Just to recap.....My H has asked that I not talk about his A, the OW, or the mistakes we've made. This makes it very hard to re-establish a connection as so many things are off limits. During his A, many things/conversations took place, that I need resolved (I think) in order to move forward.<P>I have a list of questions, and need answers to them, but cannot ask them as this would go against his request (No conversations about, the OW, or the whys of the affair). Should I just give him the list and hope for answers? Should I just throw in the towel?<P>I think that these unanswered questions, are causing me to be suspious about his current activities. As I really don't understand why he had an affair, so I don't understand why he won't have another, or if he really has ended this one? I'm confused, so I'm rambling.<P>For instance, on the last two tuesdays, I had to be out of town for the day. Both nights, when I got home he asked that I don't answer the phone. He gave plausable excuses both times, but it still bother me. Also, lately he has been erasing the caller id box.....again I wonder why?<P>I also, get the feeling he is feeling guilty, as he'll say things like, "Are you upset that I took a two hour lunch break today, I wasn't doing anything wrong....I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it before hand, but I forgot (or you were in ameeting so I could ntell you)....I went to see so in so about a job, or visited so-in-so at the hospital"........His reasons for the two hour lunch are possible......but why is he telling me like that.......and if I hadn't called and been told his not in the office, I wouldn't know, so how many two hour lunches don't I know about?<P>He is also getting angry very easily, another sign of guilty feelings? Or am I adding this up wrong??<P>Help!<P>

Honestly... it sounds like he has not ended this affair. He is still distancing himself from you, not talking about what happened so that it can be resolved. Guilt puts you on the defensive too. do you think your inner gut may be telling you something?

OnceHappy:<P>I agree with Tamis, it sounds like the affair is ongoing. I suggest that you discuss it with him (including your suspicions)---without lovebusters.<P>It's not a lovebuster to ask him questions, or to want answers. This is following the rule of complete honesty. What you need to be careful of is his feelings with this---try to use the POJA to get the answers you need, in a way that your husband feels most comfortable giving (a written list works well for some). <P>But I would bet that if you go to him with your suspicions on his behavior, he's liable to get very defensive. You should respond in a stable way, and let him know that it's his behaviors that are suspicious, and that you love him, and want the marriage to work. But I'd keep my eyes open here.

Yes, Tamis.....I think my gut is telling me something I don't want to hear, and that's why I'm struggling with it so much!<P>K, I think I understand how to approach the subject, without me love busting....but when he gets defensive I'm afraid I'll lose it....Any suggestions? I'm very worked up abou this.....<P>I know that if (when) I discover there is still contact between my H and the OW, I'm leaving....so maybe that's why I'm so afraid of this!<P>I do love him, but I cannot stay with him if she (or any other woman) is in the picture....I'm I'm being too rigid about this?<P>What to do? How to do it? I'm driving my self crazy about this!

When I tried to bring up our future last night, he escaped to cut the grass. Later, I tried again, but he got angry and said....I had a rotten day at work and NOW you want to drag all my mistakes out again....<BR>Help!<P>How do I get him to understand that we MUST talk about US......I don't want to discuss HER!!! Just WHAT WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY?? and WHAT HE CAN DO TO HELP ME!<P>I'm so frustrated......Is this where plan b comes in?<P>Help

Once Happy-<BR>Get yourself another caller id box and attach it to another phone inconspicuously. Get an extra long cord if necessary and put the box inside or underneath something. You can then find out what calls are coming in that he feels the need to erase off box.<P>If H is remorseful and re-committed, I wouldn't question the reports about his comings and goings. But, if not, I would wonder why he's offering up information? <P>Good Luck

hi oh,<BR>I am not real big on the snoop routine, so have to veto that part. On the other hand, you do need to know what is going on. I think tamis and k are right. What does your gut say? Usually I like to follow those feelings, but not sure I completely trust my post affair gut feelings! They are a bit out of kilter. So, be careful there. <BR>I sure would be answering the phone!! That is not snooping, that is getting right to the meat.

I'm not too keen about the snooping thing either. I'm not up to the emotional toll snooping takes on me, even when I find nothing out. I had snooped quite a bit last summer, and the tension it caused ME was unbelievable.......And in the end confrontation was a result of our daughter stumbling over the truth.....my snooping resulted in less then concrete facts until she overheard a telephone conversation between the two of them! My H is very good a covering his tracks, so it appears that the best approach for now is to listen to my gut, watch and wait. I hoping the outcome will be that my gut quiets down because there isn't anything to it, the alternative is he'll slip up, and my "proof" will fall at my feet, like it did last time.<BR>Anyway, meanwhile we seem to be at a mexican standoff-I need to talk and he won't! Every approach I've tried has failed, so maybe I just need to sit and wait this out too?