Guys
I have been thinking all night about all of this. I have turned to God n thought about my duty as a wife. I made a vow in front of my god that I will be with my H for better or worse. I can't break those vows. I have never been with anyone other than my H and I don't intend to.

Brown,

You're enmeshed in your own fog. It's frustrating to see you be a doormat so willingly.

Plan B doesn't mean you're divorcing your H. It means you're cutting off the abuse. Yes, you made a vow to be with him, but that vow was a contract with him that he would be true to you.

So you move to Plan B and it will drive him crazy. You aren't leaving him. You're removing yourself from the abuse and taking a stance for your marriage and letting him know that he will not receive any attention from you or love from you until he stops seeing this other woman, returns to your marriage, and recommits.

You can be in Plan B for as long as you can stand it. But you're afraid of doing what is obvious to all of us. You let him go in order to get him back. He stops fence sitting and the affair will break up on its own.

Plan B is a stand for your marriage and your morals, not an abandonement.

So stop these religious justifications to rationalize letting yourself be abused. In no scripture I ever read does God demand that a spouse tolerate infidelity and stay in a marriage where the other spouse was running around and screwing around.

Your self esteem is so low that I can see the ridiculous scenario that a previous poster made of you being a servant in your own home and cooking meals for you WH and his OW. YOU are responsible for how you let others treat you and hanging around and hoping he sees the light will destroy you slowly over time.

Stop it. We hate to see you punish yourself over and over again.

Sorry P
I guess I didn't make myself clear, WH wants a divorce, his version of Plan B includes that. I was saying that I won't give into that ie wanting the divorce.

OK, If you wont get divorced than what is your alternative? Are you going to remain married to him but never again live with him? Will you move in with THEM and:

1. Watch him have sex with the other woman in your bed?
2. Make dinner for both of them after they have boinked together?
3. Clean house for them?
4. Be the "third" wheel since he loves someone else now and has for at least 6 months?

If you will never get divorced, then what DO YOU PLAN TO DO NOW WITH YOUR LIFE?

Brown,

Waywards say lots of things. They will tell you that you once had a chance but don't anymore because you violated their privacy and trust.

They tell you that they can't trust you.

They tell you that you're the problem.

They tell you that if you make things difficult then the divorce will be ugly and you can never be friends.

They say lots of stuff. You know what most of it is? Hot air and posturing.

Don't worry about what he thinks about Plan B. He's not going to like it. But nothing will push him off the fence faster than seeing you cut him off and experience life without you. He'll either love it at first and relish it, or he'll see that he could really lose you.

What do you in that time? You don't sit around waiting for him. You start healing and carrying on with your life.

Brown, here's the thing, if you continue down the path you're on one of two things will happen: You'll grow to hate your WH or you'll become so depressed you'll become suicidal.

That's the only outcome unless you help yourself with Plan B. The personality you have tells me that the latter option is the most likely in your case and I would hate to see that.

They pretty much all say that (wanting a divorce). No one says you have to go with that (for now) but going to Plan B will be a RELIEF for you and it will send a very strong message to your WH. Plan B doesn't ALWAYS mean divorce. But even if it did in your case, you would have some breathing room to begin healing and figure out what you really want for your life. It will also protect the love that you have your husband. If you continue on as is, eventually you are going to come to hate him for all the things he is doing.

Plan B is the ticket.

T/J OMG pomdbd3, I was posting at the same time you were and we said almost the exact same thing.

end T/J

Browneyes, this should be even more confirmation for you about what you need to do!

Thank you pomdbd3
So from a man's perspective do you think that if there is some love left for me in him, he might come back of i do Plan B?
I am gearing myself up for Plan B anyway but just wanted to know what a man's take on this is.

Thank you Princess
I know what I need to do, no one said life is easy!

Brown,

He is not doing a Plan B to YOU. He is doing the same thing that many of the waywards do. Games, no different.

YOU are the only one that can do the Plan B. Do you believe in Dr. Harley's MB principles? If so, why are you not following them?

You have NO CHANCE of ever RECOVERING from this if you don't start taking a stand. I know that Mimi has said that to you OVER and OVER and OVER.

Answer me this:

1) when will you be done with your Plan B letter for us to see?
2) are you still planning to meet with WH in person tomorrow (Wed)?
3) where did he propose that take place and how long is this meeting going to be?
4) are you in counseling?
5) have you looked up any self-help groups? (i.e. Alanon, Codependents Anon)

1) I started it last night but struggling to write it

This is how I started

My dearest WH
This is probably one of the hardest letters I will have ever written to you. Never in a million years had I dreamt that I would be writing this. I am sorry that I have not always been there for you. I know my best efforts didn’t seem to be enough but believe me, I never meant to hurt you. I am sorry that you feel that I didn’t trust you. I did, and always have. Just like now, I have faith in our love and I have faith in you to do the right thing. I know you can’t see it now, but we can create a life that is more wonderful than the present, that is filled with fun, laughter, happiness and most importantly children. I want more than anything else to bring back our lost child.
However, none of this can happen while you are with OW. I will keep on praying that you find the strength to do the right thing and come back, but until that point I will have to stay away from you.

2 Yes I am meeting him tomorrow, we are spending the day together, he hasn't said where

3 I am in counselling, they use cognitive therapy

So if you meet with him tomorrow and you don't have a clear plan of action and your Plan B letter is not complete and you haven't stated what you need for him to do in order to have contact with you and recover your marriage....

what will this day look like??

Will it be another day like the one where the 2 of you cried over the divorce papers?

What are you expecting from tomorrow? Why are you willing to throw yourself out there like the lamb to the slaughter?

God requires us to Forgive, but he does not expect us to tolerate Sin.

Exactly!! Where's your plan girl?

I am going to tell him my conditions.
Also, I have dug up all our old letters (from the days we were courting) and cards from post wedding to remind him of the love we did have.
I just want to have a good n happy day n a trip down the good parts of memory lane!

Brown,

I hate to say it sweetie, but I think you are "addicted" to this sadness as much as he is addicted to what he has created.

You are actually setting yourself up for TEARS of pain walking down "memory lane".

It's like watching someone walk in front of a car and you're not close enough to do anything about it.

Have you actually witnessed an animal being run over??

I would liken what you are doing to yourself to that agonizing pain and suffering that the poor thing goes through.

The difference is, YOU can move from the oncoming car, but you REFUSE to.

I'm afraid it won't matter much what we suggest you do.

So when you come back on Wednesday night after suffering severe pain and turmoil at not only HIS hands, but also YOUR own, what do you want us to tell you?

Bad, bad idea. You can't FORCE him to feel the same way as you do. I did this EXACT same thing, the old bring out the family pics and cards trick, while my FWH was a wayward. He had no interest in taking "a trip down the good parts of memory lane!" I couldn't believe how cold he was. I'm not saying your husband will be the same, but he is a wayward, right? My husband accused me of trying to manipulate him, which is EXACTLY what I was doing.

I say the only thing you need to bring with you is your Plan B letter. Plan A him up to the time you get ready to leave, NO RELATIONSHIP talk, just pleasant and fun. Then give him your Plan B letter and go really, really dark.

Or you can stick to your plan...

Well, whenever I did that - ie took our rings, ultrasound pic, he did waver a lot so i thought this may help.
I will finish the letter tonight

Brown,

He wavers every day.....I'll bet if you went on this "outing" with him and said absolutely nothing, you could watch him waver right in front of you.

It's just an insane, mean power trick that he does to you.

And remember "she" is waiting for him at home when he comes back from this play time with you sucking the rest of the life out of you.

I hope that you minimally give him a strong Plan B after you have taken this emotional beating tomorrow and then I pray you will stick to it.

That's going to take CHANGING YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER so he can't call or text you.

I've already ordered a new phone. I did it yesterday and it should arrive by tomorrow. I am not going to give him this new number.
I know this is going to be the hardest thing i've ever done n i will have to draw on every ounce of strength i have, but my life depends on it, so i know i have to succeed!

Do I also withdraw the divorce papers?