And you are well on your way into the exposure phase. Can you tell us more of how this came about. How did you tell these people, reactions, etc.
Generally, exposure is not to be done out of anger or spite. Exposure is to an affair what interventions are to an addict. It is done to HELP your spouse, brings the affair out into the light. Like scurrying cockroaches, they don't want to be seen. Exposure helps them find reality sooner.
It was done so that my family and ppl that I needed would be able to help me through this heII. They knew about the other times, and they were in shock as much as I was. All my daughters, except one who is, as usual, thinking someone needs to rescue her from her 5th grade memories of the first time, are here for me and have made sure that he knows that they are. They love him but their respect for him is almost all gone. If he did it again, they do not want him in their lives.
And for exposure. I not only told these ppl about this but other things that I had kept hidden from others, like the terrible father he had been. No more protecting him. The things I had given up for him through the years so he could be happy became things that made me bitter. That may not be cool but the truth is the truth.
He could not cross the barrier to me as long as he did this and he was stuck in an insane life. He led a double life, but with guilt and anxiety. He is profiled in most of the books, including the Harley's. He is remorseful, but he ws in 98 as well.
This barrier is like good/evil. I know that several on here have said you have to have a base to build on and there has been one. We were hippies, met in a communal type setting. I got pregnant. I told him that I did not want to marry him and he just insisted. So no forced marriage. He cleaned up immediately and went to work. That has never changed. He has always worked, but never been been ambitious. After 83 and the first event (I was 31, similar to you) I was the person who had the ambition.
Our second year of marriage he made a committment to Christ, joined the church and then decided that he was called to college at Tennessee Temple in Chatt. Tenn, we live in NC. We sold our little starter home, took the 2 kids and the cat and moved. We were there for 3 years. All in all from the time we were saved,attended church, went there and then came home and were involved in all that, we had about 7 years. There was a foundation built. That foundation taught me a lot about marriage, what it really meant, that he was to love his family as Christ loved the church and blah blah. I am not being blasphemas, but, that training is part of the reason I swallowed his lies. I could never imagine that he had not retained that in his heart, regardless of whether we were in church or not. We left the church about 3 years before the first affair because a member molested one of our children. We could not find another church that we felt part of, his job was working him to death, we had one car, had just moved back from Tenn, so it just slowly went away. Plus, it was the independent Bapt. church so no rock music, no make up, no tv, no santa, no pants, etc. I was over all the rules anyway.
But there was a base built. And our love was shaped in a different way, we both went to college. Learned a lot and he did love me. The first time he cheated was before our first daughter was born, a one night stand. He left me alone one night, came home the next morning and told me to shut up, but the night he went to the altar he told me. So, I just thought this man would not do this.
I just want you to know that there is more to this than meets the eye. The violence in our earlier years is way gone. The violence now is from me. And it is wrong. We are looking into a private facility for me. I just cannot control myself when it starts building.
I understand too about your inability to word find and talk but mine is different. I had hard plagues building on my brain, Sclerosis, and there are several, ie: Multiple. This disease is incurable. Stress makes it worse, as does heat. I give myself a shot every other night. I don't wnat it to progress and the shot is my hope. A three month supply of my shots cost $6000.00. My insurance is with my spouse. I was a stock broker/wealth manager for my career, and only worked one year for the company that is paying me a wonderful disability check until I am 66, then they will pay me a pension that is accruing as if I am still at work. I am reallllly blessed with that.
And I have the breast cancer from 04. I have had one scare this year. They had to do a biopsy by operation. It was ok, but I face that possiblity forever. In all that I lost both breasts, had two rebuilt with my own body that need a pep up, and I have no ab muscles now so no waist, it just alll sucks.
So as to being marketable, I am a prize. My body looks like raggedty Andy and I could lose the ability to walk or talk or anything at any time. I am not looking but I do not want to spend my life alone.
Sure, you CAN. But SHOULD you?
I gave him 100% of my trust in 83, 89 and 95% in 98. I am not so sure that I can. The should I part? If I don't I will live a life of misery or a life of not caring and I am not sure which would be worse.
What boundaries do you have, SaneJane? How do you allow people to treat you? What are some of your good qualities?
Pretty good boundaries, I am a strong woman. I am old enough and having raised four daughters and adopted another, no one can play me, just him. My good qualities are trust, empathy and forgiveness. One thing that I have never done is throw the past up to him. Once we went through the heII dance, it was over, done and gone. This time, the hurt is so different. The first time, it was like I was burned to the ground and then like the Phoenix rose from the ashes. Went from a housewife with no formal college education to owning my own investment company. So, I am not a pushover. I am asked to do public speaking regarding cancer, so I think I am ok. He has been the only one who has ever been able to do this, but then again, he could look me in my eyes, straight on, with tears in his and swear to anything. What can you do with that?
That's what I said, too. And here I am, 32 years old at the time it was discovered, and I wanted to do whatever I could to save my marriage.
there is no hope for you? Not everyone is like mine. Some stray and are not repeaters. I always used to say it can be a mistake or a character flaw. Which is it?
I do go out, my MS does have one lousy componenet that I hate and that is extreme fatigue. So, I have to work around that. I have two quaker parrots that are a blast and could keep me busy all day and I have been writing a book forever, the title is "Chasing the Bug Sprayer". Maybe one day I will get it published.
Sometimes when I go out, I cannot function. I want to sit down in the floor and cry. I mean really cannot function, I am just lost.
Here is a poem I wrote before I knew about the affairs, he had told me that he just did not love me like I loved him. We had not made love for 5 years. I saw that he had purchased viagra when I looked at our pharmacy account online. He said it was for someone else. I called that person who said yes, it was so. This was a year ago. I was moving his mountain bike on Valentines day this year to prepare a meal and the viagra pills fell out of the pouch on his bicycle pouch. I took hold of it like a pit bull until I found out. This poem was written when I found the viagra but did not have the big reveal. He said that he could never get that love back after he had the affair with Vivian in 83, he just never could come back across the barrier..right. I was this upset just because I thought that he had felt he loved her all these years and that was all. Knew nothing about the harem. And he made all that up because he could not say he loved me because he was having this affair with Patti. GAWD
AS I LAY ME DOWN TO WEEP
5/9/2008 Before the Big confession
As I lay me down to weep
I pray my husband will not lie to me
Sometimes I hope I die before I wake
Because from me my soul did he take
In the sea of life where colors change
Often blue or green, sometimes strange
I have ridden a boat that had no oar
But had a gaping hole in it’s floor
What is rushing forth to drown me are lies
So many that I cannot tell when I look into his eyes
If he really loves me or is just abiding his time
37 years without telling me, it was a crime.
A crime of carelessness with my heart
To satisfy his reputation he thought he was smart
To be with our children but still keep her alive
Inside him active but hidden from our eyes
To be left aside for a woman with no mores
To be tossed and not cared for, to be lied to for a whore
To eat with her, sleep with her and miss love nigh these years
But to not know why is the source of my tears
I had asked him so very many times
Am I the punishment or am I the prize
As I fought so hard to keep my marriage alive
But only to find out I was a fool and blind
I was not the punishment or the prize
He had his choices, he ignored mine
He remained hers in his heart for years
And he was never affected by my tears
So I was the punished and always felt
Like I was the other woman in this hand I was dealt
Like I stole my husband from this woman who was skilled
At cutting up familys never caring who she killed
Why I paid such a high price was because I was blind
To what was happening to my life as I saw this unwind
No matter what I wore, weighed or however I was resigned
Nothing in him ever changed or to me was inclined
And now I seek help to stop the thudding of this pain
That only leaves me for a minute and then remains
To eat my insides and carve out a hole
That leave me so empty and without a soul
Could I ever be different after all this in my life
Would I even care to, who would want me for a wife
Another man who could lie to me, or would I think that he did
Who would pay for things done to me by him.
