Hi all,

Well it has been two months now since D-Day. For the bulk of the two months, I have been fiercely committed to getting through this. In the last few days, however, I feel like I am growing distant from it all. I am sposed to move to a new town with WW in August, and I feel like just going now and leaving her here. Its like all of a sudden I just want to go.

I know she must be having a hard time maintaining NC. And to her credit, she has been great about that part, full transparency, and I firmly believe NC has worked. And she says she wants to be with me. But I guess I still want more from her and just dont see it. She talks to me on instant messenger while she is at work, but doesnt want to talk about any of it in RL. She has made some efforts to have a physical relationship but its clear its just for me. Otherwise, we just eat dinner, watch tv or whatever, go shopping, she seems fine with that stuff. But I just feel like we are getting in a rut, like things are just becoming what they were pre-A. Like we are sweeping all this under the rug.

So, is the way I am feeling now just part of the process? I am starting to feel like there are other women out there who could be happy with me, why should I spend all my time and effort on the one who just cheated on me and doesnt appear to be in love with me? Do I need to give her more time to want to take affirmative steps toward fixing things without me having to prod her? I guess what I am asking is, how do you deal with WS not appearing to be in love with you? Do you just wait it out and hope it will change? How do you not get cold yourself during that time?

Would a month apart be a mistake at this point?

Thanks.

A month apart would be a big mistake.

Right now, you need to be talking about the affair and getting any questions answered. She also needs to figure out the WHY of the affair. That is so it won't happen again.

Let her know that you are not content to go back to the pre-affair marriage and insist on having a better marriage than before. Take your time in making decisions. It will take at least two years to recover from the affair. You can always divorce, but you only have this chance to save your marriage.

By the way, I would be very careful not to have any children with your wife until you are CERTAIN that she is willing to work hard on the marriage and use extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair.

The cornerstone of all that Dr Harley has developed is the Policy of Undivided Attention. It is by spending time with each other, not "fixing" the marriage, but rebuilding the foundation that it rests on that makes all the rest of this stuff work.

It will be by rebuilding your love for each other that you will recover or by failing to do so that your marriage will end. Your love for each other is what brought you together in the first place and it is what can keep you together through the hard work of recovery. And that love is based not only on commitment, but on the condition of your Love Bank and your wife's as well.

By meeting each other's ENs is how you will build higher LB$ balances and in order to do that you need to spend the time together actually doing that. Talking about the affair or recovery details is important, but unless you are falling more deeply in love with each other, why bother?

It is exactly this that makes Dr Harley's methods different than everyone else's. You can learn to communicate and still divorce. You can learn to respect each other and still end up respectfully dividing the marital assets. You can learn to negotiate better and negotiate a property settlement with ease. But if you are more in love with each other than you were before the affair, you are more likely to remain together through what still lies ahead.

How about instead of a break of one month apart, you take a week or ten days to run off together and just do some fun stuff. Do what you did when you were dating, that is, put everything on hold and just focus on each other for a while. Don't try to fix the marital problems or solve the deep long standing issues that plague your relationship. Just go fall in love.

I'm not saying skip the affair discussions, just take a break from them. It will help in her withdrawal by meeting her ENs more fully and it will assist you in reestablishing a bond with her that will help carry you through.

You can put a new roof on the house, install new siding and doors, paint the walls, put in new cabinets in the kitchen and remodel the bathrooms, but if the foundation needs fixing and you ignore that and do all the rest, the house will still fall down and no amount of paint, woodwork or plumbing fixtures will keep it together.

A month apart? Not if you want to stay married. Need a break from dealing with the affair? Take a break from dealing with it, but with a promise to come back to it later, after you are both recharged and refreshed. You might also find that some of the things that seem to be the most difficult to deal with go away on their own or at least become less menacing when you are both in love with each other.

Spend some time focussed on each other and your ability to focus on fixing what's broken will be sharpened.

Mark