I've already paid the lawyer, told her to file two different times, and cancelled two times. It will only take 60 days from the day we file for the divorce to be final - talk about quick!!!
I don't know if that is good or bad.

MY WH called to see how I was doing today. He said he was sad that we are selling the house. He told me how he is doing on weaning himself off of drugs (has no energy), we talked about his business a little, etc. It was a pleasant conversation - it is just so hard for me to see him as a druggie loser. He is trying very hard to be honest with me about everything now (I think). I looked into his cell phone records again and he and the OW have stopped phone contact. His story about when the affair started also seems legit (according to phone records). Did I mention he didn't consider her to be a girlfriend and that their relationship wasn't romantic, but she was just a friend with benefits. Has anyone else been told that story? I guess the A is not even the matter at hand at this point, but it still eats me alive.

1Baby, describing his relationship as "friends with benefits" really raises questions. Granted that the affair probably came about because she's a user. But, that comment leads one to wonder what your husband believes is due to a marriage. Did your husband think you two had an "open marriage"? What the heck makes him think that it somehow makes it not an affair if it's just friends having sex?

If you are financially and physically protected, and you start moving on in other ways, there's no rush to divorce. Your husband is a sad story, and it's okay to be sad about him. Just don't let him play you for sympathy. He doesn't need more enabling. He needs to start suffering the consequences of his behavior.

And until he's been clean for a while, there's no way to tell how much of his warped view of marriage and relationships is due to addiction and how much is really his own misguided thinking.

I would just tell him that yeah - it is unfortunate that your son needs to be uprooted and all. He needs to understand that had he not had an affair or been a drug user, the house he's 'so sad' about would still be jointly yours.

It's just the first of a series of changes he'll see as reverberating effects of his wayward behaviors.

And I have to agree with Green - 'friends with benefits' paleeaase. If that is indicative of his level of integrity and morality, you're always going to have a very hard time ever really trusting him again.

And let's face it, if you can't trust your spouse - is it really going to work?

"I've already paid the lawyer, told her to file two different times, and cancelled two times. It will only take 60 days from the day we file for the divorce to be final - talk about quick!!!
I don't know if that is good or bad."

I don't think you should be thinking of it in either term because it's both.

Here's the thing. You can hang on and continue trying to love him back to health and back to the marriage. However with no time line/deadline on your part for him to get help and write the girl a NC letter there is no boundary in place. You'll keep going in the same cycle, keep dancing the same dance.

So...how about this...

Tell him that he has 30 days to get himself into drug counseling and write this girl a NC letter that you will read and send yourself in order for you to NOT file for divorce. She has to be removed from the work place. If he still hasn't done anything after 30 days, I think you have your answer about how much he loves you and wants to stay in a committed relationship with you. If he complies, stays in counseling, stays sober, and writes the letter for you to approve and send, you hold off on the divorce, though the separation will continue until you talk to his drug counselor privately and determine a safe date to allow him back home.

What's in it for him? He gets healthy and watches his son grow up. He has a loving wife and a business back on track, and his mother is proud of him again.

Is the OW working for 1Baby's husband? If that's the case, you may want to tread carefully about having her fired. Here's why: A quid pro quo sexual harassment lawsuit, hard to prove, but could be risky and expensive to face. Most small businesses are sole propritorships which means the owners have personal liability, and if 1Baby isn't divorce, her assets may be at risk.

If this man was repentant and enthusiastic about saving his marriage and making changes, and he wasn't an addict, I might think the risk of lawsuit versus the benefits of no contact was worth it. In this situation, I'm not sure that's a bet I'd want to take. 1Baby, if the OW works for you H, you need to discuss what risks you're facing. It may be none, or it may be significant.

Otherwise, I like Soolee's idea. He goes to rehab, you go to Alanon or whatever the rehab suggests. And then, there was this crazy old book I read back when I was married. It's about this lady and the lumber yard. Her husband inherited a lumber yard and was about to take her on vacation when her father steps in and says the lumber yard is about to go belly up. Mrs. M cancels trip, and respectfully starts managing the lumber yard, letter her husband do what he does best... sell. She also has a lot of her own money, and she refuses to put one drop of that money in to save the business. She was obviously strong and smart. She also had a super husband who respected her. The moral is you can help your husband with his business, but not with money. His business has to stand or fail on it's own. And the help only works if he's willing to acknowledge when you have a better way.

All this presupposes he goes to rehab and stays off drugs.

Green:
I think I got confused with her statement earlier:

"My H is hanging out with people that also do drugs. He owns his own company (which I keep bailing out of financial trouble to my own suffering), and he even hires people that I don't want him to (because I know they do drugs)."

I must have lumped her in with the people he has hired against 1baby's better judgment. We'll need her to clarify.

Ah. If he hasn't been sleeping with the druggies he employs, their exit should definitely be part of the conditions for not filing for divorce. As soon as he gets into/out of rehab, mandatory random drug testing goes in place at his business. Anyone using gets fired on the spot.

Part of remaining sober and drug free means having no contact with people who use. Period. None. That's one reason it's so hard for people to stay off drugs. Their social network is gone as well as the drugs.

Alcoholics it have it better since they don't form a secret club the way illegal drug users do. Therefore, they just need to avoid situations where alcohol will be a big factor, or one particular drinking buddy.

WH came over last night and I acted nice, but indifferent. He played with the baby a while, was nice to me, got me to help him figure out how to do something on the computer, and then hugged me to leave. I barely hugged him back, you know - no passion in it. He drove down the road and 20 minutes later my phone rang. He said "you have made up your mind to go through with the divorce, haven't you?" This is one of the first times he appears to actually be scared that I am really going to go through with it.

I have a hard time following Dr. Harleys principles of no AO, DJ, etc - because I have to tell my WH that I don't think that he will change and do the things that are necessary for this marriage to work. He didn't like what I had to say, but I was serious. I will not put up with settling anymore. I have done that my entire marriage, and I can and will move on if need be.
I just haven't come up with a time frame for change....

Well...you need to or there really is no boundary there. He gets the message that he can waffle forever and in the meantime, he really doesn't get better or off drugs.

I'm going to put my pretend Dr. Spock hat on and just say that perhaps he was indulged way too much growing up - no rules maybe - every good thing he did was inflated, and every bad thing he did was played down or taken too much in stride.

Either way - he needs rules now, especially since his blatant disregard for some sort of moral code is infringing on your life and that of your son.

It is not a DJ to say that based on what he's been saying and doing, you are planning to move forward with divorce unless he gets himself into rehab pronto.

Exactly. "I don't think that he will change and do the things that are necessary for this marriage to work."

Unless you delivered this statement calmly and matter-of-fact, it was not an angry outburst or a disrespectful judgment. It was just the truth. He hasn't given you any indications that would permit you to look at a future with him with optimism.

Hi. I couldn't read all the posts-don't have time...

But, have you gone to Alanon at all? Good program. If you haven't gone, you might look into that. Helped me a lot.

I was where you are now but my husband is an alcholic. And I did file for divorce this month. It will be final soon enough. My heart is broken in a 1000 pieces, but I had to do this. I told him that all I wanted was for him to go to AA or see a substance abuse counselor. That I'd stay. He agreed...then changed his mind saying he had no problem. We have a 3 year older and a 1 year old. It's horrible and depressing but had to be done.

With drugs, there is NO COMPETITION, THE DRUG WILL ALWAYS WIN. Period. That's it. He will say what he has to say to stay on the drug. He cannot quit on his own especially with something as addictive as Meth!! No way. He will not be able to stop till he gets help and even then, I'm not so sure. meth is a bad bad drug and horribly addictive.

Best of luck. Stop sleeping with him. Don't get into another relationship. get into YOU. Talk to friends. Get support thru Alanon. But you are trying to fight a losing battle. The Meth while triumph.

Sorry to say.

I do recommend divorce.

Hell, if he gets better and truly proves himself one day, go marry him again. Right?

Best of luck.

I can't believe that methadone is even a legal drug if it is so bad for everyone. Why are they marketing something that people get so addicted to - it makes me mad that my WH took it in the first place!!!

It's because the heroin addiction is so strong and the physicaly effects of withdrawal are so dangerous. Methodone is the lesser of two evils. I believe the theory is to gradually get them off the methodone as well.