I can definately see what you mean and I don't want to "lead" him into his own answers at all - I'm very aware of that. And although he hasn't totally been touching on the "why", he does keep bringing up things completely without provocation. So much so that maybe we were just talking about how to fix chicken for dinner to suddenly telling me all the details of her first affair (actually an A with another couple) and how uncomfortable that made him. He had asked her to have NC with that couple because even then he knew how can you all "just be friends". I've often had to completely shake my head because I'm thinking of broccoli and noodles and suddenly I'm hearing about her previous A and her alcoholic M.

He'd been claiming he wanted to go to IC anyway back when he first left 4/20. He had two personal recommendations but has chosen not to go to either of them because each is either near where she lives or works. I told him about the phone therapy available but he wants to go to someone local so we're trying to get in with someone on our side of town.

Trust me I'm praying for me (strength and guidance), him (strength, strength and more strength) and the world. I know right now its one day at the time!

Hey all,
Just feeling a little discouraged today. Nothing seemed to happen yesterday or anything, H just never talked, seemed depressed. He did schedule his first appt. with MC, we chatted throughout the day, everything that's supposed to be happening.

OW had emailed him the first day, but didn't even attempt yesterday. He was sure she would go ballistic (although since he changed his phone # all she can get to him by is email - which I'm looking at as he checks). He says he never even told her we moved from our old house so she doesn't know where we live or phone number or anything. I think he may be depressed because her email just asked why/what changed and she wouldn't even ask him to come back (basically just a one liner). I think he was expecting much more and maybe its yet to come, I don't know. I have asked him to get his IT to block her messages but I'm not sure he's done it, yesterday was real busy. Today, I got his login info for his cell phone so I should be feeling good but I don't.

I'm very worried about how this will eventually shake out with my family. I know they don't understand or necasarily agree. I know he's terrified too, he said so. They have their opinions and they are entitled to them. But I think its too soon in withdrawl to start talking to him about ideas he can do to make it better with them. I'm trying not to worry about something I can't control but its hard because it does affect my life. I don't have too many people in my life so they are all pretty important. I never put anyone above my M though (another thing H commented on how OW and her S would not respect S's husbands wishes, etc. or either how OW was with her exH - her OW and her S relationship always came first). He knows I believe no one can come above yourself and when you are M you are simply two halves of a whole so invariably no one can come above your spouse either.

Alright I guess that's all. If I could hear some encouraging stories about how family got over the pain caused to them by WS?
Thanks

((UAH))

It does take time and this emotional roller coaster is super normal.

Would YOU be able to counsel with the Harleys, even if he wants to have someone local?

Read the How to Get Through Withdrawal section of this part of Dr. Harley's Coping With Infidelity: The End

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

I think you will see that the withdrawal he is experiencing is very normal. And the good news is that through Dr. Harley's MB "plan", you can move through all of these phases and have a wonderful Recovery.

Don't worry about your family right now. Alot of what they will feel will be connected to how they see you both recover and your marriage thrive. That's just how families work. And time truly does heal!

UAH,

Please consider WH changing his email or blocking her address. Isn't full-proof...still a step to protect himself and the marriage from contact. Oh, I see where you already asked him to have IT block it...if he's using a mail program to receive email, you can block it from there, too. Of if webmail with spam filter, from there. More options for your protection...not only dependent on him, 'k?

Even though your watching, it's contact, 'k?

Agree to delete her emails and not read. That protects him, too. Since you didn't, you witnessed the effects of contact...and it starts withdrawal all over again. Just does.

Don't get caught up by contact either...will give you both feelings of frustration, guilt, shame, depression (anger, fear, pain)...just from the contact.

There is no "should be feeling"...watch your signals...you've got "H never talked yesterday" and then you say he did. This is incredibly painful for you, so you're going to use these terms you learned in childhood as if they are real or can make anything different than it is right now.

You want to feel differently right now. Understandable. Not reasonable. You are not going to feel the way you do right now forever. Your brain will tell you differently. Your feelings will come and go, up and down, and still will be delivering you information about what you're believing right then.


Stop living in what isn't right now...respect your family will feel, act, think, believe what they will...not up to you. They love you. They will process their grief their way. You have your own. No entitlement anywhere...just reality. We all have them. Gonna take time to process, heal, understand and they may waver back and forth...let them. Your priority is your marriage...you didn't do this to them...and they really are there for you, even when it doesn't feel like it right now.

You are giving yourself some false emotions by dwelling where you have no control...that's what happens when we go into the future which hasn't arrived or the past, which is unchangeable...brain doesn't know time. Only right now. So it hands you emotions as if it's happening right now.

Do me a favor and ask for and listen to WH's details about his deception regarding the affair...don't listen to his description of her, what she did, liked, didn't do, thought, etc. Her stuff is IMAGINARY...not real. You're the real spouse, partner...she's OW...address her by her last name only. She's not part of your marriage. She's not your family.

This is the pain-time...and there's more with withdrawal...and there's two A's to recover from...the earlier one affected your marriage, too.

Seems like I didn't add a thing...you already got this...you're making your choices...dwell in your thoughts on separating stuff from actions...really seeing OW as fantasy and NOT participating in making her seem real...

Protect yourself and your half of the marriage from fantasy. Listen a lot, repeat...hand back...and enforce your boundaries around yourself. Give yourself permission to say where you hurt, why you hurt right now...speak and share, anyway.

This is really tough...toughest thing I've went through...it is not forever...it will have ups and downs with minutes of one another...see where you connect and disconnect...and KNOW you'll re-connect.

Have you planned out the 20 hours of UA time...do the recreational time together...play together again...don't think "this will hurt too much"...do it and be open. You know that saying, 90% of life is showing up? Well right now, you're showing up where you never wanted to be...you're there. You matter...show up for the play time...and have as much or more of it as the work time...limit your R questions/sharing/answers to one half-hour a week...schedule it in to a certain day and time...and then let go, 'k?

You keep verifying and showing up, and you will recover, 'k?

LA

Well, guess I know why I felt bad yesterday. H broke NC yesterday even before lunchtime, they had lunch together (he says that's all but of course I'm doubtful). Worse yet he called her (revealing his phone #) so I can have no expectation of NC now unless he changes his phone # again - which at this point he is unwilling to do. He did "confess" as soon as he got home yesterday but this leaves me feeling completely drained.

I have a hard time believing that this won't lead to Plan B plus I really think he's just going to leave again anyway. I'm really not expecting him to come home this evening.

And right now I'm not feeling particularly inspired to work on something that is so not a guarantee.

You have to demand a full range of O&H steps and transparency. If he's not willing to do all of them, you have to go to Plan B - for your own sanity and to preserve any feelings you have left for him. And to show him he can't cake eat. Telling you he did it doesn't make up for it. He has to learn that.

((UAH))

I am so sorry. That is the disease of addiction...RELAPSE! It makes my stomach sink when I read about it because I have lived it.


Your WH has MOUNTAINS to move in his Recovery and that only happens a stone at a time. Please do what you have to in order to take care of you; otherwise, if he does make a full Recovery, he won't have the same woman to come home to anyway.

So sorry for your pain!

Hang in there our friend.

UAH,

Hey there, trooper. One great thing about recovery...doesn't take inspiration, it's a simple choice...and it ain't ever easy, btw.

Seemed like it would be, maybe, considering how difficult it was to find the truth? And you did...you did that.

Seems to me, you're used to doing very well...doing, not being. Part of recovery is being...addressing a lot of intangibles and sorting them out from actions to take or not take.

Take inspiration from yourself, UAH...part of personal recovery is exactly what you're going through...it's not one-stop...it's a rollercoaster. And no matter the outcome, you get your lessons...and they are yours...nothing anyone else does can take that away. You'll know you did everything within your power and limits.

Please give us an update on whether he did come home that night and if you are willing to move to get away from OW. That would be the next consideration. Or, if you're going to move to Plan B right away and you want any help in composing the Plan B letter...which states what you're choosing to do, why you're doing it and what steps you require for WH.

The road home.

Then you rest better because you know it doesn't take a feeling, a lightbulb or a reward...takes simple choices which you already excel at taking.

You still rock, woman. All the way.

LA