Here we go again......

In a nutshell: 7 years ago when I divorced my abusive ex, there was a restraining order for 2 years. He became an over the road trucker and I never heard from him, he'd call the kids once in a while even tho he was allowed supervised visits he never took advantage of them. I remarried but it only lasted 3 years and I was divorced last December.

In January the kids' dad decided to move closer and quit trucking (actually, he was driving with marijuana in his truck and lost his CDL). He was really pretty decent.....respectful to me, saw the kids more often, did some repairs around my house; seemed like it was going ok even tho I definitely didn't want to get back with him. Well, of course he was conning me again. He got hurt at work and was off for 6 weeks while his leg healed up and suddenly he was at my house all the time. He'd show up at 8 am on my day off and wonder why no one was ready to "go do something". I had to put my foot down and tell him he had to call before coming over. Then I came home one day to find him lounging in my hammock, drinking my diet coke. I got angry and told him he was NOT to be at my house when I wasn't home, or without my permission. His response was that since he pays child support he was helping make the house payments so he had a right to be there!!! I told him no way, it was not his house and never had been. The kids were attracted to the yelling, so in front of them he started going on about how he was just there to see his precious children and I was trying to keep them from him. I said if he wanted to see the kids he should call and make arrangements, take them to his house, the park, whatever, but NOT AT MY HOUSE. (The kids are 12, 15, 16 so hardly a problem to take places).

The last straw was this past week. I had written down all the family plans, summer camps, etc we have going on and he knew this next weekend we were going camping as a family. He intentionally went and bought Theme Park tickets for Friday and announced in front of the kids that he had them, so they couldn't go camping with me. I was furious. My oldest son is believeing everything his dad says about me being a liar, etc and so is becomming a big problem himself with talking back, attitude, etc. My ex is also threatening me with "I can quit paying child support and put you on welfare if you kick me off your place".

How do I keep this from spiraling out of control? How do I keep him off my property when I"m not home? I just found out from the kids that he was out here today again. I'm not trying to stop him from seeing his kids, but I don't want him acting like he lives here. He actually could have the kids every other weekend and 2 nights a week, but he won't because he only takes them when it makes him look good or upsets me.

You can tell you'll call the cops for trespassing next time he comes over unannounced. And let him know if he quits paying child support that he'll have his lisence revoked and face the possiblity of going to jail.

Anna - Get your child support payments set up through the state. That way, if he starts missing payments THEY go after him, and he doesn't have that carrot to hold up in front of you any more.


Pretty skewed, and he knows it. Call your local law enforcement and have one of the nice officers explain it to him. Then request that they drive by your property regularly over the next several days to ensure that the intruder is not on your property. They will keep a record of the complaints, and he'll be the first one questioned if anything turns up missing or vandalized.

So did he take them to the theme park, or did you get to go camping?

How's your son doing in summer school?

Call the police AND your lawyer. Show your kids what you're doing and explain why.

Actually, he does pay CS through the state. His wages are automatically garnished......if he's working. Right now he's about $300 behind. They won't go after him till he's a few months behind, and he knows it. He's very good at playing the system.

I just hate bothering the sheriff's dept. with this stupid stuff. However, I guess I may have to. I live about 4 miles from town and I hate to have them have to drive by here to check up on him.......and of course, that's why he does it, is just to upset me. I'm trying not to let it work.

You violated the order, now you must pick up and stay strong again. Get an alarm system and tell the kids not to let him in. Hopefully he will get a new job soon, far, far away.

Lock up all your food and pop. Maybe he will quit coming around if there is no food or pop available.

Stella,

What order did I violate? The no contact order expired 5 years ago and I never had any reason to have it reinstated as I didn't even know where he lived. Now that he's back I still don't have a good reason; he is not physically threatening and does leave when I tell him to. While restraining orders have their place for safety issues, they are really inconvenient when it comes to dealing with children and visitation. I don't want to pay my lawyer $140 an hour to communicate with him.

I'm also not trying to keep him from seeing his children. They are old enough that I let them decide if they want to do things with him or not when he calls.....unfortunately he is very manipulative and offers them things he knows I can't afford. They are also not going to refuse to let him in the house because they LIKE their dad.....which is, I guess, as it should be. The problem is not so much getting rid of him altogether as it is teaching him to respect my boundaries.

Anna - I think what Stella means is the same thing that came to my mind - you had supervised visitation due to his penchant for little boys? and you were concerned for their safety?

I know the RO was also because of his treatment of you, but I'm not mixing you up with someone else am I?

Is that no longer an issue? Your boys old enough now that he's not a danger to them?

As far as the boundaries go, a big dog - mean - who you've trained to hate the man - that might work... Or you can move to a more populated area. This man isn't going to respect anything you say. But he will respect what you DO. Bake some cookies for the local law enforcement; tell them what he's doing - coming into your home when you have a non-relationship with him - that he previously had a RO against him - and what they'd suggest you do...

Hi there Anna,

Time goes fast I did not realize the no contact order was up. So, if the boys let him in it would be tough to set boundaries. If you think about it, what are the boundaries you want to set. I know what I would want to do.

1. I would never want him in my home again
2. I would not want him seeing the kids ever
3. I would not want him on the property
4. I would never want him in the SAME STATE!

But your kids like to see him so these would not work.

What boundaries do you want that could work?

1. Not eating your foods
2. Not drinking your pop
3, Not sneaking around the property
4. Not coming when you are not home
5. Not bursting in unnanounced.

Are these sort of like the boundaries you want to set?

Also, Anna I love you now. I saw the beautiful pictures of your handiwork. Girl, you can sew up a storm! You can make anything! I love and admire creative people like you who do good and create beauty with thier talents!!!!

It doesn't sound like it would matter if your children let him in or not; he's going to go in anyway?

I know where I'm from, you need to put up no trespassing signs in order for the police to be able to enforce anything.

Friend of my sisters - she and her ex are so bad about fighting that they exchange their daughter in the parking lot of the police station. Maybe taking your kids to him or meeting him somewhere with the kids rather than the other way around might be a better way and give you some control.

It's not exactly a boundary, but it gives you more say in how he's going to achieve contact.

And I don't see anything wrong with talking to the police about your situation - that though there is nothing you know of that they can do, you want them to be aware of the volitile atmosphere he's putting the family in - that he's a bit of a trouble maker.

You poor thing, you are living what had been my long time worst fear while I was raising DS. His father, my first X, was a manipulative con artist with no respect for anything or anyone as well. He also abandoned DS because he was indignated by supervised visitation. Fortunately, he never came back until DS was grown (we are monitoring carefully now as they have connected on Facebook - we being myself and X's family). Had he resurfaced during these years, I would have been in your same boat.

I don't know if it would work, but here's where I would start. I would call the police and explain the situation. Find out exactly what the legal boundaries are. If he's like my X, he already knows and he'll be careful to merely stretch them, rather than cross them. Ask, no beg them to allow you to file a report of any kind. Get a legal paper trail started. Again, if he's like my X and you give him enough rope, he'll hang himself with it, but only if you're ready with a noose.

Then, explain clearly to him that he is NOT to show up at your house without calling first, CS or no CS. Tell him he can see the children, but not there (unless you have reason to think he might take off with them). Be clear and firm, but don't be threatening. You don't want him showing up at their school or friends places either.

And the very moment he breaks any law, no matter how minor (even a parking violation), call the cops and get him charged.

I would also get a restraining order as soon as you legally can(you can't around here until after you've been beaten, raped, murdered or some other horrible thing you're afraid of and want the RS for in the first place). It may cost money, but not as much as it could cost if you let this low life manipulator into your life.

Here in Texas, we have something called the Castle Doctrine.

I'm just sayin'...

Seabird: I looked it up, Iowa has no Castle Doctrine. Too bad... altho the ex meeting an untimely end on my property might be a bit traumatic for the kids.

Stella: I agree wholeheartedly with the first list, but the second one is pretty much the ultimatum I gave him a few days ago. I know he's shown up at least once since then, his reason being to say goodbye to our daughter before she left for camp (I was at work).......he's never paid any attention to the kids going to camp before, but of course this time he made a big deal of it, knowing it was "legitimate". Aaaaaaargh. Well, he did give her some spending money and I was glad of that as I was wiped out after the $300 for her camp.

Oh, and I need to update my blog, IE has crashed every time I've tried to do it this week. Grrrr.

I know the Sheriff fairly well, so I am going to go talk to him about how to handle this and what I can do. My older son just said his dad plans to move about 20 miles away by the end of June, so that will help.

Twenty miles makes a big difference with the price of gas what it is, and the end of the month is fast approaching, so take heart in that.

What you might suggest to him is that he buy the kids a trac phone (net10.com) that he can add minutes to as it's necessary, and for both he and them to use it for the sole purpose of open communication to and from dad. This makes it look like you're okay with that sort of communication and might help curb his tendency to just drop by.

Great idea Soolee, I actually had bought the kids tracphones and suggested to him that he buy them cards so he could communicate with them......he bought a card for the oldest son, but not the other two, and then started making excuses for not getting cards at all. He tends to be very unbalanced in how he treats the kids; for example tomorrow he is taking two of them to a Theme Park, but not our daughter because she is at camp till Saturday morning. He refused to wait till she could go to, and she was very upset and disappointed.