because she is beaten down and does not realize she has choices. Offering support for her continuing in this "marriage" is akin to loading a gun for someone that is suicidal.

Read this quote again and again...this woman needs to get away from her tormentor. Period.
1-800-suicide if you need help.

Call you children...go there...stay there. Go be the mother and grand-mom your family needs. You cannot save your husband. There is a bright light on the other side of this darkness.....it's called life. Reach for it...you will not be disappointed for doing so!

Hi Jane,

You're in my prayers...

Jane,


Oh, Jane, you are not alone here. I remember that feeling myself after I discovered my husband's affair.

If you are serious, please call the suicide hotline. Right now.

I even said directly to him "I don't know who I am without you."

I married young (18), had a baby at 19 and another one at 20, bought a house at 21 and worked hard to live the American Dream.

I was so wrapped up, or "enmeshed", in him that I could not separate myself from him. I saw the life ahead of me coming to a screeching halt when he decided he wanted out. My hopes and dreams for the future were ripped from me. The devastation is IMMENSE. This is a crisis for you.

You are hurting and cannot see tomorrow, yet it is there. Some say to take one day at a time, not looking forward more than you can handle. The time to deal with what is ahead will come, it does not need to be right now. If each day is too much to handle at a time, break it down. To one hour, or 10 minutes, or each moment as it comes, whatever you CAN handle.

Do you have a support network? Anyone you can call to come to you and talk?

I used to call my mom, tears gushing down my face, barely able to speak and ask her to just talk about "normal" stuff. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head and needed someone to pull me away from the wreckage of my life, even if for just a few seconds.

It does get better, Jane. It really does. You don't have to make ANY decisions right now.

Get yourself in order, many long timers around here can help. Whether you want to stay in the marriage or not doesn't matter yet.

Consider yourself in triage. You are wounded, the first order of business is to stop the bleeding. Around here, that means getting your head on straight and being able to think clearly.

Let's start there.

How are you, right now, in this moment?

Fox

I can't agree with this more! I am actually convinced that Plan B IS about personal recovery. I am proof of it - I've been adhering to it as best as possible, with the exception of writing a Plan B letter. Every single day life gets better. I also started from the bottom of the pit of dispair. And the best thing about it - you don't need to make those aweful decisions first (should I stay or should I go) - do it, then decide when your mind is clearer. First, heal yourself.

Thank you all so much for your input. It is interesting to see what you had to say and as I read them, I wondered about your ages and situations.

I did kick him out in 86 and in 98. I don't think I have met a liar as good as him. That is the saddest thing to say about anyont. He hates himself. I have outted him to everyone, his family, my family, yahoo groups mtn. bike groups. And her as well.

I feel sort of like I am in the belly of the whale. I do love him. He could not cross the barrier to me as long as he did this and he was stuck in an insane life. He led a double life, but with guilt and anxiety. He is profiled in most of the books, including the Harley's. He is remorseful, but he ws in 98 as well. I do not think that I will ever believe or trust him.

Can you be married and not have that? I don't know. When I was 35 I would have burned all his clothes on the driveway and would have gone to Pattis job and told everyone there what she had done before security escorted me out. But I am 56, I never know how the MS will progress. If you talk to me, you would know because I use wrong words or cannot find the words. But, it is remiting/relapsing so it comes and goes. This ish is going to make me sicker.

How do I feel? I am all to pieces today and yesterday. Cannot stop the memories I never lived. My mind sees it all in technicolor. Whether he is here or gone. I have no doubt if he did this again, I would not survive it. He knows that as well. Our daughters have had a hard time dealing with him and if he did this again they would never speak to him again. He would lose everything. Does that mean he would not cheat? HeII no.

I am terrified of him and I want the lie detector test. I want to know what he is hiding. That wears me out.

Based on this statement alone...you need to get out of there and get some professional help as soon as possible.

Please imagine your own daughter saying those words to you about a scoundrel as bad as your husband...what would you advise them. Honestly...staying at this point is self inflicted abuse.

Get away from him and seek help.