Hello Rain,

I don't think I got the opportunity to post to your last thread because it degenerated into a mess before I could. I have been here a long time. I have seen some amazing transformations occur on the part of WS'.

If you are interested I would encourage you to read some old posts and successful posts. Ace has a thread that captures some of them. One of the most powerful in my mind was by "facing choices". If you read Ace's thread look for my name and then her posts. It will amaze as to what can be done.

I would also like to explain to you something that is not often discussed on this site. For most men, they define themselves by how they take care of the family financially, I know seems old fashioned these days but really nothing has changed. Your gambling and the financial devastation it caused may have hurt your H even more than the A you had years ago. It put huge pressure on him, it showed you had no respect for him nor what he did to provide for the family.

Your H is under huge pressure and your current A is applying more. If you want to give this a chance, please consider going NC with your OM, and then sit quietly and do a lot of reading here. You will begin to see things that will change your perspective. I would also encourage you to consider counseling to address addictions. You went from getting married to an affair, then from an affair to gambling, and from gambling back to an affair, all in a short time (a decade).

I cannot tell you how things will work out, I cannot tell you that your marriage can be saved even if you decide to try and do this. But, I can tell you that your H is running out of gas. I can tell you that OM will NOT lead to a better life. I can tell you that you will come to regret what you are doing right now very very deeply.

Please do some reading, and then come and ask questions, and let's discuss this a bit.

God Bless,

JL

Rain,

You're not alone. Many of us have been in your shoes...and what I see is a replacement of addictions going on...first an A, then the gambling, now the gambling stops and another A...only this time, distraction in the guise of a "friend."

The tough part about coming to grips with your choices is the deep self-deception which MUST precede these actions...so you don't think the OM has influence...to understand if that is true or not, cut his influence off from your life for six months. Go no contact and do not allow yourself to think about him at all.

Then you will know what is really happening versus what you perceive is happening in your marriage.

Do it for you--I think you have a lot of pain inside, a big tight ball of pain...and it's been with you all your life. May seem like it comes from within your marriage...as another poster said (very smart one), because we perceive pain coming in from the outside...and it's not. It's in us. It's what is at the bottom of addictions, which are distractions taken to extremes...and have extreme consequences.

There is not a thing wrong with you, Rain. Please know this. Don't use others' behaviors as an excuse to not get clear on reality. Stay here and keep posting...be THAT brave and true to yourself.

I bumped the Recovery thread for Wayward Wives. I don't believe for a minute you want to continue to be an adulterer, to betray your marriage...there's you, 72Dude and The Marriage...and your marriage hasn't caused you a moment of pain, a drop of sorrow or lick of punishment. It's the union...which you vowed to honor, cherish and love...what you won't do for your BH right this minute, do for the marriage.

You can do this. You are a complete, whole, marvelously made human being...equal to everyone on this planet...you were so before a word was spoken or a single action taken. Not knowing this can make tight big balls of pain inside us...learn reality...and heal.

You break cycles and addictions by removing just one part...then the cycle breaks apart. Remove contact...see where you falsely soothe, gain false relief from your feelings...pain isn't forever, won't last...it's a signal. Get the signal and the emotion drops. Addictions manage your emotions so your whole life is taken over managing them...not living your life, being a full partner, letting your true self shine.

72Dude would say you truly shine...he loves you by choice...he acts from his love...you can't make him. You've been steeping in real love, not false infatuation, for a long time, and only experiencing a drought. Kick your fog to the curb and live freely, Rain. You can do this...

LA

PS Did you do a 12-step program for the gambling?

Rain,

click on Ace's thread here Ace's success stories

It will take you to the one post I mentioned. I would recommend that you read all of the stories however.

God Bless,

JL

You can be a good person. I have been where you are (not that long ago) and am working on my marriage and all the hurt and agony I put my husband through. I have said the things you are saying and there was no way I could have recognized how "foggy" they were until I got the OM out of my life. That was the key to the fog lifting, it really was. As long as you are taking the drug that makes you happy you cannot go through the withdraw process and see how cruel you really are being. It's tough to hear I know.

My emotions were influencing my thoughts, my feelings were ruling my actions. My whole world was upside down.

I have a three year old son and I wasn't thinking of the affect of what I was doing could have on him. He deserves a better mommy who has his best interest at heart, and also a mommy who is taking care of his daddy to ensure a positive future for him. I want to give my husband and son a great life and my husband loves me enough to give me that chance.
Don't leave because you've been beat up a little by the vets, keep your head up, but don't let the A go on another day. The longer it goes on the worse you'll feel about yourself.

Read the advice and take it to heart. You'll be glad you did

JL....


Maybe you should change your title and put a shout-out to Mrs. W and Resonance in it....they will be of some Valuable help....just a thought....

not2fun

I agree! They have been so wonderful to me!

N2F,

I probably will. LaLa I think posted to her already. I want to see if Rain will come back first. Then it would be good to bring in the troops to see if this situation can be changed. Unfortunately, she did not get much of a welcome on her first trip here.

Not a huge surprise given everyones senstivities, but I am hoping we can help her H by helping her see that there can be a good future in her marriage.

thanks for the suggestion. I will act on it once she comes back.

God Bless,

JL

PS: if anyone sees Mrs. W or LaLa around let them know we have a "mess on isle 6" to clean up.

Don't forget lil ol' me.

Rain...are you here to save your M or are you here to find support for yourself as you destroy your husband and son's lives?

I ask this in total seriousness...not trying to be smart. Because what I have read from you is this...


These are just some of the nice things you have said about the man who is trying to save your M after you have now cheated on him for the second time in your M, and gambled away your money to the point of having to live with you parents. You are right in that last statment, for sure...and deep down you KNOW THIS!!! Or you wouldn't have said it in the first place!

So, if I told you that I have been where you are, and that and I am once again completely in love with my husband (after NC and MB and some serious soul-searching on MY part to help my husband heal from the devastation I had caused him), would you be willing to give it a shot?

I mean, I know you won't believe any of us now, but your OM is an A$$! He would likely move on within a year and you would be looking back wondering about all of the things you gave up to be with him. It is totally unrealistic to be SURE how great a guy he is when all of the evidence points elsewhere. But, enough about that for now...

I would like you to tell me that you would at least be willing to listen and give your M 100% of your effort, and end all contact with OM immediately before I go any farther...

Jen,

You may not realize this, but I will NEVER forget you. I just didn't know you were around much these days. You and I need to start a thread so that you can catch me up on the family and what you are up to.

If Rain comes back, I think she is going to get the unvarnished truth from you, LaLa, and Mrs. W, not to mentioned others here.

I hope she does come back.

God Bless,

JL

JL and everyone...we are aware! Wow...what an intro, huh! Sheesh!

But seriously, rain, you cannot blame the BSs here for taking exception to your tone. Clearly, your treatment of THEM reflects back on the fact that you (even after having cheated before) have no clue about the level of pain and destruction you are causing your BH.

I hope you swallow your pride and come back...

Hey Kiwi....(love the real name btw... ;)),

Sorry about the slight, but I have only been around these parts for about 6 months, and I don't really know you or your story. Not making excuses, just stating the facts....

But hey, from what little I read over there in Rains post, she could use all the help from FWW'S she can get. Including you.....

not2fun

ps...nice to meet ya

pss... Rain,

I saw what happened on your thread, and I am truly sorry. Though I belong to the betrayed spouse side, it was uncalled for to say the least. My sis came on her not 2 long ago, and she was a wayward spouse as well (she cheated...). She did not get the scathing treatment you did, and I tell you what, even though I was being betrayed at the time, I would not have let her be treated that way here.....hopefully, you read this and let Lala (Res...) and Mrs. W and all the other FORMER WAYWARDS help you.

Now, I've been around for a while (lurking and reading things, that is, before I registered here) and I can tell you, I have never seen a WS get hit with so many 2 x 4s.

Most of the 2 x 4s were well deserved. Some, however, were not. I really don't blame rain if she never posts here again due to some of the more nasty 2 x 4s that she was hit with.

EDIT: However, that does not mean I condone her leaving because she could not take the reality of things that were being said, and how she reacted in typical WS form to those things.

Let's not discount all the very loving and well intentioned posts Rain did get on her initial thread.

There were some very bright and caring FBS's on there as well, who could be a source of support and insight if allowed.

I also would like rain to come back. I hope she can see through all of the hateful comments, and gets some help for the benefit of her Son and H.

I apologize for any mean things I may have said to Rain, and I will now bow out and let the vets take her under their wings. Hopefully I can help her BH out if I can.

Best of luck Rain.

Rain got the welcome she earned...now, if she comes back and doesn't attack people that were trying to help her, she will most likely find some warm hearts here( a lot of ws have been helped here). If she comes back with the same attitude, I suspect she will once again be met with a stern response. Hopefully, it is the former for all concerned.

I will say that she would do well to consider the horrible lessons she is teaching her child. These are lessons that are difficult to unlearn and since she has been ringing the unfaithful bell for a lot of her married life, she is sure to have caused long term issues for her child.

Until she earns the F for former, I really only care about this situation because of her husband and more importantly their child.

rain,

I thought about what I posted to you as I drove home tonight, and I want to say that I am sorry for being so hurtful.

I hope that you and your husband can overcome the difficulties that you are facing. I mean that.

I was attempting to be forceful and direct in hopes of getting you to look objectively at your situation and your actions. I was trying to help.

I myself have just within the last six weeks or so discovered that my wife's EA, was in fact a PA, and I allowed my hurt and anger at my own situation permeate my post to you. Again, I apologize. Not for what I said, but for how I said it. It was uncool.

I do think this can be OK for you and your family, but it's going to take a LOT of hard work. Listen to the FWW's who WILL help you. My wife (ilovemyhubbie) was right where you are just a short time ago. She FINALLY went NC, and has recommitted herself to our marriage. Talk to her. She can help you understand what's going on from YOUR perspective.

You were ambushed by a number of betrayed spouses, and with any luck you will one day understand where the anger came from. You're probably not ready for that now.

The community here really is good. It will be hard for you to believe that based on your first day, but stick around, and you'll get real, heartfelt help through your struggles.

I truly do wish you and your family strength and peace. I hope you can find it.

TTH

Let's try and keep this helpful and respectful by looking forward.

Thanks, Revera

Rain,

I don't know if you are still here or not, but let me give this a try.

You have tried to defend your actions by ridiculing the advice you are being given. This is why people call you foggy. NOTHING you are saying in order to make your affair, emotional affair if you prefer but an affair none the less, more palatable is anything new; it's all been heard around here before. The fact is that many of the things you have said including "this isn't about OM" is so common around here that it is simply called the wayward spouse script.

What I am telling you here is that you are not unique, special or different than any common garden variety wayward wife. Your OM isn't any better than the typical OM and your statistical probability of ending up happy and content five years from now is so small as to be inconsequential. Based on the things you have said, it would almost be possible to predict what you will say next...Really, your situation and the things your are saying are that common.

Nothing you can say can ever make your affair right. It just can't ever be right because infidelity is always wrong. The "reasons" you might come up with can't make it right, because if you look at the things you are saying here it is all about what YOU want and has nothing to do with right and wrong.

Your marriage is not good and though you accept much of the responsibility for that at least in passing, you still want to end your marriage.

You said your husband is a great guy, but you still want to end the marriage.

You said you would never hurt your child, but what do you think a divorce battle, shared custody, shuttling between two homes and eventually reaching an age where he will understand that the reason for the turmoil in his life is because his Mom wanted to have a boyfriend instead of fixing her marriage to his father?

You talk of deserving happiness and teaching your child to be happy by being happy. But what your child will learn is that selfishness and the pursuit of happiness is the acceptable standard for his life. He will learn from you not how to be honest, faithful, and willing to repair what is broken, but to discard anything that is no longer fancied as it once was and to feel that he is entitled to what ever he wants all in the name of his happiness.

He will learn these things from you because this is what you are modeling for him. You can tell him you did it to be happy and what he will learn is that it is alright to hurt those who love us in order to be happy.

As I already tried to explain to you, your unhappiness is very much because of the affair, not the other way around. Your affair produces feelings of excitement and attraction to the new OM while at the same time suppressing feelings of home, security, and desire for the old husband you seem to despise so much.

The affair IS your marital problem and if you would give up OM for a couple of years AND apply Marriage Builders principals to your marriage, you would wonder at the end of those two years just what the he77 you were thinking.

You said you appreciated the advice I gave on your other thread. Well heed that advice and this. The feelings you have for OM are as fleeting as the feelings for your husband. You do not DESERVE to be happy by making others miserable any more than you deserve to be tall, thin and blond if you were not born that way.

There is no defense for an affair. If your marriage has been so bad for so long that it is worth throwing away now, why didn't you leave your sorry husband years ago? Why did you spend the last few years rebuilding the trust and showing him you were faithful? Was your intent to make him trust you again so it would hurt him even more than it did the last time?

I don't think that was the case at all. I think you stayed in your marriage because while it was not perfect, none ever is, it was worth saving and had intrinsic value to both you and your husband.

So what explanation can you give for it not being good enough to save now. Why was it once good enough and now is worth only throwing away? I might as well tell you that if the answer you give is about your happiness, what you want and how great the OM is, you aren't even close to a reason to end a marriage. Because as long as it is about you and OM, it IS all about the affair and as I said the affair IS the problem in your marriage. You yourself understand that if you were not having the affair with OM you wouldn't even be confused about what is the right thing to do and yet now you try to convince us that your happiness will be a great lesson for your son and THAT is why you are having the affair.

Bovine excrement...

Deja moo! I've heard this bull before.

Mark

JL
You were nice to start a thread to get rain to come back.
It is unfortunate that those that could not encourage her to come back had to use your effort to 2x4 her.

Rains BH is posting here looking for help. Would it not be helpful to entice his WW back here instead of scaring her away?

Maybe it would be better if the BS's here backed off and let the WW's here that get MB pull/push Rain through this mess.
It makes sense that Rain would be more receptive to hearing from WW's. Those that have walked the same path as her.