This roller coaster has to stop soon . I cant do this for 6 months .. Anyway the question is to thoes who have been there is a divorce harder or easyer on you than this whole death of a thousand cuts plan A plan B thing ? just whant an honest answer. I would like to save the marrage but there is also a huge doormat factor in this also. Thanks all Otis

Hi Otis,

I've been reading your posts, but you don't seem to be following any Plan as of yet. The whole A is a roller coaster that you can get off at any time you want but that is down to you. Not only doing Plan A and B but also if you read these forums you will see that Recovery can be another roller coaster.

I'm not a Pro here so I tend not to give advice but I do read quite a lot from these forums. However, I would like to jump in and give you my advice.

Before I begin I would like to say that we all understand what you are going through and the pain is unbearable. I know that every minute feels like an hour every hour feels like a day and all you want is to find that magic bullet that will fix everything, but that isn't going to happen. I also understand you when you think you can't keep this up for much longer and look at the time scale of 2 years for you typical affair and think I can't handle this for 2 minutes let alone 2 years. Everyone here probably thought the same and they are still here better than when they started and stronger people as well. The one thing we all have in common is we want to save our marriages but after we have given it our best shot. During this time you'll get stronger that's for certain.

What you must do is eat correctly and keep yourself fit. Active body active mind. Try yoga it is very good. I tried it and the whole class was full of bored housewives and pensioners and I was the only man there and they would look at me like I was an alien. I also play football(soccer as you call it)and Karate. Its during these times I would stop thinking of the A and would come out feeling good and healthy and its a good rest bite from the A.

First off you need to buy Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs and study them not just read them. Re-read the basic concepts on this site and expose the A to as many people as you can WHO can put pressure on your WW and OM including children over a certain age. Your WW will explode when you expose her affair but don't worry she will eventually calm down. I was told similar things like "felt dirty after SF" "I love you but not in love with you". If you read some of these threads you will see all A's are the same and all WS's spout the same vile.

I would suggest you look at the questionnaires of this site to understand what your WW needs are and how the affair could have taken place. A's happen because we have allowed the love bank that our WS's hold for us to drop below a certain level and OM is fulfilling those needs.

If you don't understand Plan A and Plan B you can't follow them. Plan A is about fulfilling your WW's needs and PROVING you can change so that you are more of an attractive choice. This should last no more than 6 months for a man and 3 months for a woman. However this can increase or decrease depending on you. My Plan A lasted for over 12 months because I didn't have to live with my WS for a long time while in Plan A so the emotional drain wasn't as intense as those BS's who live with their WS. But understand this very few A's end during Plan A.

Plan B is about you. You can only move to Plan B when all your finances are separated and sorted and your head and heart are in sync. It will probably mean that you need to see a solicitor (sorry, lawyer in your country) to get this sorted. When in Plan B you cut all ties where possible so you can HEAL and wait for the A to end. If during Plan B the A doesn't end you will be stronger to move on with your life.

I hope this has helped a little. I would suggest you add some details to your signature like I have which tells others a little more about you. Such as when you got married, have children that sort of thing.

If you can't do plan A then do plan B.
But do not do nothing or give up.
There has been some BH's that were successful with going straight to plan B.
Plan A is only to be done if the BH can handle his WW continuing her affair.
Plan A was never to be done forever.
Six month limit is the usual limit.
Then it is time for plan B.
Based on that you can't handle a plan A then it is best to go to a plan B.
Remember plan B does not mean to file for divorce.
Stall a divorce all you want.

Otis, have you even DONE Plan A? Did you expose the affair as we suggested in your last thread? Have you taken ANY of our advice?

Plan A does not stand for appeasement and [censored] kissing, one of the most critical parts is exposure. If you won't fight against the affair, this is not too hopeful.

I posted this to you on your last thread. Have you done any of this? Have you done anything?

Hi Otis, I have read your thread and I see the following opportunities:

1. expose to OM's parents. Drive to their house, introduce yourself and ask them to persuade your son to leave your wife alone

2. expose to her college dean, key people at her college

3. have a man to man with the OM and ask him what his intentions are with her and let him know that you will do what it takes to protect your marriage. Tell him he will be hearing from you every time he contacts her in the future and ask him to end contact now

Exposing to his parents will embarrass the OM and cause your W to have second thoughts about her future with the OM. She may not be welcome by the in-laws if they knew her true situation. This will cause great discouragement.

The school exposure will make it harder - possibly - for them carry on their affair at work. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is watching with disgust on their faces.

And lastly, it is possible the OM does not know she is married so speaking to him might be valuable in that aspect. If he does know she is married, he is probably a coward and will cry if you confront him. A manly man doesn't carry on with married women so I would predict he will be scared.

I would suggest doing all this on the same day to get the greatest effect and to prevent them from pre-empting you. If they have any idea of your plan they will pre-empt you and spin you as a jealous nutjob who imagines men are chasing his wife. You don't want that to happen, because it will impair your credibility.

here is what Iv done so far, put a GPS in her car . ,followed the trail , Im faily certain of the building he lives in. Have tried several address lookups but cant get any good info. I should have just tried to steel a piece of mail.Done some different cel phone look ups but they only lead to an area where I think his parents might live. When she goes over there monday I can rent a car ,go over at night and find out for sure wich apt is his. Im hoping once I do that , that I can take the reliable adrress- aprt number to a private eye and get a complete background check with family names and adresses . then they get exposed to his parents and esp to his mother as I bet her and my wife are about the same age. Iv been on this the last 3 nights. She did agree to see a marage counseler(same one I saw)Then imedeatly went into how I had manipulated her into doing it but she says she will keep the appiontment(not a lot of hope that the shrink will help but we will see)

let me also add . I have been as suportive as possible and she has seen some hudge improvements in me.she is however very addicted to OM. As time goes on I must be honest and say that living with a spouse who refuses to break off an affair is hard. its hard on MY love bank, not so much hers, This one way street gets old . I will exposes as soon as I get the needed info.Thanks so much to all who have posted. the adv is much app and usefull. Dont know where I would be without it. This is to anyone who was able to endure plan A for six months... Your a better Person than me. Hats off to you my freind

Otis, affairs are almost ALWAYS addictions. That is the RULE, rather than the exception.