This might be surreal but it's not a fabrication. I am the husband of rainisgone. I am emotionally and mentally spent, so I am relying on you guys to pull her out of the fog. I'm going to stay out of her thread, as I don't want to influence it in any way.

I have felt that things were not right for some time and finally approached the subject in January. Things have been a roller coaster of emotions since. After reading some of the material on this site and talking to her in depth, I determined something was not right and unfortunately this is true. Her attitude, demeanor, and her actions all screamed affair. Nothing I did had much effect. It seems I have done somewhat of a plan A the past few months and I have exposed to anyone that would matter. The only thing, is I have not been affectionate at all, nor have I wanted to with so much eating away at me that was unresolved. I have changed myself for the better, joined a gym, taking night classes at school, and overall have been happier with myself.

I have pretty much gotten over the previous affair, it was a long time ago. The gambling was much worse as I have to live everyday with the consequences. It's not something I can bottle up and hide like an emotional betrayal, it was a betrayal with a promissory note. But the past 8 months have been gambling free and we are making progress on the debts. It still hurts to think about the previous affair, no doubt, but we were young and really stupid. I'm not making apologies for her by no means and I fee she has owned up to it. I just don't think we have dealt with the consequences very well and neither of us know what it takes to get over something of this magnitude.

This current emotional affair has really set me back light years. Last night was the final straw and I am prepared to move out and sleep in a vehicle if needed. I got home from a night class at school and she lied about coming home from work. She met OM to have dinner and essentially "break it off". I have no idea if this is true, what happened, or anything, as there is no trust at all. She claims the affair is not physical, but it really doesn't matter, as the emotions and time invested in this dude are still out there.

I really don't know what to do right now. I'm just sitting still waiting for the other shoe to drop I suppose. She is still foggy and talking to her just frustrates and infuriates me to no avail. I told her any chance of reconciling she would have to post here and ask questions and advice, but maybe I was feeding a kitten to the lions and she's not ready for that realism yet, I don't know. I'm going to continue with my self improvements and I'm not going to rush a decision on our relationship until I am ready.

**EDIT**

My condolences Dude! Stick around. You can be helped. Sadly Rain cannot in her current state. Keep posting and DON"T move out of your house. Your son needs you desperately!

God's Blessings,

Say

I'm sorry you are here 72dude...worst club in the world to be joining. I'm a newly BH and don't have all that much advice to give, but it sounds like you are at least taking care of yourself. Your WW on the other hand is a long way from recovery. The FWW's here will help her clear her fog. In the mean time, you just take the advice from the vets here and you will be fine. Take care.

Intro

Dude,

Please please please take your son and yourself away from your adulterous wife immediately. I can not tell you how sincere I am in this advice. There is only so much you can do to change your wife's behavior.

You need to be strong and noble and protect your son. He is your only concern.

There is NO WAY she is not banging him.

Get away before the emotional toll on you renders YOU useless to your son.

You need to set an example of what a good decent strong and honorable man is.

Pandering to her lies and justifications is NOT that.

Please, I implore you, get away from her tonight. Do not cross state lines.

If there is ANY chance to salvage your marriage, showing her definitively what she stands to lose is the ONLY way.

Please do it now. You are the only sane and safe place for your child. He will see this, and it will help him to one day be a good man too.

I wish you strength and peace.

TTH

PS - GO NOW! DO NOT WAIT! SHE'S WITH HIM ALREADY!!!

My DS is with his grandparents. I don't think moving out is going to solve anything long term.

Then change the locks before your **edit** WW gets home.

Introvert man, you aren't helping matters very much. I am too tired to argue with you right now, but I would really appreciate some of these former WW, etc. to talk to her. I have a small crack in my door open to let her back in, but I want her to deal with a lot of her issues first. I am not qualified to deal with them, and financially I can't afford pros right now. I have read a lot of useful info on this board from some really good people, and I ask that you help us in whatever ways you can.

**edit**

**edit**

dude,

If you have the time and the energy; try to get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley.

It has some great stuff that you can do that will fit in with the things rain will learn here.

Oh BTW - Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here.

Blessings.

S&C

I'm not going to get into the troll situation any more than has already been discussed. If there are any inconsistencies in the story, I don't think it was intentional. You guys really came out swinging and I don't think she was mentally prepared for the onslaught of BS wrath. I asked her to post here myself as a required step in recovery, as I think seeing this side of the equation would be very beneficial to her. There are also a lot of women here that are recovered and have been in her shoes, so I thought that relatedness would possibly "cut through" the fog so to speak where I could not. I am tired of "preaching" and have resigned myself to let her figure it out without my telling her what to do.

I have been suspicious for some time, and the past few weeks more and more has come to light. I found the secret phone a month ago. I even talked to the ahole at that time and he said he would never call again. Last night was the shoe dropping. I found letters, email accounts, myspace pages, she come clean (supposedly) about everything. Contact had never stopped.

The problem is, that I am very resentful that I am even in this situation and that I have to deal with it. It is like she has learned absolutely nothing from the past. The way I have been overcoming these indescretions of hers are that I have told myself that she has learned her lesson on this and it won't happen again, and now it has happened again. It makes me feel what have I been doing all these years and what have I been working towards?

72Dude,

Make no decisions right now. You are in no position right now to make good decisions. Right after discovering all of this new stuff, your emotions will be all over the board.

I know you have done some reading here, but do some more. Also figure out what it will take for you to accept her back. I think that some counseling for addictions or addictive behavior would be a good start. She went from having an affair to out of control gambling, back to affairs. This is not a good sign, she needs help and you are right you cannot fix her.

Perhaps your church or some organization you belong to offers counseling, or perhaps it is part of medical insurance, check it out.

But, most of all don't move out, make her move if necessary, and don't make any decisions right now. Let yourself calm down.

God Bless,

JL

72Dude,

It's a travesty that your WW was treated the way she was. Years ago, I too had my FWH post here to get some input and it really helped. I am grateful for the integrity of the posters that were willing to do that for him.

Tell her to not give up. I've instructed her on how to use the "ignore" feature. You click on the users name, click on View Profile and then click on Ignore User. I suggest she do that rather than continue the banter back and forth because that energy should be spent on working through this issue with you.

Listen to JL and S&C and the others that are really interested in your progress. Let the rest go, tell her the same.

Good luck and God Bless!

72dude,

I started a new thread for her. If she is willing have her read it and then Ace's success story thread which I just bumped up for her.

God Bless,

JL

Rain was called out on her babble. She proceeded to tell BS's they were 'retards' and 'worthy of divorce'.

No travesty but hers.

The travesty is how 72dude was treated.

iam,

Let it go. This really is a marriage building site, and Rain is really in the fog. She is not the first WS to come here in a fog. She won't be the last.

I know you have been here long enough to know that we call it "the fog" because nothing makes much sense AND people in the fog are very very defensive. The idea is get in under the radar screen and bit by bit disentagle their thinking. A few posts won't do it.

I know what you are seeing, and so do the rest of us, and surely so does her H. The idea is to see if the marriage can be saved and to do that "The Fog" must clear. It does in an amazing number of situation, but not if the WS is on the defensive. They simply entrench and nothing useful is accomplished.

You have said your piece and all know your thoughts. Let it go OK?

God Bless,

JL

Done.

FWIW, and not to add any fuel, JL is absolutely right. A foggy WW sounds very like a troll.

I'm an FWW and was lucky enough to be treated very well when I arrived on MB four years ago. I once called out a foggy WW and was told to "F*** off* by her. That marriage survived and recovered.

During the time two years ago, after I renewed contact with the OM, I was given some very, very tough 2x4s. I became defensive and sarcastic, just what you'd expect from the foggy WW I was being at the time.

It's so important to remember that Dr Harley DOES address both the wayward and the betrayed. It's why I chose MB in the first place - I'd read the articles and was so impressed by the way *I* as a wayward was being given tools to use. There were no judgements in the articles just HOPE for me. It started my recovery, which was then helped by people like JL and others like him.

Another poster (not sure if he's still around) gave me one the biggest 2x4s I'd ever been given after my relapse. It was given from concern, it didn't use profanity, it didn't use disrespect. It made me think long and very hard and it was the best thing that could have happened.

Anyway, sorry for the t/j. I wanted to inject some hope and sanity.

iam,

thanks! We'll see if we can bring her around. You can help if you want. Just remember when they lapse into defense, we lose time and waste effort. 72Dude, deserves the best we can do, so that he has choices.

God Bless,

JL